411’s Wrestlicious Report 05.26.10

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Aaaaand we’re back.

For those of you who may have missed it, I began reviewing the new all-women’s promotion Wrestlicious in March of this year, covering the first five episodes of the series. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, my reports stopped.

Why, you ask? Well, I missed episode six because Bite.ca, my normal source for viewing the show, did not get it online on its regular schedule, meaning that I did not have an opportunity to recap it before I left that weekend for the April SHIMMER tapings. By the time that I returned, the report would not have been timely.

Then, in another odd twist, new episodes of Wrestlicious stopped airing for several weeks. My understanding is that several local stations started syndicating the show in the middle of its season, so its primary outlets on cable, MavTV in the United States and BiteTV in Canada, stopped airing new episodes for a while so that the stations syndicating the show could, for lack of a better term, “catch up” with the end result being all local stations and cable networks airing Wrestlicious would be airing the same episodes the same week. I never received any notice of when new episodes of the show started airing again, and I just realized a few days ago that two new episodes had surfaced since my last look at the company.

So this is my attempt to catch up with Wrestlicious in anticipation of hopefully once again recapping the new episodes on a regular, weekly basis as they become available. With that said, let’s head in to the Wrestlicious triple shot!

Episode Six

The show opens with the results of the long-running Wrestlicious poll to chose the name of the battle royale that will help crown the promotion’s first champion. The winner is Cousin Cassie’s “Hoedown Throwdown,” and the match will actually be tonight’s main event. (Translation: It’s probably the only match on the show.)

It’s time for Jimmy Hart and Brooke Lynn (Becky Bayless), and Brooke vows in her faux New York accent that she’s going to be one of the winners of the battle royale. Ms. Lynn tells the Mouth of the South to go ahead and “put the crown on ice” for her. The Mouth of the South says that sounds like a good idea, because cooling the crown off might allow it to shrink Brooke’s swollen head. Oh, how I missed the comedy on this show.

Several more competitors for the battle royale are announced, namely White Magic (Lacey), Hope (Nicole Matthews), Alexandra the Great (Danyah), Maria Toro (Mercedes Martinez), and Amber Lively (Ashley Lane/Madison Rayne).

A “Country Quickie” with Tyler Texas (Lorelei Lee) and Cousin Cassie (a model) airs. They’re still knocking off Jeff Foxworthy.

Greg Valentine and “Wrestlicious Rapper” Lil’ Slamm (a model) are competing on “Are You Smarter Than a Male Wrestler?” Valentine cannot come up with the name MC Hammer (oh, the irony), so Slamm gets the question right and says that Hammer is “her favorite.” Wow, that sure makes your product look contemporary.

Speaking of making your product look contemporary, we get a recap of Kandi Kisses’ (Lizzy Valentine) first musical performance on Wrestlicious, during which it was revealed that she (gasp) lip syncs. Kandi is back in the arena for . . .

Match Numero Uno: Lil’ Slamm vs. Kandi Kisses

Yes, the one black girl in the promotion has to get the “rapper” gimmick. If that doesn’t speak volumes about the level of writing that we’ve got here, I don’t know what does. Kandi ambushes Slamm when the bell rings, but Ms. Slamm comes back quickly with a shoulder tackle and a cross body block. Kandi recovers and chokes the opposition on the ropes and in the corner before unloading with some kicks. Slamm actually manages to counter a blind charge by Kisses into a sunset flip, but Kandi cuts her off quickly and gives her a basement dropkick to the back. It gets two, so Kandi hits a backbreaker and slaps on a double chickenwing submission. Slamm stomps her foot on the mat to try to get the studio audience behind her comeback, and I don’t think I’ve EVER seen that spot fail so badly. Even though the crowd won’t get into her, Slamm makes her comeback with a stunner and a bulldog, which causes the announcer to namedrop “Cowboy” Bob Ellis. Really. Kandi Kisses comes back with the worst spear imaginable and misses a SHINING WIZARD of all things, giving Lil’ Slamm an opening to hit an x-factor and pick up the win.

