411’s WWE Confidential Report 06.28.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, YOU BETTER GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS BEFORE THEY GO THROUGH YOU
As will be obvious to regular readers, this week is chock full of halfassedness. The bad news is I started late, am really tired, and have nothing left in the tank. The good news is “Whale Rider” is a pretty good movie. I hope that makes it up to you. This week’s heading is from Sorry About Dresden off of “Saddle Creek 50”, the same anthology CD as last week. So pick it up already! Let’s do some Confidential…

SEGMENT #1: WWE CRIBS: REY MYSTERIO
Who is that jumpin’ out the house? R-E-Y, etc. etc. Yes, it’s teeny tiny WWE Superstar Rey Mysterio, showing off his nice big house in San Diego. Just like the “619” DVD (that this segment may just be outtakes from), Rey has his mask on the whole time. First rule in the Mysterio house is: take off your shoes! That’s pretty much the only rule, and Rey breaks it right out of the gate. Putting false modesty in a trap door, Rey shows off his trophy room, full of all sorts of memorabilia. If you can think of a wrestling artifact Rey might have been even tangentially associated with, it’s here. WCW match of the year plaque, early masks, action figures, magazine covers, the whole deal. Then the obligatory “here’s the living room we never use” bit, then some shots of Rey’s sword collection (three whole swords), and FINALLY we get to the heart of the piece. The kitchen. Hooray! Eggs! Cream puffs! Coronas! This is television at its most captivating! Out from the kitchen to the family room. Outside to the pool area. Back inside to the computer room. Baby Aalyah’s room, complete with own closet and bathroom. For a two year old? Dominic’s room, with slightly fewer He-Man toys than frequent Velocity/Confidential fill-in guy and so to be Birthday Boy Jimmy Hayes. The master bedroom, big screen TV and dozens of perfume and cologne bottles. Rey’s “pimp robe”. Small guy, massive ride. Rey drives an enormous white Hummer. And just when you think this segment’s over, Triple H shows up to unmask Rey! The mask is off! What will he look like? Oh, dear God. He’s Mexican! No es bueno! I kid. ЎViva Mexico!

SEGMENT #2: UNLEASHED IN THE EAST: THAILAND
If you can’t get Americans to come to house shows, peddle ‘em overseas. Dawn Marie and Funaki head to Thailand to promote the Unleashed In The East tour. Funaki’s barely in this. Dawn Marie checks out a marketplace, gets her fortune read, rides in a moped-led taxi, and enjoys a dinner accompanied by traditional dancing. On a related subject, here’s one of my favorite schoolyard jokes: “Do you know what the capital of Thailand is?” “No. What?” “BANGKOK!” (Hit friend in groin. Laugh.)

SEGMENT #3: GOOD OL’ BOOK TOUR
It’s a book signing, by gawd! Stacy Keibler and Jim Ross are signing “J.R.’s Cookbook” at the Virgin Megastore in Times Square quicker than a hiccup! Personalizing every fan’s copy must have broken JR’s wrist in half, clean in half! JR’s been from coast to coast on his most recent book tour. Well, let’s all throw a parade! JR would have to be crazier than a pet coon to think people didn’t just want to meet Stacy. “Momma didn’t raise no fool,” JR said, noting that more than 50% of attendees came to see that jezebel. Go Sooners!

SEGMENT #4: FROM THE VAULT: OWEN vs BRET
I don’t recap matches well. Luckily, 411Mania employs someone who does recap well: Patrick Brower, your Velocity recapper. He’s always wanted to recap this match, and I’ve always wanted to pawn off some of this column on well-meaning friends. Tonight, we both win. Here’s PB with the full recap in this Unofficial 411 WWE Saturday Half-Night Event.

Turnabout! Not a Sadie Hawkins dance, but dueling guest appearances in each others columns this week! W. Dal “graced” the opening paragraphs of this week’s Velocity Report and here am I, your trusted Velocity Recapper Patrick Brower, recapping one of my all-time favorite matches in this Confidential “From The Vault” segment. Bret Hart! Owen Hart! WrestleMania X! March 20, 1994! Madison Square Garden! My first ever at-home viewing of a pay-per-view! If I remember correctly, by brother George and I bought this one twice because it was so damn good! This is what got me into wrestling in the first place, so let’s get to the match! Keep in mind this is a Vault segment, so it will not be the entire match. Each new paragraph indicates where the action jumps.

BRET HART v. OWEN HART
Referee: Earl Hebner

Earl explains the rules. Owen paces, sternly. There’s the bell. They lock up. They immediately break the lock up. Owen cheers for himself. They circle. Lock up again. Fireman’s takedown by Owen. Head scissors by Bret. Owen kips up. More self-congratulatory cheering by Owen. Lock up. Waist lock by Bret. Suplex takedown by Bret. Owen tries to sit out but Bret doesn’t break his hold. Owen reaches the ropes. Owen screams at Bret. They circle and lock up. Owen goes behind for a side suplex takedown. Bret tries to escape via a sit out but this time Owen doesn’t lose his grip. Bret works to his feet and tries to pry Owen’s hands. Owen doesn’t let go. Bret runs to the ropes, ducking at the last second causing Owen to fly over him and out of the ring. Owen climbs back into the ring and slaps Bret in the face. Bret comes after him, but Owen sticks his head between the ropes so Bret has to back off.

