411’s WWE Heat Report 02.12.06

Hey guys and gals, I’m Scott, and this is 411’s WWE Heat Report.

Another week, another episode of Heat. I’m here, you’re here, and amazingly, my fellow 411 Heat Reporter Jeff Small is STILL writing his Final Fantasy Heat Report. I hope that no one takes this the wrong way, but I seriously have to question whether writing both a Heat Report and a News Report every week is really in Small’s best interest. We each only have so much time in a week, and we have to balance that time between work, family, friends, and our commitments to this site. Sometimes that means we have to prioritize what is most important in each of those areas. Small, I think we both know that the Sunday Small-For-All News Report needs to be your main priority here at 411. News Reports are one of the biggest draws in the Wrestling Zone, and you’ve been given the honor of writing one of them. It’s an opportunity that every other writer in the wrestling zone would love to have, and I for one don’t want to see you waste it. Let me lay it all on the line for you. People actually READ your News Report, but I’m not sure the same can be said for your Heat Report. Let’s face it, there aren’t too many people that want to read an online report about an online show featuring wrestlers of questionable ability. I mean, I love reporting Heat, but that’s only because this is all that’s available to me. My Heat Report is all I have. This is my place on this site. I know my limitations, and I’m not going to try to surpass them. The thing is, Small, you don’t have the same limitations that I do. You were meant for bigger and better things. I’m just saying this as your friend. Focus on your News Report. Leave your Heat Report behind. There will always be guys like me to take care of the grunt work. You’re better than that, you’re better than me, and you’re better than Heat.

Anyway, I think we have some wrestling to discuss. You’re probably aware that Heat recently became available exclusively on WWE.com, and I think that this report should reflect that change. The new video-on-demand nature of Heat allows me to screen each episode for you while still allowing you to watch all or part of the show after reading my report. I want this column to be a resource to help you decide which segments are worth watching and which segments are worth skipping. However, I also want to cover each segment in detail for those of you who do not have the time, the desire, or the ability to watch Heat yourself. I’m going to try and meet both of these goals by separating this column into a preview and a review. The preview will include the title of each segment, the tag line for each segment, the running time for each segment, and the non-spoiler bottom line on whether or not the segment is worth watching. The review will include a detailed description of all of the action in each segment. Okay kids, enough with the boring stuff. Let’s get to the wrestling.

The Preview

Segment 1: Goldust vs. Cade
Tag Line: Goldust takes on Lance Cade in the opening match of Heat.
Running Time: 9:08
Bottom Line: One of these guys is past his prime, and the other guy was considered a detriment to TREVOR FREAKING MURDOCH’S career. Dude, this has “SKIP IT” written all over it.

Segment 2: Chavo vs. Parisi
Tag Line: Chavo Guerrero goes one on one with Johnny Parisi.
Running Time: 11:11
Bottom Line: I’ve got nothing but love for Chavo Guerrero, and Johnny Parisi looked remarkably motivated in his return to Heat. It’s probably not a Heat MOTYC, but it’s certainly worth checking out.

Segment 3: Mixed Tag Team
Tag Line: This past Monday on Raw, John Cena teamed up with Maria to take on Edge and Lita.
Running Time: 2:36
Bottom Line: Skip it if you saw the 02.06.06 episode of Raw.

Segment 4: Triple Threat
Tag Line: In a Triple Threat Elimination Match for a future title shot, the Heart Throbs vs. Snitsky & Tomko vs. Viscera & Venis.
Running Time: 10:34
Bottom Line: It’s a pretty good tag team match on its own merits, but it’s also the Heart Throbs’ final WWE match. I’ve really grown to enjoy the Throbs and their work in the ring, so I highly encourage you to dance with them one last time.