Winner: Lil’ Slamm

The two competitors from the prior match are featured in Wrestlicious Heroines, which, for those of you who don’t remember, is a series of still comic book panels portraying a story about the wrestlers. Basically, animated Kandi and her goons beat up Slamm. I’ve never seen somebody get their heat back in comic strip form before.

Amber Lively is in your Takedown Spotlight, which means she rolls around in the same two yard area of beach that these women haven been rolling around in since the beginning of the series.

Now it’s time for the Young and the Wrestlers, the story of three women who were abducted by Wrestlicious “trainer” Bootcamp Bailey (a model) and shipped off to a mansion to be turned in to professional wrestlers. This week, Maria Toro pulls one woman into the ring against her will for training and stomps and forearms the holy hell out of her before hitting a snap suplex. “You want to get in my ring, huh?” Maria asks. No, Maria, actually she DIDN’T. That’s why you pulled her in there in the first place. Back at the mansion, Bailey feeds the trainees bread and water.

WRESTLICIOUS REWIND~! Paige Webb (Serena Deeb) makes a hot tag and a comeback to beat the Naughty Girls (Portia Perez & Nicole Matthews) on the last edition of the show.

1950’s transplant Shauna Na (Kristin Flake) is with her hangers on the Be-Bops. She says that her new beau must deliver socks to newborn babies, because she hears he always makes booty calls.

Match Numero Dos: Battle Royale featuring the Naughty Girls, Marley (Daizee Haze), Maria Toro, Paige Webb, Toni the Top (New York Knockout), Charlotte the Southern Belle (Amber O’ Neal), Brooke Lynn, Lacey Von Erich, Felony (Rain), Alexandra the Great, Autumn Frost (Jennifer Blake), Glory the All-American Girl (Christie Ricci), Draculetta (Daffney), Tyler Texas, Sierra Sheraton (Erica D’ Erico), Amber Lively, Kickstart Katie (Neveah), Maui (a model), and White Magic

As you might imagine, this is a schmozz. Tyler Texas is eliminated as soon as the bell rings thanks to a distraction from the floor by Maria Toro. Toro and Texas brawl on the outside while everybody else goes at one another in the ring. Charlotte is taken out of the ring by Brooke Lynne, and there goes White Magic at the hands of Marley. The Naughty Girls get rid of Marley and two other girls until all of the other wrestlers realize that the Catholics have been working together and toss the schoolgirls from the ring. Kickstart Katie gets Lacey Von Erich over the top, with the announcer referring to Lacey as a “Beautiful Person.” Teehee. Sierra Sheraton and Autumn Frost are gone, and Toni the Top blocks a monkey flip to get rid of Paige Webb. Maui is out after lasting an oddly long time for somebody with no real wrestling experience, and there goes Kickstart Katie at the hands of Glory. Alexandra tries to eliminate Brooke Lynn and succeeds, though Felony sneaks up and makes sure that Alex is also knocked out in the process.

And, just like that, our final three are Toni the Top, Glory, and Felony. Felony just waits on the sidelines to see what her opponents will do, and it’s a wise strategy, as Glory catches Toni in a headscissors and eliminates her with Felony not having to lift a finger. That means the match to determine the first Wrestlicious champion will be Felony versus Glory. The two women engage in a pull-apart brawl after the bell, and then, for some reason, one of Shauna Na’s Be-Bops signs off on behalf of the entire Wrestlicious crew.

Winners: Felony and Glory

Overall

Prior to my Wrestlicious hiatus, I noted that the shows had really started to follow a formula. They consisted of roughly fifteen minutes of godawful skits capped off buy a seven or eight minute long match which was fairly decent due to the fact that this promotion, unlike other GLOW revivals in the past, largely uses wrestlers who have training independent of what they received in order to do this series. With the battle royale being a big focus of this show, it broke that formula, and, unfortunately, it was a change for the worse. The skits were just as bad, but we didn’t get th solid main event match that would normally help compensate for them. Instead, we just had to watch a battle royale, which brought nothing to the table and consisted almost entirely of a series of basic eliminations occurring every fifteen seconds with little or nothing in between them. Oh well, at least Felony versus Glory should wind up being a decent match for the championship when and if it ever occurs.

