Old School 101: WWF Mega Matches 1991 (Coliseum Video)

– I’m really stuck on what to review, so with my never-failed theory of going “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”, this is what comes out as the lucky winner. If it’s how I remember it being, I won’t be the lucky winner by watching it. Confirmed Hits is also on the tape, but that is way past my time frame for reviews, and it’s a bunch of recycled PPV matches. Mega Matches was released sometime in the Spring of 1991, judging by the match selections, we head back in time to the Event Center Studio with host Sean Mooney. I really have nothing to say, so let’s just get to the tape so I can go back to doing nothing for the rest of the week.

– Tito Santana vs. Earthquake (w/ Jimmy Hart):
Before we get to the match, we get a rejected Event Center Promo from Tito Santana. This was taped sometime between SummerSlam and Survivor Series ’90 during a taping for Wrestling Challenge, for those who give a rats ass. Mooney and Lord Alfred are on commentary, and I’m already hating this tape. Lockup to start, and Earthquake wins that one without much trouble. Santana tries an overhead wristlock, but Earthquake throws him off, then poses. Santana grabs a standing side headlock, and Earthquake escapes again. Santana with a go-behind waistlock attempt… we all know what happens. Santana pounds away in the corner and works the arm. Irish whip escape, and a shoulder block doesn’t do anything. Cross body by Santana is caught, and Earthquake slams him down. An elbow drop misses, and Santana goes back to the armbar. I should point out I’ve done detailed play-by-play for 4 minutes of the match. Earthquake escapes and s-l-o-w-l-y rams Santana into the corner. Earthquake with an atomic drop and applies the best wrestling move ever… a bear-hug. Santana escapes by biting the nose of ‘Quake and pounds away with lefts and rights. Santana with a series of dropkicks and the Flying Jalupeño puts Earthquake down, but only for a two count. Earthquake shrugs off another dropkick and connects with a powerslam. Time for the Vertical Splash/Ass-Drop, but Tugboat runs in for no reason (“TOOT!”) to draw the Disqualification at 7:43. Here comes Dino Bravo to even the odds, although Santana is playing dead, or Lazy Mexican for you racist fans. DUD Absolutely pathetic match, and one of the worst I’ve ever seen from Santana. As I type that, Rhythm & Blues run in just for the hell of it, send Santana outside, and gang bang Tugboat. Jim Duggan makes the save, because Hogan had better things to do, like wash his pinky toes or something.

– Big Boss Man vs. Bobby “The Brain” Heenan:
Once again, before the match, we get a Event Center Promo from the Boss Man. Taped a few days before Survivor Series, and part of the “The Heenan Family makes fun of Boss Man’s momma” storyline. Originally it was Rick Rude feuding with Boss Man, but he was “suspended”, so Heenan is taking his place in all matches against the Boss Man. This lead to Heenan begging at every chance on television for the Boss Man to not go through with the matches. As expected, Heenan gets on the house mic’ and begs the Boss Man to not hurt him, but that goes over as well as a fart in church. Boss Man comes to the ring with a ball-and-chain, something he didn’t use once he turned face. Boss Man teases leaving, but decides to come back. Heenan cheap shots him with the microphone, but gets nailed a few times in the midsection and across the back, and Boss Man chokes him for the pinfall at 2:40. 2 minutes of that was Heenan begging more. 1/2* Not a match really, but a generous increase for Heenan’s antics. Perfect comes in after the match to work over Boss Man (and save Heenan), but he gets his clock cleaned.

– “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. Sgt. Slaughter (w/ Gen. Adnan):
Apparently this is the “Fan Favorite Match”, where random fans pick the match. Of course, the fans were never real, but this is a much more realistic choice than, say, Hercules vs. Akeem, or the Undertaker & LOD vs. The Mountie & Beverly Brothers. We all know the deal with the Slaughter angle, so I won’t waste valuable typing time explaining it. Slaughter stomps on Duggan as he enters the ring and hammers him across the chest with forearms. Duggan comes back with a clothesline, sending Slaughter out of the ring. Lockup into the corner… Slaughter misses some blows, and Duggan comes back with weak jabs. Duggan with the BIG-roundhouse right sends Slaughter tumbling into the corner. Who knows how horribly injured Slaughter would be if Duggan winded that up like Popeye! Duggan weakly backs into the pole of the flag of Adnan, giving Slaughter time to work him over with the usual… punches and kicks. Sloppy back breaker by Slaughter gets a two count. Slaughter misses a few elbow drops, and is taken over with a Ba-a-a-a-a-ck body drop. Duggan goes for the clothesline, but Adnan interferes. Duggan chases him backstage, and Slaughter picks up the lame Count-Out victory at 3:04. DUD Another god awful match. I was tempted to dip into the negatives, but it was short. After the match, Duggan runs off Slaughter with the Iraqi flag, then blows his nose and wipes his ass on it. OK, so Shawn Michaels wasn’t the first person to seriously disrespect a flag (not counting Hogan head-butting random flags for no reason). Thank God Duggan didn’t hump it, or I might need serious mental help.

