411’s AAA/CMLL Report For 7.26.05

Hello friends and foes and welcome to another edition of Lucha Libre on 411. After last week’s dismal performance (mainly due to the fact I had no new Lucha to review) we bring you another fresh solid 2 hours of Lucha Libre! It looks to be a exciting show, some come join me for all the wackiness that is LUCHA!

I want to thank everyone who sent me emails the last two weeks, as I got some good feedback on my little Matt Hardy parody. You see I also did a bit of a parody this past week with the Hebner brothers in my Saturday Sentinel column. I’m doing a lot here at 411, and it gets better every week. I’ve decided to cut the commercials out of my Lucha recaps. For two major reasons. When I first started doing the Lucha Libre it was entertaining to poke fun at the insane Mexican commercials. Still over time I’ve realized I’m just recapping the commercials normal. The other reason being I’m a lazy bastard, and it’ll save me time on this recap. Huzzah!

7.26.05

The announcers welcome us to another CMLL show, while the lucha skanks dance. Nothing to complain about there.

Zumbido, Satanico, and Safari versus Nitro, Arkangel, and Veneno

Not a lot of talent in the ring for this one, so lets see how it pans out. Nitro is in the ring with Safari, as they do a lot of stalling before finally locking up. Standing switch sees Safari get a nice hammerlock which he wrenches with full authority! Nitro does a crucifix drop to get out of that, and applies a arm bar but Safari monkey flips him. They continue with arm bars and headlocks, until Nitro gets a small package, but Safari gets his feet into the ropes before a count can happen. Zumbido is tagged in, but somehow Santanico and Arkangel. They dot he feeling out process complete with Santanico trying a Fujiawa armbar, but Arkangel gets out. Veneno gets into the ring and wants a piece of anyone who will take some. Outside the ring Santanico goes to work on Arkangel and then gets into the ring and attacks Veneno. Turn about is fair play and Veneno gets a series of cross corner elbows, but Santanico stops that flurry. Zumbido comes in but the rudos double team him. Safari runs in long enough to knock one out and pescado onto him. In all the commotion Zumbido hits a rana for the 3 count. Santanico is still mad at Veneno and wants to teach the punk a lesson in respect, but the referees finally break it up.

Winner of Fall #1: Zumbido, Satanico, and Safari

The tecnicos get the first win, but the rudos are quick to regroup. There is a quick brawl, and Zumbido hits another rana on Arkangel and then springs to the second rope and hits a twisting rana. Santanico tries to beat on Veneno some more, but he’s had enough and begins Pelican punching him in the top of the head. Veneno bites the head of Satanico. In the meantime Safari gets thrown down and locked into a submission and gives up. Nitro makes him tap.

Winners of Fall #2: Nitro, Arkangel, and Veneno

That second fall was very quick. The rudos continue their momentum and beat on the tecnicos all over the ring. Santanico is laid out on the outside, while Zumbido comes back into the ring to try his hand at Veneno and Arkangel. Nitro comes in and they 3 on 1 Zumbido for a bit until he hits a springboard dropkick on Nitro and then planchas outside onto Veneno. Santanico comes in for a few chops and Safari does a foreward roll that pins Nitro for the three count. They argue rudos versus tecnicos as the faces are declared the winners.

Winners: Zumbido, Satanico, and Safari

After the match the two sides continue to try and brawl as referees separate them. We also get replays of the high spots and pin.

Verdict: Decent action but this was a very short match. The 3 falls system is exposed in a match like this because its hard to believe 3 guys could beat 3 other guys in 8 minutes or so. TWICE.

We get clips of the lucha skanks shaking their various wares.

Mistico, Negro Casas, and Black Warrior versus Ultimo Guerrero, Rey Bucanero, and Averno

The rudos attack during the tecnicos entrances. The tecnicos have some hot lucha skanks with them though, so I guess its worth the beatdown. Black Warrior’s girl is the absolute hottest. Anyway bang a gong cause we are on. Ultimo Guerrero does a awesome spinning press slam that sends Mistico into the ring. Ultimo begins ripping on Mistico’s mask. They do the mask ripping spot WAY too much in CMLL. Its effective at times, but every other match is overkill. Anyway Mistico is your face in various states of peril. Black Warrior does a better job of defending against the 3 on 1 attack, but eventually falls victim to the numbers. Somehow the rudos get DQed, I guess for excessive violence or something. Actually I think it was throwing someone over the ropes, which works for 1980’s NWA, not 2005 CMLL.

