411’s WWE Confidential Report 04.12.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, OH COME DOWN, PLEASE COME DOWN TO WHERE I’VE GOT MYSELF DUG IN
Due to less-unpopular-than-usual demand, the commercial recaps return. Until I get bored and need another week off. You’ve been warned. This week’s heading is taken from my new favorite album of the year, “Summer Of The Shark” by Portastatic. Last week’s heading was from Josh Rouse’s “Home”. Credit where credit’s due, eh?

SEGMENT #1: SABLE
Now we know the sound of every internet wrestling geek’s jaw hitting the floor. It sounds a lot like Michael Cole screaming “Sable!” Yep, Rena Mero has returned to the WWE, so we get this interview/fluff piece conducted at some nameless Diva shoot. Despite launching (and dropping) a $1,000,000 lawsuit, Sable is looking forward to a second chance in the WWE. She’s most interested in regaining the confidence of the other talent. That, and zipping up her luggage. Those people are animals! Sable feels a “renewed energy” being back, and she thinks she has plenty left to offer the WWE. It’s funny, I was just thinking that the WWE needed more skanky women past their prime who can’t wrestle or even look happy. Thank you, Jesus.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Ou est la bibliotheque? Ha! Who says high school French was worthless? Everyone’s favorite French-Canadian evil ref, Sylvain, and everyone’s favorite American Ohio Valley guy who was on Confidential awhile back, Rene, are coming to the WWE. They declare America “weak and oppressive”. Great, another stereotypical foreign bad guy team. Alright, I need to know. Calling all foreign readers! Are there any American wrestler stereotypes at your local wrestling Indy fed? And don’t say “Steve Austin” or “Scott Steiner”. That’s too obvious. I handle all the obvious jokes, okay? If you have a national wrestling federation (not an American traveling one, like WWE or WWA) near you, and it has an American evil stereotype wrestler, let me know.
-WWE Heat has all your favorite wrestlers, like… Christ, how should I know? I only watch Heat when it’s before a PPV.
-Tobacco is Whacko. IF you’re a teen. Otherwise, I guess it isn’t whacko. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
-Gatorade, for that deep down body sports endorsement.
-Snickers is the best way to watch Confidential if you’re working on a third ass cheek, tubby.
-Local: Comcast still hasn’t rolled out HDTV signals. So no love.
-Local: Eliminate credit card debt by using some government loophole, just like the movie stars.
-TNN’s hosting the “AXE House Party”, with music by 2002’s hottest bands!
-HHH and Y2J send warm wishes and thanks to America’s troops overseas. Wait a minute, aren’t those two Canadian?

SPONSORS:
-House of 1000 Corpses, Greyhound and Dragonball Z: Ultimate Battle 22 are glad to see that Sable’s back. They are, of course, the only ones. How’s 1998, fellas?

SEGMENT #2: ARN ANDERSON
For no apparent reason, it’s more Arn Anderson interview footage. It’s a weird grab bag of stuff. Like outtakes from the Arn show a few months back. Or an all-new, abridged version of Arn’s retrospective. Strange. We start out with Arn and Ric Flair talking about how they became such good friends. Arn had a ring rope break during a match in Tuskaloosa, causing him to be sent to the hospital. Ric went with, and they’ve been friends ever since. Ric then tried to get Arn to come work for Jim Crockett in Charlotte. Arn eventually caved, but says it was the best thing for him. The Four Horsemen idea was created when NWA was running short on TV time, so Tully Blanchard, Ole Anderson, Arn and Ric got put on screen together for one promo. Arn thought up the name, leading to arguably the most influential faction in wrestling. Like coming up with the Four Horsemen name, Ric and Tully cite Arn as one of the cleverest guys in wrestling. In fact, Ric credits Arn with most of his phrases and speeches. One speech Arn’ll be most remembered for, he hopes, is his retirement speech from Nitro. He says it wasn’t prepared ahead of time, it was all from the heart. The main reason for Arn’s retirement was a neck injury (caused by Marty Jennetty) that he never got taken care of. Oh man, is that what this whole thing was for? To remind us that wrestlers get hurt. God, I know, I get it. Every time I get bored watching Raw or Smackdown I remember all the guys out with neck surgery. Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Arn’s retirement. Arn was just glad that his best friend was in the ring with him when he gave that speech. No, not Steve McMichael. Ric Flair! Whoo!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Goldberg slobbers and twitches like a mental patient at Backlash. Buyrates must be through the roof!
-House of 1000 Corpses… On Ice! Coming soon to an arena near you.
-Honda Bikes are not Goldberg’s preferred brand of motorcycle. Thus, if you own one, you may no longer refer to yourself as a “Goldberger”.
-Milky Way is full of all the empty calories and saturated fats a lazy, obese wrestling fan needs to stay in shape. Feel the burn.
-The Burger King Italian Chicken Sandwich will be joining the FBI on next week’s Velocity.
-Def Jam Vendetta for PS2. Aw, snap! I didn’t know Ludacris could do those moves! Why doesn’t he feud with John Cena? Hmm? I’m sorry, what? Video game?
-Foot Locker offers the same shoes you wore in 8th Grade, but now calls them “Classic”. Funny. WWE offers the same wrestlers you watched in 8th Grade, but calls it “Raw”.
-Target pimps Drumline, which is just like the hit film Bring It On. Except no cheerleaders. Or Kirsten Dunst. Or Eliza Dushku. Or direction by a guy who directed videos for Superchunk. But with the phrase “suh’in-suh’in”, as in “I thought I’d put a little suh’in-suh’in on the end there”. Please begin using it in term papers and wills.
-The WWE is coming to a town near you, so start packing for your move.

