wrestling / TV Reports

Cook’s WWE Raw Review (9.29.14)

September 30, 2014 | Posted by Steve Cook

Introduction
Yo baby yo baby yo baby yo! Cook in the house, and I see we’ve changed some things around here! Looks pretty good. Anywho, Boss Csonk has business to take care of tonight so you’re stuck with me. Not a traditional recap…y’all know how the Tirade goes by now. Not everything’s changed.

“SUPPORT THE TWINS, BROTHER!”

WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW 9.29.14
OFFICIAL RESULTS
* WWE Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler defeats The Miz & Cesaro [***]
*Layla defeats Rosa Mendes [DUD]
*Bo Dallas defeats Mark Henry [*]
*Brie Bella defeats Cameron & Eva Marie [½*]
*Slater Gator defeats Los Matadores [DUD]
*Alicia Fox defeats AJ [*]
*Sheamus defeats Damien Mizdow [**]
*Dean Ambrose & John Cena defeat Randy Orton & Kane via disqualification [***]

Opening Talky Talk: The Authority comes out to start the show. Stephanie McMahon notes that the fans chant for quitters because quitting is what they do. Very cogent points by the lady. She says that Dean Ambrose stealing the MITB briefcase will not be tolerated, and Triple H explains how the briefcase is a symbol that represents the business. They won’t let anybody disrespect the business. Paul Heyman comes out & he’s upset because Seth Rollins tried to take the WWE title from Brock Lesnar. Seth Rollins comes out in funeral casual attire & explains that nobody from the Authority told him to attack Brock Lesnar, that was all his idea. He was trying to make the most of his opportunity, and nobody wants to see John Cena become champion again. He wants to beat the best, & the best is Brock Lesnar. He apologizes & shakes Paul’s hand. After some attempts to intimidate from both sides, Paul leaves.

Rollins is unamused by Ambrose taking his briefcase & wants it back. Ambrose pops up on the Titantron with the briefcase. He’s sickened by the Authority. If Rollins wants the briefcase back, he’ll have to come & get it. So they leave the ring & walk into John Cena, who attacks Rollins before the fans can properly react! Rollins runs out through the crowd & back to the stage while Cena walks tall in the ring.

The fans tried to derail things with intermittent CM Punk chants, but everybody remained on point & got their message across. Rollins continues to impress me with the improvement in his microphone skills since entering the WWE system, & Dean Ambrose just might be the next top face if things keep going in this direction. There’s a certain level of connection with the crowd that people either have or they don’t. He’s got it.

Triple H orders Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury to get the briefcase back. For some reason I don’t see this ending well.

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Dolph Ziggler ( c ) vs. Cesaro vs. The Miz (w/Damien Mizdow): Yeah, I was a lot more excited about this before Miz came out. It’s like when you’re about to go on a date with the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, and at the last minute you find out it’s not a date, it’s one of those things where you hang out with a group of friends & it’s not really a date. Not that it’s the worst thing in the world, but it’s disappointing. Ziggler pulls out some fun double moves that remind me of the ECW days when I loved triple threat matches with guys like Tajiri, Super Crazy & Little Guido. Michael Cole makes me die a little inside by exclaiming that the Figure 4 is Miz’s hold. Another sign I’m behind the times, I suppose. Miz does a nice job selling the effect of the Figure 4, at least as most of Flair’s opponents did. Ziggler gets the pin on Miz, which I approve of because Cesaro doesn’t get pinned & that feud can continue from here.

Noble & Mercury’s search for Ambrose brings them to Adam Rose’s Rosebuds, then Big E, then the Great Khali. Khali says that Noble’s too short for him to hear. I don’t know who’s tougher to understand: Khali or Noble.

The Wyatts are back to cutting creepy videos. This one seems to focus on Luke Harper.

Apparently Noble took a break during his search to eat a burger. Stephanie tells Noble & Mercury to find Ambrose or they’re fired. Mizdow cuts a promo as Miz that makes Triple H laugh. He tells them their purpose is to make him laugh, & he books Mizdow against Sheamus. He comments on Miz’s straight to DVD career, which I’m not sure who is supposed to insult: Miz or WWE Films.

