411’s WWE Superstars Report 08.05.10

Hi, hello and welcome to 411’s WWE Superstars Report! I’m Steve Cook, back in the saddle again for WGN America’s Thursday night extravaganza. Tonight we’ve got the Kentucky girl hating Evan Bourne taking on the Long Island Loud Mouth, Zack Ryder! We’ve also got one of the Co-Women’s Champions in action, and a tag team match featuring two teams that need an impressive performance to get a shot against our little-seen champions! Let’s get it started…

It’s hard for me to get outraged about Kaval losing matches on NXT when he’s getting to kiss Layla on the side. I know people who’d pay to be misused like that. I may be one of those people. It doesn’t matter because I FEEL INVINCIBLE TONIGHT!

Todd Grisham & Matt Striker host the Smackdown half of the show.

Match 1: Non-Title Match
Tiffany vs. Co-Women’s Champion Layla (w/fellow Co-Champion Michelle McCool)

Did you know that Tiffany is still insatiable? I bet she is. This is the match we were promised on Smackdown last week, only to have Layla replaced by Michelle. Team LayCool still needs to decide which one of them will hold the title permanently. Layla gets forearmed by Tiffany after messing with her skirt, sunset flip by Tiffany gets two. Arm drag by Tiffany, she forearms away on Layla before Layla kicks her and wrings her arm. Tiffany rolls out, wrings Layla’s arm into a hammerlock, off the ropes, shoulder block by Tiffany. Layla rolls out of the ring, Tiffany pushes Michelle out of the way and Michelle attacks from behind after Tiffany rolls Layla back in the ring. She got Tiffany right in the left knee, and Michelle proclaims that she is flawless. Layla distracts the ref while Michelle attacks the knee again. Layla smartly works over the knee in the corner, but Tiffany fights back briefly, only to get smacked down by Layla. Layla clips Tiffany’s knee, then maneuvers her into the Indian deathlock! Layla turns it into a pin attempt that gets two. Tiffany fights back with kicks to Layla’s knee and some forearms to the face. Tiffany clotheslines her in the corner, then bulldogs the co-champ for two. Tiffany with some knees to the face, then a vertical suplex gets a one count. Layla misses in the corner, Tiffany up to the second rope, but misses the cross-body! Layla hits the Lay Out neck breaker for the 3 count!

Winner: Co-Women’s Champion Layla (**)
I’m sure I will rate this higher than anybody else, but both women did a decent job here. Did I mention that they were looking good tonight?

We get to watch the NXT kissing contest. I actually thought it was funny, but it wasn’t something I was begging to see again. I will say that Alex Riley’s performance here was more entertaining than anything else he’s done on the show. It’s about time pro wrestling had another Fat Chick Thriller!

Later tonight, Evan Bourne vs. Zack Ryder, and an exclusive look at the Legendary trailer!

WrestleMania 26 highlights air on NBC Saturday night at 9:00. Somebody alert the Internet that Shawn Michaels is mentioned in the commercial as an iconic superstar.

Todd & Matt hype the SummerSlam theme song and WWE.com.

Match 2: Tag Team Action
Curt Hawkins & Vance Archer vs. The Dude Busters

Todd points out that Hawkins & Archer are one of the best tag teams competing in WWE today. Well, there’s like four tag teams competing in WWE today. This reminds me of Mark Nulty’s old line he’d use once on every ROH show…WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR IN A MATCH LIKE THIS? Matt points out that Caylen & Trent are into each other. I don’t think I needed to know that, but at least it’s legal in California now. Trent & Curt start out while Matt talks about their shared past in the Northeast indy scene. I find this more interesting than actually watching them wrestle. Hawkins slaps Trent, and Trent takes him down. Tag to Caylen, double elbow, then an double elbow drop. Hawkins takes Croft into the corner, then tags in Archer. Croft lands a dropkick, tags in Beretta, Archer runs through a double clothesline, but the Busters take him down with a dropkick combo. Croft back in, he hits a double axe handle, but Archer gains a brief advantage…into the corner, Croft gets tossed out and hits the floor hard as we go to commercial…

Hawkins attacks the spine of Croft as we return, he slams Croft down for a two count. Tag to Archer, off the ropes, big boot to the head by Archer gets a two. Chinlock! Croft slips out in the corner, but Archer hit’s a overhead belly to belly suplex for two. Archer back on the offensive…tag to Hawkins, punch to Croft’s gut. Knee to the spine and a chinlock! Croft fights out, ramming Curt’s head into the top turnbuckle! Tag to Trent, he taks Archer out in the corner, Curt kicks Trent, but Trent hits a clothesline off the rope…Trent up top, springboard dropkick! Two count! Archer breaks it up, Croft throws him out but misses a plancha! Series of reversals, but Archer boots Trent when he has Hawkins rolled up! It’s time for a reverse DDT from Archer, a top rope elbow from Hawkins, and it’s all over.

