411’s WWE Smackdown Report 07.14.05

Hello everybody, and welcome to 411’s WWE Smackdown Report. I’m Steve Cook doing the monthly fill-in thing for Nick Marsico. Tonight we’ve got four big matches with a main event pitting World Champion Batista vs. U.S. Champion Orlando Jordan!

As you might remember, last month famous actress Lindsay Lohan joined me for exclusive Smackdown commentary! She is unable to join me tonight, but I have managed to get the hottest property in pro wrestling today to join me instead…the one, the only, Matt Hardy!

“Thanks Steve, it’s a real honor to join you tonight…speaking of Honor have I mentioned you can see me live at Ring of Honor this Saturday in Woodbridge, Connecticut? That’s right Steve, it’s Ring of Honor. Ring of Honor Ring of Honor Ring of Honor Ring of Honor.”

Thanks Matt. I’ll be sure to inform all 5 of your fat girlfr….er, I mean fans that don’t know about it. Time for Smackdown!

We open to footage from last week, where Batista caused JBL to lose to the Blue Meanie!

Drowning Pool tells us to Rise Up and we are in Worcester, Massachusetts this week! Michael Cole & Tazz are hosting, and tonight it’s champion vs. champion!

But first, Eddie Guerrero comes out to cut our opening promo. Eddie’s rocking the toothpicks a la Razor Ramon. A sign says “Hire ROH Midgets”. Well, I guess any publicity is good publicity, right? Eddie says Rey Mysterio won’t be here tonight, and he’s very disappointed about that. He plans on humiliating him anyway and shows footage of Eddie making Rey look like a bitch the last two weeks. The fans seem unimpressed. Eddie says he will tell Rey’s secret tonight! He takes Tony Chimmel’s chair, the lights dim, and he begins his story…

“Once upon a time in a land far away lived a little boy named Dominic, and he ran into the woods to play with his Uncle Eddie…”

I already don’t like where this is going, and neither does Eddie’s wife Vicki, who comes out with their two daughters. Eddie doesn’t want them out there, but Vicki doesn’t want Eddie to tell the secret. I should point out that Vicki has better mike skills than most of the WWE Divas. She calls Rey a good man and Eddie decides to take the mike and escort her backstage. Good time for a commercial!

We’re back and Eddie is now yelling at Vicki backstage, and escorting his family to their car. Hardcore Holly tries to advise Eddie to calm down in front of his kids, but Eddie shoves him. Holly shoves him back and Eddie tells Vicki to “get out of here before I get hurt”! It’s funny cause it’s true.

Cole & Tazz talk about how Eddie is a bad, bad man.

Match 1:
The Mexicools (Super Crazy, Psicosis, & Juventud) vs. Paul London, Scotty 2 Hotty, and Funaki

The Mexicools seem to have gotten their Mexican Limo 2005 pimped out. Good for them! After a brief disagreement over who would start, Super Crazy attacks Funaki from behind. Funaki gets the brief advantage, but Psicosis tags in quickly to get double teamed by Funaki and Scotty. This is some quick stuff, and I’m doing the best I can to keep up. S2H punches away on Psicosis, but when he goes off the ropes Super Crazy knees him. Tag to Juventud, and he and Psicosis double team S2H with a double drop toe hold and then double baseball slides to the head of S2H! Psicosis catapults S2H into the boot of Crazy, and a cover gets 2. Tag to Juvi, S2H tries to fight all 3 Mexicools in the corner to no avail. Crazy is in the ring and gets dragged out of it by Funaki, but Funaki gets introduced to the railing. S2H shoulderblocks Juvi and tries to tag in Paul London…after a brief struggle with Juvi, S2H makes the tag, and London is a house of fire! Forearms all around! Clothesline for Juvi! Dropsaults for Psicosis and Crazy! Juvi and London chop each other back and forth, boot in the corner by Juvi, London replies with a belly to belly suplex! Psicosis takes out S2H on the outside while London goes up top…Crazy knocks him off and hits the moonsault! Juvi goes up top…..450! Juvi overshot him and his knees landed on London’s ribs and head! That’ll get the 3 count.

Your winners: The Mexicools

Agents come out to check on London…he looks pretty banged up.

