411’s WWE Smackdown Report 09.12.02

WWE Smackdown for September 12, 2002, from Minneapolis, Minnesota
Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com

Raw… Lesbians. Whatever.

I like what they’re doing with Bubba Ray Dudley against Triple H, and even enjoyed the HHH/Spike match. It seems that the Game is trying to get back to the cocky heel persona as opposed to the barbaric heel, which is cool.

Not that I’m saying anything nice about Triple H. I’m totally not. He’s still the worst thing ever, I’m still calling for his thinning-haired head on a plate.

Apparently the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation are now pleased with WWE’s handling of a homosexual character/characters with the depiction of the Billy/Chuck relationship. Apparently GLAAD was previously displeased with WWE over characters like Goldust. Which I really don’t get because Goldust isn’t gay so much as he’s kind of… what… I’m going nowhere with this joke. Nevermind.

Since I’m finally back on Thursdays where I belong… Ron Gamble is a stink… something. OH! SCORE! TAKE THAT GAMBLE! ONE TO NOTHING!!!!

I’m sorry. I’m really out of it right now. I have a Stager meeting to go to and then I have to come home and do the report. Hopefully I’ll be in a better mood then.

And now, on with the report….

Opens with an invitation to the Billy & Chuck festivities tonight, then goes to video of Taker/Lesnar interview from last week.,

The montage rolls, the pyro hits and Michael Cole welcomes us to Smackdown for September 12, 2002. Tonight we get the Billy and Chuck commitment ceremony and a Rey Mysterio/Kurt Angle re-match.

WWE Champion Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Hardcore Holly: Always good to have to freakin’ champion in the opening match against Hardcore Holly. Non-title, obviously. Cole bashes Heyman’s New York-ness. That’s nice.

They slug it out to start and Brock gets the overhead belly to belly to a front facelock, Holly makes the ropes. Hardcore runs into a knee and spears Lesnar out, follows him and they brawl outside, Lesnar getting the upper hand with stomps and another knee to the gut. Lesnar spears him into the post. Another belly-to-belly on the outside. Lesnar rolls Holly in and covers for two. Crowd chants for Lesnar, who went to college in Minnesota. Lesnar shoulder thrusts in the corner and clothesline/legsweep and Heyman lays in the smack talk. Stalling vertical suplex by Lesnar and he pounds away. Holly comes back briefly but gets kneed in the gut again. The Hulk-Killer bearhug gets grabbed for a bit and Lesnar turns it into a suplex for two. Shoulder thrusts in the corner, cross corner whip and Holly gets the boots up but misses a second rope dropkick. Rib breaker then Lesnar f***s up a powerbomb something fierce. Damn. That’s no good. Anyway… he goes for another powerbomb but Holly powers out and hits the Best Dropkick in the Business and the low blow on the ropes, then reverses a waistlock into a roll up for two, then comes off the ropes into the F5, and my little sister’s favorite wrestler gets pinned.

Winner, and STILL… wait, it was non-title: Brock Lesnar by pinfall (6:12)

Elsewhere, Undertaker and Pregnant Dark Haired Sara Taker walk.

Commercial break… The Boot of the Week is the hilarious bit with Eddie against the three baby faces last week

And we’re back.

Eddie Guerrero and Chavo Guerrero vs. John Cena and Edge: Apparently Edge and Eddie got into a legitimate altercation at a house show, but Tom and I have to stop talking about that because Michelle just started cracking every joint in her body for some reason.. Cena’s in purple and yellow ring gear this week and Tom points out that he seems to dress in local colors (purple and gold = Minnesota Vikings). It’s cleverness like that that pisses HHH off at people.

