411’s WWE Confidential Report 05.31.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, DON’T SAY WHAT WE’VE BECOME
This week’s heading is from The Jealous Sound’s self-titled EP. No time for a lead-in, it’s a rocketbuster (TM the little guy who sits next to Michael Cole on Smackdown) of a Confidential. And I can’t think of anything. Yeah, that bodes well…

SEGMENT #1: VINCE AND HOGAN 4EVER
Or, “How Vince Created Hulkamania”. Way back when Vince Sr. was running the show, Terry Bollea was just getting into pro-wrestling. Terry’s first ring name was “Sterling Golden”, which both Vince Sr. and Vince Jr. thought was horrible. Vince Sr. thought Terry should be called “Hogan”, because he’d name anything Irish if he could. Vince Jr. remembers Hogan as being “full of spunk and charisma” and thought he should be a face, but Vince Sr. saw as a big guy, which meant he’d be a heel. Then, WWE editing removed the part where Hogan worked for other people, because the next thing you know Vince (Jr., the only Vince in the rest of this segment) is talking about how he “called Hogan back down” from Minnesota. Why call him back? Because “Terry” had come up with the idea for Hulkamania, and Vince thought it could work. Ah ha! J’accuse! So Vince admits it was Hogan’s idea! Uh, sort of. While Vince credits Hogan with the idea of Hulkamania, it was Vince who took a regional idea and made it a national phenomenon. The music, the logo, the merchandise, all Vince. Vince says that he helped to “mold it, shape it”, therefore making it a success. Vince then poses the question of what is more important, “the idea or the machine behind it”. Since you couldn’t answer in time, Vince declares that he and Hogan are equals when it comes to the creation of Hulkamania. And who are you to argue with him? Did you get William Regal to kiss your ass? How about getting Torrie Wilson to pull your pants down in front of your wife? Didn’t think so. That is, unless you are Rikishi or Billy Kidman. Please don’t be Rikishi.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Freddie Blassie wrote a book and you aren’t in it. Listen, You Pencil Neck Geeks, in stores now.
-Ren & Stimpy pretend they’re still cutting-edge/relevant/funny on The New TNN.
-UFC on PPV. Hey, it’s Frank Shamrock and Tank Abbott. I just assumed they’d be dead by now. Well, they aren’t. I guess that means they’ll both be on WWE TV by August.
-Hulk. Sing along! “Doc Bruce Banner, pelted by gamma rays, turns into the Hulk…” I can’t figure the next line. Unglamourate? That isn’t even a word.
-Greyhound buses keep you safe and smelly, like you deserve.
-DL Hughley (maybe) requests you dial 1-800-CALL-ATT. And he shakes the severed head of HWMNBN to drive home his point.
-Local: Comcast High-Speed Internet kicks my dial-up ass. S’okay. I’ll get back in there. Just let me catch my breath, fool. I will drop you like a bag of dirt!
-Local: Comcast Digital Cable helps me watch Seinfeld, so I can rip off their jokes. Like that Internet thing.
-The New TNN is becoming Spike TV, “the first channel designed for men”. Playboy Channel, anyone? No thanks, I’m watching the Spice Channel.

WWE REWIND:
Chris Nowinski, Rodney Mack and Bubba Ray Dudley in a match I fast-forwarded through last Monday night.

SEGMENT #2: CHRIS NOWINSKI, HARVARD ALUMNI
It’s “A Conversation With Chris Nowinski” at the Harvard Club, and Confidential filmed it. A lovely (and presumably talented) young lady named Arden O’Connor invited Chris to speak, part of the Harvard Club’s “Conversations With” guest lecturer series. Before his talk, Chris “rubbed elbows” (society term) with the “marks” (wrestling term) who “done showed up” (my term). Speaking of horrible English, Chris made an effort to bring up his vocabulary, using words like “septum” inside of “nose part”. Chris admitted it was a refreshing change from the “grunts in the locker room” he usually has to deal with. Soon the chitchat was over, and it was on to the type of questions that only Harvard graduates can pose, like “How much money do you make?” or “Do you get any resentment from the older guys?” Confidential didn’t show the answers, of course, but they did allow Chris to tell us that he hoped he showed his fellow alumni that wrestling is a business that is deserving of a Harvard graduate. Then the Dudleyz put him through a table. My god, he’s been broken in half! Those damn Dudleyz!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-HHH versus Nash at Bad Blood. Oh, the vitriol I’ll spew on the Roundtable…
-Castrol GTX is also available as Sour Castrol GTX.
-Skittles are perfect thing to keep you awake for TNN’s Saturday night programming. They don’t do much to stop the crying, however.
-The Fast And The Furious DVD Tricked Out Edition. Mmm, no.
-Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. Mmm, yes. “I work for myself now.” “Well your boss sucks.”
-Target: Even though you may die having never truly loved anyone, at least you’ll have bought things manufactured by phys.sci and Gillette. That’s still pretty good.
-Greased Lightning is the only kind of Lightning endorsed by the Superstars of the WWE. Sorry, Black Lightning.
-The WWE Live! Where the stars of Heat and Velocity come out to shine!

