wrestling / Video Reviews
The Feminine Complex: Rock Rose V Nancy
The Feminine Complex
Tape Review Number Three
Rock Rose v Nancy
Joan Wise Video – Mid 90s
(A videotape odyssey)
(With a little help from an anonymous pirate)
(That’s a pirate video maker)
(Not Captain Pugwash)
My name is Claire Flynn Boyle. Welcome to the Feminine Complex. It’s funny
how the summer fades, even though the season never changed.
First of all I would like to direct a big shout out to the Australian
public. Let’s set a scenario. You’ve got a reality TV show. It’s big. You’ve
got to vote someone off the show. Do you vote off a) a boring, slightly
pudgy virgin who does nothing? b) A psychopathic hysterical girl who cries
all the time? c) The one having sex and doing interesting things? If you
said c can you explain why? I don’t get it. Maybe the world is moving at too
fast a pace.
I’d also like to thank those of you who have written to me. I think my
e-mail is shagged up though so if you don’t get a reply, that’s why. In
answer to one question Mellow Yellow is a drink, similar to Solo (i.e.
Lemon) and not a drug. Certainly all the drugs from my local area are pretty
consistent in quality from the 80s. I think the same people sell them at the
same swing park. Should you ever be in town, I’ll give you a map. Just say
no kids. You’ll end up in a flannel shirt, prostrate on a kid’s roundabout,
telling passers by that Bardot splitting up was a terrible thing.
Regular readers (both of you) of the Feminine Complex would know this
columns constant struggle to avoid reviewing the obvious videotapes in the
wrestling canon. I mean is there a new way to review WrestleMania X? What do
you say? Bret v Owen and the ladder match rocked, the rest sucked?
REVELATIONS! I thought the match of the night was Blayze v Kai. So with that
in mind I went to my local video store, the one with Debbie Gibson LIVE!
next to Elvis in the music section. My local video store has the following
sections in order from left to right, backing on to a window…Computer Games,
Horror, Violent Horror (?), TV Classics, Anime, Animation, Children’s
Classics, Porn. Across from this is wrestling and sport. It’s a strange
video shop. A midget (not Tazz) works there and she stands right in front of
you when you try and look at the new releases. I’m sure she was in Freaks.
It also backs on to a karaoke bar (I swear this is all true) and at night
you can hear people belting out “Without You” by Girlfriend. They’ve also
been painting it for three years. The colours seem to change all the time,
from puce to beige to sky blue. I swear it’s like the Crayola fun factory in
there some days. It also sells several products of confectionary that no one
else does. It’s the last place in the whole state that I can get Cherry Coke
in.
So anyway I was hanging by the wrestling section with one hand on GRUNT the
Wrestling movie, and one hand on GLOW when my eye was drawn to a generic
electric blue video cover, one with a thick black border and the immortal
words WOMENS WRESTLING typed on in a sort of mid 90s kind of like the band
blur would use when they had the small letter in their name font. Best of
all the video box didn’t have a bar code so the midget had to kind of stick
one on. I think I was the very first person to ever get this video out. I
don’t know if anyone just put it there or what was going on. It was all very
strange. They couldn’t even work out how long I should take the video out
for. I love my local video shop.
I opened the video up the next day, after my trip to Optus Oval to see
Melbourne flog West Coast, and the joys continued. Someone had handwritten
the video sticker with an orange texta. The sticker simply said JOAN WISE
VIDEO: ROSE V NANCY. Well it did say that before the guy put a line through
that and wrote JOAN WISE VIDEO: ROCK ROSE V NANCY. Then in purple texta the
same guy had written wrestling in small letters. If you were the person who
went to all the trouble to put a pirate womens wrestling video in my local
video shop, I want to give you a hug. If you were the person who started a
pirate copy of a female wrestling video with your own home made anti piracy
warning and then let it find your way into my local video shop I want your
children. Yes folks someone went to the trouble of making an anti piracy
warning in a jagged golden font that was bright enough to make everyone
think some graffiti artists from the mid 80s had wandered in from the making
of a Malcolm McLaren video to do a bit of artistry.
There then follows a full two minutes, thirteen seconds of literally
nothing. Not nothing like a Shakira album, but nothing at all. Just black
fuzzy static. Then just as nothing ever seems likely to happen the pirates
remember to hit the record button and we cut to a suburban bedroom with bare
walls, a cane wicker Chinese symbol, nondescript sheets and still more
Chinese cane wicker symbols. It suddenly and jarringly occurs to me that
someone with a delicate sense of irony has put this video in the wrestling
section. Well they put Spiceworld in the comedy section so I guess it’s a
video shop with a well-developed sense of irony.
Let’s spell this tape out for everyone reading at home. Rose is an idiot
savant cousin of 70s B movie legend Chesty Morgan. For those of you who
don’t know the work of Chesty she starred in one or two movies in the 1970s
that basically involved her using her breasts to kill people. Rose is
similarly built. She’s basically a fat gal in underpants. Like Alicia
Silverstone. Nancy is one of those girls you call beautiful on the back of
the video box (presuming you don’t rent pirate videos) but she isn’t
remarkable by any means. I’m sure a glittering career of low budget movies
with Billy Zane awaited her, until she fell in with the nude video crowd. So
the two of them are sitting around in the suburban room with the kitsch
dйcor from the Jackie Chan collection when it becomes clear that Rose is
dating Nancy’s dad and a catfight is set to ensue! Nancy doesn’t want Rose
to date her dad and so a catfight is set to ensue! Now the really strange
thing about this tape is being a pirate video, there are times when the
soundtrack of immortal conversation (see below) drops out and the guy who
made the pirate had substituted his own chika-chika-wow-wow Shaft type of
overdubbed porn music. It’s fun to make your own soundtrack when this
happens. The Benny Hill theme perhaps, or Without You by Girlfriend.
