Dark Pegasus Video Review: Judgment Day 2004

Judgment Day 2004 by J.D. Dunn May 16, 2004 Live from Los Angeles, Calif. Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz. Heat Match: Mark Jindrak (w/Theodore Long) vs. Funaki. Jindrak looks like Mark Blucas who played milquetoast Riley on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Too bad he was just one of those meat-grinder guys who all came out of the minors as practically the same guy. Rob Conway, Rene Dupree, Sylvan Grenier, Mark Jindrak, Matt Morgan – it was hard to tell these guys apart in terms of talent and push. Okay, Conway was pretty good, but you wouldn’t know it unless you watched Heat. Jindrak challenges Funaki to punch him in the ribs and then no-sells it. Jindrak dominates, hitting a nice dropkick and then mocking Funaki with some calisthenics. He misses a charge, but he springboards up to the top and hits a flying clothesline. The Mark of Excellence (backdrop into a uranage) finishes at 3:47. Jindrak deserves a second look from either TNA or the WWE. 1/2* The opening video package is rather disturbing in retrospect, talking about how people will be judged after their deaths while showing Eddy Guerrero’s feud with JBL. Opening Match: Rey Mysterio & Rob Van Dam vs. The Dudley Boyz. Cole brags that the WWE outsold the Lakers in the same facility, although Baron von Einstein probably didn’t take into account that the ring takes up far less room than a basketball court. At any rate, they both sold out. D-Von trying to get heat by screaming, “I don’t like you anymore” at Tazz is pretty funny. D-Von Pearl Harbors Rob Van Dam behind the ref’s back, which really wasn’t necessary because RVD and Bubba hadn’t made contact yet. No one really pays attention to that rule anymore, though. By the way, will there ever be enough distance that wrestling announcers start saying one guy got “9/11’ed?” Just food for thought. Van Dam uses a lot of spinning kicks on Bubba and D-Von. He works in the somersault plancha, but Bubba yanks down the ropes, spilling Van Dam to the floor. The usual Dudley offense follows. They were nearing the end of their WWE run, and the effort in this match shows why. It’s not that they’re lazy or anything; it’s just the same stuff that they did for five years. Rey gets the hot tag and cleans house, but D-Von trips him up on the 619 attempt. Now, Rey plays face-in-peril. Bubba gets good heat for slapping him around. He hits D-Von with the bulldog, but the ref doesn’t see the tag. Bubba drags him back in and hangs him in the tree-of-woe. Bubba smacks him around and calls him a piñata. Rey hits him with an unbelievable Stunner, and by “unbelievable,” I mean not even remotely realistic. Rob gets the hot tag and cleans house again. That is one clean house. Rolling Thunder gets two, but Bubba breaks it up. Rey breaks up the Wazzup Drop and hits the Broncobuster on Bubba. Van Dam launches Rey into the huracanrana for two. RVD breaks up the 3D, Rey hits the 619, and Van Dam finishes with the Five-Star Frogsplash at 15:17. Hot finish to a match that was a bit long. **3/4 Josh Matthews interviews Booker T, who claims to be the biggest star on Smackdown. He claims to have some sort of special voodoo “stuff” that will defeat the Undertaker. Luther Reigns wheels out crippled General Manager Kurt Angle on a big Pope-mobile platform. Angle gets some *real* cheap heat, referencing the Kobe Bryant rape trial, the L.A. riots, and hoping an earthquake hits. He blames Torrie Wilson for his injury (Big Show threw him off a landing for trying to save Torrie.) Kurt announces that Torrie will be fired if she loses tonight. Career Match: Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie. The announcers (and everyone else) forget that Dawn seduced Torrie’s father, blackmailed her into lesbian sex, and fucked her father to death and focus on the tried-and-true money angle – Dawn is jealous of Torrie’s Playboy notoriety. The match stinks like a polecat rooting around in coyote shit. Torrie misses a flying crossbody to let Dawn take over on offense. Nothing interesting until Torrie rips Dawn’s pants off, revealing a flesh-colored thong that could more accurately be described as dental floss. In other words, if you ever wanted to see Dawn Marie’s naked ass – well, there it is. Torrie finishes with a backslide at 6:14. Horrible match, but Dawn Marie showing ass was glorious. Al Wilson was a lucky man… may he rest in peace. Torrie looks like she’s having a hard time keeping a straight face on the way up the ramp. 1/2* John Bradshaw Layfield gives a jingoistic rant about the difference between good Mexicans (the ones who shine his shoes) and bad Mexicans (the ones like Eddy Guerrero). You know, he’s a clear heel, but you can turn on AM radio and find virtually same rant any day of the week. Hell, you can turn on CNN and see the same rant from Lou Dobbs. Mordecai vs. Scotty II Hotty. Ah yes. Mordecai the Jewish Avenger. The man with the awesome entrance and the not-so-awesome ring presence. You know what they should have done? Given the Mordecai gimmick to Matt Morgan. If you blinked in 2004 and missed Mordecai, just think of the Undertaker with a white motif. Cole cracks me up by asking when was the last time Scotty was manhandled like this. Yeah, Scotty