The RAWtopsy 06.11.07

by J.D. Dunn June 11, 2007 Live from Wilkes-Barre, Pa. Your hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Joey Styles, Taz, Michael Cole and John Bradshaw Layfield. Vince “Uncle Junior” McMahon reads a prepared statement, saying it wouldn’t be fair for him to have his family speak on his behalf, so we’ll get unbiased testimonials. Edge vs. John Cena. Different rules this year. If a guy wins, his brand gets the draft pick which will be chosen by random draw…unless Ted Dibiase buys off the good one. Edge avoids a charge and clubs Cena in the back. He dropkicks Cena to the floor. Cena comes back in with a sunset flip. Edge gets two but stops to argue and gets scooped up into the FU, but he slips out and kicks Cena’s tooth loose. Cena counters a chinlock to the STFU, but Edge is in the ropes. Cena hits the Throwback and avoids a spear, sending Edge to the floor. He makes the mistake of following him out, though, allowing Edge to slip out of an FU and toss him into the announce table for the COR win at 12:53. Gotta admire weaselly Edge. **1/4 Smackdown gets…no whammy, no whammy, no whammy! STOP! The Great Khali! So, in the span of a year, he’s gone from Smackdown to ECW to Raw and back to Smackdown. What a whore. Speaking of which, let’s go to special Rawtopsy WWE Draft correspondent Paris Hilton… JD: Paris, can you hear me? Paris: Hey, bitch. JD: What’s the mood like now in the Smackdown locker room after getting the Great Khali? Paris: It’s blue. JD: They’re sad? Paris: No. I mean they’re all wearing blue. It’s tacky. They should totally switch to black. It’s like slimming. Especially for that big black guy over there. JD: Well, blue is Smackdown’s color, so it shouldn’t be surprising. Paris: They should switch. It will work. I am a marketing genius. So anyway, I’m really hungry, and they say I can get a Snickers from the vending machine if I have a one-dollar bill. Like, what is that? JD: Uh, it’s chocolate with some caramel and peanuts. Not bad. Paris: No. I mean a one-dollar bill. Like, which governor is on that one? JD: You know what, you better just wait and ask your therapist for change of a hundred. Paris: Good idea. That’s hot. JD: Okay. Great. I’ll send you a loaf of bread with a file in it. Paris: Cool. My nails are getting so grody. Love you, bitch. Former governor Jesse Ventura says Vince hasn’t earned the right to be called “Mister.” Jonathan Coachman says Vince just informed him that Vengeance will be a “Night of Champions.” Man, he really is always the last to know. Any former WWE champion is invited to show up and challenge for the title. Specifics will be forthcoming, I assume. CM Punk vs. Carlito. Punk starts out hot but jumps right into a dropkick from Carlito. Carly goes after Punk’s oft-injured ribs. Punk comes back with a Boston Crab and a springboard clothesline. A roundhouse kick puts Carlito down for two. Carlito hits the Backstabber, but Punk rolls to the floor. Back in, Punk hits the Go2Sleep for the win at 4:52. *1/2 And Punk earns…The Boogeyman. Punk seems happy with the pick, so I guess worms are okay for straight-edgers. Mick Foley says, “Hey, I’m a former WWE Champ, I think I’ll be at Vengeance.” Umaga vs. Balls Mahoney. Well, this should be quick. Even Joey Styles doesn’t give Balls a chance. Boot to the gut. Thrust kick. Samoan Spike. Raw gets another draft choice at 0:29. 1/4* And with that, Raw gets…KING BOOKAAAAAAH! And presumably Queen Sharmell because she’s right there with him. Steve-O challenges Vince via video and then remembers that he’s a big stoner and says it was all a joke. Chris Benoit vs. Bobby Lashley. Benoit actually gives Lashley someone to wrestle with, and Lashley actually looks like the wrestler he is because of it. I understand that big moves get big pops, but if he’d do a little more wrestling in between, it would go a long way toward making those power moves more meaningful. Benoit goes for a Crossface a bunch of times, but Lashley picks him up for the Argentine Backbreaker Drop. He shouldertackles Benoit in the corner, but Benoit reverses his suplex to the Crossface. Lashley is in the ropes, though. Lashley picks Benoit up like a rag doll, but Benoit slips out and hits ROLLING GERMANS. Lashley practically no-sells, but Benoit locks in the Sharpshooter! Lashley powers out. Benoit charges…right into the powerslam at 7:25. Good effort, especially considering this was a throwaway match. **3/4 And Chris Benoit should have a chance to get revenge because ECW gets the draft pick, and he winds up getting chosen. Suspended Diva Ashley shows a clip of Vince making Trish Stratus bark like a dog. In honor of Vince Appreciation Night, she sends out Moolah and Mae Young in their delicates to bark like dogs. Jimmy Snuka and Iron Sheik share their thoughts on Vince. BREAK HIS BACK! FUCK HIS ASS! MAKE HIM HUMBLE! WENDI RICHTER IS LESBIAN! MVP vs. Santino Marella. So it’s IC Champ versus US Champ. Santino starts out quickly, but MVP comes back and controls with a cravat. They trade kicks, a battle that MVP loses, so he goes to the throat. Marella goes up and hits a shoulderblock. MVP reverses a corner whip and hits the Kawada Kick. That sets up the Playmaker at 4:59. * And with that, Smackdown receives – Torrie Wilson. Whoop-dee-doo, Basil. MVP seems to like it, though, and that would be a nice pairing. Snitsky vs. The Miz. Snitsky with some stuff. It’s not important. He wins at 1:26. But he’s not done, so the ref reverses his decision. The funniest thing is Miz’s “That’s fuckin’ right!” reaction to his “win.” 1/4* With that, Chris Masters heads to Smackdown. Bobby Heenan, who doesn’t look