RB Report: CHIKARA The Sordid Perils of Everyday Existance

CHIKARA The Sordid Perils of Everyday Existance
November 17, 2007
Hellertown, PA

*Shayne Hawke is not against soldiers OR ants, but is bothered by Soldier Ant because of the song ‘Soulja Boy’. I hate this man.

*”Superstar” Shayne Hawke vs. Soldier Ant (w/Fire Ant)
We get some pre-match antics from Hawke. They feel each other out with some basic stuff to start. Shenanigans from both men follow. Ant-lucha. Hawke does more damage to himself than Soldier Ant with a ‘rana. Saluting satelite headscissors by Soldier Ant and Hawke follows it with a half-assed Flair flop. Hawke wants peace and takes advantage of Soldier Ant’s good-nature. He rakes his eyes and gets two with a suplex. Hawke hits a Dragon kick and applauds himself. Hawke blocks a hiptoss and plants Soldier Ant with a DDT. Big enziguri to Soldier only gets two. Soldier finds his second wind and unloads on shots. Back elbow to the face of Hawke. Hawke gets Soldier into a Shattered Dreams position and hits a sick lungblower. He goes up and a swanton bomb is not enough to put Soldier Ant away. The Tomahawke is blocked and the TKO finishes Hawke off(7:56).

Rating: **. Really solid stuff. I’d prefer the opener to be a bit more exciting, but this was perfectly acceptable.

*Hydra (w/Ultramantis Black) vs. Shane Storm
Judging by the crowd reaction, Hydra is the most-loved man on the CHIKARA roster, and it’s easy to see why. Everything about the guy and his gimmick is absolutely perfect. If you had told me back in ’06 that that annoying skinny guy that teamed with Equinox in the ’06 TWGP would go on to be this great, I would have laughed. Laughed right in your ugly, pimply face. They feel each other out to start and Storm eventually busts out the lucha. Storm begins to methodically wear Hydra down. He gets distracted by Mantis and Hydra clips the back of his leg. Hydra chokes away. EARTHQUAKE~! Storm MUST be dead! Storm manages to SOMEHOW kick out at two. Hydra can’t get him up for a suplex and is small packaged for a two-count. Storm trips up over his own feet. Sigh. Flatliner by Hydra. Two. Falcon Arrow by Storm only gets two. Series of running elbows by the Stormer. Hydra runs away to the outside. Hydra distracts Remsburg and Mantis rams Storm’s head into the ring post. Storm tricks them into both running into the ring post and takes them out with a tope con hilo. Mantis waves some incence in the face of Hydra and Hydra just collapses, which allows Storm to cover him for the victory(9:34).

Rating: **1/2. Really fun stuff, but what the fuck was that ending? I have no idea what just happened, and judging by their silence, neither do the fans.

*The Osirian Portal (Amasis and Ophidian) vs. Lince Dorado and El Pantera
Mitch Ryder is on commentary scouting Lince Dorado ahead of their hair vs. mask match the following night. Ophidian and Pantera start. Pantera gets two with a wacky lucha pinning combination. Amasis and Dorado have a GREAT exchange. Incredible. Pantera schools Ophidian again. Lince manages to out-speed Amasis and fakes him out on a dive after sending him to the outside with a ‘rana. Ophidian puts Dorado in a trance, which makes him dance with Amasis. Amasis sends him to the mat and slams him. Dorado is double-teamed and isolated. Amasis doesn’t even cover Dorado after hitting a trifecta of powerbombs. Retard. Lince eventually manages to tag out to the veteran Pantera. He takes out both members of the Portal with a crossbody. Dorado sends them both onto the ropes with a ‘rana and the tecnicos hit 619s en stereo. Pantera is dumped and Dorado is double-teamed. Both luchadores roll up their opponents, but only get two. Mitch Ryder is slowly sneaking up to the ring. This catches the attention of Dorado, and he is rolled up by Ophidian, costing his team the match(10:36).

Rating: ***. Damn good match. Think, this is Ophidian, Amasis and Dorado’s first year in wrestling and they’re putting on matches this good, imagine them in a few years.

*Passion Hasegawa cuts a promo in Japanese. He has huge welts on his chest from his beating at the hands of Brodie Lee the night prior to this.