Eddie attacks Edge mid-turnbuckle pose. He didn’t even get his stupid coat off. What a heel. Edge reverses a headscissors to a faceplant. Faces clean house. John Cena suplexes Eddie in but Guerrero floats out and grabs an armbar. Chavo comes in, grabs a second armbar. Cena flips out of it, misses the double clothesline but Edge gets his own double clothesline. Ref tosses Edge and Eddie dumps Cena after Chavo pulls the top rope down. They double-team him on the outside. Back in, Chavo works Cena over, gets a short arm clothesline and tags Uncle Eddie. Eddie slugs away in the corner, then goes to another corner. Cross corner whip, Cena ducks a clothesline and hits a press slam, (a move that impresses me no matter who does it) then goes for another but Chavo clips him. Tag Edge, tag Chavo. Edge hits the Worst… Superkick… Ever! He gets crotched on the post by Eddie. Chavo covers for two. Tag to Eddie who beats on Edge. Suplex gets two. Ref calls Cena off allowing the Guerreros to cheat like mad. Arm-wringer to top rope head scissors by Eddie gets two. Slingshot knee to the back by Chavo after a tag and Edge comes back with punches but runs into a knee to the gut for two. Edge comes back with more punches and a faceplant. Tag to Eddie, tag to Cena, who’s a purple and yellow rookie of fire. Flying forearm to Chavo, swinging powerbomb to Eddie gets two broken by Chavo. Tope rope clothesline and corner spear to Chavo, Edge gets dumped by Eddie. Brainbuster by Chavo, frog splash by Eddie, and that’s it.

Winners: Eddie and Chavo Guerrero by pinfall (7:02)

After the match, Chavo drops his tights and Eddie goes to Stinkface Edge, but Edge fights back and puts Eddie’s face into Chavo’s ass and bails. Cena and Edge celebrate while Eddie flips out on Chavo.

Commercial beak… I really wanted to see Stealing Harvard until I found out Tom Green was in it

And we’re back.

Eddie is backstage yelling at Chavo in Spanish and English and Chavo insists “I wiped! I wiped!” Hilarious.

Does anyone know what the age difference between Chavo and Eddie is, out of curiosity?

Mark Lloyd knocks on Undertaker’s door and asks why he brought Sara to the arena, especially after what Heyman said. Taker says Sara has friends and family in Minneapolis and wanted to see them. Matt Hardy “Version One” walks up to congratulate Taker on Babytaker and talks about how he wants to have Matt Version Two, with all his Mattributes, but with Lita injured, it’s kind of tough. Matt wants to congratulate Sara but Taker tosses him across the hall. Hardy says that Taker needs a Mattitude adjustment.

Rico in a tux yells at someone on a cell phone and goes into Steph’s office to ask her to reconsider attending the commitment ceremony tonight. Steph says she has a bad history at weddings of any type and she doesn’t want to be a jinx. Rico is upset and tells Steph that everything’s already going wrong. No singers, no flowers, a bride and groom on the cake instead of two grooms, and now no witness if Steph doesn’t come. (You’re in a STADIUM FULL OF PEOPLE!!!!! And there’s a locker room full of people who know you!!!) Steph says she’d be honored to be a part and he hugs her.

They show the wedding invitation again.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Angle comes down and gets on the mic. He says that it’s appropriate to have his rematch with Mysterio in “Mini.” Because he’s short. Get it? Come on that’s funny people. Much funnier than Angle getting a StinkFace last week. But what isn’t funny is what he’s going to do to Rey Mysterio tonight. He says the crowd likes Rey because most of them would benefit from wearing a mask themselves. Angle then addresses Chris Benoit and the “You Suck” chants start. He says if Chris Benoit ever laughs at him again, there’ll be two holy unions tonight. Billy and Chuck… and Angle’s fist in Benoit’s face. Angle says Mysterio’s a boy in a man’s world and he’s a man who loves to play with boys. Then he realizes what he just said and covers by saying that Rey’s a boy and Kurt’s a man and tonight he’s gonna manhandle him! Wait, no that’s not it. Angle covers again and says that he’s gonna get on top of Mysterio. NO, WAIT!!!!!! He finally just calls Mysterio out. “Medal” hits and we go to commercial.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Kurt Angle vs. Rey Mysterio: They staredown to start, then circle and lock up to a suplex by Angle. Angle smirks and gets on his knees so he’s Mysterios’s size. Single leg takedown and Angle smacks Mysterios’s head a bit, then jumps around mocking him. Another lockup, Mysterio lands on his feet from a hip toss, hits a drop toehold and fireman’s carry. Angle shoves Mysterio down and Mysterio gets up and slaps him. Angle gives chase but Mysterio swings trough the ropes and Angle goes outside. Back in, headscissors and Mysterio floats out of a corner whip. Angle spears the post. Springboard moonsault gets two. Angle Slam reverse to an armdrag. Rollup gets two. Crazy high release German by Angle, and Angle stomps a mudhole. Rib breaker by Angle, a second gets two. Mysterio floats out a suplex, hits a wheel kick but gets belly-to belly suplexed for two. Bearhug/leg lace on the mat by Angle. Mysterio reverses to a roll up for two. Mysterio misses and enzuigiri and Angle hits two German suplexes, a third reversed to a bulldog. Angle charges in the corner, Mysterio gets the boots up and charges, Angle tosses him and he reverses to a diving moonsault that gets two. Corkscrew plancha to Angle on the outside. Springboard leg drop and bridging pin gets two, Angle grabs the ankle lock, Mysterio gets out, drop toehold to second rope, 619 but West Coast Pop misses. Standing headscissors gets two. Rey goes up top, pop up belly to belly… no, no… pop up top rope Angle Slam (holy shit… Angle’s so good…) gets the win.