The Review

Segment 1: Goldust vs. Cade
(Goldust vs. Lance Cade)

We start off with the new WWE: The Power is Back video followed by the Heat opening video. Todd Grisham, alongside “the Coach” Jonathan Coachman, welcomes us to Heat. Shattered Dreams Productions in association with .24 Karat Pictures presents our opening contest. The Bizarre One makes his way through the curtain and slowly saunters down the ramp. I miss Marlena. She made me happy. That being said, I would mark like all hell if Goldust came out one week with Shelton’s Momma as his new manager. Can you imagine that woman covered in gold paint? She’d look like the freaking Times Square New Year’s Eve Ball. Anyway, Goldust climbs into the ring, hits the corner, and rips off the wig. Wow, that whole gimmick is alot more entertaining when Val Venis does it.

Lance Cade’s music hits, and the Jake Gylenhall to Trevor Murdoch’s Heath Ledger makes his way through the curtain and down the ramp. Cade climbs into the ring and immediately puts the bad mouth on Goldust. Hmm, that sounds like something that Goldust might actually enjoy. Cade hits the corner and gets just about no reaction from the crowd. Okay, I’m just sort of asking here, but who the hell is supposed to be the face in this match? I’m pretty sure that Cade has been a heel for the duration of this run, and Goldust has recently teamed up with Jonathan Coachman and Vader. I guess we’re going heel / heel here. That, um, is really never a good idea. Cade climbs down from the corner and loses the hat and coat. Both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

The crowd starts things off with a respectable chant of, “Goldust! Goldust!” Hey, I’ll play along. I guess that makes Goldust the face in this match. Cade desperately wants to start the action, but Goldust remains in his crouching position. Cade grows more and more agitated as Goldust calmly bides his time. Cade heads for Goldust, but Goldust catches him with a leaping clothesline. Cade immediately springs back to his feet and shoves Goldust in the chest. Goldust backs off and, um, shakes in Cade’s general direction. Cade heads for Goldust and the two men lock each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Cade muscles Goldust to the ropes, but Goldust spins Cade around and traps him in the corner. Cade immediately spins around and now has Goldust trapped in the corner. The referee forces the break and both mean head back to the middle of the ring. Goldust once again assumed his crouching position and is clearly getting inside Cade’s head.

Goldust stands up and the two men lock each other up in a second collar-and-elbow tie-up. Goldust transitions into a headlock on Cade, but Cade muscles Goldust back to the ropes. Cade whips Goldust to the opposite ropes and goes for the clothesline, but Goldust ducks underneath Cade’s arm. Goldust hits the opposite ropes, Cade spins around and again goes for the clothesline, but Goldust once again ducks underneath Cade’s arm. Goldust his the ropes a third time, Cade spins around and drops his head to telegraph the back body drop, and Goldust drops to his knees to punch Cade in the face. Cade falls to the mat and rolls to the ring apron for a breather.

Cade sits on the ring apron to collect his thoughts, but Goldust reaches over the top rope and grabs Cade by the hair. Goldust stretches Cade over the top rope and gives him two elbow shots to the forehead. Goldust turns and hits the opposite ropes while Cade slumps back down to the ring apron. Goldust charges back towards Cade, drops down, slides under the bottom rope, and lands on his feet on the arena floor in front of Cade. Goldust punches Cade in the face and Cade stumbles backwards through the ropes and back into the ring. Goldust climbs back into the ring while Cade crawls to the corner and uses the ropes to get back to his feet. Goldust charges towards Cade in the corner, but Cade get his boot up and drops Goldust with a kick to the face. Cade follows up with nine mounted punches to the fallen Goldust. Cade drags Goldust to his feet, guides him back to the middle of the ring, whips him to the ropes, and drops him with a back elbow shot to the head. Cade covers Goldust but only get a two count before Goldust gets a shoulder up.

