wrestling / Video Reviews
Jack Likes Wrestlemania III Part 2: Wrestlemania 23
Loading...WRESTLEMANIA 23
Over 80,000 are jam packed into Ford Field in Detroit for Wrestlemania 23: Wrestlemania III’s 20th anniversary! The fact that they’d make ‘Mania III such a significant part of the marketing for an event 20 years later reasserts its position as the most magical ‘Mania of them all. As good as Wrestlemanias X-7 and XIX were, they’ll barely be mentioned at 37 or 39. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are still your Raw commentators, but there’s a change in the Smackdown booth as Michael Cole calls the action with JBL, in his first run as commentator when he was genuinely superb. He still shows flashes of that excellence today but not nearly enough. ECW reformed as WWE’s third, least significant brand in the summer of 2006, and Joey Styles and Tazz are representing them in their, um, one match. The set for this Wrestlemania is superb. So bright and vibrant, with a crisp blue and white colour scheme! I worry that’s the most boring sentence I’ve written in these reviews.
MATCH 1- MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH- JEFF HARDY VS. CM PUNK VS. MATT HARDY VS. FINLAY VS. KEN KENNEDY VS. EDGE VS. RANDY ORTON VS. KING BOOKER
Booker delves under the ring but comes up with only a small stepladder, which I think was a reference to something Hornswoggle did on the previous Smackdown. He’s not pleased with this development, but CM Punk demonstrates the undersized ladder’s potential by using it as a weapon against the King. Edge takes as many people as possible out with Spears, but his sometime tag partner Randy Orton prevents him from grabbing the briefcase by pushing his ladder over, sending him flying out to the floor. Jeff Hardy climbs the giant ladder and seems poised to gain a swift victory, but Matt Hardy, perhaps not entirely selflessly, points out to his brother that he’s draped Edge across a ladder propped between the apron and the guardrail. The Daredevil can’t resist, and plunges into the Rated R-Superstar with a Swanton, breaking the ladder completely! A genuinely jaw dropping dive, one of the more underrated in Ladder match history. Edge is stretchered to the back- apparently he was coming into Wrestlemania with injury concerns and it was decided he should be written out of the match before its conclusion. So naturally they sandwiched him between an aggressively plummeting human and a bunch of twisted steel. To save him from injury, you see! Back in the ring, Orton is RKOing everyone he can get his hands on, and caps this run off by dumping CM Punk from way up high with the move! Seemingly pleased with its success, he tries the same to King Booker, but gets dropped himself with a super Bookend! Booker seems on the brink of victory, so Matt Hardy seizes Sharmell and threatens to deliver the Twist of Fate! Booker has a tough ethical decision to make. He decides to save his wife and it says a lot about the moral character of many wrestling personalities that it seems really, really strange he’d be so noble. Finlay is too pained to climb the ladder, so he sends Hornswoggle up to grab the briefcase instead! The supposed leprechaun struggles to reach the prize when he’s up there, but that’s the least of his problems, as a grumpy Ken Kennedy joins him up top… and brings him crashing down to earth with a Green Bay Plunge! Punk and Kennedy meet each other at the top of the ladder and do the ladder match equivalent of some near falls. Punk seems on the brink of victory when he shoves Double K to the canvas, but Kennedy retaliates by spearing another ladder into him, and that allows the rule breaker to grab the briefcase and win the match! **** ¼. A dazzling opener! Without Shelton Benjamin around to shake things up no one seemed to have any idea how to incorporate the ladder in an original fashion, so they worked around by incorporating inventive spots to which the gimmick was incidental, such as Matt Hardy threatening Sharmell or Finlay using Hornswoggle as his secret weapon. The action was relentless, the star power huge, and everyone got a moment to shine. Some of the stretches of finishers, when Edge was hitting everyone with the Spear or Orton was delivering RKOs left and right, felt like they were only there because they couldn’t think of anything more interesting to do at the time. That’s a minor complaint though, they only lasted for a few seconds at a time.
MATCH 2- KANE VS. THE GREAT KHALI
This is about as good as you would expect! WWE were interested in doing a match with Hulk Hogan to commemorate the 20th anniversary of him slamming Andre the Giant at ‘Mania III, but they were unable to come to terms and Hogan did his own tribute in Memphis against the Big Show. WWE threw this bout together as a bit of a pastiche. There are a couple of instances of Khali channelling Andre, such as when he gets tangled up in the ropes as the Giant was prone to do. The most obvious reference is of course when Kane hoists Khali off his feet and drops him with a body slam! He tries to follow up with a choke slam (I don’t recall Hogan doing that), but Khali grasps Kane’s throat as well, and his superior strength ensures he gets his own choke slam and wins the match (pretty sure that’s not how Wrestlemania III ended either). ½ *. That was sluggish and generally awful.
Eugene is feeling glum after Vince McMahon shaved his head on Raw as a warning to Donald Trump. Cryme Tyme try and cheer him up by treating him to a dance from the salacious trio of Kelly Kelly, Brooke Adams and Layla, but Eugene remains nonplussed- until the Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young join the fray! That triggers a giant dance party involving a bizarre array of legends, ranging from Dusty Rhodes to Ricky Steamboat to I.R.S! Ron Simmons delivers the catchphrase. That was great!
