Tremendous Tirades 9.01.14: WWE Monday Night Raw

Introduction
As a reminder, this will not be another traditional recap, but instead it will be a mash up of the Rs, Instant Analysis and my usual Twitter ramblings I would do during the shows; completely uncensored and as the ideas flow unfiltered to the old keyboard. Remember, this is a review; and I am here to review the show. As always, I encourage discussion and even disagreement, just do so in a respectful manner. I will be doing the review for Raw and most PPVs and iPPVs going forward.

“FOR ONLY $9.99 MICHAEL!”

WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW 9.01.14

OFFICIAL RESULTS

Miz and Sandow defeated @ 11:20 via pin [***]

Layla, Naomi and Summer vs. Summer, Cameron and Rosa went to a no contest @ 1:30 [NR under three minutes long]

Show and Henry defeated Harper and Rowan @ 11:10 via DQ [*]

Jack Swagger defeated Curtis Axel @ 2:33 via submission [NR under three minutes long]

Adam Rose defeated Titus O’Neil @ 1:50 via pin [NR under three minutes long]

Rusev defeated Zack Ryder @ 0:50 via submission [NR under three minutes long]

Goldust defeated Jimmy Uso @ 2:10 via pin [NR under three minutes long]

Cena, Reigns and Jericho defeated Kane, Orton and Rollins @ 21:10 via pin [***¼]

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THE HIGHLIGHT REEL: JBL is already off to a great start, and by great start I mean he sucks. Instead of Orton, HHH, Kane, Rollins and Orton all came out in suits. They traded some unoriginal jokes and insults, and then Triple H started to speak about the Lesnar vs. Cena Summerslam match, and the possibility of changing Lesnar’s opponent at Night of Champions. Orton, Kane and Rollins stated why they should get the shot, and the crowd reacted big time to Rollins (they are in his home state). Jericho of course made his case, Cena came out, they continued with network plugs, and Cena says he’ll take Triple H to court of he tries to pull him from his rematch. Because that’s what valiant babyfaces do, and Triple H even made a joke about that. Blah, blah blah, best for business. Triple H doesn’t want Cena’s career to end, because that is not best for business. Rollins wanted the rematch to take place, because he is plan b, and Orton brings up that he never got his WM rematch. Chris Jericho, who was actually still in the ring, buried Orton for losing against Reigns. Jesus now Reigns is out. I really find it hard to care when almost every show starts exactly the same. Now Reigns wants a chance at the title. Rollins, Orton and Kane vs. Cena, Jericho and Reigns is now set for tonight, Triple H will be at ringside watching.

This was every fucking opening segment you’ve watched for the last 10+ years, my kingdom for something original. There was promise here, then they made jokes, then the shilled the network and then there were so many talking heads that I didn’t care anymore. The worst part was that last week they had to jump ahead in the Cena story and make him invincible. Now, realizing that they still had to build to the PPV, they are booking backwards, making his title match seem like it may not happen now. That was back-ass-wards booking right there.

Set for tonight, Show and Henry vs. Rowan and Harper, again.

Sheamus and Ziggler vs. Miz and Cesaro: I like the idea behind this match. Miz and Cesaro are the top contenders for the secondary titles; the secondary champions are faces, tag team match playa. It allows them to hype the matches without doing a ton of singles matches and getting too repetitive. Miz now has Sandow as part of an entourage, which also includes a makeup chick. I’m fine with that; if you’re going to go with the Hollywood douchebag gimmick, go all the way. Miz tried to “tag in his stunt double” and sent Sandow into the ring. This allowed for enough of a distraction for Miz to hit the skull-crushing finale to get the win. After the opening segment, which pretty much made me want to turn off the show, we had a fun match that actually served a purpose, which is appreciated.

Highlights of the Bella breaking up and dying in the womb. This led to a “growing up Bella” segment, where Nikki claimed that Brie stole her prom date.

Total Divas Showcase… ?: This was one of those deals where they try to work for 45-seonds, and then it broke down and we had a no contest. They did a “brawl” post match, and I use quotes because calling it a brawl may be an insult to brawls. This was short overall, but they did their best to fit a lot of bad in that short window of time. How about this, if you don’t feel that you have time (which is bullshit because this is a three hour show) move them to Main Event and actually give them some time. This was useless, it didn’t help anyone and wasn’t exactly a ringing endorsement for Total Divas.