*Chuck Taylor vs. Passion Hasegawa
Passion is an incredibly camp young gentleman. The fans get behind Passion and he dances for them. Chuck busts out some fancy footwork of his own. Hell, even referee PJ Drummond shows off his moves. Expect me to YouTube this. Taylor methodically beats Passion down. Chuck chops away at the already-MURDERED chest of Hasegawa. Taylor uses his very heel-ish tactics to keep his possession over Hasegawa. DDT out of nowhere by Passion just plants Chucky T. A low dropkick sends Chuck to the outside. TOPE! Diving ‘rana from the top rope scores a two-count for Hasegawa. Taylor nails Sole Food completely out of the blue and rolls Hasegawa up for two. Chuck goes up top, but is slammed off. He gets planted with a ‘rana, but that doesn’t put Chuck away. AWFUL WAFFLE BY CHUCKY T! The win is elementary(11:07).

Rating: **1/2. Fine, fine match. Hasegawa seems pretty good, and Chuck is great when he wants to be.

*MIYAWAKI vs. Claudio Castagnoli
Both of these men are coming off victories from the previous night. Claudio dodging the ref’s attempts at checking for any concealed weapons is just awesome. Expect that to be YouTube’d, too. They start out cautiously. The feel each other out with basic holds for a few minutes. Miyawaki manages to take the much-larger Castagnoli down with a shoulder block. He goes to work on the left leg. Claudio lands a gut-wrench suplex. Stiff uppercut to the back of Miyawaki. BIG backbreaker. Claudio stretches him over his knee. Back suplex to Miyawaki. Miyawaki comes back with a series of big suplexes. Missile dropkick to the knee by Miyawaki, and he follows that up with a Figure Four. They each take turns countering it. Side facebuster by Claudio. BICYCLE KICK ALMOST DECAPITATES MIYAWAKI! TWO! Fans are solidly behind Claudio. Flatliner by Miyawaki! GERMAN SUPLEX! He rushes into Claudio, but Claudio throws him up into the air and hits an uppercut! Both men fight to a vertical base and trade strikes. Backslide by Miyawaki gets two! Claudio roll-up gets two. RUNNING EUROPEAN UPPERCUT! ONE-TWO-NO! The Ricola Bomb is blocked and countere to a reverse DDT. Miyawaki takes Claudio to the top rope. He attempts a superplex, but is thrown off. DIVING UPPERCUT! RIIIICOOOOLA! That puts Miyawaki away(13:56)! Both guys get a standing ovation from the fans.

Rating: ***1/2. Seriously awesome match. They built this one up perfectly and had me on the edge of my seat by the end. The match could’ve used a face-heel dynamic, but this was just great stuff.

*Team FIST (Gran Akuma and Icarus), Robbie Ellis and Mitch Ryder vs. Mike Quackenbush, Tim Donst and the Super Smash Brothers (Player Uno and Stupefied)
Look at who’s in this match. Just look. How can this match not end up being utterly tremendous? Robbie Ellis is enough, in my eyes to make the match incredible. This is Stupefied’s CHIKARA debut. He’s a young Canadian guy, and from what I’ve gathered from the IWS stuff I’ve seen him in, he’s a great high-flier. The rudos share a group hug before starting. Mike Quackenbush and Mitch Ryder start. Quack takes him to the mat. Mitch selling a leg submission is quite possibly the BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN! Quack’s speed is initially too much for Ryder, who gets locked in an octopus stretch. Akuma is tagged in. Tim Donst in. Donst uses his wrestling skill to dominate Akuma on the mat. Akuma gets tired of it and bails. ELLIS IN! Uno gets in, too. He body slams the old man. Evil man. Suplex. DISGUSTING! ‘RANA BY ELLIS! Chops and slaps by Uno. Reverse DDT just PLANTS Uno. He teases the Shiranui, but instead tags out to Icarus. Cue a chorus of boos from the audience. The man sure is hated. Stupefied is tagged in. Icarus has counters for all of Stupefied’s offense until he hits a big backbreaker and a headscissors. Tornado DDT. Akuma helps Icarus get possession again and Icarus hits a big lungblower. Stupefied is isolated in the rudo corner. They take turns beating Stupefied down. Stupefied manages to take Ryder down for a while, but dives into the wrong corner. THE FOOL! The beating continues. He manages to land a kick to the head of Akuma and tags out to Quackenbush. Ryder quickly gets in, but he can’t hang with Quack. FIST get in the ring, but Quack also manages to take them out. He hits a tope con hilo out to both of them. Ellis and Uno in again. Ellis chops and dances for all the ladies in the building. A wacky spot featuring most the guys follows. Donst takes Ryder and FIST out with a missile dropkick. Big brawl on the outside. Uno scores a backslide on Ryder, but only gets two. Ryder with a piledriver, and that’s enough to put Uno away(14:37).

