The SmarK Retro Repost – Fall Brawl ’99

– Live from Winston-Salem, North Carolina

– Your hosts are Tony, Bobby and Mike.

– Opening match: Vampiro & ICP v. Eddy Guerrero, Rey Mysterio Jr. & Kidman. Rey Rey is blond blond tonight. Big stall job to start. The bald clown (Shaggy 2 Dumb?) gets pounded on a for couple of minutes, with the Animals making him look WAY more competent in there than he really is. The other clown (Virulent J) gets it next. When ICP are on offense, it’s terrible, because they have NO idea how to properly work a match. It’s like watching a couple of amateur backyard “wrestlers” imitate what they see on TV – it looks neat to show the videos to your friends, but I don’t wanna pay 30 bucks to see it on PPV. Vampiro comes in and gets the better of Kidman. The Eric Effect begins, as Tony calls moves properly and talks about the match. This trend would continue ALL NIGHT. Neat move from Rey as he hits a Lionsault and then somehow rolls on his heels and pops back up onto his feet again. Wild. Eddy comes in and plays Filthy Animal in Peril for a while, with Vampiro wisely keeping the clowns on the apron. When they’re in, they hit sloppy stuff to retain control. Finally, Kidman comes in during a brawl as Rey looked to injure his knee on the outside and finishes Vampiro with a Shooting Star Press, basically out of nowhere. Man, that match had NO flow. The Rey injury probably messed up the ending, but the ICP are not the guys you want in there when you need to improvise an intricate finish. **1/2

– Cruiserweight title: Lenny v. Kaz Hayashi. I’m guessing Kaz’ 15 minutes is about to be up. Kaz has shaved his beard down to an evil Japanese goatee, although he’s the de facto face here so I doubt it’ll come into play. It should be noted that Lenny and Lodi are now officially the West Hollywood Blondes The usual ambiguous offense from Lenny to get the crowd into things, but Kaz literally kicks Lenny’s butt to come back. He gets a nice tope con hilo, but makes a mistake coming back in and Lenny takes over. These guys are not clicking for some reason. Kaz hits another tope, but nothing really comes of it. And into the chinlock we go via Lenny. Kaz gets a quick two off a rollup, but Lenny comes back with a bulldog for two. Suplex reversal sequence ends with a two count for Kaz. Lenny goes to the top and gets hit with a running Ligerbomb, actually called as such by Tony. Rana gets two. Miscommunication between the Blondes leads to a rollup for two. Lodi then attacks Kaz, who gets rolled up for two. And a forward legsweep (ala Jeff Jarrett) is enough to finish it. Decent but don’t expect to ever see Kaz pushed again. **1/2

– Mean Gene interviews Sting. An interview on a PPV? Great. So glad I can’t steal PPV anymore and have to pay for it now. He’s gonna win, and Luger’s not his friend anymore. Which of course is the universal signal for a swerve, indicating that Hogan is getting turned on tonight, which is A-OKAY WITH A CHERRY ON TOP by me.

– No DQ: Shane Douglas & Dean Malenko v. Knobbs & Hugh Morrus. Dig that crowd reaction for the First Family! Shane forgets which state he’s in, calling the arena “Saginaw, Michigan” in between handfuls of jelly beans. Big brawl to start, and then we head into the ring for the usual pedestrian tag match from the First Family. Pier-six breaks out and Malenko goes for the kill, but Morrus comes back with the moonsault…and GETS THE PIN??? Who booked this crap? *1/2

– World TV Title match: Rick Steiner v. Saturn. Decent mat-based stuff to start, before a Greco-Roman shot to the nuts turns the tide for Steiner. He proceeds to do some of the laziest submission moves I’ve ever seen, including a devastating hold where he sits on Saturn’s back and bends his knee at a 45 degree angle, hardly even getting it off the mat. Wow, that’s totally enough to get a submission. If you REALLY want to torture him, why not tickle his feet, too? Saturn comes back but gets powerslammed for two. DVD gets two. He tries again, but Steiner runs him into the turnbuckle and sets up for the bulldog. They fight on the top, Saturn gets shoved off, and Steiner hits the neckbreaking bulldog for the PIN??? Again, WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP? They can’t possibly justify keeping the title on Steiner this long, given his total lack of heat. Oh wait, it’s WCW, of course they can. *

– Hogan interview. He won’t stab Sting in the back. Honest.

– And now to top off my night, Buff has apparently not arrived on time for the match, so we get an even more epic USA v. Germany match…

– Berlyn v. Hacksaw Duggan. I mean, REALLY, was this the best they could think of? Just poke my eyes out. Well, wherever there’s ill-thought out angles involving treacherous foreigners who want to promote free thought and bilingualism in America, there’s Duggan to put a stop to it. Duggan tosses Berlyn around for a bit, then that evil German comes back with a kick to the gut and a chinlock. Oh man, he’s actually gotten WORSE since coming back. They do the single ugliest wrestling sequence I’ve seen the Erik Watts era, and this match is starting to border on self-parody. More chinlockery, then Duggan gets jumped by the glistening, Bracchus-like bodyguard (and the announcers are ALREADY putting him over) and Berlyn hits a butt-ugly reverse neckbreaker for the pin. Goodbye, heat, after that atrocity. -**

– Buffy finally hits the ring, protesting that his plane was late. Duggan seems unimpressed, but nothing comes of it.

