Evolution Schematic 11.03.07: Beulah McGillicutty

Writer’s Notes

It is a travesty, a TRAVESTY do you hear, that I have been eliminated in the 6 Degrees tourney in Truth B Told. And by Wilcox? WILCOX? The only guy dumb enough to take up the Payload after I ditched… Uh, that is… I fully support his win and look forward to seeing him continue on and win the tourney. That is all.

Super Smash Bros has a create level mode + Spore on Wii = See you in 35 years.

Look for me in this week’s Hidden Highlights, were I’m set to make a bunch of jokes at my own expense, drool over Victoria some more and… That’s about it really. Maybe point out some HH if I have time. But anyway, I’m bored, on with the column!

EDIT: This is my 150th column for 411 (if you include all the redos and none of the dual, multiperson ones). Huzzah! Cake and Coke Zero for me!

Overview

Sometimes a person doesn’t really, when you get right down to it, need an explanation. Sometimes, if you do review their career, it’s just a trip down memory lane. With Beulah McGillicutty, her career does not, as such, require much in a way of explanation. She came in to gain revenge on a boy who snubbed her, then ended up falling for him. In-between, she dated a couple of guys and a girl, had a career as an adult entertainment worker, was piledriven often, had several catfights and some intense brawls, and was put out of wrestling ‘forever’, or at least for 8 years which is practically forever. She was, in many ways, the prototypical ECW Vixen, and if Tommy was the heart and soul of ECW, she was (eventually) his heart and soul.

Plus, she and Kimona had hot lesbian sex. Always a plus.

Origins- There are two stories where this sort of thing happens. Anything to do with Taker/Kane, and anything to do with Raven/Dreamer.

It’s a tale as old as time itself, or at least as old as summer camps. Raven (or rather the kid who would end up becoming Raven, but it’s quicker to type Raven) and Tommy Dreamer met at a Summer Camp. The two, the popular fun loving working class hero and the moody, depressed outcast rich kid, Dreamer and Raven respectively, were oddly friends at the Summer Camp. Dreamer obviously got on with everyone, and Raven had his first real friend.

And then came the woman.

Beulah was, at that point, an overweight teenage girl. Nothing wrong with that, according to every equal rights and anti-fashion spokesperson ever, and indeed, there should be nothing to say that being fat meant she wasn’t a nice girl. She just wasn’t Dreamer’s type. This was a problem since she felt he was her type. She made a move. And Dreamer rebuffed it.

And Raven was there to play Wingman, or rather, to catch her on the rebound. The two had a brief relationship, and it split up Raven and Dreamer, as a woman is want to do, when a man loves her. Or at the very least, it was a factor in the two friends falling out.

So, the three split up, all going their separate ways. Dreamer went on to work his way up the ranks until he got to ECW, where he was labeled a pretty boy. Raven went on to also work his way up the ranks to WCW, then WWF, in all of them parodying Dreamer before he revealed his true self in ECW. Beulah… Beulah grew up. And in. She, perhaps spurned on by Dreamer’s rejection, lost all that weight and grew up to become a very attractive young woman.

Hell, she was a hottie.

And this led to her debut in wrestling… In Canada? With Brian Pillman?

Debut- Brian Pillman’s ‘sister’

Well, ok. This is clearly an example of Brian Pillman lying.

Shocking, I know, but work with me here.

See, Beulah is not Brian Pillman’s sister. That’s fairly obvious. But there they are, in the 1988, appearing side by side as brother and sister in Stampede Wrestling, Beulah being taunted by some bad men and Brian saving her. So what’s the deal?

Clearly Brian and Beulah were, to pick a euphemism at random, knocking wrestling boots. But Brian was, for some reason, a little skittish about bragging and/or letting the other wrestlers know. So, he needed an excuse, a reason she would be hanging around. So, he claimed she was his sister. That way, no-one would bat an eyelid if they hung out together. True, anyone catching them kissing or…otherwise engage might be a little off put, but maybe they are just a very close family.

Regardless, Beulah’s time with Brian was short lived. They split up, and Beulah moved on to a more profitable line of work.

Phase 2- Trinity.

She became a stripper and nude model, appearing in several publications under the name Trinity. These included a layout in Penthouse, and a solo video under the name ‘Amanda Day’.