Winners of Fall #1: Mistico, Negro Casas, and Black Warrior

I never understand these matches where you know the rudos are going to lose, and they kick ass so much in the first fall that they cost themselves a fall. The rudos also do a ring-around-the-rosey dance, which I think is pretty gay for a group of badguys. The second fall starts with a little more 3 on 1 for Black Warrior. Negro Casas gets a little too. What is this guy? Is he Mexican or Japanese? Is he a Mexican who fights like a Jap, or is he a Jap who fights in Mexico? Mistico nearly gets crotched but Negor and Black Warrior bail him out. Mistico jumps up full of vigor and unloads on Ultimo and begins ripping his mask. See how you like that! Ultimo misses a high knee in the corner, and falls out of the ring. Mistico runs leaps to the top rope and does a Taka-like chest dive onto Ultimo. In the ring Black Warrior and Negro are unloading on their opponents, but somehow Averno rolls up Casas and gets the 3. Way to drop the ball Negro Casas. Your team was just getting going.

Winners of Fall #2: Ultimo Guerrero, Rey Bucanero, and Averno

You see the rudos should have won the first fall, but they lost via DQ. The tecnicos should have won the second fall, but lost on a quick pin. Smell the genius in the booking there? No? Don’t you smell it? I can smell. I clearly smell something. You still don’t smell it? Well it smells. That is to say, it stinks. Anyway we’re tied 1 to 1, and while I promised not to recap the commercials I will mention that they ran a Dukes of Hazzard commercial. Part of me wants to see that movie cause I loved the Dukes in my youth. I also find Jessica Simpson very hot, and I think Johnny Knoxville and that other guy funny. The problem is, I have a strong feeling the movie is going to suck. So I’m torn. Anyway its final fall time, and both teams have their proverbial game faces on. Black Warrior and Averno go at it, keeping it slow but poignant. CHOP! WHOO! CHOP! WHOOO! Warrior ducks a leapfrog and then catches Averno with a facebuster. Sunset flip off the Irish whip gets Warrior a 2 count, and Averno tags out to Rey Bucanero. Rey manages to get beat up and spin kicked off the apron. Bucanero hasn’t done much this match. Then again neither has Negro Casas, well other then lose the second fall. Negro and Averno get in the ring now and unload with intensity on each other. Negro does his Jap kicks and attacks while Averno does chops. Negro wins that battle going all Bruce Lee style and then charges with the most wicked dropkick I’ve ever seen in my life to the face of Averno. Averno promptly dies and his limp body falls out of the ring. This leaves room for Mistico and Ultimo Guerrero to go at it. They battle with chops and then Mistico dropkicks the knee. This leads to Ultimo trying to dump him over the rope but somehow Mistico ranas him off the apron. Back in the ring Rey Bucanero is unloading on Blac Warrior. Rey misses a face first baseball slide to Warrior, and Black Warrior comes flying out with a suicide dive onto them. Ultimo gets in the ring and taunts the tecnicos and Mistico comes in and hits the Code Red, but only gets 2. They bounce around each other and then Mistico charges in at Ultimo, but gets low blowed and that’ll DQ the rudos. Well that was ultimately pointless.

Winners: Mistico, Negro Casas, and Black Warrior

After the match Ultimo is all mugging for the camera and then grabs a mic and has some choice words for Mistico. No idea as to what he said since I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH! Still I assume he called him a bitch. Why do I assume that? Well it’s what I’d do.

Verdict: Ever seen a really good match that ends on a shitty finish? Imagine that X 3. Seriously this could have been a good intense match. Instead we got 3, count them 3, shitty finishes. 2 of which were DQs. This was at the end of a day a match that left a nasty taste in my mouth. Smell it? That’s shitty booking!

We get some more lucha skanks, and they tell us that the Grandpa Squad is up next. Oh Joy, as if the show could get any worse. CMLL also runs their move recaps, which I refuse to recap. But it explains what a plancha is, and crap like that. As well as clips from classic matches or something. It’s dumb.

Universo 2000, Mascara Ano 2000, and Cien Caras versus Pierroth, Vampiro, and Black Tiger

In case you’ve been living under a box, or have never read my Lucha report before I refer to Universo 2000, Mascara Ano 2000, and Cien Caras as the Grandpa Squad because these guys are so old they call Terry Funk “That new guy”. Anyway they have some swank bitches in leather to accompany them to the ring, so I guess they got that going for them. Gob bless Viagra eh Cien Caras? One of these girls sways as she walks, as if she just CAN’T! Its sexy as hell. I bet she sways like that everywhere she goes. Pierroth, Vampiro and Black Tiger jump the rudos…well I guess they are rudos. Anyway the Grandpa Squad gets jumped and Pierroth hits a suplex. See and I thought Pierroth couldn’t so ANY moves. Black Tiger oddly enough is “Raising the roof” during the brawl. That seems like a odd taunt for him. Vampiro beats on Mascarana Ano and then hits a brainbuster on Universo, and that’ll put the old man out for 3.

