411’s WWE Smackdown Report 06.23.05

Hi everybody! It’s Steve Cook once again filling in for Nick Marsico. He is at his brother’s high school graduation, which is a pretty big deal since they’ve been waiting seven years for it. I kid the Marsicos…I’m sure they’re all great people. Since he’s there, I’m here to do your basic run of the mill Smackdown recap this evening.

Well, it’s not quite that simple. My inside sources tell me that 411 has generated a lot of traffic today from users of Fark.com clicking over here for an article Ashish posted on Lindsay Lohan. Ashish has been all over Lohan and her news for years, and it’s starting to pay off now. So since a lot of our visitors today are probably obsessed with the teen screen queen, I thought I would cater to their desires by including some pictures in the recap.

As you can tell, Lindsay is happy to see me and will enjoy presenting her reaction to each match on tonight’s card.

Let’s get it started!

We open to a Rey Mysterio/Eddie Guerrero video…how will it end? Well, it usually ends with Eddie looking like a complete bitch, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it ended like that.

For those of you scoring at home (or even if you’re alone) both Chris Benoit and Randy Orton have been added to the Drowning Pool opening, with John Cena, Kurt Angle and Carlito nowhere to be seen.

We’re in Tucson, AZ, where I happen to have some family! Michael Cole & Tazz are the hosts.

And here comes Randy Orton to immediately put me in a crappy mood. To sum it up, he can’t talk, his music sucks, and I hope this doesn’t last long. He says his reputation preceded him, and that he has the reputation being a legend killer. Only if you consider Rochelle a legend. He’s made a career out of making history, and runs through the laundry list of people he’s beat. Which is really funny when you remember him complaining about Triple H doing the same thing before the Royal Rumble. He blames his loss at WrestleMania 21 on his injury, but claims he got his revenge last week. Roll that beautiful bean footage! Apparently he RKOed the Undertaker about 10 times last week…well, that or they showed the same damn move over and over again. Soon after this the lights go out and we get our usual Undertaker shenanigans, complete with video of Randy Orton getting tombstoned over and over again. That was pretty cool. We hear a gong and then Undertaker appears in the ring! Orton falls on his ass and gets out of Dodge, then makes the rookie mistake of still talking while walking away. This is a big mistake because then Undertaker tries to hit him with a lightning bolt. I wish I was making that up. We then go to commercial.

Joey Mercury (w/Johnny Nitro & Melina) vs. Heidenreich

You gotta love the MNM entrance, especially Melina’s part. I don’t see many girls bending like that, that’s for sure. Apparently last week Melina refused to be Heidenreich’s friend, which resulted in a cat fight with her and Michelle McCool and a Snapshot for Heidenreich. Needless to say, Heidenreich is not in the mood to make friends. He gets the early advantage with some punches and a back body drop on Mercury. Heidenreich lands some clotheslines before Nitro tries to trip him up. Nitro gets booted off the apron, but Mercury gets the advantage with some elbows, hitting a neckbreaker for 2. Kneedrop by Mercury followed by a rest hold, Heidenreich fights out with an arm drag, Mercury hits a clothesline, but Heidenreich starts Reiching up, BROTHER! Inverted atomic drop by Heidenreich, then he clotheslines Mercury over the top! Melina up on the apron now, and she slaps Heidenreich! Bad idea, honey…she backs off only to meet a flying Thez press from Michelle McCool! CAT FIGHT! CAT FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! While that’s going on, Nitro sneaks in the ring and super kicks Heidenreich! Mercury covers and gets the 3 count.

Your winner: Joey Mercury

Lindsay’s reaction:

Of course Lindsay’s down with MNM…they’re close friends. Melina is not nearly as happy though.

Earlier tonight, Rey Mysterio revealed that Eddie Guerrero opened up a side of him he didn’t know existed. He’s not looking for a victory tonight, he’s looking for redemption.

