411’s WWE RAW Report 3.30.20

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Hey all! I hope this finds you well! Or well enough! Time for another two hours of shit we’ve already seen!

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A couple of weeks ago, The Undertaker and his ponytail beat some ass while AJ questions who he is. AJ wants The Undertaker from Yesteryear, so expect some purple lightening tonight.

The Undertaker cuts a promo backstage, calling AJ by his full name and says he’s got a big mouth, but not a big set. AJ’s mouth is cashing checks his ass can’t cash. Taker has heard a lot worse from far better, and although there is some truths to what AJ is saying – maybe 10 -15 years ago, he wouldn’t try them and that’s the truth. He was content in being a little fish in a small pond cuz he couldn’t contend with Austin, Rock, Eddie, Booker, Edge, the very best. The Phenomenal one, his ass. He waited till they were all gone – except for Taker. Taker will be the first to admit, he has far more behind him than he does in front of him, but “Allen” stepped into something there’s no coming back from. All the things AJ said, he gets it – it’s business, but he crossed the line when he mentioned “her.” AJ’s pride is playing games – he’s made because she does the Faithbreaker better than he does the Styles Clash. She got it over. He’s going to pay the ultimate price. He will pay the price in a boneyard. If AJ wants to be relevant, who better ot make that happen than The Undertaker…try him. He’ll make AJ famous. He hopes Gallows and Anderson comes too, so that all three feel the wrath of the unholy trinity he is bringing. They will feel the pain, they will get hurt, and they will suffer. Most importantly, they will rest in peace.

Becky is a douche this week, complete with her face-adorned truck.

She’s live and in the PC with her title held high.

We get a recap of Becky cheap-shotting Shayna from behind last week then opts to cut a live promo to a live crowd that doesn’t exist. She brings up last year, fighting two champions in one match. The stakes couldn’t have been higher – she talked a lot of trash and attacked both irls any chance she got. She’s been walking that tight rope ever since. Would you like to take a look?

Well too bad, cuz I think we’re getting the entire match.

Let’s go to Pantoja’s report for the full match:

WWE Raw and Smackdown Women’s Championships: Charlotte [c] vs. Ronda Rousey [c] vs. Becky Lynch
Charlotte arrived in a helicopter. It was cool. Ronda had a live performance of her theme. It wasn’t good. Becky got a subdued entrance. She didn’t need flash but she looked magnificent. The women didn’t immediately attack, looking to size each other up. Ronda started hot but was taken out to give us more of the Becky/Charlotte rivalry. There was a great double hanging armbar spot that ended when Ronda took a NASTY bump on the floor. I loved Ronda no selling Charlotte chops and saying, “YOU CHOP LIKE A BITCH” and then Charlotte just chopped her in the face. Great stuff. We finally got the Ronda/Becky faceoff we’ve wanted since November. Becky instantly put her in the Dis-Arm-Her but Ronda used the ropes to help power out of the hold. I’m glad it wasn’t a rope break in a No DQ match. Becky nearly died on the big Spanish Fly spot Charlotte has been using lately. Becky brought in a table, but Ronda turned it over and just used her hands as a weapon. That’s so good. In the end, Becky and Ronda just started throwing hands and it was fantastic. Ronda picked Becky up on her shoulders but Becky countered into a pin to win both titles in 21:27. I love that finish. Reminded me of the finish at Unbreakable 2005 where they did a bunch of wild stuff and it ended on a flash pin of sorts. I would have preferred a more decisive or submission finish, but this makes sense to set up things down the line. Still, the match itself was great. Hard hitting, great pacing, and some solid drama. [****¼]

Did Cole call it ‘MAN-ia?” Idiot.

So, I guess Becky has been chillin there this whole time. She says that since this match happened, a lot of people have tried to take her title. Shayna thinks she’s different – a killer. She said taking this title would destroy becky, and she’s right. We all get into this business to slay demons and proe things, and Becky has no problem admitting that she doesn’t know who she is without being the champ, but don’t think Becky doesn’t know about Shaynas demons either.

She could see that Becky is getting to her, like all the rest that shes faced. She will come in fighting form emotion, hoping she will finally do the one thing that her pal Ronda couldn’t do. That’s Shayna’s demon. Becky can see it now; the relief and exhilaration if she beats her, as if for once she will steal Ronda’s spotlight, instead of the other way around. She’ll be seen as the world-class athlete that she is, or she loses and gets put back in Ronda’s shadow. So who will really be destroyed by losing?