normally dominates the ring like the Big Show, Michael. Lots of “methodical” offense from Mordecai. I mean, this is almost a direct ripoff of the Undertaker in style, gimmick, and wrestling. Scotty goes for the Worm, but Mordecai yanks him into the ropes and finishes with the Crucifix Bomb at 3:00. Mordecai would disappear after his next PPV appearance and receive career rebirth as the vampiric Kevin Thorn on ECW. Mordecai might have had a decent future, but he just felt like a low-rent rip-off – something that might be tried on the indy circuit to trick less-sophisticated fans into thinking the real thing was in town. 1/2* In the back, Jacqueline taunts the Chavos with her lingerie. WWE Tag Titles: Rico & Charlie Haas (w/Jackie) vs. Hardcore Holly & Billy Gunn. Hardass is freaked out by Rico, and neither wants to start with him. Not sure why Billy would be afraid of him. They hung out for nearly half a year. And this is a guy who wears Torrie Wilson’s old leggings now. The first few minutes are Rico molesting the homophobes. They blindside Haas, making him the face-in-peril. By the way, while nothing’s happening, I should mention that the University of Georgia did a study a few years ago that measured male tumescence (how big your boner gets) among social groups. Not surprisingly, men who claimed to be vehemently anti-homosexual in their preliminary questionnaires had the biggest erections when showed homosexual imagery. In other words, it’s a case those who doth protest too much. Speaking of gay, did we ever find out what happened with the whole Raven-Earl Hebner-Miss Jackie-Jeff Jarrett-Canada-Scott D’Amore conspiracy in TNA? Holly comes off the top, but Haas gets his boot up. Gunn hits the Fameasser, but Charlie Haas blind tags himself back in. Cool finish as Holly goes for the Alabama Slam, but Rico superkicks him over. Charlie sunset flips Holly for the win at 10:27. Sparkybilly was a decent team for putting guys over, and the fans seemed to dig Rico’s grab-assing antics. ** The Undertaker shows how creatively tapped he is by delivering his one-line promo: Rest in peace. So now he’s the “I didn’t do it” kid. Cruiserweight Title: Jacqueline vs. Chavo Guerrero (w/Chavo Classic). Yes, you read that right. Jacqueline actually got a Cruiserweight Title reign. And this was after Chavo won the title in that big Cruiserweight battle at WrestleMania. I’m not sure why they seriously thought Jacqueline with the title would be any more of a good idea than, say, the Ultimo Dragon or Brian Kendrick. Chavo dominates even with one arm tied behind his back (because she’s a chick). She mule kicks him in the nuts and gets two, so Chavito rolls to the floor where Chavo Classic unties his arm. Chavo clotheslines Jacqueline with his newly free hand. The Gory Bomb finishes at 4:50. The only thing this match did was kill any heat Chavo had so that when Rey Mysterio came calling for a feud later on in the Summer, it served to drag them both down. 1/4* U.S. Title: John Cena vs. Rene Dupree. Dupree was running down America because he’s French, and that’s what French people do. John Cena is a Marine and patriot, so he objected to such behavior. Cole worries about the possibility of a French U.S. Champion. Bad start to the match as Cena tries to clothesline Dupree over, but Rene just bounces off the ropes. Rene tosses him into the post and poses. Dupree actually works in the Flair Flip to the apron and yanks down the ropes as Cena tries a crossbody. Cena just SPLATS on the floor. Back in, Rene grabs a bearhug. Cena comes back with a flying shoulderblock and a sideslam. The Five-Knuckle Shuffle misses, and Dupree works in THE FRENCH TICKLER~! I’m a Frenchman. I’m a Frenchman. He misses but slips out of Cena’s FU attempt and hits a neckbreaker for two. Cena rolls him up for two and catches Rene trying to slip over his shoulder. Cena simply catches him and FU’s him for the win at 9:54. Cena was not a guy who could carry anyone at this point, but they did try really hard to have a good match, and the story (US vs. Them) is hard to screw up. Cena celebrates with the fans. **1/2 Kenzo Suzuki promo. Man, they really crapped out with all of their rolls of the dice in 2004. The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs. Booker T. Booker had just come over from Raw in the original shake-up draft. He claimed to be the biggest star (a big fish) on Smackdown (a small pond). Taker objected, so Booker went to a voodoo priestess named Mama Sangre to get some sort of whammy that he could use to hex the Undertaker’s super deadman powers. No seriously. Taker had just returned to the gimmick he currently uses – that of Gothic guy in a muscle shirt. Taker no-sells a lot and clotheslines Booker down. Booker seeks comfort from his ground up chicken bones (or whatever is in the bag). Taker dominates until Booker snaps his throat on the top rope and hits a missile dropkick. Taker slugs his way back and hits the flying clothesline. VINTAGE UNDERTAKER~! The Oldschool Ropewalk Forearm sets up a Flatliner into a Butterfly Lock. Taker had not yet perfected the submission style he uses today. Booker slips out of the Last Ride and bumps the ref. That allows him to toss the dust into the Taker’s eyes. That just pisses him off. Dammit, Mama