Epiosde Seven

Jimmy Hart and Brooke Lynn open up the show, setting up Brooke’s match with Alexandra the Great later on tonight. Brooke says she’s not scared of Alex’s height or strength advantages, and Jimmy repeatedly insults Lynn. Brooke concludes by saying she has a secret weapon, namely her head. Jimmy’s retort? The only way Lynn’s head will be useful is if she beats Alexandra with the rocks in it!

Johnny C. walks in to the locker room, where Kandi Kisses is rocking out to her iPod. That is ALWAYS the highlight of the show. Johnny tells Maui that he feels like dancing and tries to turn it into an excuse to look at her ass.

Glory the All-American Girl is featured in this week’s Takedown Spotlight. I like how the woman they’ve chosen to portray the patriotic, baseball and apple pie classic American girl next door has a massive tattoo that runs the entire length of her back.

Backstage, Brooke Lynn is shown delivering an envelope of cash to Kickstart Katie, and then they attack the camerman. Could the angles on this show be any more transparent?

Oh, because I believe that this is her first Wrestlicious appearance outside of briefly being in the battle royale, I should probably mention that Kickstart Katie is known in the outside world as Neveah. She is an indy wrestler based out of Ohio who was a regular partner of Ashley Lane, the woman currently known in Wrestlicious as Amber Lively or in TNA as Madison Rayne. Neveah and Lane, in a bit of trivia, were the first ever SHIMMER Tag Team Champions.

Match Numero Uno: Brooke Lynn vs. Alexandra the Great

Alexandra is another first-timer if my memory serves me correctly, and she is being portrayed as a Canadian indy worker who goes by the name of Danyah and has, in the past, made some appearances for SHIMMER. Apparently the gimmick is that she’s Polish and muscular, so I guess she’s going for the modern day Ivan Putski vibe. Couldn’t they just have gotten Rachel Summerlyn for that? Oh, wait . . .

We’ve got a lockup to start, and Brooke rants about how her hair was pulled. The announcer keeps peppering his lines with Polish phrases, so I’m guessing he had something to do with the introduction of the Alexandra character. Speaking of Alex, she slaps on a headlock until Brooke pulls her hair to escape and slaps on her own headlock. The Pole shoots her opponent off of the ropes and takes her down with a shoulderblock for two. A dropkick from Alexandra connects, but Brooke goes to the eyes and hits a neckbreaker. Lynn chokes away as referee Bryce Remsburg counts. Brooke gets a two count off of all the choking and applies a version of the STF before fish-hooking her opponent. Danyah powers out of the hold but gets taken down by a hairpull and caught in a lateral press for two. Now Brooke goes to a chicken wing submission, and Alex stomping her foot does a little bit better than Lil’ Slamm’s attempt at the same routine on the last show. Polish Power hercs her opponent up and whips her off the ropes, knocking her down a couple of times and hitting a side slam for a nearfall. A scoop slam also can only get two, so Alexandra applies a Texas Cloverleaf so ugly that, if he saw it, Dean Malenko would commit suicide just so that he could roll in his grave. With Alexandra apparently having the match in hand, Kickstart Katie hits the ring for the disqualification. She and Brooke beat Alex down for a bit before leaving of their own volition.

Winner: Alexandra the Great via DQ

We are reminded that Felony and Glory will be vying for the first Wrestlicious championship and are then informed that we, the fans, will have the opportunity to vote for the woman who gets the first title shot after that match. Our options are Toni the Top, Autumn Frost, Marley, and Tyler Texas. Damn, I was really hoping Malia Hosaka would be an option.

It’s time for Wrestlicious Heroines. This segment is so useless. In comic form, Bandita and Maria Toro form an alliance and threaten Tyler Texas, who makes some comment about the Alamo.

