411’s WWE Confidential Report 05.17.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, ALL YOU’VE GAINED IS A LOSS
Big “ups”, as the kids say, to PATRICK BROWER for filling in last week, pulling double duty recapping Velocity as well. Triple duty, if you count sleeping with your mom. Kidding! I missed you all so much. How much? Why don’t I show you by doing the worst Confidential recap I’ve ever done?

SEGMENT #1: SMACKDOWN TOUR
The boys and girls of the Smackdown brand went in search of people who still like the WWE, and they needed to fly all the way to the British Isles. It’s Smackdown: Tour De Force in Aberdeen, London, Belfast and Sheffield. Besides the usual in-ring action that you or I wouldn’t go to see at a house show, the residents of these towns got to see WWE Superstars hang around tourist attractions. Yep, it’s their lucky day. Version 1 and Shannon Moore hit the links, playing a round of golf at a famous Aberdeen golf course. So famous I didn’t care. Chavo stopped by an Irish pub, flinging bottles around just like when he was a bartender. But it’s not the golfing and carelessness that the Smackdown talent enjoys; it’s the fans. Version 1, Chris Benoit and Torrie Wilson appreciated the energy of the foreign fans. And the foreign fans appreciated Mr. America being left at home.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Trish does a promo for Slammin’ Saturday Night, no doubt the middle of a string of these. She’s at a carnival, trading in her prize tickets. She’s looking at the different toys she could get and spies a neat toy truck. Trish seems taken with this particular model of vehicle, declaring that she’s “gotta have a Hummer”. Well said.
-Shaken Not Stirred Sundays. TNN Not Watched Weekdays.
-Castrol GTX is the one thing every Memorial Day Barbecue needs.
-1-800-CALL-ATT massages and infuriates. What does it all mean?
-Sour Starburst continues to traumatize teenagers and babies alike.
-Gatorade would have you believe that it’s made and enhanced through science, not voodoo. Man, you’ll believe anything you see on TV, won’t you?
-Turtle Wax Jetwash/Jetwax/Jetfire
-Local: Ever since Empire changed their theme song, Menards is now the catchiest jingle in Chicago. “Save big money at Menards”…
-Local: Comcast, on the other hand, has no jingle. OR HIGH DEFINITION!

SPONSORS:
-Stacker 2 thought The Matrix Reloaded was pretty good, Greyhound enjoyed Down With Love, and Anti-Drug thought that Keira Knightly girl from Bend It Like Beckham was adorable. Mmm…

SEGMENT #2: BEFORE THEY WERE SUPERSTARS: BOOKER T
Booker T takes us through the Houston neighborhood where he grew up. He was the youngest of eight kids, raised by a single mother. The family didn’t have much, and times were even tougher when Book’s mom died. Luckily, he had brother Stevie Ray to look out for him. Unluckily, Stevie didn’t do such a good job. Booker was involved in a robbery (Wendy’s), and spent 19 months in prison. He credits his phone conversations with Stevie Ray about wrestling as a guiding force. After he got out of prison, it was onward to wrestling and losing to Triple H. Who says dreams don’t come true?

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Stacker 2 burns fat like I work hard on this report.
-Spike Lee joins Nike in wishing Michael Jordan good luck on the latest of his many retirements.
-Golden Sun is neither golden, nor a sun. It’s a videogame. Sorry.
-Milky Way thinks you’d look cool singing 80’s rock songs while eating a candy bar in a convertible, but they don’t like you very much.
-Bobby and Luanne from Fox’s King of the Hill promote Autolite Spark Plugs. If they wanted a funny commercial, why didn’t they use Bill or Dale?
-The world may hate us, but that doesn’t mean Americans can stop buckling their seat belts. Click It or Ticket.
-The Italian Job stars “Marky” Mark Wahlberg. Don’t worry, it’s cool that I call him that. We’re tight. Oh, no. I mean I hate him. Well, not hate. Planet Of The Apes sure did suck, though.

WWE REWIND:
-Classie Freddie Blassie finally repays Satan by appearing in a segment with Three Minute Warning on last week’s Raw.

