411’s NWA TNA Report 12.17.03

NWA: TNA Wrestling — 12/17/03

— TNA Recapper Jack Daniels here. No matter what you hear, or who you hear it from, any rumors that I was groping transvestites at Club Marcella last Saturday are nothing but filthy lies.

— We’ll keep the pithy comments to a minimum this week, because, in my complete insanity, I’ve taken on a second job in addition to my 60-hour-a-week primary job. Between those two jobs, seeing Little Jack, and getting bombed out of my mind while 40-year-old chicks groped me at my work Christmas party, I haven’t had time to have a life.

— Or read anything else on this site. Sorry boys, I promise to do a better job of pimping next week. But of course, I know you folks can’t do without this…

— SAMURAI CADAVER DOGS UPDATE! The Dogs are now 7-0 after edging out the E Street Shufflers. The Dogs have now taken a bite out of every team in the league, and currently have the Portland Salmon hooked by the gills on their way to going 8-0.

— Last week’s angle developments: Roddy Piper returned, along with D’Lo Brown, setting up a match between AJ Styles and D’Lo Brown and Jeff Jarrett and a mystery partner, who turned out to be Kid Kash. AJ and D’LO beat Jarrett and Kash, and post-match Watts booked a Jarrett/Sting title match for this week, but there’s some question as to whether or not it’s a title match. The Gathering saved Raven from a beatdown by the Redshirts and Abyss, setting up a 6-man cage match for this week. Christopher Douglas lost by DQ to Michael Shane in part because of Chris Sabin’s interference, setting up a Daniels/Sabin match for this week. 3 Live Kru retained the tag titles against America’s Most Wanted with the help (unknowingly) of David Young and Glen Gilberti. Simon and Swinger continued to tease a face turn by missing a meeting of all of TNA’s heels with Jarrett. And Traci has a super hot ass.

— And we’re PLAUSIBLY LIVE from the TNA Square Dance and Hoe Down Barn in Nashville, TN, and my three-room palace in Buffalo, NY, respectively. Let it be known that today is the day God started shitting dandruff on our area for the year. We’ve had snow prior to this, but this is the first day I had to go below 85 mph on the drive home for anything other than seeing a state trooper.

— By the way, for the Buffalo area fans who inquired about it, TNA Pay-per-views can be seen at finer strip clubs in Niagara Falls. I suggest Seductions, personally, because almost every girl there will offer you a blowjob.

— Last week’s recap, Jarrett bitching about putting the title on the line against Sting, and yells at Callis, saying if I go down, you go down. Raven and the Gathering cutting a promo about their 6-man cage match against the Redshirts and Abyss, and Callis rallying the Redshirts. And I really don’t mind the fact that Raven ripped off the old Denis Leary commercials for his new catchphrase.

— Earlier today, Watts trying to rally the faces, recapping what he’s done for the faces for tonight. Sting and Jarrett won’t be for the belt, because Jarrett didn’t have 30 days between title defenses. Wasn’t _not_ defending the title within 30 days a reason to strip it in the past. Styles and D’Lo start to argue over who gets the title shot on January 7th if they win, then Goldilocks starts bitching at Watts. AMW steps in, and says tonight is about payback, and payback is a bitch.

— NWA Exploding Trophy open. “Produce Section” sign.

— Rundown of the card at the top, saying “Erik Watts presents.” I kind of like doing this at the top of the show. Apparently, there is still a chance Sting/Jarrett could be for the title.

— The Crappiest Theme this side of 3 Live Kru hits, and of course, that means Jeff Jarrett is coming out, which means I’m going to take the opportunity to defrost a steak to grill up on George. George, of course, being my fantastic George Foreman grill. Every single man should have one of these. Jarrett gloats over the title match not happening, and of course, that brings out Watts, nattily attired in a suit tonight. Watts does his Triple J shtick. Watts says not defending the title is “unsportsmanlike conduct.” Jarrett threatening to take Watts’ job, then unleashes some pretty good one liners on Goldilocks. Jarrett announces Sting will be his next victim in the main event… but Watts makes the match happen now?

