News From Cook’s Corner 11.09.06

Tonight is gonna be huge.

Today’s column…not as much. We’ve got the Great Positivity Debate 3 Results Show to conduct and not a lot of news out there worth talking about. And since work is kicking my ass, I didn’t even have enough time to recap Chikara. Maybe I’ll do a doubleshot next week. We shall see.

On to the news!

America’s Least Wanted

There’s been some confusion recently on the Internet…some people actually believe that Kevin Federline is a guy who can bring in outside viewers to WWE and help create another wrestling reurgence in popularity. There’s one key problem with this opinion though…nobody cares about him.

You don’t believe me? Well, here’s the hard facts, K-Fed fans…you know how many albums your hero sold last week, the first week that his album came out?

6,500.

Six thousand, five hundred.

Do I really need to tell you how absolutely pathetic that is for an album like his that was endlessly hyped all over the place? I’m actually amazed that this many people bought it. Maybe he has a larger extended family than I would have guessed.

One thing I do know is that his family isn’t as big as it used to be. Britney finally figured out that she’d fucked up and now she’s left him. Good for her. Now he doesn’t even have that to be famous for. I guess the good thing for you K-Fed fans is that he might have to make some more wrestling appearances because nobody else takes him remotely seriously.

Ah…you know, I don’t even want to say anything. I just want to bask in the good news. Let’s move on…

Survivor Series Matches announced on WWE.com

DX, The Hardys & CM Punk vs. Edge, Randy Orton, Gregory Helms, Johnny Nitro & Mike Knox

John Cena, Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Kane & Lashley vs. Big Show, Umaga, Finlay, MVP & Test

You know, I think these matches kinda capture what I think is wrong with WWE at the moment. Because I take a look at the face side of things and I think “OK, Cena, RVD & Sabu are all pretty over, Kane & Lashley too”…and then I take a look at the heel side and except for Show & Finlay I can’t take any of them seriously as a threat to the faces.

I do look forward to the Internet imploding when Punk is the first member of his team eliminated. Nah, who am I kidding…that’s what Matt Hardy’s there for.

Claudio Castagnoli headed for Deep South Wrestling?

The Most Money Making Man has signed a WWE developmental deal and it’s believed that he’ll be heading to DSW next month. I’m not surprised that Claudio would follow the money, and I certainly don’t fault anybody for taking it. But there is part of me that weeps for the death of the Kings of Wrestling. I know, it’s the smarky thing to do to say that he shouldn’t go to WWE because they won’t use him worth a damn…but it’s pretty much true. Oh well, c’est la vie. Good luck Claudio!

Add these names to the Wrestling Society X talent list:

Colt Cabana, Jimmy Jacobs, Tyler Black, Josh Abercrombie, Aaron Aguilera, NWA Wildside star Luke, Puerto Rican star Ricky Banderas, CZW/PWG star B-Boy, female star Sara Del Ray, former XPW and ECW regular Vic Grimes, ROH’s Lacey, PWG’s Disco Machine, PWG’s Quicksilver, PWG champion Joey Ryan, PWG’s Youth Suicide, PWG’s Kaos, Alkatrazz, PWG’s Scorpio Sky Andrews, and PWG’s Babi Slymm have all been added to the WSX talent roster.

Well goddamn, if they’ve got Cabana now I’ve gotta watch this show. And they could do a lot worse than ripping off ROH’s emo gimmick for Jacobs and playing it on MTV. That just might get over pretty big on that channel.

In other WSX news, here are the bands appearing for the WSX tapings next week…

11.11.06: Morning Taping – Lloyd Banks
11.11.06: Morning Taping – The Deftones
11.12.06: Afternoon Taping – Pepper
11.14.06: Morning Taping – Jibbs
11.14.06: Afternoon Taping – Good Charlotte
11.15.06: Morning Taping – Yin Yang Twins
11.15.06: Afternoon Taping – Pitbull
11.16.06: Morning Taping – Gym Class Heroes
11.16.06: Afternoon Taping – New Found Glory

OK, I know…4 of these groups and have no idea who the rest are. ASK 411!

Oh yeah, I do that column now. Scratch that.

TJ Wilson signed to WWE

Wilson and Harry Smith have been tag team partners up in Canada for quite awhile. Hey, maybe now they’ll have something for Harry to do!

Not too much other news this week…we’ve got a positivity debate to decide anyway so let’s just go to the…

Plugs

Csonka watched Cyber Sunday. Well, somebody had to.

Meehan strokes his ego when he’s not too busy winding up message boarders and creating situations that nearly get 411 kicked off its server. Other than that, he’s ok.

Clark thinks HBO needs wrestling. I would comment about how HBO likes to have more upscale programming, but then I remember that Dane Cook has a show on there and I decide to drop the topic.