Layla (w/Summer Rae) vs. Rosa Mendes (w/Natalya & Tyson Kidd): So this match is a backdrop for Total Divas, which currently has Nattie & Tyson with marital problems, Nattie taking Rosa under her wing & Summer & Nattie feuding as usual. Also, Tyson Kidd is now known as Nattie’s husband. I think I’ve covered everything except whatever the reason for this match is, which certainly isn’t to have a good match. Rosa’s losing her hair. Layla shockingly wins the match. I’m being sarcastic since Rosa’s never won a match. Nattie’s mad at Tyson because of something on his cell phone. Summer uses hers to take pictures of Layla. You know, my mother once told me if I couldn’t say something nice about someone I shouldn’t say anything at all…so let’s move on.

Oh. Tyson was probably texting or something with Summer. So that should be a fun Total Divas story.

The cameraman has found Dean Ambrose. Does this mean that Noble & Mercury are fired?

#AmbroseLive: Dean Ambrose has decided he doesn’t like how the Authority runs their merchandise stands, so he’s running his own sale tonight. He’s not selling the briefcase but he’s got a bunch of cool t-shirts. John Cena shirts don’t get much of a response. Sheamus’s is on sale for a quarter. He’s offended that his merchandise calls him unstable. Here come Noble & Mercury, or as Ambrose calls them, the Cruiserweight Division. They run off instead of entering the ring to confront the man, so Ambrose starts tossing the shirts into the crowd. The Stooges got some reinforcements in the person of Rollins & some security that Ambrose recognizes as Rosebuds from last week. He leaves the briefcase in the ring for Rollins, but it turns out he gimmicked it with some green slime like he learned from DX. That’ll make the contract inside awful messy. Some pretty lame material, but Ambrose made most of it work.

Triple H sends Rollins to wash his eyes out & books Kane & Orton against Ambrose & Cena. An electric razor vibrates in Rollins’ briefcase. Or at least that’s what he says it is. JBL notes that Rollins has a beard.

Mark Henry vs. Bo Dallas: Henry tries to apologize for his performance last week, but is cut off by the Inspirational Bo Dallas. Bo tries to inspire Mark, which leads to Mark kicking his ass. Well, until Mark misses the Vader Bomb & Bo lands the BoDog! Bo Dallas wins. Poor Face Mark Henry. He needs to turn heel right quick & start smashing people again soon. I mean, it’s not like we need another crying big dude on the roster…Big Show’s back.

Mark Henry smashes Bo Dallas backstage. That’s not very inspirational. Renee Young…now there’s some inspiration.

The Dust Brothers talk about the cosmic key.

Brie Bella vs. Cameron & Eva Marie: Brie has new music! After a commercial break Nikki comes out to note how Brie quit the last time she was in Chicago. I guess everybody quits in Chicago. Nikki’s mad about being put in handicap matches after Brie left, so now Brie gets to be in handicap matches! I’m not sure which side is handicapped here, but whatever. The crowd chants for JBL while Cameron works the chinlock like a young Pat O’Connor. Cole notes the crowd chants for Jerry because of the work he did trying to get the Bellas back together. Brie rolls Cameron up for the win. The crowd Yeses along with Brie. I Yes along with Brie because the match is over.

Eva Marie sure is good looking though…

Slater Gator (w/ Mini Gator) vs. Los Matadores (w/El Torito): Jesse Jackson in the house supporting Titus O’Neil. Is that why he’s on the show this week? The Mini Gator crawls across the ring & distracts the Matador, causing Slater to yank him off the top rope & get the win. Mini Gator mini gator rolls El Torito. Adam Rose distracts. The Bunny splashes Heath Slater & celebrates with Reverend Jackson. On the bright side, it’s nice to see WWE embrace some classic CHIKARA booking, as we now have multiple people wrestling in animal costumes. They could probably sell some Mini Gator dolls.

Rusev vs. Big Show in Promo Form: Lana shows some photos from SmackDown to illustrate what happened in the Rusev vs. Big Show match because apparently she couldn’t get the rights to show the video. Big Show interrupts. I wonder if he has the rights to show the video. Apparently he does. Rusev now speaks English & says he will kick Big Show in his groin. I guess he learned his fighting techniques from King of the Hill reruns. Big Show decides he wants to knock down a White Russian. I’m not sure why he’s threatening Lana, but Big Show chases Rusev out of the ring. Rusev tries to get back in but gets tossed back out for his trouble. Not a bad segment to continue the feud here.

John Cena declares that Chicago is his kind of town. He’s glad he’s fighting with Ambrose instead of against him tonight. Ambrose pops up in the background & they disagree over who gets to beat up Seth Rollins.

