The SmarK Retro Repost – Royal Rumble 1993

The Netcop Retro Rant for the Royal Rumble 1993.

– Live from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, CA, home of some basketball
team.

– Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan.

– Opening match: The Beverly Brothers v. The Steiner Brothers. This is
essentially the Steiners’ debut. Big pop for Rick and Scott on their
way in. Mucho stalling to start. Very sloppy tiltawhirl slam by Scott,
who proceeds to play Ricky Morton for some very slow and boring offense
from the Beverlys. Fonzie is the ref. Hot tag Rick, who clotheslines
everything in sight, Scott back in, pier-six, frankensteiner, see ya.
1/2* Very disappointing debut.

– Review of the Rocker feud.

– I-C title match: Shawn Michaels v. Marty Jannetty. This is not the
match from 1993 between the two that won Match of the Year. That came
later on an episode of RAW. The big storyline here is “Which corner
will Sherri be in?” For those that care about this sort of thing, Marty
was well over the legal blood alcohol limit for this match. A few of
the spots look odd as a result, but it doesn’t mess up the match too
much. A pretty good match, actually, with lots of moves that called
“Just like that!” (single-arm DDT), or “I’ve never seen that before!”
(hanging vertical suplex off the apron to the floor). Shawn controls,
Marty comes back and do a pretty series of spots and reversals. Marty
hits the superkick for two. Ref bump, and then a massive stalling
session breaks out as Marty holds Shawn for Sherri to hit, but Shawn
ducks and Marty gets clocked with the shoe. Shawn and Sherri enact a
little pathos play in the ring for a couple of minutes, then Marty
floats back into consciousness, along with the ref. Shawn casually
turns around and nails Marty with the superkick and gets the easy pin.
Very anticlimactic. ***1/4

– Big Bossman v. Bam Bam Bigelow. Bossman was definitely on the way
down the talent ladder by this point. Slooooooooow kick and punch fest.
No wonder Bigelow didn’t get over. Bossman fights back the Bigelow
offense, does a couple of the usual moves, then gets caught with a
clothesline and Bigelow drops the big headbutt for the win. DUD.
Bossman was being actively jobbed out at this point, in preparation for
a WCW entrance.

– WWF World title match: Bret Hart v. Razor Ramon. The review package
highlights just how many times Scott Hall has seen “Scarface.” Bret
works on the knee early. About two minutes later, Ramon promptly
forgets about that and decides not to sell the leg injury anymore.
Ramon works on the ribs. Then it gets really boring, until Bret comes
back with (all together now…) THE FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Ramon blocks
the Sharpshooter. They do a neat top-rope backdrop sequence, and Ramon
tries the Razor’s Edge. Bret reverses to a backslide for two. Ramon
tries a bow-and-arrow and Hart reverses to a pin for two. They collapse
in a heap and Bret casually ties up the legs and turns over for the
Sharpshooter. Not bad, all in all. ***

– Bobby Heenan unveils…The Narcissist, Lex Luger. Lex poses a lot.

– Caesar and Cleopatra are introduced to hype WRESTLEMANIA 9, which is
generally regarded as #1034 in the list of God’s Greatest Mistakes.
Louie Spicoli is a centurion. I didn’t know Cleopatra was black…

– The Royal Rumble: Ric Flair draws #1 and Bob Backlund draws #2. This
was well before Mr. Bob Backlund was born. Papa Shango (the Godfather
as he’s known today) gets #3 and gets bounced by the old guys pretty
quick. Dibiase is #4 and this is probably the only time you’ll see
these three in the same ring. They gang up on Backlund until Knobbs
(#5) makes the save. They pair off until Virgil is in at #6. Guess who
he goes right after. Knobbs gets tossed. Jerry Lawler is #7 and moves
pretty quick. He goes after Flair. Max Moon is #8 and his entrance
lasts longer than his participation. Tenryu (as the token Japanese
contingent) is #9 and of course goes after Flair. Curt Hennig is #10
and he absolutely destroys Flair in the hottest segment of the whole
match. Skinner is #11 and makes the save, but Hennig tosses Flair
anyway. Koko B. Ware and the big-ass pants from hell are #12. He goes
after Lawler, which would have JR spewing wrestling history were it to
happen today. Hennig tosses Skinner. Samu of the Headshrinkers is #13.
Slow period as guys wander around waiting for the next booking period to
kick in. Berzerker husses in at #14. Lawler charges Hennig and goes
bye-bye. Everyone then gets sick of Hennig and gangs up on him to knock
*him* out (with help from Lawler) to start a feud that didn’t actually
go anywhere. The talent pool is really getting thin. Undertaker is in
at #15 to clear out the deadwood. Samu? Gone. Tenryu? Back to Japan.
Terry Taylor is #16, and both he and Koko’s pants get dumped right away.
Dibiase? Gone. Berzerker? Gone. Backlund is passed out on the
outside and is probably the next target, when suddenly (as suddenly as
he moves), Giant Gonzalez plods down in the goofy muscle suit and stares
down the Undertaker. They fight and UT goes over the top to the shock
of the crowd. Damien Demento is #17 and is smart enough to stay back.
IRS is #18 and he too is smart enough to stay back. Finally, GG leaves
and the legal men are IRS, Demento and Bob Backlund. T-t-t-t-t-t-tanka
is #19, and Sags is #20 and jack shit is happening. Typhoon is #21 and
Fatu is #22 and the crowd is getting actively restless at the lack of
action. Guys lie on the ropes and yell at the camera in lieu of actual
wrestling. Earthquake is #23 and he goes right after Typhoon, which
wakes up the crowd somewhat. Typhoon charges and goes over the top.
Carlos Colon is #24 and Gorilla has the balls to call him a “youngster”.
He dumps Demento. Tito Santana is #25 as Backlund dumps Fatu. Bob
starts to get some serious face heat, as the crowd realizes he’s about
10 minutes away from breaking Ric Flair’s record. The crowd screams
with every elimination tease. If Yokozuna wasn’t in this thing, I’d
have pegged Bobby as the winner at this point. Rick Martel is #26 and
with the lack of interesting talent the winner is becoming rapidly
apparent. IRS charges Quake and goes out. Yokozuna is #27 and you can
almost see the guys lining up as cannon fodder. Tatanka? Gone. Colon?
Gone. Quake and Yoko do the big face-off. Owen Hart is #28. Quake?
Gone. Repo Man is #29 and unless Hulk Hogan is behind that curtain, the
crowd knows Yoko’s taking it. Everyone gangs up on Yoko in one
last-ditch attempt, but no go. Randy Savage is #30. Santana? Gone.
Sags? Gone. Owen? Gone. Repo Man? Gone. Backlund is still there
and he dumps Martel to boot. We’re down to three, but then Backlund
makes the stupid mistake of charging Yoko and goes flying. HUGE heel
reaction for that one. But Backlund gets the longevity record. Yoko
beats the living hell out of Savage, who then comes back with a couple
of axehandles. Yoko with a savate kick, belly-to-belly and Hulkbuster
legdrop. Savage is a big quivering mass of jelly. Yoko misses the
avalanche, Savage with the big elbow and then he COVERS. What a fucking
idiot. Yoko casually tosses him off and over the top rope in the
process to win without really breaking a sweat. ***

The Bottom Line:

Pretty innocuous Rumble. A couple of good matches, but the Rumble
itself was one of the worst. Bret-Razor seems more important in
retrospect because Ramon actually gained credibility much later, when in
fact his chances at the time were slim and none. Shawn-Marty was
carried by Shawn, of course, and again seems more important in
retrospective because Shawn didn’t gain credibility until 1994.

Mildly recommended.