411’s WWE Raw Report 08.17.09

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-With one week to go until Summerslam Raw treats us to a huge tag team main event of Unified Tag Team Champions Chris Jericho & The Big Show going head to head with Summerslam main event opponents Randy Orton and John Cena. Freddie Prinze, Jr. hosts tonight from the Gateway City, and we should also see some hinjinks from the newly reunited D-Generation X. Without further adieu let’s get started.

-Live from the Scottrade Center in Baseball Heaven, USA (St. Louis, MO)

-Freddie Prinze, Jr. is out to start the program to a large round of indifference. Freddie says just like us he’s a life long WWE fan. He goes through all of the WWE stuff he had as a kid including a Coliseum Home Video plug, and says tonight is not about him but about you the fans. He says since he’s in charge we’re going to start Summerslam tonight. He says both the Diva Championship and United States Championship will be on the line. He is interrupted by some guy from some movie he was in or something. I’ve never seen any of this guy’s movies so I have no clue. It appears to be “I Know What You Did Last Summer” It turns out to Santino who wants to be in Freddie’s next movie. He says he doesn’t need to be in a horror movie, but can instead be in a romantic comedy. Santino changes into baggy clothes, and puts a wig on. He takes the sweatshirt off and has a sleeveless shirt, and says he’s “A sexy hot guy now.” This is a lot funnier than I can put into print. Santino asks if he’s going to be in “24” and asks if he needs a partner. He changes into a cop garb, and goes out and interrogates Lillian. He tells him to call Kiefer, and his wife the werewolf killer. Freddie tells him to go rehearse for the next two hours, and he’ll call everyone for him. Santino runs to the back, and Freddie says at least it wasn’t a Scooby Doo joke. He says he has one more match for us, and it’s the main event. Freddie gets interrupted by the hometown boy Randy Orton who gets a HUGE pop. Orton says tonight he’s teaming up with John Cena, but says he doesn’t like and he won’t do it. He says seeing as Summerslam is only six days away he doesn’t feel like competing at all tonight. Prinze says he can understand not wanting to team with Cena, but this is St. Louis. Orton’s hometown. He asks if he wants to disappoint these people. Orton says he’s not here to please the people, and says he has nothing in common with them. He says it all about him. He’s the WWE Champion, and informs Freddie he won’t ask him again. Orton orders Freddie to take him out of the match. Prinze tells him that he knows he respects him, but does he look like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. He says Orton will wrestle tonight, and he will team up with John Cena. Orton grabs Prinze in a headlock, and delivers his inverted backbreaker. So much for tonight’s guest host. Orton leaves as trainers and referee’s attend to tonight’s host.

-King and Cole get all indignant over Orton’s actions, and state that Freddie has been taken to a nearby medical facility for observation. So who’s in charge?

WWE United States Championship: Kofi Kingston © vs. Carlito (w. Rosa Mendes)
So I guess Carlito and Rosa are an item now? Carlito delivers a shoulderblock off the ropes, and Kofi is back with one of his own. They trade shoves, and Carlito hits the ropes and delivers a double axehandle to the back of Kofi sending him to the floor as we head to break. Back from commercial, and we see Carlito in control with a reverse chinlock sunk in on Kofi. Kofi fights to is feet, and comes free with a forearm, but Carlito is right back with a big boot for two. Carlito stomps down Kofi in the corner, and then delivers a back elbow off the ropes for two. Carlito sinks in a sleeper, and then goes for a suplex. Kofi flips out, and delivers a Side Russian Legsweep to buy some time. Kofi delivers a couple chops, and a one legged dropkick. Kofi does the legsweep rollup for two, and then delivers a jumping clothesline. Double legdrop connects for Kofi for another two count. Kofi hits a springboard crossbody for two, but then walks into a back elbow from Carlito. Kofi hits an uppercut coming back for two, and then hits a bicycle kick in the corner. Crossbody off the top by Kofi is rolled through by Carlito for two, and then he ducks a Trouble in Paradise attempt. Carlito hits a swinging neckbreaker for two, and then sets up for the backstabber. Kofi blocks it and then hits Trouble in Paradise to retain at 9:21. Everything leading up to Kofi’s comeback was pretty dull, but the finishing sequence was phenomenal.
Winner: STILL WWE United States Champion-Kofi Kingston (Pinfall-Trouble in Paradise **3/4)

-In case you forgot about DX, we get a nice DX retrospective showing a lot of stuff from 1997 and 2006 that they’ll never be able to do in the 2009 PG era.