Winner: Kurt Angle by pinfall (8:26)

A limo arrives for the wedding party. Hmmm…

Chris Benoit and Rikishi is coming up.

Commercial break

Chris Benoit vs. Rikishi: Slugfest to start, Rikishi dominates but Benoit comes back but can’t whip whim. Benoit gets out of a belly to belly with a headbutt. Sit out spinebuster and Benoit low blows Rikishi, unloads with chops for two and goes for the Crossface. Rikishi powers for out and gets a Samoan neckbreaker. Rikishi sets up the Banzai drop but Benoit electric chairs him down and goes for the Swandive headbutt, but here’s Angle to shove him down and draw the DQ.

Winner: Rikishi by disqualification (3:00)

Angle goes to Angle Slam Rikishi and gets hit with the Double Chin Music. Rikishi Backs That Ass Up on Benoit and hits the StinkFace, with Angle holding Benoit in position and laughing, then laughing his whole way up the ramp.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

The ring is being set up for the wedding.

Benoit is in Steph’s office demanding a match with Angle at Unforgiven. Matt Hardy comes in to talk to her and she shuts him up, then makes Angle/Benoit at Unforgiven. (Worth the price of ordering it right there. Seriously. Watch Wrestlemania 17 if you don’t believe me.) The Matt demands Undertaker tonight, so Steph makes the match.

The Billy/Chuck music and Rico comes out to criticize the singers’ dresses and the age of the Justice of the Peace and the whole way the ring/altar looks. He says he has a headache the size of Long Island.

Commercial break.

And we’re back.

Rico is thanking Stephanie for coming and announces that this is a groundbreaking moment for not only WWE but also network television. Singers at the top of the ramp start singing “It’s Raining Men.” Billy and Chuck in tuxedoes with red cummerbunds with their names on them in lie of the headbands come down, doing their ring entrance dance.

The Justice of the Peace starts talking about the commitment ceremony and says that Chuck and Billy have written their own vows. Chuck talks about meeting Billy and knowing he was a great tag team competitor and knowing his name was Mr. Ass. He says that he knows “Bill” has won the tag team gold on numerous occasions, but now he’s won Chuck’s heart. Billy on the mic. He says that the vows were corny, even for Chuck, but that’s what makes him so special and that’s why he’s happy to ask him to be his tag team partner… puts a ring on his finer… permanently. Rico presents a video that he compiled of the highlights of the union, called “Our Love Story.” The retrospective video airs and I remember how good these two were as heels before they went overboard with the gay stuff.

The video ends and Rico calls for applause and people do some booing. (So much for Minneapolis being a liberal town.) Rico calls for the ceremony to continue and the Justice of the Peace asks if anyone thinks it shouldn’t go down, they should speak now (crowd boos) or forever hold their peace.

The Godfather’s music hits and he makes his way to the ring with a bevy of nice young ladies. Rico’s all pissed. Godfather says that when he heard there w as party going on, he knew that Minneapolis, Minnesota was the next stop for the HOOOOOOOOOOOO Train. (And it’s instantly ’98 again, at least in Minnesota.) Godfather says he digs Rico’s fashion sense but he’s stopping the ceremony. Godfather asks Billy what happened, says he knows that Billy still has the pimp in him, and the ladies used to like him so much that he had to restrict their Billy privileges. And Chuck used to be one of the legendary skirt-chasers of all time, one of the bad-ass Palumbo brothers, though not too particular, because he used to like the heftier ladies of the stable. Godfather asks what in the hizell is going on in there.