— Non-title match: Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett (c): Jarrett jumps outside and stalls with Callis. Sting begging Jarrett into the ring, Jarrett refusing to get in. Sting goes to the floor, and Jarrett and Callis take off. Callis bolts, Jarrett runs to the ring as Sting gives a few “WOOOS” in the crowd. Jarrett and Sting meet in the crowd, and Sting takes control with a quick trashcan shot. Jarrett runs to the back as Sting goes basck to the ring. Sting goes back into the crowd, and Jarrett catches him with a couple of chairshots. Jarrett rams Sting into the wall. Jarrett and Sting going up into the balcony. Sting makes a comeback with a couple of boots and face rakes. Sting drops Jarrett on the steel balcony railing, then rams Jarrett’s head into a metal wall. Jarrett and Sting fighting down the starts and past the cage dancer. Jarrett goes for a suplex, but Sting reverses it. Jarrett into the guardrail, as Sting and Jarrett still have yet to be in the ring at the same time. Sting rams Jarrett on the announce table, then gives him a chairshot. Sting stalks Callis briefly, and we finally have both men in the ring. Jarrett goes low on a Sting leapfrog, and I’m not sure that was a planned spot. Jarrett rams Sting’s head into the turnbuckle. Fistdrop by Jarrett. Sting ducks two clotheslines, Sting and Jarrett collide, and Sting, doing the sell, falls headfirst into Jarrett’s crotch. And we’ve got your double knockout spot. Sting does the I-block-your-punch-then-punch you thing, then gets a face crusher, then a Stinger Splash. Scorpion Deathlock? YES! And it’s in the middle of the ring, but the Redshirts interfere, allowing Kid Kash to slip a guitar to Jarrett. AMW takes out the Redshirts, and AJ Styles keeps Jarrett from using the guitar and Stunners him on the top rope. Jarrett stumbles into a Scorpion Deathdrop for the win! WINNER: Sting. Jarrett has a hairy conniption post-match, going after everyone from the ref to the fans to the fatass timekeeper. Jarrett starts arguing with Tenay, and they start shoving until Don West, the ref and Callis pull them apart.

— Hudson in the back with Raven and The Gathering. If Raven wins, he gets a title shot on January 7th. Punk says Raven will get everything he deserves, nicely foreshadowing a Gathering heel turn. Raven says he will bring rage, chaos and weapons of mass destruction. Raven has two words for Jarrett — “Final Conflict.”

— Recap of last week’s match between Michael Shane and Christopher Daniels, and Daniels getting DQ’ed for using the chain, and Daniels and Sabin fighting after the match. Daniels cuts a promo saying he will be in Ultimate X 2, which is also supposed to be January 7th, I believe.

— Singles match: Christopher Daniels vs. Chris Sabin: Daniels has acquired a new nickname “The Lord of the Ring,” and his head is bandaged due to his massive bladejob last week. Crowd evenly split. Sabin with a headlock, Daniels switches to a wristlock, Sabin reverses, Daniels gets a headlock, some nice reversals finish with a Sabin armdrag and chop. Folks, I couldn’t do that exchange justice in real time, sorry. Daniels takes control with a kick and beats on Sabin in the corner. Damn, I have to take my dinner off of George… when I get back, Sabin nails Daniels with a huge plancha to the floor. Both men back in, and Daniels gets a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and dumps Sabin. Daniels rams Sabin’s back into the apron. Both men back in, and Daniels rams Sabin’s back into the turnbuckle. Sabin fights out of the corner, then eats a boot on an Idiot Charge, and spears Sabin in the back for a two count. Sabin’s hitting Daniels in the head with all of his moves, and Daniels is working the back. Backbreaker submission by Daniels, then a Blue Thunder Bomb gets 2. Bodyslam by Daniels, then he goes up top. Sabin springs up to the top rope and hits a NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPERPLEX. Both men down, and Sabin gets up first. Two chops, then he slides under a chop and hits one of his own. Brainbuster gets 2. Sabin goes for a Cradle Shock, but Daniels slips out and hits a uranage, then the Best Moonsault Ever gets 2.6. Daniels goes for the Angel’s Wings, but a pinfall reversal sequence ends with a Sabin enzuigiri. Nice! Sabin goes for a springboard something or other, but Elix Skipper (!) Daniels’ former Triple X partner, interferes, allowing Daniels to get the Angel’s Wings for 3! WINNER: Christopher Daniels.

— Jarrett in the back trying to rally the heels. Simon and Swinger promise, despite last week’s misunderstanding, to run through Styles and D’Lo.

— Recap of last week’s 3 Live Kru/America’s Most Wanted title match, with Young and Gilberti costing AMW the win.

