411’s WWE Smackdown Report 12.19.02

WWE Smackdown for December 19, 2002, from Tampa, Florida
Report by Brendan Johnston exclusively for www.411wrestling.com

The following column is dedicated to the memory of Mister Richard Papazian. For years, Mr. Papazian operated a small, family owned pharmacy around the corner from my house, on what amounts to being the main street of the area I live in. My dad and I heard recently heard the pharmacy would be closing, and stopped in on the way home from work to say goodbye, only to find his son, who informed us that Mr. Papazian had passed away. Whenever I, my parents or either of my two little sisters were sick, he took excellent care of the prescriptions we needed, always filling them accurately and always as quickly as possible. I am beyond certain that he gave the same amount of attention and care to his other customers. Whenever I went in there, he always asked how I was doing in school and asked after my parents and sisters. In an era where all too often small, personal businesses of the “mom & pop” variety fall prey to cold, impersonal franchise operations, Papazian Pharmacy was a welcome change, and Mr. Papazian an excellent example of a time long since gone by. His work was always appreciated, and he will be missed in the Johnston household, and by others in our neighborhood.

Goodbye, Mr. Papazian, and thank you.

Raw… I honestly don’t even remember what happened on Raw this week. I remember I watched it at Dan’s, then watched the tape of Jericho’s first appearance from back in ’99, then choppily edited a video production of Neil Simon’s Rumors that we’d done for class.

I do remember making fun of Bischoff for informing Triple H “You really are the Game!” Like, really, what the hell does that even mean? It’s a nickname the guy gave himself. It doesn’t mean anything at all. Pisses me off.

411 reader Terrell Yelder sent me this little Christmas ditty, to be sung to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Enjoy, and thanks to Terrell:

Hunter the big nosed wrestler
Has a very large ego
And if you ever jobbed him
You would even say it shows

All of the other wrestlers
Used to respect all his fame
Now their careers are dying
If pitted against the Game

Then one crappy Raw broadcast
Vince finally grew a sack
And called up his ol pal Austin
And begged “We need you back”

Then how all the wrestlers loved Vince
For making their jobs funner
And as Vince gloats in the ring
JR shouts “STONE COLD STUNNER”

I saw The Two Towers last night. Very good. Not as good as the first one, but still an excellent bit of filmmaking. Dark as all get-out, too.

All Tom Cocozza wants for Christmas is a big jar of new and improved Ass Cream, now with 35% more ass.

And there’s one joke that’ll never get old.

And now, on with the report…

Video of the tag match from last week’s main event, of Kurt Angle asking Brock for help, then of Steph lifting Brock’s suspension while apparently not wearing any pants, then of Angle winning the title on Sunday at Armageddon.

The montage rolls, the pyro hits and Cole and Tazz welcome us to WWE Smackdown from Tampa, Florida. Kurt Angle is here, tonight. We’ll also get an exclusive interview with Torrie Wilson regarding the footage tonight.

“Medal” hits and WWE Champion Kurt Angle comes down in his flag singlet and “Submit” T-shirt, getting a nice little pop as he poses with the belt. He’s been Tag Team Champion, European Champion, IC Champion, King of the Ring, NCAA Champion, Olympic Champion, and now he is once again YOUR WWE Champion. (He’s getting “What?”ed?! WTF?) Angle says everything he’s ever won, he’s won on his own, and he’s not sure he could have beaten the Big Show on his own. Maybe he could have, maybe not. But one man lived up to his word and…

Brock Lesnar’s music hits, and here comes the pain down the ramp. Angle claps for him as he gets in the ring. Angle says that he always said he could beat anyone on the planet, but he’s not sure he could have beaten Show and Heyman without Brock. He knows Brock doesn’t want a pat on th eback, he wants the most anticipated match in WWE history: Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar, for the title. The crowd pops big. NCAA Champion vs. Olympic gold medalist. Angle says for him to name the time and place. Brock on the mic, says he wants the match there, tonight (well, Tuesday night, but you get the picture) in Tampa. Kurt says it sounds good to him… but its not gonna happen. (BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!) Angle says he’s a little banged up, and he’s got a match with Benoit later on tonight, non-title. Angle says they’ll go next week. (The belt still says “Big Show” on the nameplate, which doesn’t sit right for me.) Brock is pissed but Angle offers a handshake. Brock shakes and “Medal” hits and they stare down across the ring.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

During the Break… Big Show destroyed a locker room while Paul Heyman cowers. Show is peeved, to say the least. He threatens to crush Heyman’s face while demanding a shot at Angle. Heyman said that he had the greatest contingency plan of them all going into Armageddon. Show says he’d better get his shot, punches a locker and walks off.

WWE Tag Team Champion Eddie Guerrero (w/Chavo Guerrero) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman: Match is non-title, as Tazz points out Eddie’s not a cruiserweight. Could have fooled me.