The Calgary KidThe Miz vs. Evan Bourne
Miz, now sporting a new look with short trunks, says two weeks ago he was banned from Monday Night Raw. He says now he stands before us a new man with a new attitude and a new look. Same mouth though, and he says he is starting his quest to become the new US Champion. I still say he should have to wrestle as The Calgary Kid since that is who won the contract. Bourne gets the hero’s welcome from the hometown fans. Miz attacks with a flurry of right hands and stomps before getting pulled off by the official. Miz goes for a slam, but Bourne slides down the back. Bourne hits a clotheslines, and then hits a very innovated dropkick in the corner. Miz is back with a clothesline for two, and then drives a series of knees and kicks into the back of Bourne. Running boot from Miz connects for two, and that is followed by a double arm seated chickenwing. Miz switches to a bow and arrow, and then drives Bourne into the top buckle. Miz hits a running clothesline in the corner, and then heads to the top rope. He dives into a spin kick from Bourne, and that sends Miz all the way to the floor. Bourne catapults himself over the top with a crossbody to Miz on the floor, and then after Miz gets in the ring he delivers a spinkick. Hurracanrana by Bourne is followed by a dropkick and standing moonsault for two. Miz comes back with an inside cradle for two, but Bourne delivers a running knee. Bourne goes for Air Borne, but gets caught by Miz. Bourne is able to kick him away, and then jumps onto the shoulders of Miz. Miz counters though into a full-nelson facebuster (now called the Skull Crushing Finale per Lawler), and that finishes Bourne at 4:09. Remember kids, no one wins in their home town. Nice little match for the time it got.
Winner: The Miz (Pinfall-Skull Crushing Finale **1/2)

-Recap of the events leading to the return of DX

-DX arrives in their custom limo, and head to the ring through the back. They run into Jillian who is so excited to see them that she serenades them with her rendition of their theme, and gets a garbage can dumped on her head. They then run into Santino who is still rehearsing his role in 24, and he eats a superkick from Shawn. HHH says he didn’t think Santino was there to harm them, and Shawn casually says “Oh, I know.” Tremendous. Finally they head to the ring. HHH asks Shawn if its good to be back, and he replies that god help him he loves this stuff. HHH begins to go through the “Are you ready?” intro, but they get ambushed by Rhodes and Dibiase. HHH tries to make a comeback, but gets clipped by Rhodes as the beatdown continues. Cody takes Shawn’s boot off, and beats HHH over the head with it. If it wasn’t painfully obvious DX was winning Sunday already this pretty much clinches it. Dibiase tells HHH that was the answer to his question. Yes they are ready.

WWE Diva’s Championship: Mickie James © vs. Gail Kim
Rob Conway thinks Gail got an underwhelming pop. Gail hits an armdrag, and then both ladies go for dropkicks simultaneously. Gail hits a pair of forearms, and then a sunset flip for one. Gail counters a suplex, and they both roll through a small package several times with neither lady getting a count. Double clothesline puts both ladies out, but Gail is back with a crossbody for one. Mickie hits a back elbow, and then a hurracanrana out of the corner. Gail is back with a hurracanrana of her own, and then heads to the top rope with a missile dropkick for two. Mickie counters a big boot into a half crab, but Gail gets to the ropes. Gail then rolls up Mickie for one, and then misses a crossbody off the ropes. Mickie goes for a DDT, but it is horribly either botched by Mickie or blocked by Gail. Mickie then goes for a spin kick or something which misses and also looked botched. Finally Mickie delivers a forearm and that gets the win at 3:25. I have no idea what the hell that was, but Mickie looks pissed about the whole thing. I can’t blame her, because for two women touted as such great wrestlers that was one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen. I’m talking Jackie Gayda bad. Kelly Kelly and Rosa Mendez could have done better than that. If these are the best two ladies wrestlers in the WWE just shut down the whole division.
Winner: STILL WWE Diva’s Champion: Mickie James (Pinfall-Forearm -***)

-We get a recap of the opening segment, and then Cole informs us that Freddie has returned to the arena.

-Josh Mathews is with John Cena, and asks for his thoughts on having to team with Randy Orton tonight. Cena says you got to hand it to Orton, because he uses all of his assets available to him. Because of that he is the most successful superstar in the WWE. He says Orton has a lot of problems. He says when things don’t go Orton’s way he has a problem being a grown man. Cena says we all have problems though. Cena’s problems include a zit on his face, getting cut off in traffic, and when his dog poops on the floor. He mockingly says he can’t fight Show because he thinks he’ll eat him, can’t fight Orton because he uses too much baby oil, and can’t fight Jericho because he never learned to read. Cena says that’s how Orton handles things, but not him. He says he’ll give Orton the opportunity to fight with him tonight, and then at Summerslam he’ll take his title. Jericho interrupts and says Cena’s problems are worse than just Orton. They also include Jericho who is pissed he got dropped on his head. He tells Cena if he’s got a problem with him he’s also got a problem with Show. Show tells Cena that he might not even make it to Summerslam.