Cade gets back to his feet and begins to twist on Goldust’s neck. The crowd gets behind the Bizarre One with a sudden chant of, “Goldust! Goldust!” I’m still having a hard time accepting Goldust as the face in the match, but I guess that’s just the way things are going to be. Goldust fights to his feet and breaks the hold with three elbow shots to Cade’s gut. Cade gives Goldust a clubbing forearm shot to the brake the breaks Goldust’s momentum. Cade hits the ropes, charges towards Goldust, and goes for the clothesline, but Goldust blocks Cade’s arm and punches Cade in the face. Goldust gives Cade four more punches to the face, feels himself up, and drops Cade with an elbow to the forehead. Cade springs back to his feet and stumbles right into an inverted atomic drop from Goldust. Cade takes a swing at Goldust, but Goldust ducks the punch and counters with an atomic drop. Cade stumbles to the ropes, bounces off of them, and wanders backwards towards Goldust. Goldust sets up Cade for the Curtain Call, but Cade fights out and whips Goldust to the ropes. Cade once again drops his head to telegraph the back body drop, but Goldust locks his knees around Cade’s head and jumps up to rattle Cade’s brain. Goldust once again sets up Cade for the Curtain Call, and this time he connects. Goldust covers Cade and gets the three count. Strange as it may be, the crowd is actually cheering. Hey, they bought their tickets, I guess they have the right.

We move on to a backstage promo from the Heart Throbs concerning tonight’s Main Event Triple Threat Elimination Tag Team Match for a future shot at the World Tag Team Championship.

Antonio: “Good evening, WWE!”

Romeo: “How are you today?”

Antonio: “He’s Romeo!”

Romeo: “He’s Antonio!”

Antonio and Romeo: “And we’re the Heart Throbs!”

Antonio: “And right here on Heat, Triple Threat Elimination Match with the winners walking out with a future shot at the World Tag Team Championship.”

Romeo: “You know something, Antonio?”

Antonio: “What, Romeo?”

Romeo: “We have alot of big, big opponents in this match tonight. The odds? They’re not exactly stacked in our favor.”

Antonio and Romeo seem quite downtrodden, but Antonio slaps Romeo across the chest to bolster his spirits.

Romeo: “But we’ve got a news flash for everybody. Being big doesn’t make somebody good. Being GOOD makes somebody good. And right here on Heat, we’re going to find out just how good you guys really are.”

Antonio: “Cause Val and Vis, Tyson and Gene, have not fear, the Throbs are on the scene. We’ll walk down that ramp, with our tear-away pants, and walk back up it, with a future shot to become the tag team champs.”

Romeo: “And when it’s all said and done, all the blood has been shed, when it’s all said and done, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.”

Antonio: “Dot, dot, dot.”

Romeo: “The Heart Throbs will leave everybody saying –”

Antonio: “Whoa, whoa, whoa.”

Romeo: “Our opponents screaming –”

Antonio: “No, no, no.”

Romeo: “And all the ladies screaming –”

Antonio and Romeo: “Oh, oh, oh.”

We finish up with the “Big Time” commercial for Wrestlemania 22 on 04.02.06.

Match Result: Goldust defeats Lance Cade with the Curtain Call.
Match Length: 3:51
Best Spot: Goldust’s Curtain Call, by default

Segment 2: Chavo vs. Parisi
(Chavo Guerrero vs. Johnny Parisi)

We’re back on Heat, and we start off with a backstage promo from Tyson Tomko and Gene Snitsky concerning tonight’s Main Event Triple Threat Elimination Tag Team Match for a future shot at the World Tag Team Championship.

Snitsky: “Tomko, tonight you and I have the opportunity of a lifetime. If we win this three-way tag match tonight, we’re the number one contenders for the World Tag Team Titles.”

Tomko: “That’s right, we will be, buddy.”

Snitsky: “Yeah. But you know what? I got a problem.”

Tomko: “What’s the problem?”

Snitsky: “Well you’re the Problem Solver, right? Every time I get my toenails painted, they stick to the top of my socks.”

Tomko: “Come on Snitsky, you just said it. We’ve got the opportunity of a lifetime.”

Snitsky: “But –”

Tomko: “We can be the World Tag Team Champions if we win this match tonight.”