Rico tells Godfather to hold on, and that he won’t take the interruption, and that nobody in the building wants to see him and his “good-time girls.” Rico tells him to removeth himself. Godfather says Rico doesn’t know what he’s missing when he misses a ride on the HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Train.

Rico says to skip to the end and the Justice of the Peace goes into the “til death do you part” stuff and Billy looks all weirded out but says “Yes” anyway. The Justice of the Peace asks Chuck the same thing. Chuck looks weirded out too. Rico urges him on and he says “Yes” as well. By the power vested in the Justice of the Peace, he pronounce them… Chuck stops the whole thing. He says it wasn’t supposed to happen this way, not go this far. Billy says it was just a stunt, they’re not gay, but they have nothing against gay people. If Billy was gay, he says, he probably would marry Chuck, but the Justice of the Peace ain’t pronouncing nothing. Rico flips out. The Justice of the Peace tries to smooth things over. He sys he’s been doing this for a long time, and there’s one thing he knows. That a commitment is a very special thing. The bond that Chuck and Billy have is sacred and that will never change. It doesn’t matter if it lasts fifty years, sixteen months or THREE MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The old man voice goes away and it’s Eric Bischoff!!! He pulls off the Mission Impossible-esque mask. Rico attacks Billy, Chuck attacks Rico and Bischoff grabs Steph. And HEEEEEEEEEEEERE’S Jamal and Rosie!! Billy gets Samoan dropped, Chuck gets splashed in the corner and gets Samoan dropped. They wreck the stage and Rico helps them along, then holds Steph for the Jamal top rope splash but the entire locker room charges the ring. John Cena and Rey Mysterio chase Jamal, Rosie, Bischoff and Rico through the crowd and the entire locker room, faces and heels alike, charges the ring to check on Stephanie.

Commercial break

And we’re back

We get a moments ago video.

Torrie Wilson vs. Nidia: Baseball slide by Torrie to start, Nidia clothesline gets two. Nidia talks some trash and throws her gum. Whip but Nidia telegraphs and gets scoop slammed. Nidia comes back with a jawbreaker and a knee to the gut, then a kick to the side. Torrie slings out of a cross corner whip but Nidia kicks her down. Torrie hits a swinging neckbreaker out of nowhere and pins her. I hate women’s matches.

Winner: Torrie Wilson by pinfall (1:30)

In the locker room, Undertaker tells Sara that he’ll be right back because Matt Hardy won’t take too long.

Elsewhere, Matt fetches Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman. Hurm?

Commercial break… The JVC Highlight thing is brought to you by JVC: Undertaker attacking Heyman last week.

And we’re back.

Matt Hardy (w/WWE Champion Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman) vs. the Undertaker: Matt Hardy has new, heel-ish entrance music. For lack of a real name I’m calling it “Live for the Moment.”

They stall and Heyman slides a chair to start. Ref tosses it. Lock up, Matt gets shoved to the corner. Undertaker unloads with elbows and boots, cross corner whip and tilt a whirl slam set up the Last Ride but Heyman distracts and gets sent to the back. Hardy low blows the Undertaker and hammers away, but gets whipped into a big boot. Lesnar distracts now and Hardy clotheslines Undertaker out. Lesnar works Taker over while Hardy distracts the ref. Matt hits some mounted punches. Hardy give the modified three finger Hardy salute and hits a clothesline in the corner. He signals for the Twist of Fate off a whip but gets clotheslined. Slugfest and Undertaker takes over. Clothesline in the corner and Snake Eyes, and we cut to the locker room, where Paul Heyman is accosting Sara. It appears on the Titan Tron and Undertaker runs out of the ring to the back. Undertaker runs through the backstage area and goes into the dressing room, grabs Heyman and gets hit with a chair by Lesnar, who intimidates the hell out of Sara in an incredibly creepy fashion.

Oh yeah, I guess, uh… Winner: Matt Hardy by count out (5:30)

End of show.

Good show. Billy and Chuck stuff was surprisingly well done and the main event, while odd, continued the somewhat cinematic feel of Smackdown of late.

Thanks for reading. See you next week.