Gamble’s easier to like when the Steelers suck.

Ari brings the Honor…and the Tomfoolery too. I would just send him my live show thoughts, but I’m too lazy to write them down until I write my column. Plus, I need the hits.

I got something in the mail from JT this week. No, it wasn’t a bomb.

Ask 411! I thought Bobby Duncum Jr. had left WCW just before his death, but I will do more research into this matter before next week’s column.

And now, without further delay…it’s positivity time, baby!

Ed McMahon: Welcome to the Third Great Positivity Debate Results Show! Ladies and gentlemen, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Steve!

“Theme from The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson” plays as Steve Cook walks onto the stage to the applause of everybody in the 411 Mania Theatre.

Cook: Thank you! Thank you! Ed McMahon, everybody! Please be seated. Aw come on now, cut it out! Thank you.

Today is a landmark day in the history of the Internet Wrestling Community, as we are crowning-

Dennis Green: IF YOU WANNA CROWN THEIR ASSES, GO AHEAD AND CROWN THEM!

Cook: Dennis Green, everybody!

Dennis Green: THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE…AND WE LET THEM OFF THE HOOK!

Cook: Ha ha ha ha…as I was saying, we are determining the winner of the biggest and best Great Positivity Debate of all time. Let’s take a look at the brackets!

Cook: As you can see, we ended up with a titanic struggle in the finals between Stephen Randle & Team Hidden Highlights. We will be introducing you to all three participants here in a little bit, but first let’s meet some of the dignitaries in attendance tonight!

First of all, the founder of 411 Mania….Ashish!

*applause*

Ashish: I own you all!

Cook: You sure do! Here’s the co-editor of 411’s Wrestling Zone and writer of 346 columns a week…Larry Csonka!

*applause*

Csonka: You all fear me! Where’s the open bar?

Cook: Down the hall, to the right.

Csonka: See ya suckers!

Cook: Ladies and gentlemen, the rest of the 411 writing staff!

*The whole staff waves as the crowd applauds*

Cook: And also in attendance…the 411 Fan Forum administrators and moderators!

*massive booing*

Cook: Last but not least…Christian Slater!

*polite applause as Slater waves to the crowd*

Cook: All right! Now it’s time to introduce the competitors! First, Team Hidden Highlights…

Introducing first, hailing from the Wolverine State…a man that I would trust with my woman, and not just because Csonka says he’s gay…James Thomlison! And his tag team partner, a man who has visited a greater number of countries than the number of women most IWC members have talked to in their lives…J.P. Prag!

*JT & JP walk out to “Theme From Hidden Highlights” while the crowd cheers*

Cook: All right guys…what was your strategy going into this debate?

JT: Well, Cook, that’s a fairly easy question. My strategy was to be more positive than Randle in order to garnish more votes and be crowned victorious! Duh!

JP: JT and I obviously have the most experience at this, so we tried to continue to play to our strengths and make it a collaborative effort. Combining our thoughts together is a tough job, but we push each other to think differently and that always has helped us out.

Cook: Were you pleased with how it went?

JT: I was very pleased with how it went. It got the most votes ever which was a good thing, because it means that our messages of positivity are reaching more people than they ever had. Randle had some excellent answers, and was every bit the competitor I thought he would be.

JP: Well, I’m coming at this from a very different perspective. For me, it was never about the debate but was about what led up to it. The entire thing was designed to bring exposure to a number of different writers, to cross zones, and to share readers. To that end, I think we accomplished those goals fully. And from just TGPD3 end, yes, I’m quite happy with everything we wrote. Everyone worked really hard on this, and it is the culmination of three months of work. I’m very happy how it all played out.

Cook: How did you guys feel when you found out you would be taking on one of 411’s most experienced wrestling writers?

JT: I was nervous, I really was. Randle has one of the longest tenures out of the writers here at 411, and I personally made no bones about the fact that he has a very large audience. We knew some people would simply vote for their favorites rather than who they truly thought was more positive (for both sides, mind you), and that’s a very scary thought when you’re facing a weekly hit-count the size of Randle’s.

JP: Honestly, I was very nervous. I really wanted you, Cook, to win because I thought we’d have an easier time taking you down. Hehehe, kidding… maybe. But Randle has a huge fanbase and has been around much longer than JT and I, so we knew then it was an uphill battle. On the other hand, it truly is an opportunity. I think Andy Clarke used TGPD2 to raise his profile, and I thought this could do the same for those who have still not taken in a good dose of Hidden Highlights.

Cook: All right guys, thank you very much. Just sit down in those chairs over there, enjoy a cold beer, and bear with me while I introduce your opponent. From the Great White North…weighing in at 450 pounds…411 Wrestling Zone Co-Editor and Lord of the Dance…Stephen Randle!