Eddie jumps Kidman to start, beats him into the corner. Kidman counters a cross corner whip with a Snake Eyes and monkey flip. Eddie hits a backrop and goes to work with the elbows to Kidman’s head. Chavo taunts Kidman from outside. Tilt a whirl backbreaker off a whip and Eddie’s feeling froggy. Kidman rolls away from the splash and Eddie rolls through but gets hit with an enzuigiri.Kidman punches away and hits a back body drop and Rydien bomb for two. Whip to the corner but Kidman gets the boot up. Top rope buldog by Chao and he kickes Chavo for good measure, then hits the Shooting Star Press. Chavo pulls him out at two. Kidman pulls Chavo up and then punches him off the apron, then turns around into Splash Mountain (if I’m calling it right; a sit-out Razor’s Edge) for the pin.

Winner: Eddie Guerrero by pinfall (3:00)

Matt Hardy “Version One” goes into Steph’s office and Steph freaks out over his black eye. Matt says it was a bunch of MFers who mobbed him at a hotel last week (and certainly not Chuck Palumbo). MFers of course being Mattitude Followers, Matt explains to an offended Stephanie. Steph says that Matt has a match against Brock tonight but she’s not sure if he should compete with the eye injury. Matt gives Steph a lesson in Matt-ematics: One Matt Hardy minus one good eye is still greater than Brock Lesnar. He walks off and Steph looks bemused.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Chuck Palumbo vs. John Cena (w/B2): Chuck’s already in the ring. Cena raps a cheap heat promo coming down the ramp.

Lockup to side headlock. Backdrop and shoulder block by Palumbo. Overhead belly to belly gets two. Paulmbo goes after Buchannan on the apron then gets tossed by Cena. B2 clubs Palumbo and rolls him in. Cena covers for two. Cena hammers away on Chuck in the corner. Back elbow gets two for Cena and he goes to a full nelson on the mat. Palumbo fights up and hits a side suplex. Punches and a clothesline, then a back body drop. Corner whip by Cena them Chuck gets a spnning belly to belly. Discus punch to Cena, then one to B2. Palumbo up top (?!) and hits a cross-body, but Cena rolls through and grabs the tights for the pin.

Winner: John Cena by pinfall (2:40

Palumbo jumps Cena as he celebrates and gets hit with B2’s chain. Rikishi comes down, takes out Buchannan and Backs It Up onto Cena, then hits Double Chin Music but B2 pulls Cena away from the Banzai Drop.

We get more Torrie/Dawn/Al Wilson crap next.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

We review the Torrie/Dawn lesbian bullshit for a bit. I will take this opportunity to address Billy Kidman: Hang in there, man. They can’t keep this up forever.

We go to an interview with Torrie Wilson, who says she’s not ashamed because she loves her dad. She is ashamed of her dad, however, the one man who she thought could never break her heart (Backstage, Kidman was overheard to say “Hey! What the… Hello?!”). She says even though she’s a sexual person, she’s hardly a sexual predator, but she’s ready to show Dawn just what kind of predator she can be.

Dawn Marie’s annoying music hits and she and Al come to the ring. Tazz says Al is a selfish old bastard. Also he looks stupid and is boring. Dawn gets on the mic and says that Torrie is jealous because she has no one to love her. (Backstage, Kidman kicked a locker and said, “Oh come ON!!!”) Dawn says her relationship with Al is sacred and they’ll be having the wedding in two weeks in Albequerque. That’s all I’m willing to give this, I’m sorry. Tazz calls Albequerque the honeymoon capital of the world and asks Cole if he has to go.

Backstage, Matt Hardy Version One stretches for his match with Brock. Elswhere, Brock does chinups from a rafter. Matt does some jogging in place. Brock bench presses a Volvo. Matt has a quick protein shake. Brock fights Godzilla. You get the idea.

Commercial break… Raw Retro: Rock challenges Hogan back in February in an awesome moment.

And we’re back.

Brock Lesnar vs. Matt Hardy “Version One” (w/Shannon Moore w/”V1″ shirt): Matt gets on the mic as soon as he gets to the bottom of the ramp. He says that tonight is Brock’s lucky night, because Matt just got something in his good eye and has no vision at all. So Matt Hardy Version One will not be able to compete tonight, so instead we get…

Brock Lesnar vs. Shannon Moore (w/Matt Hardy w/shiner): Moore freaks out and gets mauled, then belly to belly suplexed right over the top rope, to the ramp. Matt helps Shannon back in the ring and Brock hits a crazy, spinning F5 with some STANK on it for the pin.

Winner: Brock Lesnar by pinfall (0:43)

After the match, Matt yells at Shannon and gets a regular F5 for his trouble.

Backstage, Steph enigmatically tells Angle that what he’s doing is wrong, and he had to go to the ring and own up before she does it for him. Angle acts like he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, then goes to the ring.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Angle is in the ring with the belt. He talks about the three I’s, specifically “integrity.” If it had been up to him, he’d face Benoit and Lesnar all in the same night. But it’s not up to him. He’s got a lot on his plate. And it’s an old saying that anyone who represents himself has a fool for a client. So, the week before Armageddon, he hired a management team to handle his contracts and such, and he wants to introduce the head of his new management team… uh oh… this doesn’t bode well… Paul Heyman! (That is what we, on the Internet, call a “swerve.”)

