411’s WWE Confidential Report 05.24.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, YOU CAN’T BREAK A BROKEN HEART
If necessity is the mother of invention, then truly boredom is like the aunt that watches invention so necessity can go out to a bar for the night. Yeah, I’ve got no interest in doing tonight’s recap. So I’m changing the format slightly. In the commercial recaps (the only part people seem to care about), I’m adding a rating for one week only. See, I can be a good American and like commercials. Just not ALL commercials. Rather than rip on commercials indiscriminately, I’ll rate them the way a real critic would. That’s right: LIKEE or NO LIKEE. It’s this or quit. One week, next week I’ll try to muster some enthusiasm. This week’s heading comes off of “Wasp’s Nest” by The 6ths. On with the alleged show!

SEGMENT #1: JOHN CENA, PART ONE
Plenty of current Cena clips trick the slow-witted viewer into thinking this interview was done recently. Not so! It’s all Pre-Recorded, but I never recapped it, so I will now. John Cena was the second of five sons, looking forward to being a “wock-stah” when he grew up. That Massachusetts accent. Yeesh. John and his brothers terrorized their parents, causing all sorts of Dennis The Menace-inspired mayhem. But disobedience was secondary to John’s real passion: sports. The Cena kids enjoyed all different sports (except soccer, because that isn’t a sport in America) and John was always the one to organize things. He even organized a wrestling federation for his brothers and friends, complete with hand-made paper belts. Despite making paper wrestling belts, John was accepted to a prestigious boarding school whose name was said once and I don’t know how it’s spelled so I’m not going to bother. After being on his best behavior at boarding school, John cut loose at prep school. Hey, it’s John Cena’s bare ass. On my TV. Thanks. John believes that naked is always funny. Yes, fine, it’s funny. Just put some damn pants on. Pants or no pants, John was off to play college football for another school whose name is never shown onscreen. To Be Continued…

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Shaken Not Stirred Sundays – NO LIKEE – James Bond? Who cares? It’s all “XXX” now anyway.
-Truth – LIKEE – Finally! The Truth about cigarettes! It’s a good thing I get all my information about health and safety from TNN on Saturday nights.
-1-800-CALL-ATT – LIKEE – Because of the inevitable cute girl that distracts from HWMNBN. This time it’s a cute cowgirl.
-Castrol GTX – LIKEE – Is the major ingredient in most antihistamines.
-Milky Way – NO LIKEE – Chubby sings 80’s rock. Yeah, that makes me really hungry.
-Local: Comcast Digital Cable – NO LIKEE – I’ve mentioned this in the past: I’d need Comcast Digital Cable to even see this ad. Why does it exist?
-Local: Vehix.com – NO LIKEE – College-aged daughter not shown onscreen. Big minus.
-Booker T on Raw – NO LIKEE – Yeah, great match he had last week.

WWE REWIND:
-Goldberg chokes a confession out of Lance Storm, while Jericho promises a confrontation next week. All on Raw, which is best watch taped, not live. That way you fast-forward through the many awful parts. Try it!

SEGMENT #2: FOZZY
Jericho talks up his band Fozzy, closing with a line that should be on their t-shirts: “We’re a rock-n-roll regatta.” This regatta started rockin’ and rollin’ when Rich Ward of the band Stuck Mojo was backstage at a Nitro show. His band had done a song for Dallas Page, so they were hanging out. Jericho starting talking with Rich, telling him how he always wanted to be a rock star. Rich told Chris about some friends he was in a jam band with, inviting Chris to sing some metal cover songs with them. Their first show was a success thanks to Jericholics, so they continued playing together in a band called Fozzy. Their second album, Happenstance, is being promoted a number of places, including wrestling shows. Yes, it’s a recap of Fozzy’s performance of “To Kill A Stranger” on Raw. I’d nearly forgotten. Jericho says that being a wrestler is a both a help and hindrance to being a rock star. Being a wrestler helped get Fozzy exposure they never would have gotten ordinarily, like a performance on Raw. On the other hand, many people dismiss Fozzy as a novelty act because of Jericho’s day job. That’s not fair. They should dismiss Fozzy because they aren’t very good.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Divas Desert Heat on video and DVD – NO LIKEE – No Lita means no likee.
-Turtle Wax Jet Wash/Jet Wax – LIKEE – But just so I can use this: “Gamera is really neat / He is full of turtle meat / We all love you Ga-mer-aaaaa…”
-Staind, “14 Shades Of Grey” – NO LIKEE – I know people’s musical tastes are their own business, and it’s not like my own taste in music is the greatest, but Staind? Ugh.
-Gatorade – NO LIKEE – There’s something about watching athletic exertion while you’re slouched on the couch that just seems wrong.
-Twix – LIKEE – Had one tonight. Kept me wired.
-Click It Or Ticket – NO LIKEE – Who is the State of Illinois to tell me that I’m not allowed to fly through my windshield during a collision? Fascists.
-The Italian Job – LIKEE – Provisionally. Charlize Theron and Seth Green, good. Marky Mark and the guy from The Transporter? Bad. Ed Norton tips it into good, but only just.
-Stridex – LIKEE – Acne-ridden teens are a scourge on the countryside. They must be eliminated. The teens or the acne, I don’t care which.
-Test Drive –LIKEE – Cheap video games are okay by me.
-WWE Bad Blood: Nash vs HHH in Hell In A Cell – NO LIKEE – Christ, let me count the ways. 1.Nash 2.Triple H 3.Rematch 4.Nash 5.Main Event? 6.Nash 7.Kevin Nash

