411’s WWE Confidential Report 03.20.04

WWE CONFIDENTIAL REPORT

03.20.04

Taped from Stamford, CT

Host: Mean Gene Okerland

On tap for ‘Confidential’:

– Hall of Fame Class of ‘04
– News on the Rundown DVD
– WrestleMania XX in Review

Last weekend ‘Confidential’ brought you the excitement of WrestleMania XX….but it was way too much to fit into 1 simple hour! That’s why tonight we get more of the amazing weekend that was….

Feature #1: Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony, 2004 A.D.

Triple H calls Superstar Billy Graham the “first Sports Entertainer,” and says he was 20 full years ahead of his time. Reminiscing on the honour of becoming a Hall of Famer is Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. Pete Rose says his thanks to Vince, and says that he’s just delighted and humbled to be amongst the many wrestling icons who joined him onstage. Well, that was thoughtful of him. Either that, or he’s still politicking with Bud Selig. Pat Patterson once heard a rumour that Sgt. Slaughter was born weighing 12 pounds. I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere, but damned if I can find it. Ric Flair makes the comment that “One day, I’ll be old enough to be inducted.” Just don’t hang’em up too soon, Ric. We all rue the day that we won’t be able to turn on the tube and see you any more. Bobby the Brain leaves the crowd in stitches, and might I say that azure blue tux is PIMP TIGHT. Jesse comes to the stage and does his usual shtick, including announcing his candidacy for President of the U.S. in ’08?? Anyhow, “it doesn’t get a whole hell of a lot better than this” – Harley Race.

Elsewhere, Jericho thinks our own Mean Gene should be inducted into the Hall!!

Up Next: Evolution at the Race Track

WWE Rewind: Bobby & Gene have a rather unfortunate affair backstage at WrestleMania

Commercials:

-Twix will make you, like, 276 friends in a matter of minutes
-Hair starting to recede? Trying to still look like a young buck, when you should really be retired to stud? Scalp starting to get sunburned beyond recognition? Just wanting to get a fresh start on the whole ageing process? Then fret no more! Simply dial these eleven little numbers to talk to a Medical Hair Restoration representative near you, and all your problems will vanish! 1 [phone]. Trust me, your burnt scalp will thank you. And this concludes your weekly 411 Mania WWE Confidential Report Public Service Announcement. As always, thank you.

Feature #2: Brunch, Bagels, and Biceps

The Superstars of WWE put on a brunch the weekend of WrestleMania. Among the invitees were a Make-a-Wish family whose child really wanted to meet some WWE Superstars. Being able to make a child’s dream causes Rhyno to “smile inside.” Who knew he was such a softie? Well, maybe he isn’t, as he starts talking some smack to Rob Van Dam. And that my friends, quite mysteriously, ends this segment.

Feature #3: True Horse-Men

Like WWE couldn’t make it possibly any more obvious who they want Evolution to emulate. Our favourite four stylin’ & profilin’ boys take to the horse track, and are betting in the THOUSANDS of dollars. Batista intimates they lost quite a bit of cash – Orton confirms as such. But it’s okay, as a cadre of fans surround our premiere Third Generation Superstar and begin chanting “R…K…O….R!! K!! O!!” After a night of losing money and hard drinking, Orton’s left with one simple query: “Hey…where’s the girls at?!?”

Up Next: The true Dead Man

Commercials:

-‘This Just In’ – Because you can’t get enough political satire, especially on cable television
-They’re still showing Lesnar ads? Get that man off my telly!
-Yeah, I’m not British, but a man can dream can’t he?
-“There are things that go bump in the night – and we are the ones who bump back!”
-I just felt like throwing that in there

Welcome back to ‘Confidential’ – brought to you by Hellboy, PS2, and of course, the favourite energy drink of you and me, *but Campbell – we all love Red Bull!* — hush you! — Stacker 2’s YJ Stinger.

Feature #4: Classic Match with Christian: The Undertaker vs. Psycho Sid, March 23, 1997, WrestleMania XIII, WWF Title Match

Vince, J.R., Ventura, and Lawler in the booth. Undertaker starts by pounding on Sid in the Northwest corner – hard right, a knee, headbutt, another right, the ominous stare at the ref….Irish whip (reversed)…Sid charges and eats boot. Undertaker comes right back at him with a choke toss to the Southeast corner, and he begins to wail on him with rights and lefts — not unlike the punches seen from him today. Hard knee followed by a Stinger splash, and UT finishes the flurry with a scoop slam. Meandering cover gets two, as Undertaker goes OLD SCHOOL on Sid’s left shoulder blade. That, and we cut to…..Sid sitting atop the Northeast turnbuckle; Taker comes in and gets the simple toss off the top, and goes up high himself! The Dead Man flies….HUGE lariat!! Both men are out….Taker crawls over…gets his right arm sprayed across Sid’s chest….1….2….2.62!!! The Phenom can’t believe it, so he s..l..o..w..l..y.. cuts his throat, signifying that this thing IS OVER. Here he goes for the Tombstone….we could have a new champion…BUT WAIT! Sid reverses mid-move and sets Taker in position for the Tombstone himself! Brilliant! Can he get it??? YES!! And just to spite all UT fans everywhere (one fan in the third row shoots him a defiant bird), Sid does the Graveyard Pin. The 3 here is academic, so let’s all applaud our champion Psycho Sid for a successful defense at the biggest stage of them all, Wrestl…..WHAT?!? Undertaker kicks out!!! Only the Undead can successfully use this maneuver as a finisher!! Sid is BEWILDERED as we cut to…..Psycho setting up for the powerbomb. The crowd rises to its collective feet and…..it’s BRET! Bret is here!! Sid takes to the offensive on him with a devastating right – but Hart hits the stun gun! Sid stumbles right into the Tombstone!! One…..Two……THREE!!!!! New World Champion!! The WWF Title takes its rightful place atop the Dark Mantle of Below!!! “And all the Creatures of the Night, who have stood behind this man, week after week, month after month, indeed year after year, have now been gratified.”