– World tag team title: The Windham Brothers v. Harlem Heat. Here’s the match: Heat control with some stuff, Rednecks come back with some stuff, cowbell gets used on the wrong person so the ref won’t count it, missile dropkick, and we have new champions. They took 10 minutes to do what I summarized in one sentence. Yee haw. Thank god they took the titles off the Windhams, but the whole title change was pretty pointless to begin with since the Windhams don’t have any more heat than when they started. *

– US title match: Oh, god, let’s get this over with. Sid tosses Benoit around and yells a lot. Benoit goes for the knee, however, taking him down to the mat. Sid ignores it and no-sells. They head outside the ring, where Benoit dropkicks the steps into Sid’s knee, twice. Sid ignores it and no-sells. Back in and Benoit hits a german suplex (with NO help from Sid) and it’s (say it with me) no-sold by Sid. Cobra clutch slam gets two, and to the chinlock we go, because the strain of carrying the match is just too much for Sid. Benoit comes back and hits the crossface out of nowhere, and Sid TAPS OUT trying to reach the ropes. He clearly and deliberately taps the mat three times, but the announcers ignore Sid’s screw-up and act like it wasn’t a tap-out. Benoit goes for the headbutt, misses, and Sid powerbombs him for the US title. Yeah, go to hell, all of you on the booking committee. I hope you and your fat, stupid asses are the next ones cleaned out by the front office purgings going on. Maybe you can get a job with the WWF cleaning toilets. Oh, and they contradict WCW Live from last week by saying that neither Benoit nor Malenko gets a title shot tomorrow. One more slap in the face to “prove” that the Revolution isn’t over so they don’t have to push them anymore and make the other fat fucks in WCW look bad. And no, not even Benoit can carry Sid to a good match if he WON’T SELL THE FUCKING KNEE INJURY. What a depressing match. The Revolution is dead. 1/2*

– DDP v. Goldberg. My will to fight to gone. Do your worst, WCW. No, wait, that’s like inviting death. I take that back. Funny bit to start here as the ref searches DDP and finds a chain AND a roll of quarters. Long feeling out process / stall session from DDP, which doesn’t bode well. They fight into the crowd for a bit, then a low blow and ANOTHER international object from DDP turns the tide. Page then goes into full Lawler mode, chinlocking Goldberg and hitting him with the object at opportune moments. Good lord, did I die and go to Memphis? Goldberg hulks up, and then the ghost of Dusty haunts us as the Triad runs in and Kanyon shatters something over Goldberg’s head, drawing blood hardway from the neck. Ouch. Hulk Goldberg then takes out the Triad, spear, jackhammer, good night nurse. As a helpful hint, go to your local video store and rent Halloween Havoc 98 instead, because the DDP-Goldberg match there is roughly 1000% better. 3/4*

– WCW World title match. LET THE RUN-INS BEGIN! Wow, the first one comes before the match even STARTS, as Bret Hart wishes both guys luck and then leaves. And so Hogan and Sting proceed to do the same match from Nitro, almost to the move. I mean, literally, it’s the same damn match. Outside the ring, there’s no table to get slammed on, so a cable is used instead. Back in the ring for a surfboard and abdominal stretch from Hulk “Gracie” Hogan. He goes into Hollywood mode, with the BACKRAKE OF DOOM and FOREHEAD BITING OF DAMNATION. Wow, I can feel the stars racking up as we speak. Sting comes with the same comeback from Nitro – two Stinger splashes, and a third that misses as Hulk hulks up. And then, JUST LIKE NITRO, someone runs in. In this case, it’s DDP, who takes out the ref as Hulk hits the big boot and legdrop. DDP Diamond cuts Hogan, and it gets a two count. So Page does it to the ref, and now the stupidity REALLY begins. Bret! Sid! Luger! I need a fucking scorecard to keep track of everyone running in at this point. Luger has a baseball bat with him, and after Hogan takes him down, Sting grabs the bat and WAFFLES HOGAN, to a huge pop I should add. It’s apparently a heel turn, but the crowd seems to be supporting Sting’s decision. Scorpion deathlock (and another ref comes in to count it) ends it, as Sting claims title #9. Call it *

The Bottom Line: Who booked this crap? Hey, let’s totally bury the Revolution! And turn our #2 face into a heel! And bring Jim Duggan back to PPV! And stick the three best workers we have in the opening match against a couple of clowns! Don’t forget to job the Japanese guy, Kaz-whatshisname, and put the heatless TV champ over the popular Saturn.

I think Pete Townsend summed it up better than I can…

We’ll be fighting in the streets

With our children at our feet

And the morals that they worship will be gone

And the men who spurred us on

Sit in judgement of all wrong

They decide and the shotgun sings the song

I’ll tip my hat to the new constitution

Take a bow for the new revolution

Smile and grin at the change all around

Pick up my guitar and play

Just like yesterday

Then I’ll get on my knees and pray

We don’t get fooled again

The change, it had to come

We knew it all along

We were liberated from the fold, that’s all

And the world looks just the same

And history ain’t changed

‘Cause the banners, they are flown in the next war

I’ll tip my hat to the new constitution

Take a bow for the new revolution

Smile and grin at the change all around

Pick up my guitar and play

Just like yesterday

Then I’ll get on my knees and pray

We don’t get fooled again

I’ll move myself and my family aside

If we happen to be left half alive

I’ll get all my papers and smile at the sky

Though I know that the hypnotized never lie

Do ya?

Yeah

There’s nothing in the streets

Looks any different to me

And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye

And the parting on the left

Is now parting on the right

And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I’ll tip my hat to the new constitution

Take a bow for the new revolution

Smile and grin at the change all around

Pick up my guitar and play

Just like yesterday

Then I’ll get on my knees and pray

We don’t get fooled again

Meet the new boss

Same as the old boss