SEGMENT #3: LESNARS AT SUMMERSLAM
A fluff piece if ever I saw one. Here’s the recap in 45 words. Brock Lesnar’s parents were at SummerSlam to watch his match against the Rock. They were nervous for him. When he won the WWE Undisputed Title, they were happy for him. Brock was glad to have won the belt at such a young age. The End.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Freddie Blassie’s book “Listen, You Pencil Neck Geeks” – NO LIKEE – You want a piece of me, grandpa?
-Nike Basketball – LIKEE – Hey, they missed baskets! That never happens on the Tee-Vee.
-Snickers – LIKEE – That Barky stuff is pretty funny. “Are you Barky?” “Barky’s a cartoon character, kid. I’m just a person who made a lot of mistakes.”
-Gatorade – LIKEE – I’ve been having that “no so refreshed” feeling lately. At least there’s a drink that can help.
-Castrol GTX – NO LIKEE – When did they stop putting the recipes on the side of the bottle?
-Hollywood Homicide – NO LIKEE – Harrison Ford. So it’s come to this.
-WWE Live – NO LIKEE – I’m not sure I like the idea of paying money to watch Hurricane wrestle one of La Resistance in a 20 minute main event.

SEGMENT #4: JOHN CENA, PART TWO
When we left John, he was playing college football at some college that had a football team. Soon, John would graduate college. What then? Well, step one to get into the WWE is to play for an NFL team, get injured, rehab, join the WWE. That wasn’t for John, I guess. He graduated college and moved to California. He sold fitness equipment by day, used fitness equipment by night. On the weekends he competed in professional bodybuilding, doing pretty well at it. One day, John happened to share a conversation with a wrestler for local federation UPW. The wrestler thought John should stop by and learn to wrestle. John did, eventually learning enough to wrestle for UPW as Prototype. He also did work on a UPN show called “Manhunt” that the WWE was developing. I’m not certain if it ever aired. It might have, but it was probably opposite VIP, so no dice. So back to UPW for John Cena. He kept at it, though, eventually earning a developmental contract with the WWE and a title shot against Brock Lesnar, followed by midcard purgatory. Good luck, John Cena!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Rey Mysterio: 619 on home video and DVD – LIKEE – Oh, man. I’ve never bought a wrestling video or DVD before in my life, but I might buy this one.
-2 Fast 2 Furious –NO LIKEE – No Jordana Brewster? No Michelle Rodriguez?
-Greyhound – NO LIKEE – I’d rather take the mind-bending terror of airlines than sit next to someone for 15 hours on a bus. Call me crazy.
-1-800-CALL-ATT – NO LIKEE – Can’t see the cute girl, can only see HWMNBN. Getting angry.
-Milky Way – NO LIKEE – Fatty sure does like his candy bar. People, don’t be like Fatty. Put down the candy bars. Eat an apple for once, okay?
-Turtle Wax – LIKEE – A nice, shiny car is sure to be appreciated by all of your superficial friends. That’ll cure your staggering depression.
-Greased Lightning – LIKEE – But only for their other product, Greased Pig. I’m not sure what it does, but I bought twelve cases anyway. How could I not? It’s called Greased Pig! That pig’s all greased up! Who knows what it’ll do!
-Smirnoff – NO LIKEE – How come “Smirnoff” is in my spellchecker? Lousy drunk computer…
-Junkyard Mega Wars on TLC – NO LIKEE – TLC hasn’t been the same since Left Eye died.

SPONSORS:
-Stacker 2, Milky Way and 1-800-CALL-ATT all thought Catherine Bell looked super-hot in Bruce Almighty. The movie was funny. But oh, Catherine Bell. Wow.

SEGMENT #5: LEVON K AND BOOKER T
Levon Kirkland of the Philadelphia Eagles can indeed dig it, sucka. He’s been a huge Booker T fan for years, and when he sacked someone (Brett Favre? If so, good for Levon.) early in the 2002-2003 season, he paid tribute to Booker’s “five time” hand thing. Booker was flattered. Levon went on to talk about Booker’s accomplishments in both WWE and WCW. He does not intend to do a spinarooni anytime soon.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Kurt Angle: Persistence Pays – LIKEE – As truly horrible as some WWE programming is (Confidential), you can always count on the little short films (this one, Desire, Los G) to be entertaining.
-Stan Lee’s Stripperella – LIKEE – Stan likes boobs. Nuff Said!
-Castrol GTX – LIKEE – Very smooth, no aftertaste.
-Stacker 2 – NO LIKEE – Big Show and NASCAR guys. What stops my eyes from bleeding?
-Greyhound – NO LIKEE – Man, they don’t make the buses out of dogs, do they?
-Gatorade – LIKEE – Slightly better tasting than Castrol GTX.
-Sour Starburst – NO LIKEE – People always look miserable in their ads, so I’m not eating their candy. I can look miserable on my own.
-Test Drive – NO LIKEE – I only like driving games that allow me to shoot out the window as I drive. Call me a snob if you must, that’s just my preference.
-1-800-COLLECT – LIKEE – I can’t go against Jamie Preslly, not for anything.
-Shaken Not Stirred Sundays – LIKEE – Ah, the days before Sean Connery was a joke…
-MXEC – NO LIKEE – Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. MEEC, not MXEC. Get it right!
-Stone Cold presents WWE Bad Blood – NO LIKEE – The odds of Three Minute Warning making a PPV are better than ever.

SEGMENT #6: TRISH AND BUBBA FOR STACKER 2
Doug LeBow directs two commercials for Stacker 2, one starring Bubba Ray Dudley, the other with the lovely-but-not-as-lovely-as-Lita Trish Stratus. Both commercials are shot in The Strip House, a bordello turned steak house in Manhattan. The commercials have since been shown several thousand times, so I won’t recap them. Yay, me!

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
An all new episode, other than that I don’t know. More effort is possible, but not guaranteed. Thanks for toughing this week out.