It seemed this was to be her career path, to use the body Dreamer’s rejection led to as a porn star, when by chance, she was found by Stevie Richards, and in April 1995 she was a gift from Stevie to Raven.

Phase 3- Let’s All Get Even On Tommy!

For she still deep down hated Dreamer, even though his rejection made her into a Penthouse Pet. She became Raven’s valet, taunting Dreamer with what he might have had, sleeping with Raven to rub it in, and also getting piledriven on a regular basis by Tommy, with would invariably lead to everyone seeing her panties mid-move.

However, her career wasn’t just getting piledriven by Dreamer and getting driven by Raven.

Phase 3- And those other bitches too!

Francine and Luna Vachon both had issues with Beulah. Francine and Beulah would have catfights all the time due to them not getting along, until eventually Stevie, Francine’s boyfriend, had to chose and he chose to stick with Raven by turning on Francine. Francine responded by hooking up with Stevie and Raven’s sometimes opponents The Pitbulls, Francine and Beulah’s issues moving on from disagreements over strategy to becoming strictly on a basis of their clients hating each other.

But Luna was another matter. Luna was brought in by Dreamer to help him against Raven, Raven and Luna having a history together. Raven then demanded Beulah deal with her, and so Beulah ended up having her first ever match in July 95 at ‘Barbed Wire, Hoodies & Chokeslams’, proof that Heyman isn’t the best guy to name your show. And, shockingly, Beulah won the match, thanks to Richards whacking Luna with a chair.

Luna then moved on to fighting with Stevie while the Raven/Dreamer war kept going, Beulah by Raven’s side. Beulah rekindled her problems with Francine, pinning her one a few occasions. But then 1996 was a big year for Beulah. In more ways than one.

Phase 4- “It’s Tommy’s.”

For in 1996, she decided to break up with Raven. But first, she just cheated on him, Dreamer having learnt his lesson in her eyes, since she still truly loved him, and thus the two began to see each other in secret, despite the fact that Raven truly did love her. But then Stevie tried to get him a little somethin’ somethin’, and, thinking on the spur of the moment, she pretended to be pregnant to get Stevie off her back. But this lie snowballed on her, and she decided to use it to get out of Raven’s grip. So when he asked her about it, she told him it wasn’t his. After Raven attacked Stevie, she revealed the kid was Tommy’s, and Raven went nuts, until Dreamer ran out and saved her, the two walking off together.

She now switched to Dreamer’s side, becoming his valet and wearing loose clothing to hide a non-existent bump. But then she found out that Dreamer’s sole love was, alas, a bit boring. She lacked the excitement cheating on Raven with him had. So she decided to cheat on Dreamer as well.

Phase 5- Now why doesn’t THIS tape exist?

But she couldn’t bring herself to cheat with a man. So she cheated on him with a woman, Raven’s new valet, Kimona Wanalaya. This continued until April 96, when at Hostile City Showdown Shane Douglas, who had just taken Kimona on as his valet, told Dreamer that not only was Beulah never up the duff, but that she was cheating on him. Dreamer naturally wanted to know who he was, that was giving it to Beulah.

Kimona then stunned the world by revealing it was her.

The two women then excited the world by getting it on in the middle of the ring.

Tommy Dreamer then cemented his status as Hardcore Icon when Douglas asked him what he would do, and he responded simply by saying “I’ll Take ‘Em Both, I’m Hardcore!” and then the three kissed, and presumably Tommy then took them later on that night.

Hey, it’s an ECW Woman, you’re expecting a Disney type story here?

The three way relationship didn’t last long, Kimona leaving the company, but Dreamer and Beulah stayed strong, together throughout 96 until late in the year when Beulah began to step into the ring on a more regular basis.

Phase 6- Beulah: ECW’s Real Franchise.

It was December 7th, 1996, Holiday Hell 1996, that saw the start of Beulah’s wrestling on a semi-regular basis begin. On that night, she and Dreamer fought ‘The Franchise’ Shane Douglas and his manager at the time, Francine in a mixed tag match, notable for Beulah debuting a moonsault and nearly breaking her nose upon landing. However, they lost the match when Douglas pinned her. Beulah would stick with Dreamer into 97, being there when Dreamer finally pinned Raven (who tried one last time to win her back) and getting manhandled by Louie Spicolli often, Beulah dishing out low blows and DDT’s when needed to stick by her man. When Dreamer went to WWF to invade Raw, she was there, by his side. When he was fighting Jerry Lawler, she was there by Tommy’s side.