– Bret “Hitman” Hart vs. The Barbarian:
From the November 24th, 1990 event held at Madison Square Garden, a couple of days after Survivor Series ’90. Hart is the co-holder of the Tag Team Championship at this point. the referee, stupidly, raises the belt up for the crowd to see as if it were being defended. Maybe if it were Vince Russo booking, and it was 1998-99, I’d understand, but not here. On commentary is Mooney, THE HONKYTONK MAN, and JIMMY HART. That’s gotta be the most unusual pair for a 1990-present tape. Hart applies a headlock to start. He tries a hip toss, but Barbarian blocks and drops him with a clothesline, followed by stomping. Barbarian chokes in the corner, and whips Hart hard to the buckle. More stomping by the Barbarian, and he changes it up with a scoop slam. Barbarian goes to the second turnbuckle, but misses the elbow drop that always misses. Hart comes back with a series of roundhouse rights and an inverted atomic drop. Mounted punches in the corner, and wow… the commentary isn’t all that bad, considering the people doing it. Russian leg sweep and second rope elbow drop by Hart gets a REALLY SLOW two count. It’s the old guy who seems to fuck up a lot, I noticed. Hart nails his part of the Hart attack Clothesline, but that gets a 2.99999. Barbarian catches Hart off the ropes with a powerslam for another two count. Hart tries a sunset flip, but Barbarian blocks and poses… then Bret Hart finishes the roll-up for the win at 4:09, once again proving the Barbarian used that finish in every fucking match. DUD Wow, when the best match of the tape has BOBBY HEENAN being squashed in 10 seconds, you know this tape sucks.

– The Bushwackers vs. Rhythm & Blues (w/ Jimmy Hart):
OK, now that there’s a Bushwackers match on the tape, I can easily start thinking about this as an awful tape, unless the next 4-5 matches blow my socks away. Too bad I wear sandals 99% of the time, so finding a pair of socks to blow away period is going to be impossible. Apparently this was pulled from an episode of Wrestling Challenge a few weeks before Survivor Series, but I’m not too sure. Rhythm & Blues attack before the bell, but are whipped into each other on a double bulldog attempt. The Bushwackers bite their bottoms and nail Honky with the battering ram. Luke pounds on Honky, but runs into a clothesline from Valentine, and selling it horribly. Valentine tags in for some chops and comes down with a knee drop. Luke bites to keep Valentine at bay, but that doesn’t last for long. Honky comes back in to continue working over Luke, then goes into a reverse chinlock, barely two minutes into the match. Valentine cuts off the hot tag and comes off the ropes with an axehandle. Valentine gets a two count off a series of elbow drops. Honky nails Butch (or Bitch) from behind with a vicious high knee, and now they continue double teaming Luke. Butch Retards-Up, grabs the Guitar, and bashes Honky with it for the DQ at 4:06, but it doesn’t break. That must be the radical guitar from the October 1990 Saturday Night’s Main Event. When the BUSHWACKERS can’t job clean to you, you know how low you are on the card. DUD Again, the match sucked, but it was short enough to keep it out of the negatives scale. We get instant replay of the finish, which is a good sign this was pulled from a TV broadcast (CV Exclusives never had instant replay).