Rating: ***. Not quite as good as I was hoping, but this was still a very good match. The fans didn’t seem to get behind Stupefied during the heat period, and I thought the match kind of suffered because of it. That aside, there was a ton of fun stuff in this match.

*Young Lions Cup
Helios (c) vs. Fire Ant (w/Soldier Ant)
Helios won the trophy a few shows back from Chuck Taylor. He is NOT Ricochet, he just looks like him. Promise. I wonder where Worker Ant is. They start things off fast by trading big submissions and then doing a fast sequence. I’m going to be very disappointed if there’s not an indy stand-off. INDY STAND-OFF~! They pose for the hard cam after the stand-off. Helios is sent to the outside and Fire Ant follows with a tope con hilo. Back in, a senton gets two for Fire Ant. Fire Ant hits an enziguri, but misses a plancha. Helios follows with what I can only call a moonsault plancha. Tiger Mask flip in the corner by Helios. Fire Ant rolls away when he goes for a 450. Helios goes up again, but Fire Ant fireman carry’s him off the top. He goes for the Beach Break, but Helios flips out and nails a spin kick. Cobra clutch backbreaker and a ‘rana spikes Fire Ant. Spinning brainbuster by Fire Ant only gets two. Fire Ant gets him in position for a BURNING HAMMER, but it’s countered and Helious hits a TOP ROPE CHOCOLATE RAIN! STANDING SSP! It’s over(7:33)!

Rating: ***1/4. Damn, another really good match. This show has been amazing so far.

*Chris Hero recaps his feud with Equinox.

*Hair vs. Mask
Chris Hero vs. Equinox
If Equinox wins, Hero’s head will be shaved. If Hero wins, Equinox must be stripped of his mask. They go toe-to-toe and Hero treats him like he’s nothing. Equinox tries to do a lot of stuff quickly, but Hero makes him pay for it with a stiff chop. Equinox goes for a crossbody, but is caught with a side slam. Hero goes after the mask, but stops after being scolded by Bryce Remsburg. Equinox is pounded down on the mat and worn down with sick holds. Hero dumps him out of the ring like a SACK OF BEETROOT. Equinox avoids Hero’s attacks and dropkicks him into a wall. Hero hangs Equinox out to dry on to the top rope. Hero takes time out to tie his laces. HE RIPS OPEN THE MASK OF EQUINOX! I see an eye! Hero misses a kick and eats a dropkick. Both men get up to their feet. Equinox takes some strikes, but he will not be hurt. He trips Hero and a La Mahistral gets two. Olita followed by the standing SSP gets two. Falling suplex by Hero only gets two. Equinox goes up top and comes off with a ‘rana. Dropkick sends Hero to the outside. Equinox catches him with an armdrag that sends Hero flying into a bunch of chairs. Necktie headscissors by Equinox and Hero gets back into the ring. ‘Rana gets two! Hero rolls through a crossbody into a cravate. He puts Equinox onto the top rope and swings him off with a cravate. HERO’S WELCOME! Equinox somehow manages to kick out of that! Backslide of nowhere by Equinox fails to win him the match. Reverse DDT. He floats over into the CHIKARA SPECIAL~! HERO MANAGES TO GET IT OUT THE FIRST TIME! BIG powerbomb by Hero. HERO locks in the CHIKARA SPECIAL! He waves at Quack, who is on commentary. EQUINOX TAPS(17:06)!

Rating: ***1/2. Really damn good. Good story of Hero not respecting Equinox – despite having lost to him twice – but Equinox having his number for much of the match. Equinox played his role to absolute perfection here.

*Hero orders Equinox to take off his mask. He does, but buries his face in the mat, while Hero takes the mask. He shows his face. HE’S NOT HISPANIC! Dirty lying scum. Hero explains that he couldn’t handle it at the CHIKARA Wrestle Factory, so he pretended to be a luchadore to get easy entry into the promotion. Hero leaves to let Equinox bask in the humiliation. Fans chant “Equinox” and give him a standing ovation. He begins walking to the back, but the other masked tecnicos stop him. Lince Dorado throws his suitcase at him and they order him to go out the back door.