— Street fight: Glen Gilberti and David Young vs. America’s Most Wanted: Gilberti and Young come out to Simon and Swinger’s music, which pleases me mightily. And if anyone knows the name of that song, please send it to me so I can download it from KaZaA. Brawling on the floor right away to start between Young and Harris, while Storm and Gilberti brawl in the ring. Gilberti gains control in the ring as Young whips Harris into the announce table. Drop toe hold and elbow combo on James Storm. Gilberti sets up a garbage can in the corner, and Storm goes headfirst into it, but Chris Harris flies in with a crossbody block on Gilberti, but David Young hits Chris Harris with a spinebuster, and no lie, Tenay (apparently channeling Tony Schiavone) yells “THAT’S HIS MOVE!” AMW with stereo thrashcan shots on the heels now, both heels down, and AMW gets a ladder? Young tries to baseball slide the ladder, but AMW gets the ladder out of the way and then nail Young with it. Storm catapults Young into the ladder as Harris beats on Gilberti in the crowd. Chair shot by Harris as Storm walks a mudhole on David Young, then puts a ladder between Young’s legs and hits the ladder with a chair to deliver an innovative low blow. Harris with a lariat on Gilberti in the crowd as Storm throws Young over the rail. Faces firmly in control. Storm nailing Young with a big right hand and throws him back into the ringside area. Young rolled back into the ring as Harris gets the table. Young drop toe hold’s Storm into a ladder set up in the corner. Gilberti goes low on the outside and rams Harris into the steps. Young sets up Storm on the ladder, then does an Asai moonsault onto him! SWEET! Harris goes to powerbomb Gilberti through the table on the outside, but Young makes the save. Gilberti sets up the ladder in the corner, they try a double Irish whip on Harris, but he stops and reverses into a double clothesline! Gilberti sidesteps a spear and Harris eats ladder, then Gilberti and Young run over Harris with the ladder. Gilberti with the cover for… 2? Harris manages to hit a somersault kick on Young, then Young slips out and Storm hits a powerslam on Young. Storm sets up Young on the table. Harris keeping Young down as Storm goes up top, but Gilberti makes the save. Gilberti tries to set up the ladder again, but Harris spears Gilberti into the ladder, and IN THE NAME OF GOD AND FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY! SENTON BOMB ONTO YOUNG BY STORM, ON THE OUTSIDE, THROUGH A TABLE! That’s it, it’s academic. WINNERS: America’s Most Wanted. The Redshirts come out for a post-match beatdown, then handcuff Harris in the corner. Northcutt tries to use a chairshot on Harris, but Storm saves. Jarrett out to put a stop to that. Chairshots for Storm, then a spiked piledriver onto the chair by the Redshirts, and Jarrett with a vicious guitar shot on Harris to finish the beatdown.

— Hudson in the back with A.J. Styles with D’Lo Brown. Styles says it doesn’t matter who gets the pinfall, because they have a mutual respect. And they do the mutual respect thing, and D’Lo promises AJ will get the first title shot if he wins.

— Dream Tag Team Match: Simon and Swinger vs. AJ Styles and D’Lo Brown: Whoever gets the pinfall gets their dream match. I’m betting on Simon winning, then picking an X-Division title match or something. At least, that’s what I’d do. AJ and Diamond to start. Staredown, then a lockup. Simon pushes AJ into the corner, but AJ gets out with a snapmare. Series of reversals end with an AJ legsweep to a one count. Armbar by AJ, but Diamond muscles him into the corner. Irish whip reverses and AJ eats turnbuckle on an idiot charge. Monkey flip and taunting by Simon, but AJ kips up into a headscissors and gets an armbar. Simon knees out, but AJ gets a headlock. Simon throws him off, tag to Swinger, and we get that goddamn irish whip floatover counter into a rollup for 2. Tag to D’Lo, D’Lo with a hiptoss and a series of armdrags. D’Lo with a clothesline in the corner. D’Lo tries to counter an irish whip with that floatover counter, but Swinger pleases me by kicking him in the nuts. Tag to Simon Diamond, elbowsmash for 2. D’Lo eats Swinger’s boot, then a tag to Swinger, and some nice old fashioned heel team work as Swinger distracts the ref so Simon can choke D’Lo. Swinger with a chinlock, then a boot choke, tag to Diamond. Blind tag by AJ, and he gets an assisted missile dropkick on Simon and Swinger, then D’Lo fakes a plancha, then AJ wipes them both out with a plancha, and D’Lo follows suit. AJ with a sweet dropkick on Diamond for 2. Spinning headscissors by AJ, then a bodyslam and a kneedrop for 2. AJ with another drop kick, and a tag to D’Lo, and they get an assisted splash/leg drop combo for 2. Tag to AJ, and he gets a headlock. Simon shoots him off, and Swinger pulls out AJ’s leg. AJ tries to slingshot back in, but Diamond gets a gutbuster. AJ bails, and Swinger whips him into the guardrail. Tag to Swinger as they beat on AJ in the corner. Swinger taunts, allowing AJ to recover. Drop toe hold and tag to Diamond keeps AJ from making the tag. AJ with a dropkick to the knee. Diamond with a strong left, but a moonsault kick by AJ puts both men down. Tag to Swinger, tag to D’Lo and, (Cue NBA Jam Audio) HE’S ON FIRE! DOWN GOES SWINGER! DOWN GOES SWINGER! D’Lo with the Shaky Leg Drop for 2 as Diamond makes the save. D’Lo and AJ try for some double team move on Swinger, but Diamond runs into AJ and everyone’s down. Double bodyslam by the faces, and D’Lo gets a frog splash, but Jeff Jarrett takes AJ out, and Simon and Swinger get the Problem Solver on D’Lo for the win. WINNERS: Simon and Swinger. I think that temporarily aborts a Simon and Swinger face turn, and I think we can pencil in Raven for a win tonight.