Well Matt, what did you think of this titanic struggle?

“Paul London got his start in Ring of Honor, right?”

Yes, indeed he did, Matt.

“Well, it’s a damn shame that Johnny Ace won’t let him actually wrestle, because if he started in ROH, he has to be freaking incredible. Have I mentioned I’ll be there this Saturday?”

Yes, Matt.

“Good, because I’ll be facing Christopher Daniels there. Did you know he is the TNA X Division Champion?”

Well, I used to recap their show on FSN, so I have a pretty good idea of who Christopher Daniels is.

“I can’t wait Steve…it’s been so long since I’ve been able to actually have a wrestling match. You know how it is in WWE, these bastards wouldn’t know good wrestling if they bit them on the ass.”

I dunno Matt, this match didn’t seem so bad.

“And what the hell is this Mexicool crap? Why not just let Juvi, Psicosis and Super Crazy wrestle? Seriously man, this is some bullshit right here. Just more proof of WWE going downhill ever since I left.”

When did you leave?

“I’ve left!”

Sigh…we’ll talk more with you later, Matt.

Later tonight…Booker T vs. Christian and Batista vs. Orlando Jordan, and just added has been Eddie Guerrero vs. Hardcore Holly!

Fellow Raw castoffs Christian & Candice chat backstage…Booker T happens by and disagrees with Christian’s claim that the whole locker room respects him. He says if Christian wants respect on Smackdown, he has to earn it. And while not mentioned here, if anybody would know that, it would be Booker T since he was in the same boat last year and had a similar attitude to Christian’s.

Josh Mathews is joined by possibly the most dangerous metrosexual man alive, Batista. We see the same footage from earlier where he made JBL lose to Meanie. He’s a student of the game and watched Smackdown every week even when he was on Raw. JBL is nothing but a bully, and there’s 2 ways to deal with a bully…punk them out and beat them up. He punked out JBL last week and will beat him up at the Great American Bash. He also promises an attitude adjustment for JBL. I thought the Era of Attitude was over.

Melina sends M & N to the ring and confronts Torrie Wilson. She claims to be the dominant female now and Torrie challenges her to a Bra & Panties match at the Great American Bash. Melina says she will rip all of Torrie’s clothes off and says that none of the fans will ever see her in her bra and panties. Obviously she hasn’t been paying very close attention to the women’s matches in WWE for the past seven years or so.

We’re back and Heidenreich is walking out to the ring for no discernable reason while Michael Cole mentions that the U.S. troops overseas will be getting the Great American Bash for free again this year. And I’ll bet they’re hoping for a better show than last year’s abortion. Anyway, Joey Mercury & Johnny Nitro attack Heidenreich from behind and it’s a 2 on 1 mugging while Melina talks about how Heidenreich has no friends. Well, this might be true…except for Road Warrior Animal! He’s not selling anything from a couple of punks like Mercury and Nitro, and why should he? He ejects M & N from the ring, hypes the Road Warriors DVD, and calls M & N a couple of baby punks. Mercury wants the Road Warriors at the Bash, but Nitro informs him that Hawk’s dead. Well obviously Mercury didn’t watch the DVD. Heidenreich tells Animal that he might not be a Road Warrior, but he’ll be his friend, and that’s forever! Animal says that he and Heidenreich will kick MNM’s butts at the Great American Bash.

On a side note, the DVD is friggin awesome and all of you should get it to see what tag team wrestling was like back when promoters actually cared about it.

Let’s show some footage from earlier to set up the next match.

Match 2:
Eddie Guerrero vs. Hardcore Holly

Well, I guess if Holly can’t talk some sense into Eddie, he could beat some sense into him. Cole steals my line about 10 seconds after I think it. Eddie slaps Holly, and that’s just a bad idea because now there’s going to be a chop fest. And when you’re against Hardcore Holly in a chop fest, my prediction for you is pain. Eddie ends up with several welts on his chest and takes a powder outside as we go to commercial.