*CHIKARA Campeones de Parejas
Incoherence (c) vs. Up In Smoke (Cheech & Cloudy)
As with all CHIKARA tag title matches, this is a 2/3 falls match. Cheech and Cloudy are wearing their Incoherence-cito gear. Cheech being Delirious-cito and Cloudy being Hallowicked-cito. These four men have tagged together a few times now in CHIKARA in multiple combinations. Both Delirious and Delirious-cito go crazy at the bell. I’m not gonna bother calling them Delirious-cito and Hallowicked-cito throughout the match. “I DON’T LIKE THISSSS!” – Delirious. Delirious and Cheech exchange grunts. There’s lots of confusion as to who’s who at the start. Delirious and Cloudy start. Delirious controls the diminuitive Cloudy. Cheech and Hallowicked in. Cheech does exactly the same stuff that Delirious done to Cloudy. DEJA VU~! THERE’S A DELIRIOUS IN THE CROWD! Both Deliriouses go at it. The real Delirious trips Cheech, but Cheech has his number. ELBOW BATTLE! In a hilarious moment, they both decide to tag out, but tag out the wrong partners. Tremendous. Hallowicked and Cloudy go back-and-forth. Cloudy can’t slam Hallowicked, causing Hallowicked to fall on top of him and score Incoherence the first fall(6:44). That was bizarre.

Both Deliriouses run to the back after the bell. Their partners follow. They come back out and Cheech and Cloudy are wearing their regular gear. Incoherence chase them around ring-side. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED BACK THERE?! Cheech and Cloudy do not believe that they’re already one fall down. Cheech and Hallowicked trade some quick stuff before Cloudy is tagged in and Hallowicked is double-teamed. Cheech becomes the legal man again. Cloudy stands on Cheech’s shoulders and hits a senton off of them. Hallowicked hits a step-up ‘rana to Cloudy and tags out to Delirious. Delirious takes him out with a series of clotheslines. Cloudy is dominated by both members of Incoherence. Cloudy hits a quick missile dropkick to Hallowicked after some mis-communication between Hallowicked and Delirious. Delirious stops him from making the tag, though. Cloudy takes both out and tags Cheech in. Powerslam to Delirious and an STO to Hallowicked. Hallowicked eats a superkick. He springboards off of Delirious and lands a ‘rana to Hallowicked. Delirious gets his head knocked off with a Deluxe and the second fall goes to Cheech and Cloudy(17:01).

As Incoherence are on the outside, Cheech just launches Cloudy out onto them and follows with a moonsault plancha. Cloudy reverses a Hallowicked superbomb into a hurricanrana, but only gets two. Side slam/legdrop combo by Incoherence to Cheech only gets two. Delirious hits a Panic Attack to both men in the corner. He whips Cloudy into Hallowicked who hits a Riodine Bomb. There’s lots of chaos going down. Enziguri/superkick combo to Hallowicked almost wins it for Cheech and Cloudy. Hallowicked blocks a 619 from Cloudy and hits the Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. The Shadows Over Hell from Delirious only gets two. Delirious tombstones Cloudy onto Cheech’s prone body. PARTLY CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF CHEECH! POWERBOMB/ENZIGURI! ONE-TWO-NO! Delirious breaks it up! CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IS BLOCKED! Cloudy tries to roll him up, but is planted with Chemical Imbalance II! Cheech breaks it up. Hallowicked in. GRAVEYARD SMASH TO CHEECH! ONE-TWO-THREE! Total time not counting the breaks is 23:45.

Rating: ***1/2. I was debating going a bit higher than that, but the start of the third fall and most of the second were pretty flat to me. This match showcases pretty much everything that is great about CHIKARA. Insanely funny in the first fall, traditional in the second fall, and just balls-out furious action in the third. Tremendous.

To end, I’ll leave you all with some clips from this show that I uploaded to YouTube:

Delirious vs. Deliriouscito

The CHIKARA Dance Contest 2007, featuring Chucky T, Passion Hasegawa and PJ Drummond!

Claudio brings the awesome.

The 411: Wow, really easy recommendation here. With six ***+ matches it would be impossible not to. Absolutely amazing show. Legit contender to Maximum Overdraft for CHIKARA show of the year, in my opinion. CHIKARA DVDs can be purchased from smartmarkvideo.com.
Final Score:  8.0   [ Very Good ]