Match Numero Dos: Maria Toro w/ Bandita vs. Tyler Texas

So why is Tyler Texas announced as hailing from Austin? Should she be, you know, from Tyler? Anyway, we’ve actually got some storyline continuity here, as the announcer points out that this match was set up by Toro causing Texas to be eliminated from the battle royale on the last episode and the two then brawling.

Tyler Texas voices some objection to Bandita being at ringside, and, when she won’t leave, she brings out her Cousin Cassie for backup. Maria waves her cape to start the match, so Texas charges into her with a GORE, GORE, GORE and unloads with some right hands. A headcissors from Tyler takes Maria down, as does a dropkick. Bandita grabs Tyler’s leg from the outside, however, allowing Toro to land a big boot. The bad girls choke Tyler as Cousin Cassie unwittingly distracts the referee. Tyler rallies, meanwhile, getting an armdrag out of a crucifix position and then a springboard armdrag that sends Toro to the floor. Ms. Texas follows with a leap off of the apron that sees her perch atop her opponent’s shoulders, eventually rolling through and giving Maria a rana on the floor. That gets two back on the inside of the ring, but Toro is able to come back with a variation of the stretch plum. Tyler makes the ropes, but she gets beaten on further when the hold is broken. Toro looks for her fisherman’s buster, but Tyler reverses and turns it into a DDT, setting up the comeback. Tyler’s sunset flip gets her a two count, as do another rollup and a backslide. Another attempt at a rana is made, but Maria reverses into a powerbomb for a nearfall of her own. Toro goes after the referee as a result of a perceived slow count, then running in to Tyler’s outstretched boot. A tornado DDT connects for the babyface, and Tyler goes for the cover. Bandita tries to run in and break up the pin attempt, but Cousin Cassie cuts her off and Tyler Texas gets the duke. All four women engage in a brawl after the bell.

Winner: Tyler Texas

And that’s it!

Overall

This episode was fairly mediocre. It is true that the two matches which took place involved four women who all have pre-Wrestlicious in-ring experience. However, of the women in the promotion who have pre-Wrestlicious experience, three of the four who were placed into the ring tonight (Lynn, Tyler, and Alexandra) are probably among the weakest of the actual wrestlers. The result was mediocre albeit not outright horrible matches and a limited number of bad skits, producing an innocuous twenty-five minutes of television which shouldn’t offend anybody but also shouldn’t be something that fans hunt down to watch. I will say that, for people who are Wrestlicious completists, the Maria Toro/Tyler Texas match was a bit of a change of pace, as they used a lot more high risk moves than the usual bout from this company. So, it wasn’t really all that great, but at least it was a bit of a break from the norm.

Episode Eight

Episode eight opens up with a recap of the Brooke Lynn/Kickstart Katie vs. Alexandra the Great angle from episode seven.

Brooke Lynn and Jimmy Hart are up, and Brooke informs us that a Throw in the Towel Match has been signed for this evening between Kickstart Katie and Alexandra the Great. Of course, for the match to come to an end, one wrestler’s corner will have to throw in the towel for her. Brooke will be in the corner of Kickstart Katie, and Alexandra will be seconded by Lacey Von Erich.

Shauna Na and the Be-Bops are still at the malt shop. This week, Shauna is dating a McDonald’s foster parent. You know, a real mack daddy. Seriously? Who uses that phrase anymore? It might be as dated as Shauna’s 1950’s slang.

Wrestlicious Heroines features even more setup for the submission match later on this evening.

Match Numero Uno: Kickstart Katie w/ Brooke Lynn vs. Alexandra the Great w/ Lacey Von Erich in a Throw in the Towel Match

Remember my comment about Glory’s oddly out of character back tattoo? Well, the young blonde girl who they have booked to play the biker Kickstart Katie has actually had a fake iron cross/skull tattoo applied to her bicep for the role. Wouldn’t it make more sense to have the girl who is naturally tatt’ed up play the biker while the blonde who really goes look like the girl next door plays Glory? Oh well, I guess thinking like that is why I’m not booking Wrestlicious.