SEGMENT #3: STILL CLASSIE FREDDIE BLASSIE
Hey, I did this one already. Here’s a reprint:
It’s a birthday tribute to Mr. Classie (or it was when it first aired), born February 8th, 1918 in St. Louis, Missouri. The world was nearly robbed of the WWE Hall of Famer, as his mother told him numerous times to “stop that foolishness.” And how foolish wrestling (sports entertaining?) must have seemed after Freddie earned only $1 for his first match at age 17. It’s funny, that’s what the WWE road crew is likely to make in a few months. Good thing Scott Steiner was hired! Unlike Steiner, Freddie was able to really electrify a crowd. He says that every appearance he made caused “a minor riot.” What do a lifetime of minor riots add up to for Freddie? 21 different cuts and stabbings, acid thrown, a hard-boiled egg to the eye. But that’s the stuff that makes a wrestler an icon, as Freddie claims he “ruled Southern California.” Even Hollywood royalty like Sir Burt Reynolds (was he Smokey or The Bandit?), upon meeting Freddie, got down on one knee and said, “Illustrious One, where have you been?” Well, at many, many parties. And what looks like the Dick Van Dyke Show. Despite his mother’s frequent objections, Freddie calls becoming a wrestler the “best move I made in my life.”

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-The surest way to not have me mention how unhealthy Twix bars are is to have an attractive woman (DJ Rap) sell them on TV. Daddy like…
-2 Fast 2 Furious is coming to theaters soon. Thank Christ, finally! A movie with cars! Driving fast!
-Honda Aquatrax are working to produce Revolution Studios new film 2 Wet 2 Plotless. Fall 2003.
-Gatorade continues to corrupt our nation’s youth, causing them to do whatever stupid thing I feel like blaming them for. Blast you, Gatorade! You won’t get away with this!
-Castrol GTX is full of… what the hell was that Gatorade thing about? I hate when I start writing a joke before I know how it ends. It’s faster on the typing, but sometimes the lack of planning added to my sleepiness gets you gibberish like that. Sorry, I guess.
-Greyhound buses are like airplanes, only less wings and more drunken pilots.
-Snickers supposes that cranky theme park mascots just need candy. Or, not to be sweating off 20 pounds a day in a dog suit. But hey, they make the candy, not me. How should I know what would help?
-Stridex will cover up and cure all outward blemishes, leaving the festering emptiness inside you concealed by a pretty shell that no one will ever try to see past.
-Speaking of pretty shells, Jamie Pressly demands that you dial 1-800-COLLECT or she’ll never kiss another girl on TV again. Actually, I only inferred that, but she might mean it. Can we take that chance?

SEGMENT #4: OUTSIDE THE ROPES: JESSE VENTURA
A WWE graphic asks Jesse Ventura the following questions:
1) What did you learn from your days as a Navy SEAL? Perseverance.
2) Your thoughts on Mr. McMahon getting in the ring at Wrestlemania 19? Was sad it wasn’t against him. Would come out of retirement to wrestle Vince.
3) What changes would you make if you were to become president? Doesn’t want the job, but would champion States Rights if elected.
4) What will be the legacy of the XFL? It wasn’t given a chance.
5) What do you feel is your greatest contribution to the sport of pro wrestling? The first wrestler who brought in outside representation. (agent, manager)

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Nike Basketball destroys hoops, but at least it isn’t strangling a coach.
-Gatorade is the sort of drink that doesn’t do anything, but you think it does because you’ve seen commercials. It’s called a placebo, and you’re called a sucker.
-Milky Way, however, is the best thing an athlete can eat. Have five or six before the big game.
-Golden Sun this, Golden Sun that. Why don’t you marry Golden Sun?
-Stridex equates your outward appearance with happiness. Your parents disagree with this viewpoint. That’s because they are ugly. Don’t be ugly. Be attractive and happy. And for God’s sake, stop reading about wrestling. How is that going to get you a date?
-The Burger King Sourdough Bacon Cheeseburger may not immediately give you a heart attack, but I’m not taking the chance.
-Local: AAMCO does not, to my knowledge, stand for Antiquated Architects Mate Carefully Overseas.
-Local: ESPN The Truck, closely followed by ESPN The Truck The Movie, starring Big Show as ESPN The Truck.
-WWE Live has the gall to hype Judgment Day with a clip of Goldberg, who isn’t even on the card. If anyone watched Confidential besides me, they’d be pissed.