— Hudson in the back with Low Ki, but Elix Skipper runs into the interview to try to get Low Ki back in XXX, but Low Ki refuses.

— Recap of the Kash/Low Ki/Daniels 3-way two weeks ago, and Daniels post match attack.

— X-Division Title Match: Low Ki vs. Michael Shane (c) w/super hot Traci with an “i”: Miss June is one hell of a cage dancer, by the by. Does Low Ki have a move that will result in us seeing a shot of her ass in a thong? Because, you know, that’s important. And goddammit, Borash, if you’re going to do boxing style ring intros, buy a goddamned tux. It’s these little things that piss me off and makes TNA look more bush league than big league. Hell, even UFC ring announcers go formal. But then I get a look at Traci’s cleavage and all is right in the world. Shane talking trash to start, then he goes low to start. Brawling in the middle of the ring, then Shane with a ram into the turnbuckle and he rakes then eyes across the ropes. And brawls. Low Ki manages to reverse an attempt to throw him out of the ring into a kick to the leg. Ki with a Muta-style power drive elbow for 2. Shane goes low again, but that just pisses Low Ki off. Stiff kicks to the leg and chest by Low Ki, and he’s going for the killing kick, but Shane bails. Shane ducks one 619, but Low Ki just aims lower and nails him the second time around. Shane back in as Low Ki pounds him in the corner. Shane with an Irish whip and that goddamn floatover counter by Low Ki ends in a Dragon Clutch, but Traci interferes to break it, and a Shane forearm knocks Low Ki off the apron and into the guardrail. Is it wrong to say that Michael Shane bores the shit out of me? Both men back in, and Shane continues brawling. Both men toe-to-toe in the center, Low Ki with a crucifix for 2, but Shane runs over him with a forearm for a 2 of his own. Shane hits the chinlock. I think Shane has pretty much ripped his offensive repetoire from Roddy Piper. Low Ki fights out and winds up for a big kick, but Traci pulls the leg again and Shane knocks him out of the ring. Shane then rolls him back in for a 2 count. Scoop slam and elbow drop by Shane for another 2. Low Ki selling a shoulder injury. More brawling from Shane. What do people see in this kid? His matches generally suck, his interviews totally suck, folks, I just don’t see it. Low Ki fights out, but Shane chops him. Repeatedly. Then Low Ki shows him how a REAL MAN chops. Low Ki with an elbow smash, then a vicious kick. Eye rake by Shane, but Low Ki hits a twisting springboard kick for 2. Low Ki with a sunset flip for 2. Low Ki goes for the Ki Krusher, but Shane floats over and gets a fireman’s carry into a facecrusher. Shane with a flying elbow drop, but it only gets 2. Punches exchanged in the middle, then Low Ki ducks an enzuigiri and struggles through a bridging German suplex for 2. Low Ki goes for the Dragon Clutch, but Shane backs him into the turnbuckle. Low Ki with a kick to the gut, then hits that SWEET stepover enzuigiri. And Low Ki totally breaks kayfabe by putting Shane’s hand on the rope in front of the camera to break the 3 count. Ki goes for a Dragon splash, but Shane gets the knees up and gets a small package for…. 3? WINNER: Michael Shane. Low Ki snaps post match, and is going to put Shane in the Ki Krusher, but Traci hops up… so Low Ki goes for a Ki Krusher on Traci! Shane saves, but Traci landed awkwardly and injured her knee. Ki goes for a Ki Krusher on Shane, but Shane Douglas makes the save for Michael Shane. Douglas interview. Elix Skipper comes out… and saves Low Ki! Skipper takes out Daniels… XXX versus New Franchise feud, anyone? And Sabin comes from the back get some of Skipper, and backdrops Skipper onto Douglas, but Douglas runs from the back to take out Sabin, and now Low Ki and Christopher Daniels are going at it, and finally the blackshirts run in.