When we return from commercial, Mercury & Nitro are celebrating backstage while Melina is still pissed. Michelle isn’t even a B-list diva! Melina wants some of Michelle next week, and declares that after next week Michelle will be known as Michelle McLoser! Loser or not, I’d still hit it.

And now for something completely different…JBL and Theodore Long discuss this “Smackdown Title”. JBL wants it, but Long teases him by saying there will be a major announcement later tonight. Apparently the draft pick is in Long’s office, but we don’t get to see who it is.

WWE Cruiserweight Title match:

Paul London (c) vs. Chavo Guerrero

These guys are still feuding? Well I’ll be damned. I wrote down a bunch of stuff when I watched this, but there really wasn’t much of consequence that happened before the end…there was a nice little rana by London, and he knocked Chavo outside and was about to do something cool until some salsa music started playing and Juventud, Psicosis, and Super Crazy rode out on a rather large lawn mower. Well, that’s something I haven’t seen before. Psicosis throws Chavo into the steps and does a senton onto him as Juventud and Crazy hit the ring and beat down London. Psicosis then snatches the bell from the timekeeper and starts ringing it. A lot funnier than it sounds, trust me on this. Crazy moonsaults London, then Psicosis goes up on the other side and hits the guillotine legdrop! Give Juventud a microphone! He talks some smack about the gringos and says that they’re tired of only being used for cleaning toilets and cutting grass. Their lawnmower is called the Mexican Limo 2005. They’re going to take over Smackdown, the USA and the Cruiserweight division, and they’re not Mexicans, they’re Mexicools. Crazy waves the flag and heads over towards the Mexican section of the arena.

Your winner: nobody!

Lindsay’s reaction:

Apparently Lindsay is all about the luchadors. And who can blame her? I’m going to hate life when JBL beats the crap out of all three of them and gets cheered for it, though.

We’re back, and JBL is in the ring yapping about there not being a true champion on Smackdown since WrestleMania. He demands to be given the Smackdown title, which brings out Booker T. He wants a one on one match with JBL tonight for the belt and references the Beastie Boys. Chris Benoit comes out and wants a triple threat. The Big Show comes down and says there are 2 options, either they have a fatal fourway or he, Booker and Benoit have a triple threat match after they beat down JBL. Booker & Benoit like that idea, but Theodore Long comes out and puts a hold to that. He announces a five man challenge next week, with the four people in the ring and the Undertaker. This brings out Smackdown’s third draft pick, Muhammad Hassan. Apparently Davari is part of the deal too, since he walks out with Hassan. Hassan wants to be named champion too, since he had the longest undefeated streak in WWE history, and accuses them of being ashamed that he’s on their show because he’s different. He’s better than all of them. Benoit never beat him on Raw. Booker T is a 5 time loser. He can beat Big Show any day of the week. JBL is just like any other American, a big quitter. Davari tells them off as well. Long replies that since Smackdown is the land of opportunity, he can be in the match too for a six-pack challenge. The dirty racist JBL shoves Hassan down, Booker & Benoit put the boots to him, and Big Show tosses him out of the ring. Davari is soon deposited onto Hassan, and Long makes a match between Hassan and the man he said he could beat any day of the week, Big Show.

Muhammad Hassan (w/Davari) vs. The Big Show

As we return from commercial, Show is tossing Hassan around the ring and generally having his way with him. Matt Morgan comes out to do some guest commentary and attempt to justify his existence on Smackdown without Carlito. Hassan actually lands some punches, but that doesn’t last long. Nice delayed vertical suplex by Big Show. Big chops by Show, and Morgan dubs himself the Verbal Assassin. Yeehaw. Big chop by the Show, and Morgan says “Whoopy do.” There’s the quote of the night right there. Big splash in the corner by Show, Davari gets tossed into the ring, and Morgan comes in with a chair only to get chokeslammed by Show. The ref is trying to get Davari out of there, so Hassan hits Show with the chair and drives him neck first onto it for the eventual three count.

