411’s WWE Sunday Night Heat Report 03.13.05

Hello everybody this is the March 13th edition of Sunday Night HeAt. I am of course, the man of the hour, too sweet to be sour, I eat T-bone steaks, I life barbell plates, I’m crazier than a promo by Natch’ I am Alex P., and welcome to, Sunday Night Heat!

Here is the WWE’s subliminal message opening, accompanied by random clips, you all know the one, and why you have a sudden urge to worship Vince McMahon.

We are welcomed to the broadcast by Coach, Todd Grisham, and “The Baby Killer” Gene Snitsky

And here’s our first match.

“The Baby Killer” Gene Snitsky Vs. “The Baby Maker” Val Venis

Here’s the tie-up, Gene forces him to the corner, tries a clothesline, but misses and is hit with a barrage of strikes. Irish whip and a knee by Venis. Tries a clothesline but gets a sidewalk slam by Snitsky. Huge suplex by the big man, for 2. Venis tries another one, but is met with a shoulder block, and Snisky locks in a bearhug. Venis battles out, and gets a series of stiff chops, but he’s shut down my a knee to the gut. Venis tries to mount (no pun intended) another comeback, but he’s shut down and thrown into the corner, only to get a rolle up on Snitsky. Venis tries a back slide, but Snitsky reverses and hits a big boot. Snitsky hits a pumphandle slam for the win. I have to praise the Big Valbowski for just a moment, as he really displayed his agility on this one, as I have never seen someone able to get up on a grown man’s shoulder that quickly. Maybe the fact that I can tell is a strike against him, but it was impressive.

Winner: Gene Snitsky

Commercials

We’re back and reminded that Wrestlemania goes Hollywood in 21 days, or, exactly 3 weeks.

And our second match of the night.

“The French Sympathizer” Rob Conway w/ his sugar daddy Sylvain Grenier Vs. “The Man Beast” Rhyno

Tie-up, and a power stuggle. Hammer-lock by Conway, reversed into one of his own by Rhyno. Rob Conway battles out and beats down Rhyno. Rhyno battles out, and hits a scoop slam, then throws him from corner to corner, and sets up the gore. BUT Sylvain Grenier trips him, pulls him out of the ring, and is about to his Rhyno with the flag when Jack Doan catches him, and ejects him from ringside. Rhyno is back in the ring, and is hit with a back elbow, and Conway locks in a rear naked choke. Rhyno tries to battle out, but Conway switches to an over the shoulder neck wrench. Rhyno battles out and they trade shots. Conway with an irish whip to the corner, runs at him, but it hit with a shoulder. Rhyno hits a series of clotheslines, and a belly to belly slam. Rhyno picks him up, throws him to the corner, but Conway leads him headfirst into the turnbuckle, and executes a picture perfect roll up for the win.

Winner: “The French Sympathizer” Rob Conway

I have to say, Rob Conway is an extremely impressive superstar in singles action. If they weren’t the only legitimate tag team on RAW, I might suggest breaking up La Resistance, but they are, so never mind.

Commercials

And We’re back with a recap of the confrontation between “The Self Proclaimed Greatest Women’s champion of all time” Trish Stratus, “The Diva Search Winner” Christy Hemme, and “The Desperate Housewife of Wrestling” Lita, from RAW.

Commercials

And we’re back, with “The Legend Breaker” Chris Masters.

“The Legend Breaker” has the mic, lets see if he has a redeeming quality…nope. He says he’s not just built for show, he’s built to destroy. And that’s about all of note he says, other than that, he discusses how he can beat anyone in the locker room, and about what he did to Steven Richards.

“The Legend Breaker” Chris Masters Vs. Caprice Coleman

Takedown by masters, and a knee to the gut. Press Slam by masters, who then throws him across the ring, and hits a few more knees, and stomps through the legs to the gut. Masters throws him from corner to corner, then hits another polish hammer, then locks in the “Masterlock”. The referee is forced to stop the match.

Winner: Chris Masters

Chris Masters is the worst kind of wrestler. That’s right, he’s a big man, who can only destroy people. If all your good at is offense, then all your good for is beating the holy hell out of jobbers, as soon as he gets a high profile match, he’s in serious trouble, because you’re not just going to walk in and beat the crap out of Triple H for the title are you? If the sun is in the 7th house, and all the planets are aligned, and someone is actually going to beat Triple H, and hold the title for more than a month, you have to actually be able to wrestle, not just press slam, and throw your opponent, before locking in your finisher. And for that matter WHO THE HELL USES A FULL NELSON AS A FINISHER?! This is the 21st century Mr. Masters, please come and join us, but don’t bring your 1953 finisher with you!

Commercials
We’re back with a recap of everything surrounding the Main Even from RAW. OH MY GOD! Did I just type that? A RAW main event that didn’t involve Triple H (as a participant anyway), there something very wrong in WWEland.

Our main event is next. And it will pit William Regal & Tajiri against Simon Dean & Maven. Poor Tajiri, even when he’s half of the Tag Team Champions he can’t manage to get off of HeAt.

Commercials

Here comes the job squad…no not them, the ones without belts.

Here they are plugging the Simon System, who strangely enough, seems to be in better shape than ever. But they are interrupted by the other job squad.

Battle of the HeAt Prisoners, not unlike myself.

Regal and Tajiri Vs. Simon Dean and Maven

Maven and Regal start it off. Headlock right off the bat by Maven, and follows up with a shoulder block for 2 0.5 counts. Regal comes back with a hammerlock and tags Tajiri, who hits a kick before being beaten down by Maven. Tajiri comes back with a series of kicks, and a spinning wheel kick, then a handful of stiff chops, before cheap-shotting Simon Dean. Maven whips him to the corner, then runs but is met with a TARANTULA! But Dean breaks it up, and tags in. Rear naked choke by Dean, Tajiri battles out, Dean whips him to the ropes, and he hits a handspring elbow. Both men tag out, and Regal cleans house. Tajiri comes back in and kicks Maven to the outside, so that Regal is free to his a high knee to the temple of Simon Dean to get the win.

Winners and STILL Champions of the Jobbers: Regal and Tajiri.