– Hulk Hogan (w/ Boss Man) vs. Dino Bravo (w/ Jimmy Hart & Earthquake):
Dear God, please give me ONE good match! I like Hogan, but Bravo had something in his contract that said all but one of his matches had to suck every year, so I’m banking this isn’t the lucky one, and Hogan isn’t good enough to carry the roid-canadian-monkey to a good match. This must’ve been a bad TV taping or really late in one, because the crowd is moving, but no noise is coming out. We get plenty of stalling after the bell rings. Taped a few weeks before SummerSlam ’90, since I have nothing to comment on. Bravo wins the lockup shove-off! Did you see the intensity in Bravo? He did that because he wanted to get in Hogan’s head, so Hogan stalls, because he’s selling that Bravo is a great wrestler that he needs to be catious off. Hogan no-sells that instinct, shoves Bravo into the corner, takes him down with a back drop, and nails a few elbow drops! You can see the crowd literally sitting on the edge of their seat during that part! Notice how Hogan is smart to go after the upper body of Bravo… oh fuck it, I can’t keep up the charade of mocking how ROH fans will jerk off to anything that sucks by just going through lame excuses for everything. More stalling as Hogan poses. Bravo comes back in to work a wristlock, and I’m amazed he was the first to do a wrestling hold. Hogan does a one-legged jig while selling the devestation of this mighty hold. Hogan counters with his own and and takes Bravo over to the canvas. Irish whip to the corner and he follows in with a back elbow. Mounted punches by Hogan, and Bravo does a drunken dance. Hogan with some more punches, but ‘Quake trips him up, allowing Bravo to choke Hogan across the middle rope. Bravo continues to ride Hogan like seabiscuit. If you like choking, this past two minutes is your cup of tea! Bravo stomps, chokes, stokes, and chomps more. BEARHUG! Oh man, the star rating total is just gushing out of this match… and Alfred sayng “sha-lacking” makes it even better! Truely a classic match that everyone needs to see if they are a true wrestling fan. Despite doing almost nothing, both men are sweating bullets. Maybe the air conditioner is broken in the arena. Bravo nails the side suplex, but that only gets a two count. HULK-UP TIME! Three rights, big boot, and leg drop is all she wrote at 9:26 while Hayes jerks off to this like it were a good match. 1/4* Only because I kept myself entertained during this suckfest, and to break the DUD marathon… and Heenan is STILL leading the poles for best match on this tape!

– If these tape wasn’t already bad enough with the mind-numbingly bad matches… it’s time for the Lost Hillbilly Jim Tape! OH NO! Shoot me! Shoot me now! We open up with Hillbilly Jim chopping wood in the snow.I guess central-heating systems didn’t exist in 1986 Kentucky. We are introduced to Hillbilly Jim’s granny watching SuperStars, hosted by Vince McMahon and BRUNO SAMMARTINO (who was erased from WWF history it seems following 1988). Granny sucks down some moonshine and Hillbilly Jim croons to her with the vocal abilities of Barry Manilow on cocaine. Then the highlight of the tape… Hillbilly Jim training! He drops some ugly elbow drops onto a stained mattress (ew…), bearhugs a tire, and then, in the most bizarre and unsettling training video this side of Hogan and Gene Okerlund, Hillbilly Jim starts wrestling his dog. This would be bad enough on it’s own, but Hillbilly makes some groaning noises and mounts it’s rear end… (throws up) I have good news and bad news. The good news is this is the end of the Hillbilly Jim tape. The bad news is we have more Mega Matches!

– The British Bulldog vs. Haku (w/ Bobby Heenan):
From the October 19th, 1990 event held at Madison Square Garden. We’re Joined in Progress with Bulldog applying a sleeper hold on Haku. Haku escapes with a take over, but runs into a drop toe hold, and Bulldog applies an armbar. Bulldog works over the arm a bit without having to do much. This was fairly early in Bulldog’s singles run, as he only returned to TV about a few weeks earlier. Irish whip to the corner, and Haku blocks a monkey flip with an inverted atomic drop. Haku steps on the midsection of Bulldog and sends him into the buckle. Irish whip and Bulldog fails at getting a sunset flip. Apparently Haku has “tree-trunk legs”, according to Lord Alfred, even though Bulldog’s legs are thicker. Bulldog gets a cross body press for a two count. Bulldog actually gets the crucifix to take over Haku, but only for two again. Haku pounds Bulldog down and connects with a piledriver for a two count. Reverse chinlock is applied by Haku, forcing me to hit the old fast forward button. Bulldog escapes momentarily, but Haku goes right back to work with the trusty chinlock. Bulldog escapes again to exchange blows, but takes a thumb to the eye and is dumped to the floor. Back inside the ring, and Haku gets a two count off of a back drop. Hayes gives me a chuckle, calling Haku “Hoo-ku”. Hooku with a not-so inventive rest hold, by pulling on Bulldog’s dreadlocks. Haku does the vile and devestating rake of the back to keep Bulldog at bay. Sleeper hold applied by Haku, and right now I’m starting to hate myself for picking this tape to review. Bulldog manages to escape by backing Haku into the corner, but is whipped hard to the buckle. Hayes now pronounces leverage “leaf-rage.” Choking by Haku, and now Heenan gets in a cheap shot to wake the crowd up. I’m on the verge of singing the song from Lamb Chops Show where nothing ever ends. Bulldog is back in the ring and quickly puts Haku down with a back suplex for a two count. Irish whip, and a double head collision puts both men down, even though Haku is supposed to no-sell all stuff done to his head. Bulldog busts out the Sharpshooter, but Haku is in the ropes (with a little help from Heenan). Haku takes control and connects with a shoulder breaker for a two count. Bulldog makes the Super-Dog comeback with a BIG back body drop and the delayed suplex for a two count. The running Powerslam FINALLY ends this motherfucker at 15:54. I hate saying whats-his-names lines, but that was 15 minutes of my life I’m not going to see again. 1/4* I don’t know why. Deal with it. I’m more puzzled how long this went, and it was Joined in Progress!!!