SEGMENT #3: OUTSIDE THE ROPES: TOMMY DREAMER
Coachy-Poo asks Tommy Dreamer the important, hard-hitting questions that made him the beloved WWE cog that he is. Take it away, Coach!
Q) Did you eat a cookie off the ground during the Kurt Angle/Milk Truck skit? What did it taste like?
A) Yes, it tasted like a wet, stepped-on cookie.
Q) If you went on Fear Factor, how would you do? Is there anything you won’t eat?
A) He’d win, there isn’t anything he won’t eat.
Q) How will the NYC Subway fare increase affect you?
A) He drives, so it won’t affect him. If they increased tolls, he’d be upset.
Q) Why the last name “Dreamer”?
A) He always dreamed of being a wrestler.
Q) What would you be if you weren’t a wrestler?
A) Prison (Not where, what) Someone’s bitch in prison.
Q) Did you ever watch American Idol? Do you think it’s rigged?
A) Yes, he watched it. He was pulling for Rueben. It’s definitely fake.
Q) What was the last concert you attended?
A) Van Halen, 1984.
Q) Who are your heroes?
A) Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, Dusty Rhodes.
Q) Where have you never been that you’d like to go?
A) Alaska.
Q) What is talent you have that no one knows about?
A) Male or Female? (Whichever) Can fall from high places without getting hurt.
Then, with the interview concluded, six road agents came to help Tommy stand up. It took 3 hours.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-Kurt Angle, A Champion’s Champion. Hey, Kurt’s going to be on Smackdown this week. I may start watching it again.
-Hollywood Homicide, with Josh Hartnett and the empty shell of Harrison Ford.
-If you like to see people jump into a lake, check out Red Bull’s Flugtag competition. Then get excited about starting the 4th grade in the fall.
-Brute Force is a video game for the Xbox. It’s a shooting game. And it’s for the Xbox. Yep, that just about covers it.
-Some guy loses his dad to lung cancer so he paints a wall. It’s more sanitary to bury him or at least cremate the body, but it’s not my dad. Do what you want, buddy.
-My nightmare is the new 1-800-CALL-ATT commercial: getting a massage from HWMNBN. Damn you! Stop confusing me!
-Paul Walker holds the shortest straw, so he costars with Tyrese in 2 Fast 2 Furious.
-Girlfight! Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.
-This Monday on the Highlight Reel… The Rock! Wow, they’re really promoting this. I’m not sure if that makes it more likely the Rock will be there or less likely. Can’t you just hear the Rock’s music hit and out walks Christian with a painted-on eyebrow?
-Austin, Bischoff and Maxim Hair Color For Men present WWE Bad Blood. This month’s interchangeable theme song is “performed” by Trapt. It’s called “Headstrong”, and I hate it.

SEGMENT #4: EAT GOOD OL’ J.R.
For some reason, Confidential decided to rerun this story from last year. Terri, Trish, Stacy and the lovely Lita are at Jim Ross’ ranch to shot the cover of J.R.’s cookbook. J.R. makes a joke about it needing to be a “hands-on” photo shoot. I didn’t really hear the rest, because I got a slightly tipsy phone call from vacationing Velocity recapper PATRICK BROWER. Pat went to Philly this weekend, the site of a comic convention known as Wizard World East. Pat took Graham Crackers St. Charles manager and pantless wonder Mike Wall to hang out with their industry buddies. Pat and Mike hit Iron Chef Morimoto’s restaurant and meet the IC himself, then got loaded on sake and what Mike called “Pennsylvania Home Brew”. Knowing Mike, it might just be whatever bottle he found in the gutter. Pat talked with talented comic writer Zeb Wells, noting that he’s just “a youngster”. While they got in thanks to Graham Crackers owner Jamie Graham, they naturally avoided doing any work to repay him. Just to make sure that Andy Cole is disappointed, they weren’t able to find a Nightcrawler Heroclix. Thanks to the vagaries of the American Interstate system, they missed an exit and were two hours late to Philly. Surely the near-vehicular homicide induced by too little sleep played no role. Pat wrapped up his phone call as he and Mike tried in vain to find their hotel. If any Philly residents see two disheveled guys wandering around the convention on Sunday, please give them booze and bus fare. Just don’t look them in the eye. They can be a little surly when they’re hungover.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-It’s a weird video hyping… someone. Ultimo Dragon? Sting? Your mom?
-Dumb and Dumberer will hopefully feature the same laxative gags the last one did. Because I hated the last one.
-Nike Basketball is proud to add new phrases to America’s basketball lexicon. Today’s phrase is “throughput”, which is the act of passing the ball with both hands, straight forward. This new basketball phrase was brought to you by Nike Basketball, Murder Inc. Records and the letter “H”.
-Hollywood Homicide imagines that a buddy cop movie will be more original if the two cops don’t get along at first, but eventually realize that they both want to help people and become friends. I don’t think it’ll work.
-Smirnoff drunkafies America as only a Russian comedian can. “In Russia, alcohol is used to escape crippling depression and poverty. In America… uh…”
-Local: First the KKK, now this. Suburban Chicago endures ESPN The Truck.