Reversed Irish whip to the corner by Bret. Owen hops to the second rope and springboards onto Bret. Bret rolls thru and gets a 2-count on Owen. Forearm to the back of the head by Owen. Stomps by Owen. Camel clutch by Owen, but both of his feet are on the same side. Bret sits out and gets to his feet. Owen tries for a scoop slam but Bret shifts his weight. Bret lands on Owen in a cover. 2-count on Owen. Owen kicks out, rolling Bret out of the ring. Owen cheers himself again. Owen tries to bring Bret back into the ring with a vertical suplex, but Bret lands on his feet behind Owen in a waist lock. Owen reverses and hits a German suplex for a 2-count. Leg drop by Owen. 2-count on Bret. Headbutt by Owen. Vince says, “What a match up this is, ladies and gentlemen!” Owen tries for a suplex but Bret blocks it twice and counters with a roll-up for a 2-count. European uppercut by Owen. Reversed Irish whip by Bret. Bret catches Owen for a sidewalk slam but Owen flips out of it into tombstone piledriver on Bret. Owen goes to the top rope. Owen misses a top rope splash. Both men are down. Hebner starts the ten count. Both men recover by the count of five. Inverted atomic drop by Bret, followed by an off-the-ropes clothesline. 2-count on Owen. Irish whip by Bret into a punch to the gut. Side Russian leg sweep by Bret for a 2-count. Backbreaker by Bret and he goes to the ropes. Second rope elbow drop by Bret for another 2-count. Owen staggers to the corner. Enziguri by Owen. Owen tries for the Sharpshooter but Bret reverses it. Owen pulls Bret’s hair to break it. Eye poke by Owen. Standing underhook roll-up by Owen for a 2-count. Bret’s kick out sends Owen rolling out of the ring. Plancha by Bret over the top rope, but he lands hard on his left knee.

Piledriver on Owen. 2-count on Owen. Bret puts Owen on the top rope and climbs up. Top rope super-plex by Bret. Slow cover by Bret and Owen kicks out. Bret is visibly limping. European uppercut by Bret. And another. Sleeper by Bret. Owen makes it to the ropes and reverse kicks Bret in the crotch. Hebner doesn’t see it. Sharpshooter by Owen. Bret doesn’t quit. Bret powers out of it and reverses it. Owen grabs the ropes. Reversed whip to the corner by Owen and he charges. Bret gets a boot up. Bret climbs up on Owen’s shoulders for a victory roll. As Bret’s rolling thru it, Owen simply kneels down on Bret’s shoulders for the pin.

SEGMENT #5: MUCHMUSIC VIDEO AWARDS
As Peggy Hill from TV’s “King of the Hill” put it, “Canada: Not Just America’s Hat”. Trish Stratus and Chris Jericho are on hand at this year’s MuchMusic Video Awards, probably awarding trophies to Sum 41, Avril Lavigne and Rush. Maybe Loverboy. MuchMusic is Canada’s answer to MTV, these Video Awards are Canada’s answer to the VMA’s. Therefore, Trish and Y2J are Canada’s answers to Stifler and That Kid From Nsync. Yeah, alright. Canada wins. Anyway, such celebrities as David Draiman and Jamal Magloire were in attendance and I wouldn’t have known who they were without the onscreen graphics. The former is in Disturbed, while the latter plays for the New Orleans Hornets. Trish and Chris are presenting the most prestigious award of the night, the Best Video Award. But first, they have to interact with some weird looking puppet backstage. No, I don’t mean Carson Daly. That’s MTV, stupid. This is an actual puppet, made of plastic and foam. Hell, that still sounds like Carson. On with the show! Trish and Chris read off the winner… Fozzy! Nice try, Jericho. The real winner is Our Lady Peace. I don’t really know who they are, but I’m sure they enjoyed winning something. Everybody wins in Canada, I guess. Lousy communists. I kid. We love you crazy Canucks!

SEGMENT #6: OUTSIDE THE ROPES: CHRISTIAN
Coach. Christian. Ten questions. Paraphrasing.
1. If your haircuts cost $700, how much do you tip the stylist?
A: $700, but it doesn’t matter. He’s rich.
2. Is your short hair easier to take care of?
A: Definitely.
3. With your new look, which products do you feel you are better suited to endorsing?
A: Hair glue.
4. What do you think you’d get if you crossed a Peep with a Jerichoholic?
A: A peepoholic.
5. What makes your Peep Show better than other peepshows?
A: Christian as the host.
6. Who are some of your biggest Peeps?
A: They’re all his Peeps.
7. Have you ever eaten the candy Peeps?
A: No.
8. Do you have a favorite accessory combination?
A: Take your pick.
9. Who would win in a fight between you and Conquistador Number Two?
A: Tough fight, but Christian would win. He’d kill Conquistador Number One, though.
10. What can we expect from Christian in the near future?
A: Longest running IC champion.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
I’m going to say it’s a rerun. You can’t make Mean Gene work on a holiday weekend. Commercials will be new if the show’s a rerun. Something to look forward to, I suppose. Have a good week.