SUPER HOSS TAG TEAM BATTLE (PART 23): I feel like I have been watching some version of this match for the last three weeks. Oh wait, I have been. It’s not that it has been bad, but it just feels like it is happening almost every show, that the matches mean nothing, and that everyone involved is secondary to Cena, Reigns and to a lesser degree, Bray Wyatt. After forgetting about it last week, they remembered that Rusev and Henry were starting a feud and sent Rusev out to watch the match. Big Show got a hot tag, no one really cared which was a shame. There was just a severe lack of caring from the crowd here, possibly due to the repetitious nature of things or the fact that as also mentioned, the matches seem to mean nothing. The match really ended up going too long, it felt really long in a bad way, the crowd didn’t care and decided that chanting “sexual chocolate” was more important to them. Not a good sign. And then, after what seemed like an eternity, Rusev kicks Henry in the face for the DQ finish. After a series of good encounters, this one shit the bed on several levels.

Nikki spoke about Brie’s selfishness. Brie failed her driver’s test, so Nikki had to drive her around. Later, Brie stole Nikki’s license and the car and totaled it. How on earth is this making Brie sympathetic at all when Nikki seems to be making good points?

Cena vs. Lesnar Hype: We got a video package on Lesnar vs. Cena which led to Paul Heyman appearing. Heyman was sporting a new coat of paint on his hair, spoke about Lesnar decimating Cena at Summerslam, and that at Night of Champion, WWE will milk the cash cow that is John Cena one last time. This was a solid job by Heyman, nothing close to what we’ve become used too, quite average actually. While this was solid and added to the build, it’s nothing I’ll remember once the show is over.

Swagger vs. Axel: Zeb is back with Swagger after taking time off to recover from Rusev’s kick and to run a black op into Iran. As they had their match, Dallas appeared and they had a talk show set up on the stage. Swagger won via submission, and this led to Dallas introducing Americans that Swagger failed. A farmer that lost it all betting on Swagger to win, a tailor that immigrated to the US and failed his citizenship test, and a woman that had a kid that loved Swagger, but now her kid wants to be like Vladimir Putin. This was apparently the next step in the Swagger vs. Dallas feud, but it fell flat in my opinion.

WWE has invited Michael Sam to appear next week on Raw, and they have promised him an open mic. That’s what we call desperation due to the Monday Night Football double header.

Adam Rose vs. Titus O’Neil: As we came back from commercial Rose was making his entrance. What’s the point of having him on the show if you’re not going to show the entire entrance? They had a match, it was short, the bunny beat up Heath Slater (which led to bad jokes from commentary) and Rose scored the win with a roll up. This was complete filler, they have no idea with to do with Rose. I await the bunny turning on Rose, the over/under is 27.5 days.

Nikki was back to discuss their graduation day. Nikki tried to tutor Brie, and Brie almost did not graduate. Nikki took Brie’s tests for her, because she’s the good sister and Brie is a bitch.

Rusev vs. OH MY GOD ZACK RYDER IS ON RAW: Lana spoke, buried America and praised Russia. Rusev looked well tanned from his recent trip to Hawaii. He then killed Ryder in short order. Mark Henry came out to get some revenge, but Rusev bailed because he and Lana have a hotel room to get too. I don’t blame the man. Henry asked if Rusev was scared, and then admitted that he was scared, scared of what he would do to Rusev. He then announced that he had opened the International wing for his Hall of Pain, and would make Rusev the first inductee. Man, Khali is going to be crushed. I liked this, it actually felt like it had a purpose, unlike a lot of this show.

Stephanie discussed a big announcement, which will happen next.

Stephanie’s Bella Related Announcement: Stephanie and Nikki played mutual admiration society, and Nikki was thankful to tell her story. The audience wasn’t reacting at all, and then we had some boring chants. Stephanie wants Nikki to be the face of the Divas division, and gave her a title match. This led to Brie coming out (thankfully Stephanie made it a point to strip her of the music so they won’t use the same shit anymore) and she wanted to know why Nikki would tell lies and destroy their family. Nikki admitted that this was all about her, and actually cut a good promo, and then AJ lee came out. Jesus it’s the female version of the show’s opening promo. Does this company not know how to build a match any other way? Seriously, we’re doing the same goddamn thing, just changing the gender of the performers and authority figure. The lack of creativity from a company that employs over 20 “creative team members” and numerous legends of the business astounds me. Nikki laid into Brie, wanted her to quit, she fired up and knocked Brie into Paige. This led to AJ skipping around with the title. The crowd came alive a bit at the end, and Nikki actually did some good work, but they haven’t really done enough to make me care. The one positive is that they have taken the one ladies feud that they invested a lot of time in, and have now pulled in AJ, Paige and the title.