Eddie is on the offensive as we return, but that gets broken up with a couple of armdrags by Holly. Eddie drop toe holds Holly into the corner, Holly fights back with some clotheslines and the best dropkick in WWE gets a 2 count. Rollup by Eddie gets 2. A full nelson slam by Holly also gets 2. Holly goes up top…clothesline! 2 count. Holly goes for the Alabama Slam, Eddie holds on to the ropes, Holly turns around and kicks Eddie a little south of the border. They go outside and Eddie sends Holly into the ring post. Referee Charles tells them to get back in the ring, but that doesn’t go so well as Eddie “accidentally” gouges his eye. While Robinson’s trying to recover from that, Eddie drives Holly back first into the announce table, then the apron. He goes under the ring and gets a lead pipe, and it’s Nancy Kerrigan time! Eddie locks in the Texas Cloverleaf and that’s enough to make Holly tap out.

Your winner: Eddie Guerrero

Eddie gets the mike and apologizes to Vicki for his actions earlier, and three straight words get bleeped in the middle for some reason. He will prove his love by beating Rey Mysterio…if Rey beats him at the Great American Bash he won’t tell the secret, but if Eddie wins, he will finish the bedtime story. Yay?

All right, let’s go back to our special guest…Matt, what did you think of that match?

“I think its bullshit that Hardcore Holly still has a job and I don’t!”

But you do have a job…

“That’s what they want you to think, man! I’m independent now! I’m raising hell! I don’t have to kiss people’s ass anymore, I can say that Bob Holly is a jackass and this Eddie Guerrero storyline is complete and utter crap.”

Well, I agree with you on Eddie’s storyline, but I don’t personally know Mr. Holly…

“Trust me, everything you Internet fans say about him is true. Especially the stuff about him taking it in the ass from JBL.”

What? I’ve never heard that one before!

“It’s true…trust me man, you don’t want a hotel room next to those guys if you want any sleep.”

That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard…we’ll get back to you later, Matt.

I thought the match was pretty good, but who am I to judge good wrestling?

Cole & Tazz say that Muhammad Hassan and Davari are not in attendance tonight, but Hassan’s attorney will issue a prepared statement.

Viewer discretion is advised…obviously UPN doesn’t want anybody to be offended by a lawyer getting beat up by Undertaker.

Muhammad Hassan’s music plays as his attorney walks out. I love Hassan’s music. The attorney says that Hassan has suffered much emotional distress since last week’s Smackdown, and will not be appearing on the show until after he beats the Undertaker at the Great American Bash. So I guess that makes UPN the Ultimate Pussy Network. Anyway, the Undertaker comes out and you all can probably guess what happens next. The attorney gets choke slammed and Tombstoned. Remind me not to serve as a lawyer for any of Undertaker’s enemies.

Match 3:
Booker T (w/Sharmell) vs. Christian

Christian attacks Booker from behind in the entranceway! He drives Booker into the ring post and steps as Sharmell screams bloody murder. Into the steps again and Christian rolls Booker into the ring. Referee Nick Patrick tries to give Booker some time to recover, but it’s not enough as Christian immediately hits the Unprettier and gets what I believe to be his second victory in 2005!

Your winner: Christian

All right, let’s check in with Matt Hardy and see what he thought about this match…Matt, how’d you like it?

“Like it? How could I like anything involving the ex-tag team partner of my ex-FCF?”

Your FCF?

“Yeah Steve, you know…Feces Copeland!”

Now come on Matt…you can’t hold Edge’s actions against Christian, in fact I think Christian has tried to defend you in interviews he’s done.

“Please…those Canadians are all the same. Jay knows what he did.”

Um, I don’t think Christian did anything…it’s not like he did Lita or anything.

“Of course he did…who in that dressing room hasn’t that slut slept with? Edge, Kane, Christian, El Dandy…..the list goes on and on for that whore!”

El Dandy’s in the dressing room?

“Who are you to doubt El Dandy?”

Well, I guess I had that one coming.

“All I’m saying is that Booker better keep a close eye on Sharmell…the wrestling business is no place for love. Trust me…I know.”

Thanks for your insight, Matt.

A Boogey Man promo? Oh no…nothing I have heard about the Boogey Man in OVW has been good. Are they trying to stick it to Cornette or something?

Actually there was one good thing I heard…the man actually uses the phrase “Boom Shakka Lakka”. That’s pretty cool.