Winners of Fall #1: Pierroth, Vampiro, and Black Tiger

The fans were excited by that I suppose. I swear Pierroth has been feuding with the Grandpa Squad since before Moses had a beard. Somewhere during the last fall Black Tiger hit a beautiful moonsault. We see it on the replay, but not live. Which sucks. We get a extended view of the second round ring card girl, but she isn’t really worth looking at. Vampiro has managed to bust Universo open. In the ring Cien Caras gets double teamed by Black Tiger and Pierroth. Punching, kicking, stalling and choking. Vampiro does take the time to pound on the head of a bloody Universo 2000, which is a nice visual but doesn’t make the match any better. La Nazi (Pierroth’s man bitch) tries to interfere but gets sink kicked by accident. I think that knocked her balls off. The Grandpa Squad makes their epic comeback, and kick and punch. Somehow they get a weight belt into the ring and begin whipping Pierroth with that. JESUS H. CHRIST! FOR ONCE, JUST ONCE CAN PIERROTH BE IN A MATCH WITHOUT BEING WHIPPED WITH A BELT?!?!! You know how Ric Flair takes a back drop every other move now? Well Pierroth has degenerated to the point where he can only be whipped with a belt. That’s his spot, that’s his bump. Nothing more, nothing less. Universo who is bleeding liked a stuck pig, fights with Vampiro on the entrance ramp and finally gets the better of it, clonking Vampiro in the face with the belt. Pierroth gets triple teamed in the ring. Vampiro comes in and attacks, but loses the 3 on 1 and ends up eating a triple team powerbomb for the 3 count.

Winners of Fall #2: Universo 2000, Mascara Ano 2000, and Cien Caras

The third fall starts with Universo getting a big wooden box and hitting Vampiro with it. La Nazi conveys her emotion and concern by looking like a man. Vampiro comes back and hits a sloooooow clothesline. How are these guys winded? They’ve done nothing! Black Tiger and Mascara Ano try to speed things up with lots a bouncing off the ropes, hoping to fool us into thinking this is wrestling. Of course I am smarted then that, and know they are simply bouncing off the ropes. A backdrop happens in there somewhere, and their brawl goes outside. Pierroth and Cien come in and do stuff that could be considered “brawling” on the Island of wuss. Vampiro back in, and Universo pounds on him. He charges for a clothesline, but falls. That’s right, he just slipped and fell in the middle of the ring. Excellent. Black Tiger goes for a moonsault and misses, and the rudos pin him and Pierroth.

Winners: Universo 2000, Mascara Ano 2000, and Cien Caras

After the match the fans go nuts and the brawl continues. If you could consider that mess a brawl.

Verdict: If you like boring, slow and uneventful brawls then this match is for you! Seriously, the Grandpa Squad suck so bad. They win every match they are in, and they don’t do anything but plod around the ring. Pierroth is garbage, and Black Tiger and Vampiro are wasted jobbing to these guys. Please get off my TV!

Its just about main event time. The main event line up looks pretty good. Better then John Cena wrestling, I’ll tell you that much. Since I got a few minutes….I just want to give a shout out to my brother who I totally thrashed in Starcraft last night. Take that! Hahaha! Anyway, on with the main event.

Shocker, Dr. Wagner Jr., and Dos Caras Jr. versus Hector Garza, Tarzan Boy and El Terrible

There is no reason why this shouldn’t rule. Shocker comes down with a hottie, Kemonito and he’s wearing that weird latex facepaint again from 2 weeks ago. Shocker should really wear that in TNA. That makeup is cool looking, and makes Shocker look 10 times cooler. Wagner’s girl is alright, but Dos Caras gets a even hotter girl. Still Shocker had the hottest skank of them all. The rudos are next, and Hector Garza has a belt but no skank. I’d think Garza could get a lot of ladies though, I mean he’s not a bad looking guy. Maybe its cause he’s evvvvvvil. I’ve missed Garza on TV by the way, TNA should really look into getting Hector back. Tarzan boy has a girl with him, so there goes the theory of having to be nice for a lady friend to accompany you. Terrible is still wearing Edge’s coat and pants, but he’s still got Brody’s hair. Did I mention the girl Shocker brought to the ring with him is hot? I did? Well let me say it again…She’s SMOOOKING!