Snitsky: “That sounds good.”

Tomko: “Are you ready for this?”

Snitsky: “Am I ready for this?”

Tomko: “I’m ready!”

Snitsky: “Yeah!”

Tomko: “Yeah!”

Snitsky: “Yeah!”

Tomko: “Yeah!”

Snitsky: “Yeah! So, you going to help me with that problem?”

Tomko: “Win the match, then we’ll worry about your toes.”

Okay then. With that, um, business out of the way we’re ready for our second match of the evening. “Ooh, Ooh, Chavo!” Chavo Guerrero’s music hits, and the man himself makes his way through the curtain and down the ramp. You know, I was going to say something about the way the Eddie Guerrero’s name and legacy are being used in WWE right now, but I’m too sick of this shit to even formulate a coherent thought. Seriously, we all know that Vince McMahon can be maniacal, devious, conniving, and more than a bit out of touch with conventional morality and good taste, but this shit he’s been pulling with Eddie Guerrero is absolutely insane, even by McMahon standards. Screw it. I’ve got some actual wrestling to talk about. Guerrero climbs into the ring, hits the corner, and gets some love from the crowd.

Somebody’s completely generic ring music hits, and HOLY SHIT! It’s Johnny Parisi! I seriously though he’d been fired or something. I mean, I’m a freaking Heat Reporter, so I’m one of the few guys in the world that should actually know if Parisi is still working for WWE. Wow. Johnny freaking Parisi. Actually, why the hell am I so excited? Parisi sucks. And not in the good Kurt Angle kind of way. Todd Grisham explains that Parisi had asked for some time off so that he could hit the gym and work on his technique. Okay, fine, I’m really too tired to argue with you at this point, Todd. Parisi climbs into the ring and talks some trash to the crowd. It looks like both men are ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

The crowd starts things off with a big chant of, “Eddie! Eddie!” Guerrero and Parisi circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Guerrero quickly slides behind Parisi and wraps his arms around Parisi’s waist, but Parisi reverses the hold, slides behind Guerrero, and wraps his arms around Guerrero’s waist. Guerrero reaches around and wraps his arm around Parisi’s head before throwing Parisi to the mat to break the hold. Guerrero springs back to his feet while Parisi scoots over to the ropes. Parisi climbs to his feet while Guerrero bids his time.

Guerrero and Parisi circle each other for a second time before locking each other up in a second collar-and-elbow tie-up. Guerrero sends Parisi down to the mat with a single-leg takedown before locking in an arm bar. Parisi fights back to his feet, but Guerrero hangs on to Parisi’s arm and flips Parisi back down to the mat. Guerrero drops his elbow onto Parisi’s upper arm before locking in a key lock. Parisi once again fights back to his feet, so Guerrero releases the key lock and transitions into a headlock on Parisi. Parisi muscles Guerrero to the ropes and whips him to the opposite ropes to break the hold, but Guerrero comes off the ropes and drops Parisi with a shoulder block. Guerrero hits the ropes and leaps over Parisi while Parisi climbs back to his feet. Guerrero spins around and sends Parisi back down to the mat with a deep arm drag. Both men immediately spring back to their feet, but Guerrero sends Parisi back down to the mat with a second deep arm drag. Guerrero hangs on to Parisi’s arm and locks in an arm bar. Parisi fights back to his feet and breaks the hold with a knee to Guerrero’s ribs. Parisi whips Guerrero to the corner and charges after him, but Guerrero floats over and lands on his feet behind Parisi. Parisi slams chest first into the top turnbuckle, spins around, and sees Guerrero charging towards him. Parisi just manages to slide out of the way, and Guerrero slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle. Guerrero is clearly in pain as he staggers back to the middle of the ring. Parisi continues the assault on Guerrero’s torso with three knee shots to Guerrero’s gut. Parisi whips Guerrero to the ropes and then connects with what can only be called the world’s most half-assed spear. Seriously, Parisi just made Edge look like Rhino. Anyway, Guerrero sells like a champ, so no harm was done. Guerrero staggers backwards and slumps down in the corner. Parisi brings Guerrero to his feet and whips him to the ropes. Parisi ducks his head to telegraph the back body, so Guerrero leaps over him and connects with a sunset flip. Guerrero has Parisi pinned but only gets a two count before Parisi kicks out.

