Down With The Brown: True Life: I’m A Professional Wrestler (1999)

Wrestling with Shadows and Beyond the Mat are widely considered to be THE best documentaries about pro wrestling. And I definitely agree. During the wrestling resurgence of the late ‘90s suddenly EVERYBODY wanted to do a wrestling documentary or some wrestling themed movie so for about an 18 month period, fans were in heaven.

Even MTV got on the bandwagon. And for that, I’m gonna bitch about MTV though I know that it’s so cliche that even bitching about people who bitch about MTV is cliche.

As everybody knows, MTV for the most part sucks. I find it a great irony that they’re still DOING a Video Music Awards show when roughly 5% of their viewing day is regulated to playing videos. I think the five videos up for Video of the Year are the five they play. My personal favorite is this new show called Track 2, that looks at music videos, but have a running commentary from the band about how they made it. The idea is to take stale videos and make them fresh. The problem is, I haven’t even HEARD the song yet, and sometimes I actually WANT to.

The shocking thing about MTV though is when they get it right, they REALLY get it right.

Remote Control, Austin Stories, FM Nation (trash it all you want, there were some episodes that made me CRINGE in how accurate teenage life is and how much I used to be like some of those people), and the absolutely INGENIOUS Sifyl and Olly show. (And right now, if you’re reading this, and you got episodes, we need to do business.)

Added to the list is the True Life series, though the shows are a bit hit-and-miss now. “My Parents are Losers” or whatever the title was is an example of the show at its best. The father who’s obsessed with Star Wars and cries when his son takes part in the Star Wars FanCom event by dressing as a Stormtrooper, I dare you not to get a little emotional.

Back in 1999, True Life did their version of a wrestling documentary, kind of a preview of what was to be Tough Enough, except none of the testimonial crap. And what came out of it is one of the better MTV documentaries, much less better wrestling documentaries.

The program is split up into three sections. The Beginner, The Superstar, and the Has-Been.

The Beginners spotlights a 24 year-old guy named Matt Taglia

The Superstars looks at everybody’s favorite pain HHH and his then squeeze Chyna. (Yeah, you hate HHH now. What if Chyna was still around too?)

The Has-Been corner profiles Tony Atlas.
There’s your line-up, let’s go to the show.

We start by looking at HHH and Chyna, back when they were an item. And whew, how the mighty fell. HHH almost looks like a regular person as he talks about how he does it for the rush.

Next we look at Tony Atlas, whose wrestling career is at the twilight as he’s wrestling indy shows. Atlas watches an old MSG show which actually was a pretty historic one from 1981 as Atlas becomes the last man to cleanly pin Hulk Hogan for seven years. Atlas you can tell is both thrilled to watch it but sad to know that those days will never again happen to him.

And now comes Matt, a 24 year-old from the Chicago suburbs. Matt is a representative of the MTV generation, a guy who sees something on TV and just based on that, knows he can do it. Matt makes an awesome first impression as it’s moving day, and he can’t even get out of bed. His mother has to violently shake him for him to even get up.

Matt makes a second great impression by admitting he’s a college dropout, that he’s quit the police academy AND fire academy. But that wrestling is IN HIS BLOOD. He couldn’t imagine doing anything else with his life. He’s gonna be the best wrestler (as long as he doesn’t get hurt.) His three minute soliloquy is unintentionally funnier than anything that the WWE has written in the lat year.

Matt figures his ticket to the top is the “crazy eyes.” If he get that look right, he’ll be set.

Atlas trains because that’s all he has left. His money, fame, power is all gone. All he has left is his body.

HHH expounds on the shows while getting his hair done. He pals around with Jesse Ventura at the SummerSlam ‘99 press conference. HHH talks about how to be the World champ means you are the “man.” And he wants to be the man.

Which segues beautifully to Tony Atlas putting a single pork chop in a forty year-old oven. He talks about getting paid $1500 and blowing it all in two days. He guesstimates that he’s made a million dollars between 1975 and 1985 and he’s spent it all. And now he has nothing. From there we cut to Atlas wrestling in front of about 50 people at an arena show.