SEGMENT #5: FROM THE VAULT: HOGAN vs ANDRE
Chuck Palumbo picks this week’s From The Vault. It’s Hogan against Andre at Wrestlemania 3. Hogan slams Andre, retains the belt. Years later, Mr. America steals Hogan’s gimmick. Shameless.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Most Extreme Something-Or-Other on TNN. Hooray!
-Castrol GTX is now available in a low-fat formula.
-My Anti-Drug is despising Anti-Drug commercials.
-Gatorade won’t leave me alone, and it’s starting to piss me off. You win! You win, okay? I’ll go out tomorrow and buy 12 gallons of Gatorade. Was that worth four commercials on one show?
-Sour Starburst needs love, but only drives people away. Much like wrestling. Sad.
-Turtle Wax Jetwash/Jetwax sounds high-tech, but it’s just Zest shavings in water.
-The new Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell has everything you’d want in a meal, plus some insect parts and rat feces!
-Greased Lighting will keep your car running and your wife from yelling like a banshee, if you believe this ad.
-Clearasil presents Dal’s Nap Time, formerly known as WWE Judgment Day.

SEGMENT #6: FLOGGING A DEAD VALET
If people loved it once, they’re sure to love it again! That’s the WWE way, never more obvious than here on Confidential. Since last week did such a great rating, the WWE re-presents the last half of their Miss Elizabeth story. Luckily, I had Patrick Brower fill in, and he did a thorough job recapping last week. So thorough, I’m just going to reprint his recap. Thanks, Pat!

The Cobb County Sheriff’s department says that Elizabeth’s death could be suicide, a natural death or homicide. Can you be any more vague? Can you at least confirm that she is in fact dead? Cpl. Brody Staud says we have to wait for the autopsy. Hulk says Liz was always a passenger in life, never the driver. Vince says that her marriage to Macho Man smothered her. Hulk’s wife was also told that Liz was smothered by her marriage. Liz took a break from the world of wrestling for 4 years, returning in 1996 to WCW. Vince says that WCW was not the caring environment of the WWE and that may have affected her.
In WCW Liz met Lawrence Pfohl “Lex Luger.” No one knows the details of their relationship but two weeks before her death Cobb County police responded to a domestic disturbance call at Lex’s home. Liz had contusions and swollen eyes and admitted that Lex hit her. He was arrested and charged with battery. On to May 1st, 2003.

LEX LUGER: She’s laying on the floor. I tried to pick her up… I tried to…

911 OPERATOR: Okay, what I want you to do, I want you to go over and see if she’s breathing.

LEX LUGER: I can’t tell. Please send somebody here who knows what they’re doing.

911 OPERATOR: I understand that sir. I have somebody on the way but if she’s not breathing you need to help her breathe. You need to find out whether or not she’s breathing. Go over to her… roll her… pull her…

911 OPERATOR: Sir?

LEX LUGER: Oh my God. Please send somebody…

911 OPERATOR: Listen to me. You have got to help her. Lay down…

LEX LUGER: I’m trying. I’ve been trying to help her.

911 OPERATOR: Lay down and check to see if she’s breathing. Look at her chest; see if it’s rising.

LEX LUGER: Doesn’t look like it is. I’m scared to death.

Vince isn’t angry, but he’s disappointed in how much Lex and Liz let each other down in life. The irony of the innocence of Miss Elizabeth juxtaposed with the way she died; there’s a message there somewhere. Perhaps falling from grace or not having a purpose in life? All performers in the wrestling business have to learn from this so it is never repeated.

Mean Gene tells us that in the past week the coroner has found “no definitive cause of death” for Miss Elizabeth. It should take 30 to 60 days for more sophisticated analysis to provide clues as to her cause of death.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
I almost forgot! The header from this week is from “Black Out” by The Good Life. Go buy it, and pick up “Give Up” by The Postal Service. It’s good. No clips from next week’s show, so I’ll have a guess: Vince talks about winning the Nobel Peace Prize, Andre The Giant crawls from his grave to feud with Big Show, Trish and Lita promote their girl-on-girl pictorial in June’s Hustler, and Stephanie calls in to set the record straight on her firing. Or not! Find out next week!