The SmarK RAW Rant – April 15 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – April 15, 2002

– Well, once again I escape for a week or so on vacation, so don’t take it personally if I don’t reply to your e-mails for the next few days. I’m still connected to the ‘net, but I just don’t necessarily feel like rushing to check and/or update my inbox every moment of the day this week.

– Live from Deepinthehearta, Texas.

– Your hosts are JR & The King

– Opening interview: Ric Flair comes out to apologize for hogging the TV time with such a stacked roster. Oh, that Ric, what a kidder. But he just HAS to address the actions of Steve Austin from last week. He has no desire to go to war. In fact, he loves Austin. Quite possibly has a picture of him by his bed, we don’t know for sure. Nope, no vendetta here. Austin is just a hell of a guy, all around, case closed. Oh, except for one LITTLE thing – he stunned Flair at the end of the show last week. Austin interrupts the lovefest and Flair gets in his face. Fines are levied. Five thousand whole dollars? Oh, man, that’s like 10 minutes work! Austin complains about this shocking development, taking the verbal long and winding road to find his point, and notes that Flair shouldn’t have been sticking his nose into his business in the first place. Undertaker comes out and he’s already disregarding that fine piece of advice by sticking his nose into Austin’s business. He’s ready. He’s still mean. No one is still quite sure what “Booger Red” means. 10 minutes of that later, Flair inserts himself into the match on Sunday as Special Referee. Hall & X-Pac stretch things out that much longer by hitting the ring, as Hall wants Austin TONIGHT. Flair’s not down with that, and tells Hall to “take the W out of n.W.o. for your answer”. Man, that’s more thinking than most of the fans are used to, I think. Bradshaw hits the ring, apparently upset at Flair leaving everyone hanging after that brainteaser, and a brawl erupts. Flair is IRATE and you just know there’s gonna be heck to pay. HECK I SAY!

– Meanwhile, Flair spazzes out on AA, and makes a handicap match with Austin & Bradshaw v. Undertaker & The nWo.

– Hardcore title: Bubba Ray Dudley v. Raven. Raven loads up the plunder, but gets slammed and canned. Bubba goes up and misses, and Raven clotheslines him for two. Various weapons get two. Dueling lids follow, but Bubba gets a neckbreaker. Slugfest is won by Bubba, and he gets funky in the middle of the triple elbow. Didn’t work for Paul Orndorff, but miracles might still happen. Bubba gets the tables, but Raven blocks it and DDTs him for the pin. That kinda looked screwed up. Tommy Dreamer hits the ring and pins Raven to win the title. Steven Richards hits the ring and pins Tommy to win the title. Bubba uses a guitar to regain it again. I have nothing to say about this that hasn’t been repeated a million times already. *

– Big Show v. Shawn Stasiak. I guess Shawn’s new money-making persona is “Deluded psycho who loses all the time”. They’ll make MILLIONS, I tell you. Show pounds him at will, but Stasiak goes for the leg. Show clotheslines him and finishes in short order with the chokeslam. For this I use the rallying cry of the workrate fan: At least it was short. DUD

– Meanwhile, Eddy Guerrero is upset because RVD stole his frog splash. Finally, a feud with some actual motivation behind it that’s believable, sort of.

– Meanwhile, Goldust and Booker T have a bonding session that doesn’t go too well.

– Meanwhile, Debra spills coffee on Undertaker in a segment that doesn’t actually end up going anywhere.

– Crash Holly v. Jackie. Crash attacks but gets dropkicked for the pin. Yup, that’s the whole match. DUD I guess this is one of those ones where the 5 people who care that Jackie is from Texas are supposed to be all “Dang, Jethro, that black chick beat the funny little white guy, and she’s from Texas! YEE HAW!” or something. At least when they suck up to Canadian crowds the matches are GOOD.