Guerrero and Parisi quickly get back to their feet. Guerrero charges towards Parisi, but Parisi catches Guerrero with a high knee to the gut that sends Guerrero back down to the mat. Parisi pins Guerrero but only gets a one count before Guerrero kicks out. Parisi grabs Guerrero’s arm and give him three more knee shots to the ribs. Parisi rolls Guerrero to his back and stomps away on his chest. Guerrero manages to grab the ropes, but Parisi continues his assault. Parisi uses the top rope to balance himself as he stands on Guerrero’s chest. Parisi finally gives Guerrero a breather at the referee’s behest. Guerrero rolls to the corner and slowly climbs to his feet. Parisi heads for Guerrero, but Guerrero kicks him in the gut. Guerrero follows up with a second kick to Parisi’s gut, but Parisi retaliates with a knee to the already damaged ribs of Guerrero. Parisi locks in an abdominal stretch on Guerrero to further work over Guerrero’s damaged ribs. Guerrero feeds off the energy from the crowd, fights out of the hold, and flips Parisi down to the mat. Parisi springs back to his feet and takes a swing at Guerrero, but Guerrero blocks the punch and connects with a punch of his own. Parisi again tries to punch Guerrero, but Guerrero once again blocks the punch and connects with a punch of his own. Guerrero follows up with two more punches and an uppercut that levels Parisi. Guerrero hits the ropes while Parisi climbs back to his feet. Guerrero comes off the ropes and connects with a tilt-o-whirl head-scissors takedown. Parisi had alot of trouble selling that move and damn near spiked himself there. I was almost started to be impressed by Parisi’s performance tonight, but that was just all kinds of sloppy. Okay, even Todd Grisham just pointed out that Parisi almost broke his neck just then. Anyway, both men immediately regain their vertical base, but Guerrero quickly sends Parisi back down to the mat with a drop toe hold. Guerrero hits the ropes, Parisi climbs to his hands and knees, and Guerrero connects with a basement drop kick to Parisi’s ribs. Guerrero covers Parisi but only gets a two count before Parisi kicks out.

Both men slowly climb to their feet and Guerrero immediately kicks Parisi in the gut. Guerrero lifts Parisi and goes for the scoop slam, but Parisi floats over and lands on his feet behind Guerrero. Guerrero turns around and is met with a knee to the ribs from Parisi. Parisi lifts Guerrero and drops Guerrero ribs-first across his knee. Todd Grisham calls that move a backbreaker, but it wasn’t. Guerrero would have been facing upwards so that his back was driven into Parisi’s knee in order for the move to be a backbreaker. Instead, Guerrero was facing Parisi so that his ribs were driven into Parisi’s knee. I guess you can call that a rib-breaker if you’d like. Anyway, Parisi covers Guerrero but only gets a two count before Guerrero kicks out.

Parisi rolls Guerrero to his stomach and give him eight punches to the ribs. Parisi grabs Guerrero by the face and grinds Guerrero’s head into the mat. Parisi drags Guerrero to his feet and goes for a standing suplex, but Guerrero kicks his feet and prevents the move. Guerrero then tries to suplex Parisi, but his ribs are too damages to complete the move. Guerrero charges towards Parisi and goes for the clothesline, but Parisi ducks underneath Guerrero’s arm. Parisi slides behind Guerrero and wraps his arms around Guerrero’s waist, but Guerrero breaks the hold with an elbow shot to Parisi’s head. Guerrero charges to the corner and goes for the moonsault press. Parisi runs underneath Guerrero and slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle while Guerrero lands on his feet. Parisi turns around and is met with a kick to the gut from Guerrero. Guerrero connects with a DDT and Parisi is out cold in the middle of the ring. Guerrero climbs out to the ring apron, ascends to the top turnbuckle, points to the Heavens, and connects with the Frog Splash. Guerrero covers Parisi and gets the three count. Guerrero’s music hits as the referee raises his hand in victory. Guerrero continues to sell the rib injury even after the match. Good stuff there. Actually, good stuff from both guys throughout the entire match.