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Jack Swagger
No intros as we’re right to it with Swagger getting a go behind takedown, but then MVP answering with a right hand sending Swagger to the floor. MVP goes out and throws Swagger into the announce table, but back inside gets met with a series of boots from Swagger. Swagger stays on MVP in the corner, and refuses to break drawing the DQ at 1:04. MVP attacks out of the corner, and then Swagger bails. Its like they realized about five minutes ago they booked this match for tonight, and needed to get it over with as quickly as possible.
Winner: Montel Vontavious Porter (Disqualification-Refusal to Break at 5 DUD)

-Against the advice of the trainers Freddie Prinze, Jr. is headed to the ring.

Falls Count Anywhere Match: Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle
I’ve lost count, but I think we’re up to Chavo-Swoggle VII. My count may be off. Clearly this is the frontrunner for feud of the year. Swoggle tries to hide under the ring, and Chavo chases him underneath. Chavo comes diving out, and then Hornswoggle runs up the ramp. Chavo chases him into the back, and Chavo finds Primo in the back. He asks where he went, and Primo points down the hall. Nice to see he’s still getting a paycheck. Chavo wanders down the hall, and finally hears a noise coming from the Blues lockeroom (prompting a Lets Go Blues! Chant from the crowd). Chavo answers the door, and gets a paint can in the face ala Home Alone knocking him out. Hornswoggle comes from the other locker room and pins him at 2:22. Mark Henry appears from the first locker room, and Chavo accuses him of setting it up. Henry says it wasn’t him, and then MACAULY FREAKING CULKIN walks out and says “that’s not funny.” Well that redeemed the whole thing.
Winner: Hornswoggle (Pinfall-Flying Paint Can *)

-Cole and King run down the Summerslam card

-Floyd “Money” Mayweather hosts Raw next week.

Lumberjack Match: Chris Jericho & The Big Show vs. Randy Orton & John Cena
Freddie Prinze, Jr returns before the match starts, and lets Orton know he took a page out of Orton’s book. He made this one a lumberjack match, and he picked the lumberjacks himself. They don’t like Orton very much, of course its all the faces. Joined in progress out of the break with Show having Cena locked in a bearhug. Cena elbows free, and then goes for a flying shouldblock that is brushed off by Show. Cena goes for the tag, but Orton won’t oblige turning his back on him. Show sends Cena to the corner delivering a huge chop, and then whips Cena into the corner. Show charges, but Cena moves and he comes up empty. Cena makes the tag to Orton who had his back turned, and Orton walks into a spear from Show sending him to the floor. Mark Henry press slams Orton inside, and Show locks in a front facelock. Bodyshot from Show connects, and that is followed by a standing legdrop for two. Jericho tags in, and delivers a pair of kicks to the ribs. Jericho mounts Orton, and rams his head into the mat. Jericho locks in a sleeper hold, but Orton counters into a back suplex. Orton crawls towards Cena for the tag, but Jericho puts a stop to it and tags in Show. Show delivers a legdrop for a two count, and then grabs a trapezes pinch. Vertical suplex from Show connects, and then Jericho tags in. Jericho runs into a powerslam from Orton, and then again crawls for the tag. Jericho again stops him, and locks in a half nelson facelock. Orton elbows free but runs into a back elbow from Jericho. Lionsault attempt from Jericho comes up empty, and again Orton crawls for the tag. This time Cena makes the tag, and comes in with a series of shoulderblocks. Protoplex connects by Cena, and that sets up the five knuckle shuffle. Cena gets stopped by Big Show, but he drops Show down on the top rope sending him to the floor. Cena turns around and delivers the Attitude Adjustment to Jericho to pick up the pin at 8:23. Orton then comes in and delivers an RKO, and then takes off for the back. Jericho and Show go for the beatdown, but the face lumberjacks come to make the save. Jericho and Show fight them all off, but can’t fight off SuperCena as he knocks both of them out of the ring and stands tall in the ring. Orton poses with the belt, and that’s all for tonight.
Winners: John Cena & Randy Orton (Cena pins Jericho-Attitude Adjustment **1/4)

-Seemed kind of light for a go home show. Nothing too terrible this week, but nothing to write home about either. Not a whole lot you can say. For anyone interested I’ll be in Kansas City tomorrow night for the Smackdown, and will be posting results on my twitter page. So if you can’t wait until Friday night, go ahead and check that out.