And then, at ‘As Good as it Gets’ in September 97, an important match took place. On paper, it was Dreamer and Beulah vs. Rob Van Dam and Fonzie. But RVD and Dreamer were both taken out early, leaving Beulah and Fonzie all alone.

The two proceed to have a bloody, brutal match, perhaps shockingly one of the most emotional and in many ways best match in ECW history. Certainly for the participants involved it was amazingly good.

However, as shocking as 96 was for her, and as big as 97 was, 98 did not go as well for her.

Phase 7- Justin Credible.

In early 98, Justin Credible decided to make a name for himself, at Tommy Dreamer’s expense. And thus, he attacked and injured Beulah, taking her out for several months. She would return, as Dreamer and Credible continued their war, Beulah helping Dreamer beat down the annoying, cocky Credible. But then another, far more dangerous problem reared up.

Phase 8- Credible gave her a holiday. The Dudleys gave her a retirement.

The Dudley Boys, D-Von and Buh Buh Ray, were disliked by the ECW fans.

Scratch that, they were hated.

Scratch that, they were… If there was a scale were the most liked was a big breasted nude chick handing out gold bars, and the other was Hitler’s evil twin brother killing small puppy dogs, the Dudleys would be the guy Hitler’s Twin would despise. They were that bad. And so, naturally, at some point, Dreamer had to stand up to them. And stand up he did.

Right until they delivered a Dudley Death Drop, the 3D, to Beulah, breaking her neck. Her prognosis was simple. If she stepped back into the wrestling ring, she could, nay, would probably die. So, reluctantly, she retired from the world of Pro Wrestling, married Tommy, had kids, and became a housewife.

Of course, she would have to return eventually. But it still took a hell of a long time…

Phase 9- One Night Stand, 2005.

7 or so years later, Beulah returned to the ring at the ECW One Night Stand PPV, running in to help her by then husband Tommy by catfighting with Francine, then hitting a DDT on Buh Buh. Despite her efforts, the Dudleys won the match, pinning Tommy after putting him through a flaming table. Her next shot was even worse.

Phase 10- One Night Stand, 2006.

Originally, she was just going to be at ringside for her husband’s match, Tommy and Terry Funk vs. Mick Foley and Edge, since Foley, having turned on ECW to help mould Edge into a superstar, had Lita in their corner. But then, given that they were there, and both Beulah and Lita were ECW vets, it was made into a 6 person hardcore tag match. Beulah agreed, although she was wary, given her neck, and thus stayed on the apron for almost the whole match. But her concern for her husband got the better of her, and she stepped into the ring to check on him after he was inverted DDTed into barbed wire.

Edge then sprung, spearing her into unconsciousness and then pinning her in what was in practically all ways the mount position, just without penetration. Beulah took the hint, and never again showed up on TV. But that means…

Today- In the neighborhood.

Nowadays, if you go to an ECW/Smackdown live event in the New York area, and Tommy Dreamer’s on the card you might be lucky enough to see Beulah by his side, helping her husband out and still looking damm fine. But only if you’re lucky and ion the area.

Conclusion

So, what does Beulah’s career have to teach us? Be rude to fat girls, since it might make them hot later on? That a woman is better than a man if the man’s scrawny? That the 3D is really dangerous? All of these are true, but really, there is one, and only one, lesson that needs to be learnt.

Bi-Sexual Lesbians Rock.

Evolution Schematic Special Super Duper Bonus Video!

I couldn’t find the kiss in complete form, so here’s Kimona’s Striptease. NSFW, must be over 18, yaddayaddayadda. Enjoy!

(So, Ashish, Larry, this get me brownie points or what?)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LRML9cn5hQ

And now, another sliver of a fractured view of life, as from the pen of Dave Lovelace…

NOTE: Go buy a DVD from him. You won’t regret it, assuming you have a sense of humor.