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411’s Instant Analysis: TNA Impact 10.14.10

October 14, 2010 | Posted by Sat

MWABONWA BASSE NOOSE~!!
Welcome kids to a little fun we’re going to have here at 411. The Instant Analysis column is the companion piece to 411 Live Pay-Per-View Coverage and features immediate reaction to wrestling pay-per-views. The focus in Instant Analysis is on first thoughts and initial reactions instead of play-by-play, with the goal of providing you with instant access to writers’ thoughts on the show. We have decided to give these a try for some of the TV shows, so let’s see how things work out…

SEGMENT ONE: THEY have arrived!

The cold open revealed that Dixie Carter didn’t sign papers to have Abyss fired last week. Quelle surprise. But, what did she sign? WHAT DID SHE SIGN?

Hulk Hogan was so cool the way he played guitar on his crutches and acted arrogant. I’m sure the irony of the situation wasn’t lost on Terry: it used to be world belts he played guitar on, now it’s crutches. The opening segment was pretty much what you’d expect: Bischoff and Hogan gloating and, in the process, bragging about how brilliant this whole angle has been. “No one saw it coming.” Um, ‘no one,’ Eric? Because it’s not like ‘THEY’ were rumored to be Hogan and Bischoff all along… Abyss said nothing of consequence, but Jeff Jarrett’s role in this little group of ‘Immortals’ (is that their name officially?) makes sense. Surprisingly. Fortune being involved doesn’t as much, though the EV2.0 invitation gives it some credibility in-story. But, that puts this group at, what, twelve members right off the bat? It’s almost refreshing to see them skip the drawn out stage of adding every heel in the company to the nuWo over the course of a few weeks. Also, doesn’t putting Fortune in this group not look as good given that the two Fortune-centric matches from Bound for Glory had those guys losing? I was curious about Jeff Hardy’s explanation for turning heel and it was predictably lame. “Wah wah, the crowd only loves me when I do dangerous things, but I’m sick of that now and never get anywhere because of backstage politics…” I do buy Hardy as a heel, though; but, that’s because I’ve always found him smarmy and douchey… Instead of selling this new status quo, this opening segment was a whole lot of hot air and back-patting for an angle that was shit on immediately for being obvious and lame. Nothing here changed that except, by adding Fortune to the group, it already looks like they’ve lost their way.

Rating: 3.0 out of 10

SEGMENT TWO: Sting and Kevin Nash explain why this is a stupid angle and leave

Invited out to join Immortal, both Kevin Nash and Sting refused, claiming they’re both older and wiser and know this isn’t the way. Man, when Nash and Sting are the voices of reason, saying that money doesn’t matter and it’s about putting over the young guys, something has gone crazy. The Pope’s reaction backstage had that same twinge of reality where he seemed primed for a big role in the upcoming angle until Nash and Sting left, leaving him as the odd man out. I was very amused by Dixie Carter’s crazed pleas that Nash and Sting stay, while they simply responded “We tried to warn you.” There was some dark comedy to this segment that won me over a little. Maybe it’s a panicked Dixie Carter watching as it all goes wrong. That’s legitimately entertaining.

Rating: 4.0 out of 10

SEGMENT THREE: Did Hogan and Bischoff intentionally try to screw Dixie Carter?

Forget what I just said. Dixie, Hogan, and Bischoff were all awful here. Overly melodramatic, but boring at the same time. Neither side presents an image worth cheering for. Over 40 minutes in and the closest thing to wrestling to this point was Serge getting knocked down. The 0.5 rating is because they kicked Dixie out and I support that.

Rating: 0.5 out of 10

SEGMENT FOUR: TNA Knockouts Championship Match – Tara (C) vs. Madison Rayne
Match Result: Madison Rayne pinned Tara to become the NEW TNA Knockouts Champion
Match Length: About ten seconds

The first match of the night occurred after Madison Rayne called out Tara for betraying her and demanded Tara lie down and give her the Knockouts Title in a match. And Tara ‘did the right thing,’ delivering the belt to Rayne. That was genuinely surprising as I don’t think anyone expected Tara to actually do it. Mickie James coming out made sense and set up the feud with Madison Rayne they strongly teased last week. The title change was a little awkward and I would have liked to see James actually wrestle, but this was solid enough.

Rating: 4.0 out of 10

SEGMENT FIVE: Jarrett screwed Angle

An hour in and there had only been ten seconds of ‘wrestling,’ so the logical segment was Kurt Angle announcing his retirement from wrestling (thematically, it works). Before doing so, he wanted an explanation for why he was a victim of Immortal and the explanation was pretty damn good. Driven by jealousy, Jeff Jarrett ‘sold his soul’ to take Angle’s career after he’d already taken everything else. This was surprisingly strong work and is all of a sudden the best part of the whole Immortal angle. I loved the sarcastic, bitter tone Jarrett used, especially with the ‘ex-husband’ remark and he was genuinely vicious in his attack on Angle. Even Taz getting involved when he’s sat idly by numerous times before makes sense given his history of neck problems and that he’d relate to Angle in a way he doesn’t to others. It took an hour, but a very strong and compelling segment finally arrived. I can’t remember the last time I actually cared about a Jeff Jarrett story, but I’m on board with this one.