Oh, by the way, Shauna Na and the Be-Bops are in the front row of the audience for no apparent reason.

There’s not much to see here early, as Alexandra works a headlock and then an armbar before Brooke trips her with her towel from the outside. That gives Katie the opportunity to slap on a chinlock before forearming away and landing some shoulders in the corner. A Curt Hennig-esque flying neck snap and a basement lariat are next from the biker, and Katie goes for the cover . . . but it doesn’t count in this match. Kickstart is just distracted enough that Alex is able to take her down and apply a bow-and-arrow submission combined with a toehold, but Katie goes to the eyes when the hold is released. A Kickstart Katie snap suplex connects, and Katie rolls through into a guillotine. Alex tries to roll through and fails, though she ultimately pops her head out and gets the camel clutch. HUMBLED~! Katie escapes the clutch and goes back to the chinlock and a front facelock when it looks like Alexandra might mount a comeback. Kickstart misses a charge into the corner, giving Alex an opening for a pair of dropkicks before attempting to get on a pendulum submission. Eventually that is turned into a curb stomp, which looks great but is completely ignored by our crack announce team. Alex goes to the cloverleaf that serves as her finisher, so Brooke Lynn runs in and attacks the Pole. Lynn gets Lacey’s Von Erich claw, causing Lynn to drop her towel. That apparently counts as a submission on behalf of Kickstart Katie for reasons that are beyond me, and Alex is declared the winner.

Winner: Alexandra the Great

Savannah the Southern Belle is back for another “School Belle” segment. She uses the word “ranch” like most of us would use “wrench.” High-larious.

In the Takedown Spotlight this time around is Felony. Sadly, there are no hijynx related to her gimmick here, just the standard bikini shots.

The Cuban Assassin and Marley are back on “Are you Smarter than a Male Wrester?” Marely schools the masked man in basic arithmetic.

Match Numero Dos: Amber Lively & Marley vs. Azizza & Brooke Lynn

Brooke comes out to the ring wearing a soft cervical collar, claiming that Lacey Von Erich injured her during the course of the last match. I don’t know how a claw hold hurt her neck, but that’s neither here nor there. Lynn says that she’s got a replacement for herself and Azizza, though, so what we actually get is . . .

Match Numero Dos: Amber Lively & Marley vs. Fran & Gert, the Lunch Ladies

Yes, the LUNCH LADIES. They look exactly like you would expect them to look. In reality, they are long-time female wrestler Lexie Fyfe and another veteran (albeit not a high profile one) from the Carolinas by the name of Fantasia. The older wrestlers attack their opponents from behind and hit stereo hair beals, though the younger team avoids a double charge, resulting in a malfunction at the junction. The Lunch Ladies come back with eye gouges and hair pulls before going for their utensils. Yes, utensils. The babyfaces are beaten with tongs and whatnot before they’re thrown out of the ring. Once on the floor, the Lunch Ladies reveal that they’ve brought a DESSERT CART with them, hitting Amber, Marley, and even referee Bryce Remsburg with cream pies. Okay, Bryce selling a pie-shot is the best thing ever in the history of this promotion. This bit does give us an answer as to why the 50’s girls were at ringside, though, as they also become victims of the pie.

Winners: No Contest (?)

Believe it or not, that’s what the show closes on.

Overall

Again, the wrestling wasn’t great here. However, I can’t imagine anybody expecting it to be. I will say, though, that I’m glad to see that the promotion is at least working on building some feuds and storylines to link the matches together instead of just presenting not particularly great bouts that are completely meaningless. The Lunch Ladies segment was an interesting one to watch just because it was essentially an updated version of an old GLOW segment that I remember from many years ago featuring the team of the Housewives beating up a pair of wrestlers with household goods and spraying them with various lotions. So, there was some nostalgia there for those of us who have been watching second-rate professional wrestling for decades now . . . and I guess getting a feeling of nostalgia out of a show is better than getting nothing out of it.