We get introduced to Les Thatcher, a guy who maybe comes off the best in this show. He seems like a really blunt, “Don’t F#@K with me and I won’t F#@K with you” kind of guy but in a totally nice way. Beautiful bit as Les says the three problems he has with his students: Nutrition, training properly, and promptness. We cut to three shots of Matt, one of him eating a bag of Funions, one of him smoking a cigarette, and one of him calling in late all JUST ON THE DRIVE THERE. Matt knows he’ll have to change his diet. “I’ll cut back on junk food. Maybe just have a candy bar……..or two.”

Off to break.

HHH and Chyna discuss how they are on the road 250 days a year, and as tough as that is, it’s even tougher when you have to stay in shape too. Chyna talks about how frustrating it is to be a woman wrestler because all guys do is look at her and that’s it, though she goes on to say that she hopes people find her to be beautiful.

Matt gets weighed and his fat content checked. He has 20.5 % body fat. He’s carrying around 40 lbs of it. Matt: “Is that bad?” Les: “That’s bad.”

Tough Enough time as Matt learns to fall.

Meanwhile Billy Gunn assures us the ring hurts like hell while we get beautiful sounds of Francois Petit cracking every bone in HHH’s upper body.

Matt gets his ass kicked all day and he finally limps back literally to his hotel room. He claims it’s been the best day of his life and he poses for the camera crew who you can audibly hear laughing at him.

HHH watches the rest of RAW from the locker room then drives through the crowd of people out of the arena.

(Soon after the cops come and arrest HHH for vehicular manslaughter. I’m kidding, I’m kidding.)

Back to break.

Atlas moans that he got too much too fast. Isn’t it always the way? He talks about how steroids messed him up. Then came other illegal drugs. And the drugs caused him to miss shows. And soon the promoters didn’t want to deal with him. But Atlas takes full responsibility.

Speaking of responsibility, Matt’s back to wrestling school. He seems to be getting worn out just doing the warm-ups.

A segment on My First Match:

Atlas: “I blew up in two minutes. And I thought I was in the best shape of my life. I had guys who lived on bologna and beer and farted all the time, and they were beating the HELL out of me!”

A GREAT anecdote from indy wrestler GQ Masters III about wrestling a deaf girl. Even better when he gets heckled by the other wrestlers for it.

Matt does an exercise where he has to fall and get pinned sixteen consecutive times. He’s about to collapse after eight, and he pretty much does at #16.

Atlas reminisces about his days in Joe Salvodi’s ICW. He was the World champ but he didn’t have enough money to get a place so he slept in the park. He talks about how he lived in a condemned house, and how he tried to kill himself. He then says that Vince McMahon saved his life by hiring him and bringing him back to the WWF in 1990 (The infamous Saba Simba gimmick). And while the gimmick had twinges of racism, Atlas was happy because the money helped get him back on his feet again. Atlas shows his razor blade scar, a horizontal one. I only bring that up because, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from TV and movies, it’s that vertical razor blade scars are from people who really want to die, horizontal ones are cries for help.

We get a montage of indy guys who dream of making to the at the time Big Two. Though you can tell in their voices that they know it will probably never happen. The words are coming out, but the feeling just isn’t there.

HHH and Chyna works out and HHH talks about how much he admires her. “I don’t look at her and think, wow, she’s stronger than me or she’s more powerful than me……which she isn’t.” But after the backhanded compliment, HHH throws some legitimate compliments her way. Chyna loves weights but hates the tediousness of the Stairmaster.

We move on to the focal point of the Tony Atlas story. His role as wrestler and booker of the EWA, a promotion prepping for a show at the Concord Boys Club. It turns out more guys have shown up to wrestle than were scheduled, and Atlas lets them wrestle anyway. The show’s got some pretty good indy talent as both Tom Brandi and King Kong Bundy are shown on the card.

Shark Boy tells a story about how his medical bills cost more than he makes as a wrestler.

Problems arise as Atlas has booked too many guys angering the promoter who now has to pay guys he hadn’t signed for the show. So while the crowd is pretty good, it all gets paid to the talent, and the promoter gets nothing. Needless to say, he isn’t too happy.

Neither is Matt, who is getting killed in wrestling school. “The thing getting hurt the worst is my ego. Because I suck.”