*”Theme from The Wrestling News Experience” plays as Stephen Randle walks onto the stage to the cheers of the crowd*

Cook: OK Randle…what was your strategy going into this debate?

Randle: Beer, and lots of it.

*rimshot*

Actually, you can’t really have a strategy for something like this. Being positive isn’t something you can train, and it’s definitely something you can’t force. If you’re not just being yourself, people are going to recognize it in your arguments. It’s reallly, really hard to argue positively for something you don’t actually believe in.

I think I had an additional advantage in that I went solo, because you don’t have to deal with any possible conflicting viewpoints. Everything that gets written is totally by me, uninfluenced by anyone else’s opinion. JP and JT work well as a team, sure, but have you seen them argue some days?

Anyway, all I did was be mentally prepared, I gave 110%, took it one question at a time, brought my A game, and played to the best of my abilities. Any other sports-related cliches I can give? No? All right, I’m done.

Cook: Were you pleased with how it went?

Randle: Absolutely. And that has nothing to do with the fact that I was an unstoppable juggernaut heading into the debate, having crushed all competition up to that point. Plus, no matter what the voting result, both teams managed to beat the “you guys are crazy” option. Crazy we may be, but we try hard, and I’m proud to be a part of the one vote this week that set record highs in voter turnout. It shows that all our hard work wasn’t wasted, and that people really appreciate what we do on a weekly basis.

Cook: Were you nervous at all about going in there against people who have arguably taken positivity to new heights in the past year?

Randle: No, not at all. This isn’t to take anything away from Team Hidden Highlights, they’re good people, and great at what they do. But I had faith in myself, and in my fans, to carry the day. I came into 411 promising to reverse the tide of cynicism that I saw sweeping across the Internet wrestling frontier, and the emergence of so many positive columns, like Hidden Highlights and the Great Positivity Debate, has shown me that it wasn’t in vain, and that there are still wrestling fans out there who can find the good in things, even when the rest of the world wants us to think that everything’s going to hell.

Cook: Stephen Randle, ladies and gentlemen! *applause* Now, before we hear the results of this contest, let’s hear what some of the voters had to say…

“Suckas! Joe’s gonna kill you!”

“If Randle wins, we riot!”

“No-one holds a candle to the great Steven Randle. He is just simply too hot to handle.”

“12 inch cock? Will this get published? Vagina! Bye.”

“I tried fixing the voting last time so that Bayani would win. I voted at least 70 times, yet Andy Clark demolished him. Nothing will stop Randle, though.”

“absolute travesty, nobody is more positive then the originators of positivity jt and jp”

“Cliteral cunt. Ok, I’m off now. See you later, mate!”

*applause*

Cook: Fantastic! And now, our musical guests…singing their song “Positivity”, here are the Black Eyed Peas!

You gotta keep it on the positive
Na, na, na…
Nowadays it’s hard to make a livin but easy to make a killin ’cause
People walk around one just one itchy feelin
I feel nauseated from your evil drug dealin, bless feelin
The definition of top billin
It’s ill the my vocabulary
Diggin your life style scary
No wonder why you carry a two, to retaliate
Tryin to annihilate
The one a two annihilate you
They got some dude just to get you bugged
Really y’all, this sh*t is all out of whack
You can go out at night yet you won’t come back
And this verse that I’m kickin some might take it personal
And come out and get me, but worst of all
These rap fans are taking these sh*t serious
It ain’t New York versus L.A.
‘Cause really it’s hip-hop, not a big ole’ problem
Now let’s see what we could do to solve them (Solve them…)
Na, na, na…
We gotta keep it on the positive (Positive…)
Na, na, na…
We must keep it on the positive (Posivive…)
Lucifer’s got your little mind twisted
‘Cause God once gave you the meaning of life and you missed it
You’ve been listed in the devil’s books
Livin the life of crooks and hoes and in such and such
All that sh*t, that don’t mean much
You got one hand on your gat while your genitals are being touched
Livin the life that’s plushed and glamourus
Drunk and high with your little soul’s crushed
Don’t you know that life is a mirage
I keep myself sober so my soul is camouflaged
If the devil cannot see me tell me how can he attack me
If he can’t grasp a hold tell me how can he try to snatch me
I ain’t talking about the white man, the black man or a Jew man
‘Cause the devil can exist in every human
Look how Biggie went out, and Tupac went out
And Martin, and Malcolm, and Kennedy, and ?Squeek?
And Adam, and Rene, and so on, and so on…
Na, na, na…
We gotta keep it on the positive (Positive…)
Na, na, na…
We gotta keep it on the positive (Posivive…)
Even though we got problems
We gotta find some way to solve ’em
I hope you come and follow me now
(Keep it on the positive)
Even though we got problems
I hope you find some way to solve ’em (Solve ’em…)
(Keep it on the positive)
P-O-S-I-T-I-V-I-T-Y (2x)
We’re currently located over the Los Angeles scene
While you see a lot of niggas perpetrating like they’re kings
With this so-called God complex
But when I see they mind they only see checks
So let’s get our heads together
Let’s form a foul weather
Proclaim against perpetrators
Well said, Alligator
Our realm, no perpetrator
A society choose the elevator
Of success by identity cross-fader
Complex thinking they’re really much greater
Plain raw, harness all, maybe rough radar
Tough enough to perpetrate, I talk to you later
But wait, what about that midget brains
Unable to see reality too unreal
I’m sealed with mind, body and soul
Connected together, we tougher than leather
We much more than you think we are
We are the product of our on environment repent
With equality, plus durality
And taken all kind of posibilities (…bilities)
I sing the song from the soul
Let it rise from the tone
Let it rhythmically grow
Into it’s own life
Let it become you
Then you become it
Once you become it everything will be infinite
Will be infinite, will be infinite, will be infinite…
We much more than you think we are
We are the product of our on environment repent
With equality, plus durality
And taken all kind of posibility
I sing the song from the soul
Let it rise from the tone
Let it rhythmically grow
Into it’s own life
Let it become you
Then you become it
Once you become it everything will be infinite
Will be infinite, will be infinite, will be infinite…