Shayna creeps up from below to lock in the clutch. Shayna sends Becky face-first into the announce booth then removes her jacket. She grabs Becky by the feet, pulls her up for a powerbomb, but swings her into the side of the announce booth instead. Shayna grabs the title and drops it onto Becky then stares at her for a very uncomfortable amount of time.

Aleister Black faces a jobber who is seemingly confused that he sits cross-legged in the middle of the ring – you know, like he’s been doing for a while now. Black wins with Black Mass.

Before the following match, Zelina Vega comes out with Garza to tell us that Andrade has suffered a serious injury to his ribs and has been declared medically unable to compete. However, she has access to the hottest young talent, and just like she brought in Garza, she has another person. The 22-year old sensation and the hottest free agent, Austin Theory.

Match 2: Kevin Owens and The Street Profits vs Seth Rollins, Angel Garza, and Austin Theory
Theory and Owens to start. Owens with a right hand to the face. cChop to the corner. Rights in the corner and a tag to Angelo. Tag to Ford. Shoulder tackle and Dawkins drops ord onto Theory. Garza runs in and we get a flapjack ONTO Theory. Ford hits the ropes. Ford dives over the top rope to the outside.

We come back to Theory rolling through the ropes into a dropkick. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Tag to Ford who comes in with a clothesline then sends Garza to the outside. Suplex to Theory. Rollins tags himself in. Splash rom Dawkins, he gets sent out, trucks Garza, riolls back in the ring. Shoulder tackle to Theory, but in comes Seth with a Superkick. Rollins chokes up Ford on the 2nd rope then Garza kicks him as the ref is distracted. Tag from Theory who comes in to punch the mid section. Seth cheap shots then heads to the outside. Austin works the back of Angelo and stomps the back. Chinlock from behind. Tag to Garza, who comes in and locks in the Camel Clutch. Seth in. He oes for a Superkick, but Dawkins catches it and kicks the soul out of Seth. Tag to Owens, but Seth runs to tag in Garza. Chop to Garza, right hand, chop, riht hand, whip , kick from Garza, but Owens hits a clothesline then a senton to Garza. Cannonball to Garza. Owens to the top rope. Senton off the top! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Theory in to stop the pin. Ford in to kick him in the back of the head. Ford is hyped. He flies over the top rope and lands RIGHT ON HIS FUCKING BACK!!! FORD IS NUTS!!!!!

Garza rolls up Owens for 1..2..NO!!! STUNNER to Garza! Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: Kevin Owens and The Street Profits

Match Quality:
Personal Enjoyment:
Total Rating:

Rollins stomps Owens immediately after the match.

Owens cuts a promo after the commercial. He says Seth kicked some sense into him, no pun intended. After what just happened, Owens has a lot to say and he knows Seth is watching – so listen up. Last Monday, Seth walked around and said he never trained here, but this building was built because of Seth and everyone should be thankful. This was built on his back, but Owens has heard otherwise. This place was built despite Seth. The moment he set foot in Tampa, he was a nightmare to deal with. He knew everything about everything, was better than everyone else, no one could stand ihm. These past few months, he’s done an outstanding job proving that they were right. Seth is an arrogant dipshit. Owens is aware of his past, of his reputation, because of his path, but the difference is that Owens is not delusional. Seth talked about all the Mania moments, said that when it comes to Mania, he’s a God and that owens is just a disappointment. Those words stung; they stayed with him. But when he was at home, it occurred to him how askewed his vision was. Owens can claim the same accolades. He’s been IC Champ, US Champ, he has been Universal Champion well before Seth. Those Mania moments. Owens is man enough to admit he didn’t get them on his own. He had someone watching his back or helping for each – one way or another, and so did Seth.

Owens says those Mania moments he’s proud of, he has always had backup or found some underhanded way to get what he wanted. He needs to be honest with himself. The only thing Seth said that makes sense is that when Seth got to the WWE that nothing he accomplished beforehand mattered, and that will never be more true than come Saturday. Owens says this Saturday, he will show Seth that he is not a prophet, a messiah, or a God, when he beats Seth and takes his first Mania moment from Seth. This Saturday, he will be the one to burn it down.