Winners: Curt Hawkins & Vance Archer (**¼)
It was actually a pretty darn good little tag team match. The problem I had, and I think the crowd was on the same page as I on this one, is that there was really nobody we could root for, or even care about. Hawkins & Archer have shown a little potential, I think the Busters could be good someday, but right now I’m not really interested in either act because they haven’t given us much of a reason to care. Heel vs. Heel is fine, but not when they’re heels we don’t really care about.

Archer tells us to pay attention. Hawkins says that they’re a dynasty. Hawkins & Archer want gold. If the Hart Dynasty won’t come to them, they’ll find them. Well, if y’all can find the Hart Dynasty, let us know. They haven’t exactly been prominent lately.

Legendary trailer! Well, that’s the name of the movie. I can’t really say if the trailer’s legendary or not.

Evan Bourne vs. Zack Ryder is coming later tonight! I just realized that I’m going to have to try and call a Bourne match. Wish I’d known that before I started with the Maker’s Mark.

Miz gets a video package. I think Michael Cole needs to change his pants. Speaking of Cole, he and Jerry Lawler host the Raw portion of the show.

I’ll take this opportunity while they’re doing the insufferable Raw Rebound to talk about the time I met Evan Bourne. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings on a Saturday night a while back to hang out with my main man Kenny Bolin and one of my favorite wrestlers, Colt Cabana. This was 2007, before Cabana was called up and then jobbed out. Anyway, the man who would be later known as Evan Bourne was sitting across from me while I freeloaded some wings off of the OVW crew. This was an added bonus because I was a big fan of his as well and didn’t know he’d be there. He was a good fella, but the thing I remember most was his complaining about how there weren’t any good looking girls in the area. I told him to try living in Kentucky for 23 years, then he could talk to me about how tough it was to find chicks. He smelled what I was cookin’. I’m sure he was one of the happiest people in the developmental system when they moved it to Florida, which has a much larger selection of attractive women than the Bluegrass State. Better weather, too.

And yet I remain here. Go figure.

Match 3: Main Event
Evan Bourne vs. Zack Ryder

Ryder does win the battle of entrance music. That’ll probably be the last thing he wins tonight. Ryder gets up on the middle turnbuckle and yells WOO WOO WOO. Tieup…Ryder eventually takes it into the corner and kicks Bourne down. Stomp to the head, then a knee for good measure. Evan with a kick to the leg, but Zack punches him off, whip reversed into a drop toehold, kick to Ryder’s head gets two. Ryder sends Bourne into the corner, then takes him down. Zack sends Evan’s head into another turnbuckle. Evan fights back, whip reversed, big clothesline by Zack gets two. Zack knees Evan in the back, forearms him in the head, then kicks him down in the corner. Evan fights back, whips Zack, hit’s a nice dropkick! Whip reversed, Bourne with a rana! Dropkick! Ryder on the apron, he gets knocked off, Bourne up top…..but nobody’s home and he crashes into the barricade! That’s a good time for a commercial, I suppose…

And there’s that Cryme Tyme commercial that WGN just won’t give up on. Maybe they’ll come back soon, since it ain’t like either of them have done much since splitting up. I last saw Shad on the side of a milk carton.

We’re back, and Ryder has the dreaded chinlock applied. The match is so interesting that we’re showing Cole & Lawler instead. Bourne kicks his way out, but Ryder takes him down for two. Zack tells Evan to get up, then Evan sunset flips him for two. Swinging neck breaker by Ryder gets two, and we’re back to the chinlock. I think Cole & Lawler have talked about this match for about 30 seconds since it started. Maybe. Bourne fights out of the chinlock, but again Ryder clubs him down. Into the corner…face wash by Zack Ryder! Cover gets two. Chinlock! Has Randy Orton been working with Ryder? Bourne fights out, nice kick to the back of Ryder’s head! Small package gets two! Kick to Zack’s leg, to the chest, spinning heel kick! Another kick takes Zack into the corner…seated dropkick in the corner gets a two count! Evan looks up top…Ryder with a Sky High for a two count! Now it’s Ryder going up top…Bourne kicks him, goes to the middle rope, Zack punches away, but Evan flips him off the top rope! He goes up…AIR BOURNE! Three count!

Winner: Evan Bourne (**½)
Most of Ryder’s offense was a little repetitive for my liking, but he did throw in some cool stuff like the face wash and the Sky High, and Evan Bourne was his usual Evan Bourne self. A pretty decent Superstars main event.

So long and good night, everybody!