We move on to a backstage promo from Val Venis and Viscera concerning tonight’s Main Event Triple Threat Elimination Tag Team Match for a future shot at the World Tag Team Championship.

Viscera (singing): “Ooh, baby. What’s up Val? How you doin’, daddy?”

Venis: “Big Vis, what’s going on man?”

Viscera: “You know what’s going down tonight, don’t you?”

Venis: “Oh yeah.”

Viscera: “I am so excited. FINALLY, a triple threat elimination tag match for a GUARENTEED shot at the World Tag Team Championship. I’ve been a World Tag Team Champion before, so have you, but it’s time for V-Squared to climb that mountaintop together and grasp the World Tag Team Championship. What do you think, daddy?”

Venis: “I’m with you, Big Vis, I am definitely with you, but first, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for a long time now.”

Viscera: “Shoot.”

Venis: “You know it’s been a long time since the Big Valbowski has wrapped gold around this waist.”

Viscera: “Way too long. Way too long.”

Venis: “Way too long, man, way too long. And quite frankly, since you and I have been tagging, we’ve been on quite a roll.”

Viscera: “You’re damn right we have.”

Venis: “In fact, since I’ve been tagging up with you, you have helped instill more confidence in the Big Valbowski than I’ve had for a long, long time.”

Viscera: “Wow.”

Venis: “And I promise you this, Vis. When I climb into that ring, I will not do so with anything less on my mind than absolute victory.”

Viscera: “Yes.”

Venis: “When it’s all said and done, and the dust is settling to the ground, you and I will grab all them chicks, we’ll throw them in the limousine, we’ll take that long ride over to Double V Studios, we’ll flick on the lights, we’ll flick on the cameras, and we’ll flip on the action.”

We finish up with a commercial for the new Bloodsport: ECW’s Most Violent Matches DVD. Mmm… ECW… ECW makes me happy.

Match Result: Chavo Guerrero defeats Johnny Parisi with the Frog Splash.
Match Length: 5:38
Best Spot: Guerrero’s tilt-o-whirl head-scissors takedown, but mostly because of the insane way that Parisi sold the move

Segment 3: Mixed Tag Team
(Highlights of John Cena & Maria vs. Edge & Lita in a Mixed Tag Team Match)

This segment is just a video package featuring highlights of John Cena & Maria vs. Edge & Lita in a Mixed Tag Team Match.

Derek Martin covered these events in his 02.06.06 411’s WWE Raw Report.
J.D. Dunn covered these events in his 02.06.06 RAWtopsy.

We finish up with a commercial for Rob Van Dam’s feature article in the new issue of Raw Magazine.

Segment 4: Triple Threat
(The Heart Throbs vs. Gene Snitsky & Tyson Tomko vs. Viscera & Val Venis in a Triple Threat Elimination Match for a future shot at the World Tag Team Championship)

Okay kids, let me level with you. I’ve been busy as all get out today and I just don’t have time tonight to do the full review of this match. So here’s the deal. I’m going to post the column as it stands tonight, but I’ll write up this match in the morning and update the column. I know you Val Venis fans are out there, and you know I won’t keep you hanging for long.

Match Result: Viscera defeats Gene Snitsky with the Viscera Drop.
Match Length: 7:15
Best Spot: Venis’ sit-out Proto-Bomb

Okay kids, that’s it for this edition of Heat. Hope you had fun. Feel free to email me with any comments or suggestions. I’ll see you back here next weekend.