So the match begins, and Rose is very quickly in control. It hasn’t taken me
long to figure out this is a squash wrestling/fetish video in which a fat
girl squashes a thin girl. I don’t get guys. Can anything be a fetish to you
people? The tape lurches from clear quality to sort of Channel 9 showing
football into Sydney quality (ie. Non-existent. God I hope at least one
Australian reads this column. Most of my jokes are lost on people). Now
remember that immortal dialogue I promised? Well most of the tape revolves
around no doubt one hundred percent realistic dialogue like this.
Rose: How do you like that bitch?
Nancy: Get off me you fat bitch!
Rose: Come on bitch, you know you love it!
Yep, that’s how I talk to people I’m fighting. Australian fights wouldn’t
last this long. Someone called Shazza would be saying some slag started it
and spitting. It’s actually superior dialogue to 90% of the Scorpion King.
So this video ploughs on at a pace. Rose gives Nancy a big old wedgie and
probably abuses her by calling her a bitch, at least I presume so because
the guy decides is time to put in some more Shaft-esque funky bits. Who’s
the sex machine who gives all the girls a wedgie? Rose? Damn right. Sorry,
Isaac Hayes, what a guy. There’s basically no rhyme or reason to this tape.
The poor editing quality reduces it to a whole bunch of random clips. So
this is from my notes (I made notes!) and I hope it helps should you ever be
in my video shop.
8:03 pm: Tape begins with aforementioned Lost Cities of Gold piracy warning.
Nothing happens. I place a dime on Debbie Gibson’s sound (obscure reference
to Electric Youth).
8:06 pm: Tape begins after fears that I had broken my video. Shots of Jackie
Chan or Mr Miyagi style dйcor. Bedroom setting established. Porn warning
afoot. I lose the dime I’ve placed on Debbie Gibson’s sound.
8:07 pm: First appearance of Chesty/Rose, Nancy and the chika-chika-wow-wow
porn overdub. First appearance of skateboarding next door neighbour. Dog
begins to bark really loudly. Rose and Nancy begin arguing about Rose dating
Nancy’s dad. Tape blacks out. Tape comes back on. Nancy is getting a wedgie.
First appearance of realistic girls really talk like that dialogue. Nancy
looks genuinely pained. First thoughts of actual concern for Nancy’s well
being.
8:11 pm: First actual wrestling move. A full nelson. Nancy again appears
genuinely pained. Rose seems genuinely scary. Both girls are topless.
8:13 pm: Both girls now have bras on again. In the background of the tape,
someone pushes a record button. You can hear the click. Rose is now sitting
on Nancy’s face. It’s the stinkface! Nancy again appears genuinely pained. I
don’t blame her. First thoughts of how the hell did Nancy get this job pass
through my brain.
Interviewer: So Nancy, you are beautiful.
Nancy: But of course!
Interviewer: Did you once work with Billy Zane?
Nancy: Yes, I was in the Phantom!
Interviewer: How would you feel about having a fat girl sit on your face and
give you a wedgie?
Nancy: Great! Sign me up!
8:14 pm: Pizza delivery boy decides I’m a pervert.
8:15 pm: Pizza delivery boy offers opinions on the tape. He asks where I got
it.
8:17 pm: PULP! PULP! Yes the pirate guy has decided to play some Pulp music
over the tape. Rose is now topless again and has Nancy smothered in her
cleavage, a move she learnt from Frank Gotch in the Sudan. Pizza delivery
boy leaves. Skating next-door neighbour runs in to a parked car and possibly
breaks his ankle.
8:22 Rose is now digging her nails in Nancy’s breasts. It looks painful. I’m
guessing no one wants to be a wrestling jobber on career day do they?
Realistic dialogue goes on a pace. The squeals are a little too realistic.
It’s like when Alicia Silverstone has to act Clueless. It’s just too
realistic.
8:26 First appearance of a spanking. Spanking violently cuts to a shot of
Nancy in a body scissors, then back to the spanking, then violent edit into
a hair pull. The tape is now actively disintegrating. It’s making really
strange chewing noises. My skateboarding next-door neighbour is still in
pain.
8:31 The tape self repairs itself for the final few minutes. Rose basically
makes Nancy cry and say she’ll leave the happy couple alone. Tape ends…no
wait…A CARTOON COMES ON! Yes folks like a hidden track on a video, we end a
wrestling tape with some weird Chuck Jones gear. It’s the only way it could
end really.
So what did I end up with? A strange video from an obscure wrestling company
in which a fat girl sat on a small girl and then a cartoon came on. I’m very
well aware it’s a pirate video and I’m sure that a proper version of the
tape exists, but this is almost Dali-esque in it’s surreal quality. One
minute it’s a respectable wrestling domination video, the next it’s lurching
around to some soul music while the tape dies. I know I’m taking tape review
to a ludicrous extreme by reviewing a highly individualistic singular
videotape but everyone should see this. As for ending with a cartoon, I
salute you sir. Someone has proved themselves in the fine art of weird film
making, so if you are the person who deposited this cut and paste
masterpiece, come forth and claim your glory. You livened up a very dull
evening.
Oh and my neighbour broke three bones in his ankle. And the pizza delivery
boy and I are very happy. He’s bringing round his 300-pound sister to
re-create the magic of this video we watched together.
Should that ever end up on a suburban video shelf, I’ll be sure to review it
just for you all.
Totally recommended, especially if you are drunk, stoned or just plain mental.