Your winner: Muhammad Hassan

Lindsay’s reaction:

From what I can tell, Lindsay is bored by the thought of Big Show wrestling and Hassan leapfrogging to Smackdown’s main event scene. Personally, I think Hassan could benefit from being on Smackdown and might excel there, but apparently Lindsay disagrees.

Tazz and Cole introduce the same Rey/Eddie video package we’ve been seeing versions of for at least a month or so. Then Eddie talks to Steve Romero. People don’t think he can beat Rey, but Rey doesn’t know what he’s capable of.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio

Eddie’s new shirt reads “Eddie Stole My Other Shirt” on the front. There’s a big bruise on Eddie’s right side that will play a role in this match…a tieup gets nowhere as both men are being cautious. Headlock by Eddie into a headscissors by Rey and a standoff. Hammerlock by Eddie, Rey arm drags out, Eddie hits a drop toe hold into a headlock, Rey fights out with a top wristlock and back into the corner. Really slow start here…Eddie gets a headlock, off the ropes, monkey flip by Rey! Eddie goes outside, so Rey dives onto him and we go to commercial…

Rey covers for a 2 count as we return, snap mare and a legdrop gets 2. Rey hits the abdominal stretch, which usually is a very boring move, but with Eddie’s injury it’s actually possible that he could submit from it. Unless Eddie hiptosses Rey out of it, which he does. Rey tries it again but has to break in the corner. Kicks by Rey, the crowd chants for him as he applies a reverse half nelson…Eddie lifts Rey up and places him up top, then pushes him off all the way down to the floor! Here we go! Eddie drives Rey into the announce table a few times, then whips him into the steel steps! Eddie has some words with referee Brian Hebner as we go to commercial…

Eddie is in complete control as we return, as a replay shows Eddie driving Rey spine first into the ring post during commercial. Eddie puts Rey in the Gory Special, but Rey armdrags his way out of it. Eddie regains control with a backbreaker and kicks Rey like he’s nothing. Big powerbomb by Eddie gets 2. He covers twice more, each time receiving a two count. Eddie hits the camel clutch…Rey eventually fights out but Eddie retains control of the match. Hard whip into the corner by Eddie, and he dominates until Rey hits a flying head scissors out of nowhere. Eddie answers with a big clothesline for 2. Eddie then hits a back suplex into a backbreaker for 2. Rey fights back and hits a bulldog. Both men are slow to get up, and they punch each other back and forth until Rey gets on fire with some clotheslines and a back body drop. Cross body by Rey gets 2! A seated senton also gets 2. Rey punches away but when he goes up top he gets crotched by Eddie. Eddie’s feeling the heat now…3 Amigos! Well, only 2 since Rey slips out of the third but misses the 619. There’s the third amigo, and Eddie heads up top. Eddie misses the frog splash! Damn it! Rey covers for 2! Rana by Rey sets up the 619, and Rey drops the dime for 3!

Your winner: Rey Mysterio

Lindsay’s reaction:

As you can see, Lindsay was excited for this match and even put on her bikini for it, but ultimately she was so disappointed with the sorry booking of Eddie Guerrero she couldn’t even look at the screen. Of course, if I had to choose between Smackdown or her boobs, I’d probably make the same decision.

I’m not sure if I can classify this as a great feud since it’s basically been Rey’s Harlem Globetrotters against Eddie’s Washington Generals. If Eddie could actually beat Rey it might mean something, but the result of their matches isn’t even in doubt anymore. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…who the hell is Eddie Guerrero supposed to be able to beat if he can’t beat a 140 pound little dude in a mask? The only match I even remember him winning since he turned heel was against Paul London last week.

So no, I don’t see what this legendary feud is doing for Eddie Guerrero.

Next week we’ve got a six pack for the “Smackdown Title” and Melina vs. Michelle, not to mention the final two draft picks! Marsico will be back then…I’ll see you Sunday for the news!

(And no, the news columns usually don’t have pictures of Lohan…unless the people wish it to be that way)