AJ Lee vs. Alicia Fox: Three Divas matches in one episode of Raw might be a record. Paige comes out to introduce Alicia because apparently they’re best friends now. AJ gets the early advantage & does a dive off the top rope onto Paige & Alicia because she’s crazy. Alicia gets the win, then they beat AJ up afterwards to get some heat. Nothing wrong with this. Also, it’s nice that they remembered Alicia’s still under contract.

Sheamus vs. Damien Mizdow (w/The Miz): Miz is on commentary because Florida Georgia Line was unavailable this week. I wonder if Mizdow will get to do Miz’s moves, or any moves for that matter. Mizdow actually does get some offense & it’s almost like he has a mid-card push again. Brogue kick to the moneymaker ends it. Decent outing, though I have to admit it’s tough for me to care about anybody involved here.

Hulk Hogan vs. Breast Cancer: It’s the time of year where the NFL & WWE take part in National Breast Cancer Awareness Month & sell a lot of pink merchandise. The Hulkster’s even getting in on the act, switching out his red & yellow for some pink. There do seem to be issues with the charity involved that need to be addressed, but I tend to believe that giving some love to the people that have survived breast cancer & the people currently fighting it is a worthy cause. Cancer sucks. So, I’m not going to complain about all the Komen stuff for the next month. Sorry.

Stephanie talks to Orton & Kane.

Dean Ambrose & John Cena vs. Randy Orton & Kane: It’s good that Ambrose is here, because I tend not to care about matches featuring the other three guys. They’ve been on television for so long & have done so many things that it’s really tough to get excited to see them do anything at this point. Sure enough, things pick up when Ambrose gets in off the hot tag. Dive onto Kane on one side of the ring, dive onto Orton on the other! Jawbreaker lariat! Dirty Deeds on Orton, but Rollins breaks up the pinfall! Ambrose comes up a little short on a dive to Kane, but Kane sells it anyway, bless his heart. Cena & Ambrose both want to beat up Rollins, and Ambrose tosses Cena out of the ring so he can get some of Rollins. RKO to Ambrose! Kane choke slams Ambrose, and Rollins delivers the curb stomp on top of the briefcase! Cena comes in to get him some & he gets the same treatment that Ambrose got. Rollins ordering these guys around is something else. Some good heat to end the show, though the crowd thanks Rollins since he curb stomped Cena. So…some heat I guess.

End scene.

Thanks for reading.

The Tirade

I thought the show opened well & closed well, but much of the stuff in-between was a chore to get through. That 2nd hour was a never ending parade of duds & generally useless wrestling that served no purpose other than to get people on TV. I mean, I get the point of a popcorn match, but a popcorn hour seems a bit much to me. I don’t think there have ever been that many Diva matches on Raw. One of them was actually decent, the other was part of a storyline that‘s had its moments, & the other was a complete train wreck. Good to see Slater Gator on Raw…not sure about the Mini Gator thing but it’s unique if nothing else. Dean Ambrose continues to move in the right direction & I wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up getting the push that everybody thinks Roman Reigns is going to get. I know we all think Reigns is the chosen one, but you just never know until it actually happens. Ambrose didn’t get great material tonight, but he made it work. That’s what the best do. Raw was average to me this week, which honestly these days ain’t too shabby.

Show Rating: 6.0

As a reminder, I will be going by the 411 scale…

0 – 0.9: Torture
1 – 1.9: Extremely Horrendous
2 – 2.9: Very Bad
3 – 3.9: Bad
4 – 4.9: Poor
5 – 5.9: Not So Good
6 – 6.9: Average
7 – 7.9: Good
8 – 8.9:Very Good
9 – 9.9: Amazing
10: Virtually Perfect

The final rating is not simply an average of the rated segments above. The rating takes them into account as well as the segments that are small but not scored, the flow of the show, the overall booking, build to PPV, crowd reactions, and so on and so forth.

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Steve Cook is a Gemini and enjoys drinking the occasional alcoholic beverage or nine, long walks on the beach, objectifying women and winning fantasy baseball championships. He graduated from the University of Louisville in 2006 & has a B.S. in Political Science with a concentration in Law & Public Policy. He has been a wrestling fan since 1990 and has been writing for 411 since August 14th, 2004; contributing nothing but headaches & utter frickin‘ chaos to the site. He is a living legend & the last of a dying breed. He also contributes to Dustin James‘s Ultimate Football Blog & talks fantasy football at offtheteam.com.

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