– King’s Crown Match:
“Macho King” Randy Savage (w/ Queen Sherri) vs. “Hacskaw” Jim Duggan:
And now we head into the only highlight of the tape… the Special Profile on the Macho King! Taken from the October 28th, 1989 event held at Madison Square Garden. Before the match, we get a special promo from Randy Savage wearing a barber shop pole… or whatever. Gorilla Monsoon and Hillbilly Jim are on PBP, and it’s not as bad of a broadcast team as you would think. Sherri is looking a bit on the bloated side here, for those that care about that sort of thing. Savage does a pearl harbor job on Duggan before the bell with shots to the back of the head. Irish whip, and Duggan comes back with a clothesline. Duggan pounds away with roundhouse forearms in the corner. Irish whip to the corner, and Savage comes out right into a clothesline. Sherri tries pulling Savage out, but Duggan turns the tide and knocks Sherri on her butt. Atomic drop by Duggan. Duggan tries going off the ropes for something, but Sherri pulled down the top rope, causing Duggan to spill outside. Sherri then adds insult to stupidity by ramming Duggan into the ring post. Savage comes outside now to continue the working over of Duggan. Savage heads to the 3rd floor and connects with the double axehandle on the outside. Finally we go back inside, and Savage quickly covers Duggan for a two count. Savage hangs up Duggan across the top rope for another two count. Savage goes upstairs again, and comes off with an axehandle for two once again. Jumping knee drop across the throat of Duggan gets another two count (and an unwanted visual between Savage’s legs for that long). Savage, frustrated with Duggan not willing to job, goes to some choking. Savage misses a second-rope splash, but Duggan is still out of it. Duggan misses an elbow drop though, to keep Savage in front. Savage goes to the top again, but this time Duggan catches him coming with a fist to the midsection. Savage rakes the eyes of Duggan, but not the good one, and Duggan back drops Savage over the top rope and to the floor. Duggan follows out to clean up and throws Savage into the crowd! Duggan introduces Savage to the ring steps and then nails him in the midsection with a chair! Disqualification, ref! Back inside the ring, and Duggan is all over Savage like stink on a monkey. Scoop slam by Duggan and a running knee drop across the chest… gets no count as Sherri distracts the referee. Duggan sends Savage flying with a soupbone right, and that actually gets a two count?! Duggan talks smack to Sherri, but is smart enough(?!) to see Savage coming and drop him with a shoulder block. Duggan charges again, but Savage side steps and rams Duggan into the turnbuckle. Savage with a clothesline, and he goes up to the top… fyling elbow misses! Duggan nails a series of charging clotheslines. Duggan calls for the end, and actually nails the big clothesline, but Savage rolls out of the ring on impact, proving he is smarter than the average bear… wait, that was Yogi. Sherri takes a cheap shot at Duggan, prompting Duggan to chase Sherri into the ring. Savage recovers in time to nail a running high knee, which squashes the referee in the corner in the process. Duggan blocks a slam with an inside cradle, but Danny Davis is down and out. Duggan with an atomic drop and clothesline, and the referee is still down. The crowd actually pops for DUGGAN counting to three, proving New York is full of idiots. Sherri slips Savage the loaded purse of doom while I make fun of myself, and Savage bashes Duggan good. Finally the referee wakes up, but Duggan actually kicks out at two! Usually, unless you’re Hogan, that move is the kiss of death. Then in the most anti-clmatic moment of the tape, Savage rolls up Duggan in the corner, with the feet on the ropes, and that gets the three count at 16:05, allowing Savage to retain the crown. **1/2 Although the first five minutes really dragged and tested my patience, the rest was pretty well booked, and a good example of two wrestlers just doing their thing instead of having to do a million contrived spots that no one finds believable. I could’ve done without the lame finish, though.