*crowd cheers*

Cook: The Black Eyed Peas! All right, now it’s time to take a look at the results. Your choices were as follows:

* Team Hidden Highlights (JP Prag and James “JT” Thomlison) won the debate
* Team Randle (Stephen Randle) won the debate
* Team Hidden Highlights won the debate, but I want to vote for Team Randle anyway
* Team Randle won the debate, but I want to vote for team Hidden Highlights anyway
* You are all ridiculous for going through with this thing… AGAIN!

Cook: Am I the only one who thinks choices 3 & 4 are kinda dumb? I mean, you don’t see an option at the voting booth for “this guy’s a jackass but I always vote Republican”, do you? Whatever.

Now…the moment of truth!

Is the suspense killing you?

Is it?

Everybody else in the building: YES!

Cook: OK then…the winner of the Great Positivity Debate 3 Finals…with 36.2% of the vote…you know, that wouldn’t be enough to win an election in most countries…anyway, the winner is none other than…

STEPHENNNNNNNNNNNN
RAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Here are the official results:

Team Hidden Highlights (JP Prag and James “JT” Thomlison) won the debate 32.8%
Team Randle (Stephen Randle) won the debate 36.2%
Team Hidden Highlights won the debate, but I want to vote for Team Randle anyway 3.4%
Team Randle won the debate, but I want to vote for team Hidden Highlights anyway 3.2%
You are all ridiculous for going through with this thing… AGAIN! 24.4%

Cook: And now, ladies and gentlemen, your Great Positivity Debate 3 Champion…Stephen Randle!

Randle: First off, I have to thank the readers, because they turned out in droves for the voting, and the fact that a simple guy who writes on the Internet can invoke that kind of support is a little overwhelming. Secondly, of course, I have to thank JT and JP for bringing me in to do the Great Positivity Debate, because with all the time they spend kissing up to Larry, I was beginning to feel left out. Also, thanks for not rigging the vote. And finally in my list of thanks, I have to thank the Boogeyman, because he gives me the edge over JT in any debate we ever have. I was so hoping Clark would put a Boogeyman-related question in the debate, but I guess that wouldn’t have been fair.

It’s been a long couple months of debating, and after keeping mostly quiet about it, I have to say that I’m so happy that I can finally officially claim that The Wrestling News Experience is the reader-chosen Most Positive Column on the entire Internet.

At least until the next debate.

Cook: Stephen Randle, everybody! Now, JT…JP…you guys gave it your all but it wasn’t quite enough this time. What do you guys have to say?

JT: One of the greatest qualities a defeated man can have is to be able to show respect for the man who has defeated him. Therefore, I offer my congratulations to Rande; he put a lot of work into this and it paid off for him. Thanks to all the people who voted for us, and be sure to check back each week for not only Hidden Highlights but for The Wrestling News Experience!

JP: Beaten at our own game? What more can I say. Hey, sometimes you have to take the lumps. Randle, you deserve your victory and can now be called a true Canadian hero. I just want to thank you and all the other people involved in our long experiment. And of course the question remains: what do we have planned for The Great Positvity Debate 4?!

Cook: Another defeat?

*crowd laughter*

Cook: Oh…I kill me. Seriously though, thanks to everybody for showing up tonight, and a special thanks to all three competitors for agreeing to appear here today. Until next time, this is Steve Cook saying…be positive! Unless something really, really sucks.

What? At least I didn’t close by pointing out that I came closer to beating Randle than JP & JT did…whoops, I guess I just did! Good night everybody!