Bray Wyatt faces Chris Jericho next week in a steel cage match. Wyatt cut a very short promo, which actually was focused and on the match next week.

Jimmy Uso vs. Goldust: Jey Uso selling the knee during the pre-match Siva Tau was greatly appreciated. On Smackdown, Jimmy defeated Stardust via roll up. Goldust and Stardust then beat down the champions. Goldust did the same pre-match apology as he did on Smackdown, but the Usos didn’t fall for it and attacked. Stardust helps Goldust at one point, and then took out Jey, which led to Goldust scoring the victory. Short, but good work overall with Goldust and Stardust continuing to assault the knee of Jey. This time they wrapped the knee around the post, and Stardust hit a homerun with the chair. Simple and effective here to build to a tag match that should give us heel champions, and the faces a built in excuse (and sympathy) to work with when they lose. I like it.

Show reminds Henry about their deal to be the most dominate tag team in WWE history, but Henry needs to take care of Rusev first. He has to do it alone, for himself and his country.

Triple H and Stephanie come to ringside to observe the man event.

Rollins, Orton and Kane vs. Cena, Jericho and Reigns: We have a lot of time left in the show, along with a lot of talent and WWE’s tendency to have really good six man tag team matches. This has potential. I love including Reigns here, because he does thrive in the trios format. Overall good action that broke down into the usual finisher/big move buffet, which the crowd loves. They got to go through two commercial breaks, with the overall story being that Cena was left out of the action while Triple h was out there to see who deserved to face Lesnar. Cena ran wild, about killed Rollins with a German suplex, hit the AA on Kane and tagged in Reigns who finished off Kane with the spear. Post match Cena talked trash to Triple H, and then hit the AA on Rollins onto the announce table to send the message that he was ready for the title match.

Orton vs. Reigns is announced for next week along with Jericho vs. Wyatt in a steel cage.

Paige vs. Brie Bella is set for Smackdown this week.

End scene.

Thanks for reading.

The Tirade
Put a stamp on it and mail it in, that was tonight’s Labor Day edition of Raw. I liked the opening tag, as well as the continuation of the Usos vs. Goldust and Stardust feud. They got on back with Rusev vs. Henry, but it feels as if they are covering for skipping last week and or simply starting the feud too early. The main event was also a good match, it got a lot of time, and overall added to the build of Cena vs. Lesnar, a potential Orton vs. Jericho match as well as a possible Cena vs. Rollins feud.

Unfortunately a lot of the show was filler, not good and or forgettable, which is a shame. It was a long three hours and I felt every bit of it, but honestly it was pretty much what I expected from a holiday show. Hopefully they come out swinging next week, Monday Night Football will be a reality and they will need to deliver to combat that.

Show Rating: 5.5

As a reminder, I will be going by the 411 scale…

0 – 0.9: Torture
1 – 1.9: Extremely Horrendous
2 – 2.9: Very Bad
3 – 3.9: Bad
4 – 4.9: Poor
5 – 5.9: Not So Good
6 – 6.9: Average
7 – 7.9: Good
8 – 8.9:Very Good
9 – 9.9: Amazing
10: Virtually Perfect

The final rating is not simply an average of the rated segments above. The rating takes them into account as well as the segments that are small but not scored, the flow of the show, the overall booking, build to PPV, crowd reactions, and so on and so forth.

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Larry Csonka is a Pisces and enjoys rolling at jiu jitsu class with Hotty McBrownbelt, cooking, long walks on the beach, Slingo and the occasional trip to Jack in the Box. He is married to a soulless ginger and has two beautiful daughters who are thankfully not soulless gingers; and is legally allowed to marry people in 35 states. He has been a wrestling fan since 1982 and has been writing for 411 since May 24th, 2004; contributing over 3,000 columns, TV reports and video reviews to the site.

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