SEGMENT #3: PROFESSOR LINDA MCMAHON
The students of the Nassau County Community College picked Linda McMahon to be their Professor For A Day. Guess that’s why it’s a “community” college. Linda wasn’t alone, she also brought Maven, Trish, D-Von and Bubba Ray. She ends up talking about (surprise!) Vince and the growth of the WWE. She describes the WWE of today as having “something for everyone”. What, exactly? “Sexuality… action-adventure… The Hurricane”. So, everything but quality writing and good storylines. Check. Maven, D-Von and Trish all talk about how great a job they have, etc. Look, I’m sure they really do love their jobs, but these all-too-frequent “feel good” rah rah speeches are starting to wear thin. Anyway, the students look relatively entertained, so they must not watch Confidential. Good luck with those business degrees, kids. Linda’s a great role model.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Dynasty Warriors 4 is a game that uses metaphor and symbolism to… no, hold on. This is the one where the samurais fight the other samurais, right? That’s pretty deep too, I suppose.
-This 1-800-CALL-ATT commercial is slightly less objectionable than most, only because the girl in it is super-hot. It’s the restaurant one. She’s got kind of a Jennifer Garner thing going’ on. Nice.
-Low birth weight babies would like you to quit smoking. Or having sex. Either way.
-Twix attempts to fill “America’s already bloated snack-hole”, according to Homer Simpson. Y’know, the one where Marge starts selling pretzels. “Hey, Fat Tony. You still with the Mafia?” “Uh, yes. Thank you for asking.”
-Gatorade is like orange juice, but more xtreme! Also, no actual oranges.
-Malibu’s Most Wanted has too many angles to come from. John Cena? Eminem? “Don’t be hatin’”? Meh, maybe next week.
-Castrol GTX is the secret ingredient of the hot new cocktail, “The Rotating Piston”. Two parts whisky, one part raspberry schnapps, dash of Castrol GTX. Shake. Serve in ambulance or emergency room. Dear God, please don’t actually drink this.
-Yamaha bikes only need two wheels. So why does your car need four, princess? Sissy needs four wheels! Sissy needs four wheels!

WWE REWIND:
-This was the Golden Age of Monday Night Raw? Sable promotes her first Playboy appearance on March 15, 1999.

SEGMENT #4: SABLE’S “ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER”
Think back, seven long years ago. A not as skanky Rena Mero debuts as HHH’s valet “Sable”. Later that night she’d split from him to manage Marvelous Marc Mero. He wasn’t that great to her, forcing her to dress in demeaning outfits like a potato sack or a reindeer costume. But she always got back at him, stripping down to demeaning outfits like bikinis and latex handprints over her breasts. Sable names the tag team match she and Marc had against Goldust and Luna Vachon as her favorite match. 2 Slammies and a Women’s Championship later, Sable was gone from the WWE/WWF. Now that she’s back, she’s fooled herself into thinking she’s got more left to do. Go get ‘em, tiger. But seriously, don’t wear any of those outfits again, okay?