Up Next: RAW vs. SD!

Commercials:

-Whatever you’re doing this Monday evening…..DROP IT! Draft Lottery live on RAW!! Priorities, man, Priorities!!!
-I can’t believe I didn’t get any flames this week from what my friends had to say about ‘Drakengard.’ Where are all this game’s fans?
-Notice to Nike: 9.675 ain’t that good of a vault score

Feature #5: THQ Superstar Challenge

16 Superstars take the Challenge, which is essentially a ‘SmackDown! 5: Here Comes the Pain’ tournament. Torrie and Trish were among the early exits from the tourney, but for more embarrassing was to be Bubba Ray, who called a backdrop a “German Suplex,” en route to losing to John Cena. Cena, however, was no match for one half of the World’s Greatest Tag Team, Shelton Benjamin, who successfully defended last year’s Challenge Title.

Gene thinks he can dominate next year’s tournament.

Up Next: Finally….the Rock has come back to – ‘Confi…’ Oh yeah, that’s right; he never left. He’s always on this show.

Commercials:

-Scooby Doo returns to the movies. Man, this looks like one HUGE acid trip
-And a bad trip at that
-“Everything you’ve ever wanted in a MotoCross game, and a bunch of stuff you’d have never thought to ask for”
-Dude, I’ve never wanted anything in a MotoCross game

Feature #6: Random Fans

The WWE crew interviews a few foreigners who made the trip to the States to attend ‘Mania. They all talk about what a thrill it is to be in America, how great the wrestlers are, and how awesome it is to be going to WrestleMania. The WWE wrestlers return the favour, by lauding the fans’ loyalty and dedication.

Feature #7: Rundown on DVD

Exclusive features include behind the scenes stuff, including Rock getting a monkey to the face! No, you pervs, not that kind of monkey…..geesh. Rosario Dawson does a little dance, and you can tell the Rock is wishing he weren’t married. Okay, that was wrong, and I take it back. So why don’t I really take it back, and push that sleek little “backspace” button? Whatever — questions, questions. Anyhow, Rock BS’s some more, Stiffler gives a monologue, and….HOLY CRAP THE ROCK FINALLY ADMITS IT……”The footage sucks.”

Up Next: ‘Mania on the Airwaves!

Commercials:

-I hate it when they get to the last commercial break and refuse to show any more good ads
-I guess I’ll just sing to bide my time….La la la…..Laaa lee laaaaaa
-OH HEY, here’s something worth mentioning….
-….UNC lost!!! Yeah, that’s right, the Tar Heels are ELIMINATED!!!! Whoo-Hoo!!!! Take that Chapel Hill! You guys suck!!! Duke’s awesome!!!
-Yeah, we’re so losing to either Illinois or the ‘Nati in the next round

World Wrestling Entertainment proudly presents “WWE Backlash,” produced by the RAW Brand, live Sunday April 18 from The Rexall Place in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. “Backlash” is sponsored by ‘Drakengard’ for the Playstation 2. ‘Drakengard’ – for the Mature.

Feature #8: Media coverage of WM XX

I believe this is a new record for number of features in a ‘Conf’ episode. Many and myriad local New York media entities cover the festivities, with Triple H commenting on how awesome it is to have NY fawn all over everything you do. My heroes, Fox News, regrettably call the new World Champion “David Benoit.” How sad. Also on Fox News were Victoria & Kurt; Booker showed up on ‘Cold Pizza,’ and Show made it to ‘Conan.’ Both Victoria and Big Show showed off their respective belts (WWE Women’s Title, WWE U.S. Title) to the hosts – the difference between the Fox News fellow and Conan O’Brien is that whereas the Fox anchor gingerly holds the strap, Conan proudly wears it about his torso while standing atop his desk laughing maniacally.

Feature #9: Superstars invade MTV2

Let’s just shatter the record while we’re at it, shall we! This is called the “Headbangers’ Ball” — whatever that means. Christian, the Dudz, Matt Hardy Version 1.0, Jericho, Lita, and Stacy are featured on the show, which has each Superstar pick 2 videos to air on MTV2. Y2J laments how he is so much funnier than everyone else. That’s alright, but then Bubba makes fun of the host off-stage. Classy Man. Real classy.

Gene reminds us to tune into RAW this Monday night. If you don’t, then how will you ever know which show your favourite Superstar will end up on? You’ll be mired in a sad and sorry state of flux, with no centrality or unity to govern your life! Don’t do this to yourself!