Angle and Heyman hug, then Heyman gets on the mic. He talks about planning it all along to keep Brock away from the title. Heyman delineates his and Angle’s strategy in a decidedly Bond-like fashion, with Angle provoking Brock while Heyman provoked Steph. Heyman states that as his first act as Kurt Angle’s agent is to postpone the Brock Lesnar match… indefinitely. Heyman says, from him and the champ to Brock, “Gotcha!…. AGAIN!” Angle did a hell lof a job playing the smarmy heel the whole time.

“WEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL….” Big Show lumbers downand threatens Heyman. Heyman gets on the mic and says that he didn’t sell Show out. He’s still his agent, and now their stable has a seven foot giant who disabled the Undertaker and handed Brock his first loss, and an Olympic champion. Heyman says he’s going to get Steph to book Show/Angle for next week, to make sure the title stays in the family, as it were. Because as long as Show has the title, or Angle has the title, Brock Lesnar will never, ever get a title shot.

Well, why don’t they just print up T-shirts for Brock that say, “I’m Winning the Royal Rumble”? It would be only slightly more straightforward.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Jamie Noble & Nunzio (w/Nidia) vs. Crash and Bill DeMott: Nunzio has Italian flag themed trunks. Earlier, DeMott offered to be Crash’s tag partner against the clan Noble.

Crash and DeMott argue over who will start. DeMott and Nunzio go first. DeMott sits on Nunzio and slugs away, then lets him up only to knock him again and run him into the corner. Noble blind tags in and gets presss slammed and German suplexed. DeMott tags Nunzio with Noble’s hand. Nunzio slugs away and gets splashed in the corner as Noble tags in and gets powerbombed. DeMott hits the No Laughing Matter for the pin.

Winner: Bill DeMott by pinfall (1:51)

After the match, DeMott hits the moonsault on Crash after he celebrates.

Oh and, uh, way to build to this Nunzio dude for like a month and then bitch him out in only his second appearance.

The Cat interviews Edge, who talks about how he’s gonna beat the crap out of the A-Train.

Commercial break

And we’re back.

Edge vs. The A-Train: A-Train has new smoke effects for his entrance.

A-Train starts wih a boot to the gut, the a shouldeblock. Big splash misses and Edge drops an elbow. A-Train reverses a whip but Edge floats out of a press slam only to get chop blocked. A-Train goes to work on the knee. Edge fights out with chops but gets sidewalk slammed. A-Train grabs a half-crab but Edge makes the ropes. A-Train stomps a mudhole and chrages in the corner but Edge gets the boot up. Enzuigiri, Canadian forearm and faceplant, and Edge goes up top. A-Train stops him and follows him up, then gets shoved off. Missile dropkick gets two.Edge signals for the Edgecution but A-Train ducks, so Edge settles for the Edge-O-Matic for two. Bicycle kick gets two and A-Train goes back to the half-crab. Edge makes the ropes again. A-Train goes for the Baldo Bomb but Edge fights out with a dropkick in a nice spot. A-Train misses a clothesline and gets speared for the win.

Winner: Edge by pinfall (5:28)

Backstage, Josh from Tough Enough prepares to interview Brock Lesnar.

Commercial Break

And we’re back.

WWE Champion Kurt Angle (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Chris Benoit: Cole and Tazz sell the Angle/Heyman deal like it was Hogan joining the nWo or something. He was ALREADY A HEEL!!!!!

Lockuo to a Benoit reare waistlock, reversedby ngle to a takedown, Benoit reverseto a hammerlock then side headlock Angle fights out but gets shoulderblocked and arm dragged. Benoit stomps a mudhole and Angle bails.Benoit follows and chases Angle back into the ring. Chops in the corner by Benoit, who is just mauling Angle.Cross corner whip reversed ay Ange but Benoit gets the shoulder up and hits a snap suplex.Angle reverses a whip and hits an overhead belly to belly suplex. Angle slugs away in the corner and chokes with his boot on the mat. Angle tosses Benoit, who gets beltshotted by Benoit. Angle pulls Benoit in and covers for two. Suplex by Angle gets two.Bneoit fights back with chops but gets his eyes raked.Snapmare by Angle and he kicks Benoit in the back of the head and goes to a bodyscissors and if my feed cuts out ONE MORE TIME okay it’s back. Benoit fights out but gets a knee to the gut. Angle ducks a clothesline and hits a German suplex straight outta Smackdown 4, then pulls the straps down. Angle Slam reversed to an arm drag, then a double clothesline/double KO spot for eight.Clotehslines and back body drop by Benoit, then two German suplexes, a third countered to the ankle lock. Benoit rolls out and then hits three germans. Then a fourth. Some chops outside, then three more Germans, then the Adamantium Skull Headbutt.Benoit goes to the Crossface which gets broken up by the Big Show with a chokeslam and the ref throws this baby out.

Winner: Chris Benoit by disqualification (9:45)

Brock runs down the ramp, belly to belly suplexes the Big Show, then one for Angle. He picks Heyman up for the F5 but gets chop blocked by Angle. Angle Slam, chokeslam for Lesnar and we fade on the Heyman Family taunting Brock with the belt

Thanks for reading. See you next week