With the entrances out of the way, let’s do it, to it! Terrible and Wagner start off. Wagner with some huge forearms and then a running shoulderblock. Reverse knife edge chops in the corner. WHOO! WHOOO! WHOOOO! WHOOOOO! Terrible gets free and hits the ropes but gets dropkicked in the knee, and then another dropkick to the back of the head. Garza gets the tag in, and Wagner tags out to Shocker. ITS THE BATTLE OF THE TNA LUCHADORS! Garza versus Shocker. Shocker gets elbowed out of the ring and then Hector dropkicks Kenmonito off the apron onto Shocker. Kenmonito has had enough, and takes off his cape. He wants Garza! Hector mocks him, and pretends to throw punches at him. Kenmonito is too little laughs Garza. Kenmonito jumps up and slaps Hector. Garza stand up and boots Kenmonito down. Shocker back in and he pummels Hector for beating up a midget. Dos Caras gets tagged in and does a go behind on Hector and surprises him with a German Suplex. …1 ..2 ..3!

Winners of Fall #1: Shocker, Dr. Wagner Jr., and Dos Caras Jr.

The rudos can’t believe it, as Shocker pounds on Terrible on the entrance ramp. Hector Garza is down in the ring holding his neck as if he’s really hurt. He appears to be okay though and Terrible enters the ring. Back elbow takes Wagner down, and Terrible kicks him. Terrible going to work on Wagner now. Wagner regains control and Terrible tags out. 2 on 1 to Wagner, and the Doctor is in trouble. Now all three rudos beat on him, but Shocker comes in to turn the tide. Shocker big boots Terrible down and he tags out to Tarzan Boy. Shocker tags out to Dos Caras, and he unloads on Tarzan. Then Garza. Tarzan Boy standing in the corner, Dos Caras does a shining wizard to him. All three rudos pile on him and begin kicking and stomping. Shocker tries to get in to help but they knock him off the apron. DOUBLE TEAM SUPERPLEX! Terrible gets a splash from the top rope and that will earn him a 3.

Winners of Fall #2: Hector Garza, Tarzan Boy and El Terrible

We’re tied 1 to 1 as the third fall kicks off. Hector Garza is beating up Kenmonito on the entrance ramp. Then he beats on Shocker too! Shocker is hurting and can’t believe Garza would beat up a little midget. In the ring Dos Caras is tied to the tree of woe and gets pummeled. Terrible tries to attack him, and Caras skins the cat up out of the tree of woe. The tecnicos make their comeback as Dr. Wagner destroys Terrible and gets a sitout powerbomb for 2. On the outside Dos Caras irish whips Hector into the steel post, then flying forearms him. Dos Caras slams Hector Garza on the entrance ramp. They brawl back into the ring and Garza gets in some chops, ducks under a leapfrog and nails a lariat. Look at Garza go! Hector beats on Caras, but misses a Stinger Splash. Caras puts Garza up top, then runs and does a flying top rope enziguri that sends Hector out of the ring. Before Hector even get to his feet, DOS CARAS WITH A TOP ROPE SUICIDE DIVE! Caras nearly killed himself on that one, but he connected. In the ring Terrible charges in but Shocker rolls him up. Tarzan Boy misses a splash, and Dr. Wagner hits a Michinoku driver. That’s worth 3 and the win.

Winners: Shocker, Dr. Wagner Jr., and Dos Caras Jr.

Then in the most surreal moment EVER since watching Lucha Libre….and trust me I have had plenty…out runs…..Mr.Incredible for Disney’s Incredibles. That’s right, some guy in a complete Mr.Incredible costume runs out and down the ramp. He gives a thumbs up, poses and then runs back to the back, leaving the tecnicos and me baffled.

Verdict: A excellent fast paced, high impact match. This is the kind of trios match I look for in CMLL. It delivered on all fronts and made a excellent main event. Dr. Wagner should do some US work, and I’d like to see Garza come back to TNA soon. A great main event, but I honestly have no idea what the Incredibles had to do with it. That my friends, is why Lucha Libre is so bizarre. You honestly never know what to expect.

That’s our show.

Final Thoughts: A decent show, but ultimately disappointing. The ring work was solid, but the booking was off. The main event was the best match, as it should be, but the rest of the card dragged along. Too much of the wrong and not enough of the right. Still if you get a chance to see the main event, you should check it out. If for no other reason then to see Mr.Incredible make a run in. I’m off to the airship, see you in 7 days and don’t forget to read the Sentinel this SATURDAY!