Rating: 8.0 out of 10

SEGMENT SIX: Abyss vs. Samoa Joe / RVD wants Jeff Hardy
Match Result: Samoa Joe won via disqualification
Match Length: Around two minutes

Prior to the match, Samoa Joe’s beef with Jarrett was raised and, given Jarrett’s jealousy of Angle, I can see Jarrett possibly associating Joe and Angle. Could this lead to a Joe/Angle alliance not based on money? That would be interesting.

Joe came out pissed off and took the fight to Abyss immediately, hitting move after move until Abyss goozled and chokeslammed him. The match quickly went downhill with Abyss trying to use a chair and finally connecting with the ringbell to Joe’s head. The first attempt at an actual match and it barely lasts two minutes, and acts only as an excuse for Rob Van Dam to come out? Whatever.

Instead of Hardy in person, Hardy’s little video for RVD was… strange. Hardy going for a flat monotone is better than his over-emphasizing the final word of his statements, but it had a weird ‘trying to talk with a British accent but not really’ vibe that made it funny. As well, “The New Anti-Christ of Professional Wrestling” is a pretty awful nickname. But, the promise of RVD/Mr. Anderson to determine the number one contender means an actual match, right? Right?

Rating: 3.0 out of 10

SEGMENT SEVEN: Miss Tessmacher screwed everyone / The Pope vs. Fortune
Match Result: Fortune won after Kazarian pinned the Pope
Match Length: Around four minutes

We came back with Eric Bischoff and Miss Tessmacher looking very chummy, but everything isn’t what it appears with Easy E pissed off that Tessmacher is easy, too, and nearly cost him everything. So, she can either stay in TNA by wrestling or not at all… huh. That led to a short confrontation between Bischoff and Mr. Anderson that wasn’t too bad.

And, then, the Pope in a handicap match against… Fortune? To even things out and make Fortune not entirely dominant, they decided to make it a proper handicap match with only one member of Fortune in at a time. So, the Pope got to beat up on Fortune one member at a time until Matt Morgan and Ric Flair cheated on the outside. BECAUSE FORTUNE ARE HEELS AND CAN’T WIN UNLESS THERE’S CHEATING INVOLVED IN A MATCH THAT’S ALREADY STACKED IN THEIR FAVOR! My god, it’s like TNA wants to make Immortal look strong, except its members can’t seem to do anything in the ring unless there’s cheating on top of crooked booking. I think it’s okay to have the bad guys go over ‘clean’ when it’s a five-on-one handicap match. Godawful.

Rating: 1.0 out of 10

SEGMENT EIGHT: The Shore meets JWoWW

We’d seen her throughout the night, but JWoWW was in the Impact Zone! At the same time Jersey Shore was on! As was noted here on 411mania: “[JWoWW] Tweeted that everyone who watches Impact for her should switch to Jersey Shore at 10.” So, anyone who’s actually a fan of JWoWW was told that they shouldn’t watch Impact when her main segment was aired. That’s a good way to capitalize on that show’s audience with a member of its cast, TNA. Well done. About as well done as this segment where the Shore decided to mock the cast of Jersey Shore, prompting JWoWW to come out with the Beautiful People, smack around Cookie, and leave me wondering what the goddamn point was.

Rating: 0.0 out of 10

SEGMENT NINE: Mr. Anderson vs. Rob Van Dam
Match Result: Hell if I know
Match Length: About three minutes on Impact

With six minutes left in the show, Anderson’s music hit and I turned to my girlfriend and said, “Hey, how much do you want to bet that they continue into ReAction again?” Anderson ignoring the mic to show he was pissed off was effective. But, then, RVD came out and they went to commercial. The entire match taking place on ReAction looked like a safe bet.

Back at 11:00, the match began with Anderson and RVD trading shots. RVD gained the upper hand after a bit of back-and-forth, but, after a few minutes of overrun, Impact went to ReAction and I was done. Hey, it’s called Impact Instant Analysis… last week, I made an exception, but when you start your main event when the show is supposed to end, that’s crap. And fits this episode’s approach to wrestling completely.

Rating: 3.0 out of 10 (one for each minute on Impact)

FINAL THOUGHTS

Segment of the Night: Jarrett screwed Angle

Trash Segment of the Night: The Shore meets JWoWW

Final Analysis: Wow, I can’t believe it, but, somehow, TNA managed to make last week’s live Impact look great by comparison. A grand total of nine minutes of wrestling spread out over two hours and three minutes. That’s got to be a new lack-of-wrestling record for Total Non-Stop Action. Maybe. It wouldn’t be so bad if the non-wrestling segments were strong, but they weren’t (aside from Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett’s segment). Immortal arrived and did nothing except look ineffectual and kind of pathetic. Fortune continued to look like a bunch of jobbers instead of six of the most talented guys on the roster. And, TNA hit a new low by actually beginning the main event at 11:00. It doesn’t count as a main event when the show is over. After the reaction to Bound for Glory, TNA really needed to hit a home run with this episode of Impact and reassure fans that they know what they’re doing. They didn’t.

Verdict: 0.8

411 RATINGS SCALE:
0 – 0.9: Torture
1 – 1.9: Extremely Horrendous
2 – 2.9: Very Bad
3 – 3.9: Bad
4 – 4.9: Poor
5 – 5.9: Not So Good
6 – 6.9: Average
7 – 7.9: Good
8 – 8.9: Very Good
9 – 9.9: Amazing
10: Virtually Perfect