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Confidential Volume 1 is available on video and DVD. Matt Hardy Version 1 is available on Smackdown and book stores everywhere.
-Honda Aquatrax are totally safe to fall off of, even if you’re going really fast. I mean, it’s only water, right? Hey, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know…
-House of 1000 Corpses is not going to be continued in House Party of 1000 Corpses starring Kid and Play. That’s just a dream of mine.
-Stacker 2 ain’t working on Big Show. Maybe he could try Stacker 147.
-Identity. While I’m normally optimistic about anything John Cusack’s in (not counting Serendipity), I’ve got a weird vibe off this. I keep thinking it’s going to have some jerk-off ending, like everyone’s an aspect of John Cusack’s personality or something. Man, why not just have the killer be Santa Claus or The Devil? Who’d see that coming?
-AAMCO AACMO OAACM COMAA AMCOA MAACO
-McDonald’s sells many items on their menu for only $1. How could they not be delicious?
-Castrol GTX Fine Liqueur proudly presents WWE Backlash. The Backlash theme song is “Remedy” by Cold. Loathe as I am to say anything but negative things about bands like this, but I sort of don’t hate the song Rivers Cuomo wrote for these guys. It’s not this song. This song I hate.

SEGMENT #5: JERRY LAWLER, PLAYBOY PHOTOGRAPHER
Technically, Playboy.COM photographer. Jerry joins such luminaries as Nelly and Carmen Electra in photographing naked girls for the internet. I hear it’s a real growth industry. Normally I wouldn’t recap something as, uh, visually oriented as this, put I love ripping on dirty ol’ Lawler. This shoot sees Jerry photographing lovely Wendy Culp. Uh oh! Send her back! She’s graduated high school! Pro that he is, Jerry lets her stay and pretends to be aroused. Very aroused. Super, embarrassing to watch, dog in heat, paddle on a pole match times ten aroused. I hope he’s just overacting. Jerry took a little while to get into it, though. He says he was so nervous at first that he was “sweating Crisco”. Nervous or out of shape. Whatever you need to believe, King. Jerry enjoyed the picture taking, saying it was better than meeting Hef. And Wendy’s got a sister who needs a date for prom!

SEGMENT #6: CAR SHOPPING WITH EDDIE AND CHAVO
Commercial? Segment? Funny? No, yes and definitely. Eddie and Chavo care about the WWE fans, so this week they offer tips on getting a cheap car. Really cheap. As in free. Using their patented brand of trickery/smooth-talking/accusations of racism, Los G chase a white valet away, keeping his jacket. Eddie puts it on, pretending to be the valet so he can steal another cracker’s car. When Whitey hands Eddie the keys, he does a double take and asks if they’re Los G. Chavo gets into the passenger side while denying who they are, saying “Naw, man. We all look alike.” The Man buys it, so they steal his car. And his wallet. Viva La Raza!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Kevin Nash and Triple H on the next Monday Night Raw? Christmas came early! We all get coal.
-Identity. Seriously, I think it’s going to have a bad “shock” ending. I’m going to see Confidence instead. Hey, at least Ed Burns didn’t write or direct this one.
-Snickers are not energizing or fun. They aren’t going to get you laid or make you better at your job. They won’t help you win the big game or beat up anyone. They’re bad for you. They’ll make you fat and unhealthy. Stop eating so much candy, America.
-Gatorade, however, is the magic elixir that brings everlasting youth and vitality. Chug three bottles a day.
-The Burger King Italian-American Chicken-Flavored Sandwich-Item is on sale now.
-1-800-CALL-ATT is an anagram for 1008-TALL-CAT. How mysterious.
-This guy’s Anti-Drug is running over his brother. Fratricide. Is that a word?
-Target sells Drumline DVD’s. To people, probably.
-Foot Locker offers two pairs of shoes for $90. Uh, I just bought two pairs of shoes at Foot Locker for $55. They call this a sale?
-CSI on TNN. I just watched HBO’s Rat Pack movie again last night. William Petersen played JFK! How weird is that?
-Lita isn’t it, so I don’t buy it. The 2003 WWE Divas magazine is on newsstands everywhere.

SEGMENT #7: WHO WANTS TO MARRY A BACKLASH COMMERCIAL
Topical parody, thy name is WWE. Cashing in on the blazing hot Joe Millionaire phenomenon (of a month ago), Trish Stratus plays a snubbed women kicking the crap of a Joe Millionaire look-a-like. The WWE hired the real butler from Joe Millionaire, Paul Hogan, to guest in the ad. It’s a good thing they pointed that detail out, ‘cause the only guys in the audience who’d get that are gay or married. Which is to say, if you are single and watched Joe Millionaire, you are gay. Feel free to blame me for outing you to yourself. It’ll be okay. You can still be gay and watch wrestling. Hell, it probably helps.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
Who knows? No preview of next week’s episode. So, I’ll make stuff up. HHH and Hurricane talk about their success as tag champs, Jackie Gayda humbly dismisses “Match Of The Year” talk and Vince Russo returns to spew profanity for 42 minutes straight.