— Erik Watts comes out to give us some order, and says Ultimate X 2 will feature Daniels, Sabin, Shane and Low Ki. I’m not a huge fan of the Ultimate X match, but that’ll work for me.

— Hudson backstage with a rap so bad I have to mute it. I’m taking the rest of this 3 Live Kru promo off so I can recover from its ill effects, and I don’t mean ill in a good way.

— Girls of TNA calendar promo. I love that redheaded chick.

— West (wearing midnight blue, for those who bet on it) and Tenay to dedicate the card to the GI’s in the audience. West leads a USA chant. I’m glad we got Saddam, now, if we can just get rid of the terrorists who charge $30,000 for a relatively worthless college education so they can drive my generation into debt quickly, this country would be in much better shape. NWA: TNA Year End Awards on 12/31. West does his merchandise shill again. By the way, whether TNA has a new show the next two weeks or not, I’m taking them off. Family and Excessive Drinking come before wrestling. I’m sure you understand.

— Hudson backstage with Callis, the Redshirts and Abyss. Jarrett runs into to fire up the troops.

— Recap of Abyss spearing Raven through the table last week, and the Gathering making the save to set up this match.

— Main Event 6-man cage match: Abyss and Redshirt Security vs. Raven and the Gathering: The over/under on the bleeder count for this one is 4. Raven and the Gathering apparently made this a bring your own weapons match. Heels in control to start with lots of choking. Abyss throws Raven into the cage. I’m expecting bleeding in about 15 seconds. Punk thrown into the cage, Dinero nailed with two trashcan lid shots. And yes, Raven is cut open (barely) and so is Julio (more so). And Punk is opened up as well as Northcutt grates his face into the cage. NOW Raven’s tapped a gusher as Legend beats on him. It’s almost meaningless to call the action in this one. Abyss with a chain choke as Raven finally makes a comeback on Legend until Legend goes low. Three bleeders so far, and Northcutt drills Dinero with a trashcan shot. Legend uses Punk like a battering ram on the cage. More face grating on Julio. Heels set up for triple stereo powerbombs, but the faces make a triple comeback, whip the heels together in the middle of the ring, catch all the baddies with a superkick, then hit a triple superkick on Abyss to put him down! Now the faces with some international object offense. Northcutt should be bleeding soon, and Raven tries to grate what looked like a piece of wood on Raven’s head. Redshirts put a stop to the comeback as Northcutt hits a pumphandle suplex on Dinero, and Northcutt is busted open. Four bleeders. Abyss with a torture rack drop on Punk. Northcutt gets Dinero up for a powerbomb, rams Dinero into the cage backfirst, _then_ powerbombs him. Wow. Folks, this is a Grade A shitkicking. The Redshirts set up a table as Abyss beats on Dinero. Redshirts set up _another_ table on top of the first one. Northcutt and Abyss set up Dinero on the uppermost table as Legend goes to the top of the cage. Punk trying to stop Legend … and he throws him to the mat. And Glen Gilberti comes out to try to get into the cage with boltcutters as Kid Kash tries to climb the cage… and Erik Watts and Heavy D intercept them… And out comes Jeff Jarrett and he tosses in handcuffs… AJ Styles brawling with JJ on the ramp, and out comes Sting! FOR THE PISSING PUKING LOVE OF GOD!!!! CM PUNK DOVE ON TOP OF ABYSS FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE THROUGH BOTH TABLES!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! Everyone’s pretty much dead in the ring… Northcutt tries to cuff Raven, but Raven turns the tables… and the Gathering and Raven handcuff the Redshirts!!! It’s Raven and the Gathering against Abyss… and Abyss manages to get a Black Hole Slam on Raven! Abyss manhandles Punk into the cage, but Raven with a big steel chair shot on Raven. Gathering witha conchairto on both Redshirts… and can I fucking call it or what? The Gathering conchairto Raven as he goes for a Raven Effect on Abyss, giving Abyss the win. WINNERS: Abyss and The Gathering. Gathering pose over a fallen Raven as we go out.

— Well, the show didn’t totally suck the meat missile (the tag team matches were enough to ensure that), but now the question is, who challenges Jarrett for the title on January 7th? All the main challengers lost tonight.

— Folks, I hope you have a great holiday season, whatever holidays you celebrate. I’ll see you all back here on the 7th.