long for this world, puts Vince over. Roddy Piper shows us some embarrassing moments in the life of Mr. McMahon. Mark Cuban talks about what a winner Vince is. And if anyone would know what a real winner looks like, it’s the guy whose team chokes every time out. Sorry, Dallas fans. It’s true. Candice Michelle vs. Kristal Marshall. So, I suppose Kristal loses this, and Teddy gets drafted to Raw? Kristal is going with a sort of leather Catwoman look, and Candice’s mannerisms are starting to mimic Trish Stratus’. Kristal works the leg. Yes, you read it right. Candice comes back with the Go Daddy Elbow and a Tarantula Headscissors. Candice hits a nice spinning wheel kick to knock Kristal cold at 1:41. If they keep it short, Candice looks really good. 1/2* And that earns them…Bobby Lashley, which is kind of like asking your girlfriend to move in with you and finding out she gave up her apartment six months ago and she’s *been* living with you. In other words, Lashley has been appearing on Raw for a while now anyway. I was kind of looking forward to Lashley versus Benoit. Sadly, although Lashley is now Raw property, the ECW Title has to stay on ECW, so Jonathan Coachman strips him of the title. That makes more sense than just swapping the titles. Bob Costas is upset that he got passed over for a WWE announcer spot and had to settle for baseball and the Olympics. He jokes (?) that after his interview with McMahon on HBO, interviewing Bobby Knight was a relief. Triple Threat: Jeff Hardy vs. Elijah Burke vs. Batista. Okay, to say the deck is stacked is an understatement. Burke bails early because he’s afraid of Batista, so Jeff tosses him back in. Batista powerslams Burke for two. Jeff comes in and hits the Whisper in the Wind and the Swanton. Burke pulls him off the cover, though, and hits an STO. JBL says he’d like to see Jeff come to Smackdown so the Hardyz would be reunited. Yeah, just think of what they might accomplish. Batista finishes Burke with the Demonbomb after Jeff got knocked out. Smackdown earns another one at 3:33. * And the next draft selection is…Ric Flair! Capt. Lou Albano calls Vince a little Punk and then puts himself over with catchphrases. Well, that was fascinating. Gay guys are now pitching Haggar khakis while Winston Wolf is hocking Gatorade. Isn’t 2007 weird? Michael Cole announces a supplemental draft on Wednesday. Dusty Rhodes talks about Vince stepping over people and says, even though he disagrees with Vince’s views, he respects him. Mean Gene Okerlund thanks Vince for firing him so he could get a good job with WCW. But you’ll have to call the hotline to hear what he really thinks about him. 15-Man Battle Royal This is for TWO draft picks. Let’s see. Matt Hardy, Mark Henry, Chavo Guerrero, Chris Masters , William Regal, Kevin Thorn, Marcus Cor Van, Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, Matt Striker, Viscera, Eugene, Kenny Dykstra, Johnny Nitro and Randy Orton. Striker and Sandman go early. Striker actually looked accidental, but it’s not like he was going to win anyway. Mark Henry tosses Chavo Guerrero like Akon with a concert-goer. There goes Tommy Dreamer. Henry dumps Thorn. Henry and Vis go belly-to-belly. Henry clotheslines him and upends him to the floor. We come back from a break to find Henry going after his own teammate, which is find because a handful of Raw guys eliminated each other. Cor Van misses the Pounce and goes over the top. Nitro gets dropkicked over by Orton. That leaves Henry, Hardy, and Orton. Henry goes after Hardy, nearly giving JBL a heart attack because he wants them to team up against the Raw guy. Matt adopts the Benoit strategy of hanging on to a front facelock for dear life, so Orton just sneaks up and dumps Henry over. Matt is able to hang on, though. He counters the RKO to the Side Effect, but Orton comes back with a stretch backbreaker. Orton counters the Twist of Fate and uppercuts Matt out at 13:38. 3/4* So, Snitsky goes right back to Raw, and so does…Mr. Kennedy! JD: So, Paris, would you like to sum things up? Paris: Okay, I drew a little chart with my lipstick and a sanitary napkin, and by each WWE superstar’s name I put a little snowflake thingie if I’d fuck them. Raw ECW Smackdown Booker T* Chris Benoit* The Great Khali Snitsky Boogeyman Torrie Wilson* Bobby Lashley* Chris Masters* Mr. Kennedy* Ric Flair* Paris: So there you have it. ECW is the least sexy brand. Back to you. JD: O…kay. You know, this is the last time I agree to participate in a work-release program. Steve Austin thanks Vince for driving such expensive vehicles for him to destroy. JR announces Cena will defend against Foley, Lashley, Orton & King Booker. Finally, the chairman himself comes out, hopefully to hand the reigns over legit. Instead, he just walks out through the arena, past all the superstars and…the screen cuts to black. DON’T STOP BELIEVIN’! Kidding. Instead, he gets in his limo, which promptly blows up. Ha ha! Now we get “Who killed Vince?” which should be fun. Unless he actually died, in which case…we’ll still get the same angle. This sounds like a job for Inspector Liam Wallace. But my money is on former NWA jobber Randy Mulkey…or Triple H. The 411: The draft was good for the most part. We knew there weren’t going to be any HUGE changes (like Triple H or Shawn going to Smackdown). For the most part, the guys who were drafted had done all they could on the brand they were on and were in need of a change. And before you say, “Oh, that’s the stupidest thing they’ve ever done,” in regards to Vince going boom, it’s not even the stupidest thing they’ve done this year. At least this angle will have some intrigue.