Sangre, ya screwed me! Taker misses a big boot, though, allowing Booker to take over. He gets two off a flying leg lariat. Taker no-sells the Scissors Kick and chokeslams Booker. That sets up the Tombstone at 11:28. The match sucked thanks to Taker’s complete unwillingness to take Booker seriously. The loss would send Booker back to the midcard until the 2006 King of the Ring gave him the King Booker gimmick that somewhat revitalized his career. *1/4 Recap of JBL giving Mama Guerrero a heart attack. Wow, that’s tasteless in retrospect. JBL rips off Ivan Drago, saying, “If she dies, she dies.” WWE Heavyweight Title: Eddy Guerrero vs. John Bradshaw Layfield. Oddly enough, JBL was hand-picked by Guerrero because they were friends, and Eddy felt that carrying the brand was not conducive to his sobriety… period (to steal a line from Daniel Baldwin). JBL says he had to fire his Mexican maid for stealing from him, but if Eddy’s mom recovers, he’ll hire her. That’s almost descending into comic book heeldom. Eddy storms the ring and tosses JBL to the floor. He tosses JBL over the Spanish table and chokes him out with the camera cable. JBL tries to run, but Eddy chases him down and drags him back in. Finally, JBL reverses a whip and sends Eddy into the steps to take over. JBL grounds the match with a headlock. Eddy shoots him off and hits a pair of armdrags. He gets brash, though, and goes for a pescado. JBL catches him and splats Eddy with a Fallaway Slam. Eddy charges and gets backdropped into the Spanish Table. Bradshaw looks winded and disoriented. Eddy tries a backflip over a backdrop attempt but lands on his face. I assume that was just a miscommunication, and JBL thought they were going to do an actual backdrop. Eddy slugs out of the bearhug, dropkicks Bradshaw in the chest, and hits the triple verticals. Eddy ducks the Clothesline from Hell, but the ref winds up in the wrong place at the wrong time and gets run over by Eddy. Eddy tosses JBL over the announce table, and NOW things get really interesting. Eddy goes out to get him, but JBL hits the mother of all chairshots, causing Eddy to bleed buckets. I mean, it’s just POURING all over the outside mat, Eddy’s chest, Eddy’s forehead, Bradshaw’s chest, the canvas. JBL adds another shot, this time with the steel steps. To the ring, JBL works the cut and hits the Clothesline from Hell. New ref! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! JBL tries another clothesline, but Eddy ducks, and the new ref goes flying out of the ring. “Crimson Mask” is kind of an overused term, but this time it actually looks like Eddy is wearing a red mask. JBL gets two off a powerbomb as the first ref recovers. Eddy hulks up and counters a Fallaway Slam to a DDT. Cool. Eddy comes off for the frogsplash, but JBL rolls out of the way. JBL rolls to the floor and tosses in a chair to distract the ref so he can bring in the title belt. Eddy goes low behind the ref’s back and steals the belt. The ref turns, but Eddy is so pissed now that he smashes JBL in the face with the belt anyway. That’s enough for a DQ at 23:12. The fans are pissed at the non-decisive finish. Eddy goes psycho, though, and NAILS JBL with a chairshot. JBL scurries into the ring and begs off, but Eddy hits him with another one. Finally, the refs drag JBL out. Eddy still hasn’t had enough, though, so he chases JBL down and pummels him. How upset is Eddy? Well, it takes Dean Malenko, Arn Anderson, Steve Keirn and Fit Finlay to pull him off. The match itself has received a kind of online reputation that it doesn’t really deserve. 1) Because Eddy’s bladejob is now infamous and 2) Because of a row between Scott Keith and roving forumer Tim Cooke over how good it was (Scott Keith says barely above average, Tim says MOTY by a mile). That caused a lot of anti-Scott Keith people to vaunt this match to legendary status out of spite. How vaunted? “Best U.S. match of the decade” is overdoing it a tad, I’d say. In truth, it’s one of those cases where two people can see the same thing and have two different perspectives. Scott saw a number of botches and a JBL who looked nervous and out-of-place early on. Tim saw a well-structured match based on psychology and storytelling. The match really does have all of that. IMHO, though, it lands somewhere in the middle. Certainly not a MOTYC, because 2004 was full of them, but a minor classic for those who want to take the time to watch a good brawl. ***3/4

The 411: The show turned in a buyrate so bad that, had Eddy Guerrero not voluntarily opted out of his title reign, they almost certainly would have taken the belt off him anyway. It's not all Eddy's fault. For one thing, the promotional material for the show all centered around the Undertaker vs. Booker T (complete with tasteful burning cross on the poster). The roster had just been reshuffled and, as usual, Smackdown got screwed. This is not to mention that they lost two of their biggest stars at the beginning of the year – Brock Lesnar to NFL tryouts and Benoit to Raw. Really, with what amounts to a skeleton crew on the undercard, it's a wonder that they did as many buys as they did. The main event is worth a look, but it's not worth sitting through one of the blandest undercards ever. Thumbs down here.

Final Score:  4.5   [ Poor ]