Cole & Tazz talk about the Great American Bash…add Booker T vs. Christian to all the other matches made tonight. It actually doesn’t sound like a bad show on paper.

Match 4:
U.S. Champion Orlando Jordan (w/JBL) vs. World Champion Batista

JBL cuts a promo before Batista’s entrance about how last Thursday was the most humiliating night of his life because he lost to the Blue Meanie.

Batista dominates early as the smoke from his entrance fills the arena. Big shoulderblock and OJ gets knocked out of the ring. JBL gives him some advice and it seems to work, as OJ gets a brief advantage. JBL tripping up Batista also helps. OJ targets Batista’s left knee, which is a smart move when you’re wrestling a complete beast like Batista. JBL helps out while OJ distracts Referee Brian Hebner. Batista tries to fight back, but OJ keeps the advantage and JBL wraps his knee around the ring post. Leg lock by OJ and the fans start to get behind the Animal. Batista fights back with a big back body drop and a hobbling powerslam. JBL gets up on the apron and Batista knocks him off, in the ensuing chaos OJ gets knocked into Hebner and the ref is out. Spinebuster by Batista, but he turns around into a chair shot from JBL! JBL puts OJ on top for the cover and revives Hebner with some of Tazz’s water! Cover only gets 2 though. JBL runs back in and tries to clothesline Batista only to get one of his own! OJ eats a clothesline too and the Batista Bomb finishes off the U.S. Champ!

Your winner: Batista

JBL attacks from behind right after the bell and hits the Clothesline from Hell! JBL stands over Batista with the World title raised above his head as we go off the air!

Well, let’s check in one last time with our special correspondent, Matt Hardy…what say you about the main event and this night in general?

“Well Steve, I thank you for allowing some Mattitude into your recap this week. Batista is a big scary guy, no doubt about that…but what about this Orlando Jordan? He might be able to wrestle, but how would anybody know? Johnny Ace, Vince McMahon and the Hollywood writers won’t let these guys really wrestle, so we’ll probably never know.”

You’ve got a point there Matt, this U.S. title reign has done nothing to establish O.J. as a top player. He’s got some potential, but who knows if he’ll be able to realize it.

“Yeah, WWE sucks at letting guys realize their potential. Like me! Maybe I’ll realize it in ROH, or maybe in Florida this Sunday…”

Florida this Sunday?

“You never know where I’ll pop up next! I’m an Angelic Diablo, damn it!”

Well, how bout that. Speaking of which, I’ve just been informed that two other people wish to speak their minds here…please welcome Edge and Lita!

Edge: Thanks for having us, Steve!

“WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE? THIS IS MY SHOW!”

Lita: Matt, honey…you really need to calm down about all this. So what if you had a small penis and couldn’t do it for me in the sack?

Hey now, this is a family recap! You can’t say that, Lita!

Lita: Sorry Steve…would you like me to make it up to you?

Edge: She’s real good at that!

“WHAT?”

I’m not getting involved in this. No way.

Lita: That’s too bad Steve…out of all the people I’ve had in the business, I’ve never had a Internet writer.

“Ha, you lie, slut! I remember when you used to talk to that Hyatte guy…”

Edge: You did him?

Lita: No…..even I wouldn’t go that far.

Edge: That’s why I love ya baby….slutty and yet sophisticated at the same time.

Oh lord…

“I can’t take this anymore! See you later Steve…and Feces, I’ll see you next Monday!”

Thanks for joining us Matt…any last words, Edge & Lita?

Edge: Yeah…why does he keep calling me Feces?

Lita: I think it’s because he likes you…he had this weird fetish with sh…

OK OK OK, that’s more than I needed to know. Thanks for joining us, guys.

Nick Marsico will be back with your regular edition of 411’s Smackdown Report next week, and you can catch me every Sunday with News from Cook’s Corner. Until then…wait a minute, what the hell are YOU doing here?

“I heard my bro was talking with you, so I thought I’d drop by. You remember that name you used to call me on your Impact Insight review? Well boy, Traci Brooks ain’t here to save you now! I’m gonna give you one of those charismatic enemas!”

Good God almighty…somebody call the police!