– Courtesy of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous… it’s the Randy Savage episode? The gate keeper is a midget, because wrestling needs midgets at every chance! We get a clip of Savage screwing Robin Leetch at that game where you hit balls through rings… I don’t know how to spell it, so fuck it. And now here’s the midget again to act as the ring for Savage to hit through. OUTRAGEOUS!

– Steel Cage Match:
The Ultimate Warrior vs. “Macho King” Randy Savage (w/ Queen Sherri):
Taken from the January 21st, 1991 event held at Madison Square Garden, two days after the 1991 Royal Rumble. I reviewed this before, but that review honestly sucks dick, so here we go again. Brother Love and Sean Mooney do PBP, and my opinion of them is the exact opposite of HBJ/Gorilla… they suck ass. Brother Love (in character) sucks more than Lord Alfred, and that is an amazing accomplishment.Savage hides in front of the security railing to jump Warrior during his entrance, a smart move that was never done before. Warrior blocks a chair shot and weakly hits Savage against the cage wall. Savage eats steel again and Warrior gets violent with Brother Love. They finally get in the ring, but the bell rung already. Warrior scales over the top to enter, but could’ve easily gone back out once his feet touched the floor. I know, Logic in Wrestling(tm). Warrior with an inverted atomic drop, followed by a short-arm clothesline. Warrior clotheslines Savage more and talks trash with Sherri. I wonder if Warrior knows how to throw a clothesline… stomping from the Ultimate Maniac, and not much else is going on. Savage turns the tide by using the tights of Warrior for leverage to toss him into the cage. More nothing happens as Savage pokes Warrior in the eyes. Savage with a clothesline to the back of the head, and both men lay around for a while. ANOTHER clothesline by Savage, and both are down again. Savage rolls on top of Warrior, and the referee comes in to count two? That wasn’t in the real books! Warrior comes back by throwing Savage across the ring, but Sherri trips him up and Savage knees Warrior into the cage. Savage chokes Warrior like his name was Ric Flair’s wife. More choking from Savage, and I’m sensing Savage isn’t in the mood to do a miracle carry job with Warrior here. Scoop slam by Savage, and he nails the flying elbow drop, but it only gets two of course, since Warrior kicked out of FIVE of them at WrestleMania VII. Warrior Retards-Up and comes back with his usual shitty offense of clotheslines, clotheslines, clotheslines, and more clotheslines. Warrior goes for the splash, but meets the knees of Savage. Savage scales over the top of the cage, but Warrior holds him from the inside by the hair. In a very unrealistic spot, Warrior pulls Savage back up the cage by the hair. This goes on forever until Sherri comes into the ring. Warrior stupidly goes after her, releasing Savage in the process, and Savage falls to the outside for the victory at 10:32! Warrior jobs twice in three nights! 1/2* Match sucked, and I probably overrated it last time. If you liked clotheslines, this is the match for you. Warrior then turns into Mike Tyson by assaulting Sherri and ripping her clothes off in the process. Savage tries coming off the top of the cage with an axehandle, but Warrior nails him coming off and continues to beat up on him. Warrior no-sells about 500 referees and the Nasty Boys pulling him off to beat up on Sherri MORE.

The 411: This tape really fucking sucked. It wasn't one of those painfully bad tapes, but everyone was just flat out boring, and when only one match is better than a 10 second squash with Bobby Heenan... you can fill in the rest of that comment I hope. Final Grade: D Thumbs WAAAAAAAAAAAAY the fuck down on this tape, unless you're a Savage fan and can stand him dialing it in against the Warrior, or you like a lot of boring, pointless, PTW rejected matches that no one with a scent of mental stability could enjoy.

Final Score:  3.0   [ Bad ]