411’s WWE Confidential Report 07.26.03

REMEMBER: IF YOU SEE AND HEAR IT HERE, ARE YOU STILL THERE? IS THIS THING ON?
This week’s heading from The Promise Ring’s “Nothing Feels Good”. Busy weekend, so it’s going to be a quick recap. Does that mean Confidential isn’t getting the attention it deserves? Or is it finally getting EXACTLY as much attention as it deserves? You make the call. It’s Confidential!

SEGMENT #1: ZACH GOWEN, PART ONE OF TWO
Zach had a freak leg injury at age 9 that was continually misdiagnosed as something other than cancer. Eventually, it was found to be cancer. After unsuccessful chemotherapy, Zach was forced to have his left leg amputated before the cancer could spread. The surgery was a success, but would Zach recover emotionally? To be continued! Dun dun dun…

SEGMENT #2: UNLEASHED IN THE FAR EAST
Torrie Wilson tours a floating market in Thailand. It’s a market that’s got a canal running through it. Torrie gets pineapple, a hat, a purse and pets a snake. Remarkably dirty sounding, don’t you find? Meanwhile (or a few days later, who can tell) Version 1 and John Cena get some sushi in Japan. Matt advises of an upcoming class in Mattitude and Thugonomics, or “Mattonomics and Thugitude”. Very funny banter between Matt and John. Man, why aren’t these guys a tag team? They’d be hilarious! Cena calls the taste of sake “like hot garbage”, and Matt’s least favorite sushi dish is sea urchin. After their meal, Cena learns to prepare sushi. Matt likes the meal Cena makes. Cena calls himself “the next Benihana”. Good stuff.

SEGMENT #3: FROM THE VAULT
Spike Dudley picks the classic Lightning Kid (Sean Waltman, 1-2-3 Kid) upset over Razor Ramon (Scott Hall, The Defendant) from Raw on May 17, 1993. Randy Savage on color commentary?

SEGMENT #4: ZACH GOWEN, PART TWO OF TWO
After recovering from surgery and being fitted with his prosthesis, Zach went back to school and got back into sports. He started watching wrestling again, including what he calls his “favorite wrestling moment of all time,” the 1992 Royal Rumble. After graduating high school he went to train to be a pro wrestler under local teacher Truth Martini. After learning to wrestle he worked his way trough the minors to get to the WWE. And he did it all without mentioning NWA once. My favorite quote has to be this one: “I’m not some freak to be exploited, I’m a pro wrestler.” Well, if you want to have a semantic argument about the difference between an exploited freak and a pro wrestler…

SEGMENT #5: OUTSIDE THE ROPES: MICK FOLEY
Coach asks the Micker these ten questions, Mick’s answers are in parentheses for faster typing.
1) Does your wife take credit for your wardrobe? (Never)
2) What two colors make the best plaid? (Red and black)
3) Best rollercoaster park in North America? (Great Adventures: Six Flags)
4) If you had a coaster named after you, what would it be called? (“The Wide-Ass”)
5) What was more painful: being thrown off the top of the Hell In The Cell or watching Al Snow’s Hell In The Cell match? (Al’s match wasn’t painful, it was funny)
6) How many people do you know named Tietam? (None)
7) Your catchphrase is “Have A Nice Day.” What is Tietam Brown’s catchphrase? (“Hand me those condoms, ya little muskrat!”)
8) Who’s your favorite author and what’s your favorite quote? (John Irving, “Win, Rocky, win!”)
9) Is Mike Myers’ multiple character portrayals in the Austin Powers movies a rip-off of “The 3 Faces of Foley”? (“Not as much as the Hurricane’s entrance video is a rip-off of Dude Love’s.”)
10) The Rock has been called the next Arnold Schwarrzenegger. If Mick Foley went to Hollywood, he’d be called the next..? (Tex Cobb)

SEGMENT #6: BRADSHAW RERUN
The lowest of the low, an abbreviation of a rerun. From November 2002, it’s Bradshaw pimping his then-upcoming financial planning book, “Have More Money Now”. Why “then-upcoming”? Because it’s out now. Or soon. Something.

NEXT WEEK ON CONFIDENTIAL
Twice as long and half as funny (what’s half of zero?), as well as a new Confidential. Maybe.