– RVD & Spike Dudley v. Eddy Guerrero & William Regal. Heel beatdown on RVD to start, but he fights them off and gets a spinkick on Regal. Spike comes in, but Eddy stomps him down. Spike with the atomic drop, but he gets caught with a tilt-a-whirl slam by Eddy. Regal gets two off it. German suplex right on Spike’s head follows, and he rolls outside, only to get creamed by Eddy. Remember kids: Don’t do drugs – CHEAT TO WIN~!, instead. Back in, Eddy gets an elbow and the heels do some damage. Regal knees him, but Spike headbutts him low and makes the hot tag to Rob. He cleans house and gets two from Rolling Thunder. Split-legged moonsault gets two. Bodypress gets two. Spike comes back in, but runs into Regal’s foot, and Eddy suplexes him for good measure. Rob gets tossed and Eddy finishes Spike with, what else, the frog splash. Rob tries for his own, but the heels retreat. This was good enough for government work. **1/2

– Meanwhile, Molly & Trish get into a morality debate, and it’s revealed that Molly is a virgin. Only in the WWF (or Howard Stern) would this make her a heel.

– Molly Holly v. Trish. Molly goes to the arm and they trade wristlocks. Molly bails, but Trish follows with a baseball slide. Back in, Trish hammers away, but Molly drops an elbow for two. Hairtoss, and a backbreaker get two. Trish “Call me Kawada” Stratus gets a high kick for two, but misses a second one. Molly gets the rollup, which is reversed for the pin. This was okay, but not actually as good as last week’s match. ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Paul Heyman tries to blackmail Lita into sexual favors by offering leniency for Matt Hardy when he faces BROCK~!, at Backlash. Man, and I thought the Hardyz as a team would have no chance against Lesnar – a singles match is SUICIDE for the poor guy. Anyway, Lita – the most virtuous babyface ever to sport multiple tattoos and have her underwear hanging out 24/7 – acts all shocked and refuses. Well, it’s Matt’s funeral.

– The Hardy Boyz v. Booker T & Goldust. Heels attack to start, and Goldust gets a butt-butt on Matt. Booker stomps him down, but Matt gets the hot (?) tag 0:30 in and Jeff cleans house. Poetry in Motion for both heels, but Heyman distracts Matt and Jeff gets flattened by Booker and pinned. Yawn. Ѕ* Matt & BROCK~! do some brawling, and Matt of course gets the worst of that by far.

– HHH comes out for an interview with JR. Yada yada Hogan, yada yada kick his ass, yada yada don’t care who I face next, I am the Game, blah blah blah, yours truly, some jerk. I think I’m falling asleep at my keyboard just remembering how BORING that segment was. But hey, it was JERICHO’s fault that the Wrestlemania match sucked, keep that in mind.

– Steve Austin & Bradshaw v. Undertaker, Scott Hall & X-Pac. Big brawl to start, and X-Pac gets tossed. Taker starts with Austin and gets a corner clothesline, but Austin comes back with the Thesz Press and FU Elbow. Stunner is blocked, and X-Pac comes in and gets beaten on. He gets his spinkick, however, but then walks into a spinebuster. Bradshaw tags in with a suplex for two. JR wins the Michael Cole “Mixed Metaphor of the Week” award for noting that Bradshaw “only knows one speed, and that’s straight ahead!” Hall comes in, but gets pounded. DDT gets two for Bradshaw. Man, I’m just counting the days until they meet at Backlash for the rights to the blockbuster slam. Hey, it worked for Eddy & RVD. Austin abuses Hall, but walks into said move and gets hammered by Taker on the floor. Back in, Austin slugs away on X-Pac, but gets clotheslined for two. It’s so funny watching the REAL main eventers have to sell for Sean’s pussy offense which is somehow supposed to be magnified because he’s been sticking needles in his ass recently. Hall & Austin clothesline each other for the double KO, and it’s hot tag Bradshaw. They’re just not gonna give up on this Bradshaw thing, are they? He cleans house and gets the Clothesline from Heck on UT, and a slam on X-Pac for two. Austin & UT brawl out, leaving Bradshaw & X-Pac, and once again X-Pac fulfills his purpose his life via the Clothesline from Heck. It was okay, but the offense was so pedestrian that I kept waiting for a walk signal. *1/2

The Bottom Line: Not an offensive show or anything, but just one that felt like it was 4 hours long with no real urgency to anything. But I was able to watch it without feeling like my IQ dropped 12 points afterwards, so hurray for small favors, etc etc.

See ya Thursday…