You know what else sucks? Commercial breaks. We’re off to one.

HHH and Chyna talk about how hard it is to lead a normal life, because people don’t separate the show from who they really are.

And meanwhile, Matt has gone MIA from wrestling school, attending one class in ten days. But hey, he’s banged seven women since class started, so “Who da MAN?” I swear to God that’s a direct quote.

Another one of life’s lessons: a person who feels the NEED to talk about how many women they’ve nailed means the number they give you is an exaggeration. Matt says he’s banged seven women, I say the number is closer to four. Which is still pretty impressive when you consider what a freakin’ dumbass he is.

Les Thatcher proceeds to rip Matt to shreds: “He’s undisciplined, unfocused, spoiled, has the work ethic of a dead man, and he seems to be here only to use this as a conversation piece to pick up women.”

Matt agrees. “Hey, I like to party. But I only party three days a week, maybe four. But for a guy that usually parties every day, that’s minimal.” God, I hate motherf#@kers like this. Of course, I say this, yet I actually have a friend who is JUST LIKE HIM.

HHH explains that to be a wrestler, you have to GIVE UP your life, because wrestling BECOMES your life. Then HHH gets lost going to the airport. Chyna worries that maybe she’s dedicated too much of her life, and that maybe years from now, she’ll be gone, looking back and thinking “Oh Shit, now what do I do?” Were truer words EVER spoken?

Les Thatcher then rips Matt a new asshole. Then he rips even further by showing Matt the drugs he found in his room. And we come to learn that Matt’s done a LOT of drugs. “Never heroin though.” Matt admits he likes to party, and while he’d still love to be a wrestler, “I’m not giving up the bar scene. No way.”

And five days later, Matt is placed in rehab. And off the documentary.

We’re headed into the final half hour of the 90 minute special, and suddenly one of the subjects is gone. What now? Well, MTV picks up a new talent, but we’ll get to him in a moment.

Tony Atlas gets a phone call at 6 am, and he knows it’s bad news because “nobody calls at 6 in the morning unless they have bad news.” It’s the promoter, who’s pissed about losing money on the last show, so he’s cancelling the next one.

Promoter James St. Jean explains that Tony wanted an extra $500 for the talent and himself. James said no, and also said to just forget the show period.

Tony consoles some of the guys who express their unhappiness, and James becomes the heel of the show as we cut to him grinning and saying “Sorry boys.” He seems rather amused, but explains that these kind of things happen a lot, and that they “should be used to this.”

And ladies and gentlemen, filling in for the drugged out Matt, is Steve Moss. Steve’s a fresh faced, Crash Holly lookin’ guy. Steve tells us how the gimmick proposed to him is that of a paperboy riding a bicycle. And he tells us in the nicest possible way that he F’n HATES it.

And we cut to Les pushing the paperboy gimmick on him. Les knows that Steve doesn’t like it, so he offers a compromise which is basically not a compromise, because it’s STILL the paperboy gimmick. So they discuss names. And out comes the name that’s graced a hundred arenas across the nation………Rory Fox.

And to be honest, it’s definitely an indy wrestler name, but it’s really not that bad.

Back to Atlas who breaks the news to the ring crew while they’ve halfway got the ring set up. Atlas gets an idea, and he decides to promote the show himself, and in a shining moment Atlas asks “Does anybody got a cellar phone?” And no, that’s not misspelled.

Another shining moment as Tony Atlas searches for “money that I’ve hidden from myself.” He gets excited for a brief moment but then he realizes “Oh shit, that’s a bill.” Atlas digs up $230 and tells us “That’s all I got.” Literally. He pays the ring crew and the show starts to get set up.

Meanwhile the actual promoter finds out what’s going on and he calls the athletic commission on Tony since Tony doesn’t have a promoter’s license, he isn’t allowed to run a show. Tony finds out and looks like he’s about to cry. He walks away from the production crew.

Rory Fox gets fitted for his wrestling gear. Sadly, Fox picks an outfit that would be better suited for 1982. Sharp eyed fans can catch a glimpse of an unmasked Shark Boy in this scene.