Backstage, Edge cuts a promo after a nice little video package for his Mania match.

He brings up Adam Copeland being a junkie and how Randy is probably right. It’s not ego thing, though, he just loves the feeling that happens in an arena – the explosion when his music hits – the connection and intensity, because he is one of us. He came from us. We are all junkies for this. As a 13 year old kid sitting 11th row, Hogan v Warrior – that was – if you’re not a junkie for this, then you’re just taking up space. In his way.

Grit. Clearly, they have different definitions of this word. To Orton, grit seems to be hand-picked by Evolution. Resting on the laurels of their family name. Coasting. Just ok with being ok. To him, Grit is the type of man that will reach down into that hole to pull someone out who doesn’t deserve it – refusing to be a part of Evolution cuz he didn’t wanna be someone’s lacky. Grit is figuring out every day for nine years how to get back here. He was mistaken – wrong. He said that orton was jealous of Edge, but he’s not. He’s jealous of his passion. Orton will never fabricate it. He has it or he doesn’t, and Edge does. The only time Orton has it is when he is pushed, and everyone sees it but Orton. He insprires the passion, and the feeling scares Orton. Orton is a junkie for the way that Edge makes him feel. The voices in his head are afraid of his feeling. Orton messed up when he put his hands on Beth and uttered the names of his daughters. Orton accepted a Last Man Standing Match with a man who will dive face-first into a flaming table full of thumbtacks just to grab the torch that Orton took for granted. Orton dug himself another hole.

Match 3: Asuka vs Kayden Carter
Asuka squashes her.

Winner: ASuka

Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

We get some footage from earlier today when Rhea Ripley was causally walking. Charlotte decides to kick her into a wall. She tells the “rookie” that she will see her at Wrestlemania.

Rhea gets up slowly, reaching for her teeth, because that was apparently her from the arm kick.

We get a replay of Brock vs Rey from SS. Here’s Larry’s take on it:

<bNO DQ WWE Title Match: WWE Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Rey Mysterio:
Rey gets his pipe so Brock powders. Rey chases and Brock cuts him off with body shots. He then hits clotheslines and dumps Rey, and slides him across announce tables. Brock then overhead belly to bellys him onto the table and pummels him at ringside. He post Rey but Rey counters the F5 and posts Brock. Brock is back up and starts hitting Germans. Dominic appears to throw in the towel, Brock refuses and Rey low blows Brock. Dominic low blows him as well and Rey follows with pipe shots. Dominic lays in chair shots and the double 619 follows, Dominic hits a frog splash and Rey hits one as well for 2. Brock Germans Dominic, F5 to Rey and that’s all.
Champion Brock Lesnar defeated Rey Mysterio @ 6:50 via pin [***] While far from great, it was certainly fun and gave us a brief tease of Rey winning after Dominic, who apparently learned to cheat from his father Eddie, got involved; it was good.

Yay.

Lesnar and Heyman are here to collect a check. Heyman stands behind Brock as he leans on the ropes with his title, staring at the hard cam. Heyman hates to be the one to pull back the curtain on the industry, but sounds like he just might do that. This is the final segment of the final RAW before Mania, the most unique Mania of all time. We are all living through the most unique time in our lifetimes together. They all this the “go-home” segment on the “go-home” Raw. Who stands here on the past twenty years? Brock. Why is that? Because year in and year out, at Mania, Brock is the beast to slay. He is the one to beat on the single biggest show of the year. This year, Drew McIntyre has truly stepped up. His compliments to Drew. Why? Because Drew is that special. Compared to the guy on the street or that guy in the gym, or even the guys in that locker room, Drew is that special. The Rock was also special. The Undertaker was special, too. None of them could do anything against brock. Now that Brock knows the Claymore kick is coming to them, one of two things will happen.Either Brock will avoid it, or he will eat it and find out if the Claymore Kick can take down Brock Lesnar.

Brock smirks.

Heyman has something for us – an absolute guarantee. Next year on the go-home segment on the go-home RAW, before Mania, it will be Brock standing here ith the title over his shoulder, and Heyman will be talking about how Drew had a great story to tell – his more compelling than others – got beaten FUGLY at the 2020 Mania by Brock Lesnar because this year at mania, Drew walks in SPECIAL and walks out just like everybody else.

Nothing more than Brock’s Bitch.