SPONSORS:
-Nike Basketball is going to get Animatrix on Tuesday, 2 Fast 2 Furious might grab Die Another Day, but Stacker 2 can’t wait ‘til Buffy Season Four is out.

SEGMENT #5: FROM THE VAULT: RODDY PIPER vs GOLDUST
Terri picks this week’s match, the Backlot Brawl from March 31, 1996. Goldust kisses Piper. Piper wins by stripping Goldust, then they kiss again. But more shocking than all that is the fact that Roddy Piper was thin enough to fit in a pair of jeans. Man, no wonder Goldust wanted to kiss him.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
-MXEC is not TNN’s revival of the classic drama Mandy’s Xylophone Exudes Class. It’s some kind of game show.
-Wrong Turn, starring Faith from Buffy and Billy from Six Feet Under. Man, who knows what kind trouble a reformed Slayer and an incestuous nutjob will get into in the Spooky Woods?
-Burger King grills a cow-like slab of meat on a grill and hopes that’s enough for you.
-Terminator 3: Rise Of The Trainwreck.
-Sour Starburst ruins tastebuds and family events simultaneously.
-Castrol GTX should be cooked with the lid off, to let its pleasant aroma linger in your kitchen while you prepare your meal.
-UFC PPV with the punching and the kicking and the shorts so tight I feel funny.
-Target: Die Another Day on PPV, with a special “Lookee Them Boobies” price on Swordfish and Monster’s Ball.
-Wrong Turn sends photogenic twenty-somethings into a creepy, dark forest. Leonard Maltin calls it “wall-to-wall laugh riot”, with “a heart-breaking conclusion (that will leave you) crying for days”. Mr. Maltin is currently recuperating from his cerebral hemorrhage. A full recovery is neither expected nor desired.
-The Rock, or a close approximation, will be Chris Jericho’s guest on Monday night’s Highlight Reel.
-No Lita, no buy. Divas Desert Heat on DVD. Sorry, Torrie.

SEGMENT #6: JOHN CENA IN BELFAST
The self-proclaimed “King of mesh hats and throwbacks” gets a tour of Belfast from hometown hero and girly road agent Fit Finlay. No one told Cena that Ireland was cold, because he’s wearing shorts. He’s so cold that tears start to from. Fit sees them and asks if he’s cold. Cena claims that he isn’t cold, he just so choked up by the beauty of the countryside. Tourism calls, so Cena and the camera crew check out a castle that’s been standing since 1112. While looking around, Cena finds what he thinks is the bathroom, where people did their “bidness”. Up on top of the castle, Cena compared the armaments and “crazy defense” of the castle to American (read: proper) football team the Pittsburgh Steelers. Cena must have been too “up in “ the castle, because he and the camera crew are asked to leave. Cena assures the woman in charge that he “ain’t gonna hate on (her).” Once out of the castle, Cena goes to meet Fit at the Dobbin’s Inn Hotel, which, like every other building in Ireland, contains a pub. It’s at this pub that Fit introduces Cena to a quaint, little-known beer known as Guinness. They toast. Fit drinks his down, while Cena gags on his first sip. He puts the full glass back on the bar and asks for a chocolate milk instead. Fit calls him a wuss. A wuss? Would a wuss roam the dangerous streets of Belfast to teach the youth? Yes, Cena takes his role as a WWE Superstar seriously. He went out to educate the children of Belfast in Thuganomics. Or is it Thugonomics? Anyway, the kids picked up on it and Cena called Belfast “great”. Fit Finlay got too drunk to comment, but will be rejoining the Smackdown crew in 5-7 months, good behavior permitting.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
No previews, so wild speculation rules the day: The Road Warriors audition for the new Mad Max film, Trish and Lita help me to define the word “polyamory”, highlights of the controversial Hulk Hogan vs Mr. America match, and From The Vault: Kennel In A Cell. All next week!