Tony tries desperately to get a promoter’s license, but those sort of things just aren’t done. So Tony tries to call other promoters. No luck. The state athletic commissioner comes and he and Tony talk off-camera. Though the camera gets a glimpse of Tony in the meeting, and he ain’t happy. The show gets cancelled.

Tony consoles a crying young fan, and I feel really bad for him. Not because the show got cancelled, but because that’s probably his moment in the sun right there.

And to make matters worse, the promoter calls AGAIN, and leaves a nastier message on his answering machine. We’re talking “Hyatt talking about Scott Keith” nasty. Atlas just gives up in frustration. “What else can happen to ol’ Tony Atlas tonight?”

Break. Afterwards, the exciting conclusion.

We prep for Rory Fox’s first match as he drives to the armory. He’s obviously nervous.

We finally catch back up with HHH who’s gearing for a Fully Loaded PPV strap match with The Rock.

And a broke Atlas hits rock bottom as he signs for a match that involves shootfighting. Though, I don’t think it’s ACTUALLY a shoot. But the shots ARE going to be legit.

All three prep for their matches. HHH does some warm-ups I copied and still use to this day. Atlas has some pretty decent names on the show with him. The lockerroom has Doink, Carl Oulette, and The Headhunters among others.

Rory gets to the lockerroom and he discusses strategy with his opponent, GQ Masters III. Rory gets pretty wound up, so GQ just tells him to relax. To the camera though he says “If he makes me look bad, I’ll beat the shit out of him.” Though he says it with a smile on his face.

HHH gets oiled up for his match, and he gets a kiss from Chyna for luck.

From this point on, it’s a montage of all three’s matches. I’ll just point out the highlights.

-Fox gets off to a bad start as he totally blows a high five two seconds after leaving the lockerroom. He then has trouble getting his jeans off. But things get better as he’s allowed the hot tag and he gets to destroy the heels for a while. But a lethal kick from Masters ends it and he’s pinned.

-Atlas gets HAMMERED by Master Sandy, manager of his opponent. The sound of her hand smacking Tony’s face is just wrong. And she keeps doing it. There’s about eight and nine just vicious punches to Atlas’s head, and you can tell he’s not acting.

-Meanwhile we get highlights of HHH getting killed in his match, but interference from Billy Gunn leads to a HHH pin. (And the start of the godawful Rock vs. Mr. Ass feud.)

The aftermath:

-Les applauds Rory’s efforts as do a few of the other guys. Rory’s face is just lit up.

-Master Sandy reveals she broke her hand on Atlas’ face. Atlas is still shaken by the match, even after it’s been over a while. Atlas lets us know that he’s going to keep letting her do it. And that it’s only the beginning.

Epilogue:

-Rory Fox continued his career, winning two of his first ten matches.

-Matt Taglia is let out of rehab for an interview. He opens up that he was alone, scared, and that drugs took the feelings away. Matt vows that he’ll try again to be a pro wrestle, and that he’ll be back. Apparently Tough Enough disagreed.

-Tony Atlas is thankful for what he was given. Because he knows most people will never be given the opportunties that he has. And while it was too little, too late, Tony was granted a promoter’s license.

-HHH tells everybody that if they have a dream, pursue it, because once they achieve it “it’s pretty damn sweet when you do.”

-We close as Chyna beats HHH for the #1 contender’s slot at SummerSlam. Remember, despite all the hatred you might have for HHH, always remember that HHH once jobbed to a woman wrestler who couldn’t even beat Joey Buttafuoco in a shoot.

End of show.

This is an absolutely awesome show. And it was done by people who KNEW what to focus on. Most likely the show would have been 80% HHH and bits and pieces of the other guys. But it’s the stories of Matt and Atlas that really drive the story. Hell, they are entire segments that don’t even have HHH in it.

Atlas shows that even if you aren’t a crackhead like Jake Roberts, life is STILL tough after the spotlight fades. It’s not easy getting in, it’s not easy after the fall. Can you really blame all the guys who cling to their spot? I don’t like it either, but I understand it.

I consider this documentary every bit the must-see the other wrestling movies are. Excellent stuff.

Highly recommended, thumb way up, A.

And next time, I think we’ll switch gears and actually look at some matches again.

-Sydney Brown