MATCH 3- UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP- CHRIS BENOIT VS. M.V.P
With typical arrogance, M.V.P declared he would be the best man to hold the United States title, and tried to demonstrate it by beating various ‘champions’ from around the world in short order. The opening stages of this match indicate that it wasn’t just empty talk from Porter though- he outwrestles the legendary technician Benoit in the early going. It’s a properly good sequence as well, some of the nicest exchanges of holds and counter holds there’s ever been at a Wrestlemania. M.V.P seems to have as many ideas as Benoit does as well. It’s a super impressive display. They don’t transition brilliantly to the more up tempo part of the match though, it feels like one minute they were still cautiously trading submissions on the mat and then all of a sudden Benoit’s throwing out bucketloads of German suplexes. M.V.P dumps him to the canvas with a superplex, but the Wolverine absorbs the impact and counters into a pinning combination for a two count. Throughout the match, the challenger has been working on Benoit’s shoulder, and it seems to have paid off when Chris can’t clasp the Crossface on because of the pain. When the time comes he’s able to dish out more German suplexes with minimal fuss though, and the Swandive Headbutt provides a somewhat anti-climactic finish. ** ¾. There was too much wrong with the latter stages of the match to go any higher, but the opening few minutes were fascinating and a really clever way to put M.V.P over as completely on Benoit’s level, while still handing him a decisive defeat. This rivalry stretched on to Judgment Day but I don’t think I’ve seen any of their later matches, I’m quite intrigued to now. There was a lot of potential here.
MATCH 4- WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP- BATISTA VS. THE UNDERTAKER
The Undertaker won the 2007 Royal Rumble and decided to challenge Batista for his World Championship. The build was filled with tension and mind games!
Batista tears into the Deadman from the get go, sending him hard into the steel steps, then taking him off his feet in the ring with a flying shoulderblock! An exciting start, but it does nothing to change the mind of this crowd, who are definitely in favour of the Deadman. He soon shows why he deserves such admiration, soaring through the sky with one of his remarkable Topes! The brawl spills over towards the announce tables. Who will get put through one? The Undertaker! Batista drives him through with a powerslam! From there the match falls away a bit, as it becomes an entertaining but fairly typical exchange of finishers. Batista can’t get his signature powerbomb, so he tries for ten punches in the corner, one of the many wrestlers mysteriously drawn to attempting that move against the Deadman. Maybe it’s one of his less recognised supernatural powers! It’s a good one if it is, because as usual Taker counters the punches with the Last Ride. It draws a near fall. Batista roars back with a spinebuster… but Taker sits up! Chokeslam! Two count! Tombstone! Countered! Batista Bomb! Two count! Batista decides his only recourse is to try and steal the Tombstone for himself, but Taker shifts his weight and shows Batista how it’s done to claim the World Heavyweight Championship! *** ¼. There was a lot of negativity in the build up to this match about how it was going to be a really underwhelming title fight, and when it turned out to be really quite good I think some viewers went too far in the opposite direction and started proclaiming it a Match of the Year candidate. It’s not that by a long shot- the first half of the match is thrilling, with tons of huge, explosive spots worthy of a Wrestlemania. The second half felt like they’d run out of steam, or as if they’d forgotten what they’d actually planned for the finishing stretch and had to resort to all the finisher kick outs as a Plan B. As a whole, the match also wasn’t as hard hitting as you might expect, which took a bit of edge off it. Still, it was definitely a good match, definitely a lot better than expected, and kind of marked a shift in Undertaker’s career- except for maybe his regurgitated feuds with the Big Show and Kane in 2008 and 2010 respectively, I don’t recall anyone ever thinking his bouts would be the worst on any given PPV ever again.
Stephanie McMahon brings her newly born daughter in to see Vince. The grandfather gleefully describes to the child in graphic detail how he’s going to maim Donald Trump. McMahon is so funny when he wants to be.
MATCH 5- THE ECW ORIGINALS VS. THE NEW BREED
Vince McMahon professed his hatred for ECW and the likes of Rob Van Dam, Sabu, The Sandman and Tommy Dreamer, who were helping to keep the flame of extreme alive. To combat them he anointed Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, Matt Striker and Kevin Thorn their replacements. His decision would be vindicated when Kevin Thorn won the 2015 Royal Rumble and went on to beat Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania 31. At Wrestlemania 23, he was part of a incredibly average eight man tag. For ECW aficionados it would have been rewarding to see the likes of Sabu and Sandman and Dreamer make it to the grandest stage, but in terms of wrestling action their rematch with the New Breed in a street fight a couple of nights later on ECW TV would have been more satisfying. Sabu brings some nice moves to the match in a solid performance, including a daring Somersault Plancha! With the ring cleared, Van Dam hits Striker with a Five Star Frog Splash and gets the pin. **.
MATCH 6- BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES- LASHLEY VS. UMAGA
Lashley made his billions from his travelling circus act as ‘the man with the world’s kindest face.’ Umaga invented the lightbulb in 1876 and sold his creation to Thomas Edison three years later for a truly obscene amount of cash. Plot twist! Russo style swerve! None of what I just wrote is true. No, Lashley and Umaga were actually representing Donald Trump and Vince McMahon respectively, with the losing wrestler costing his billionaire backer his zany, zany hair. Stone Cold Steve Austin is your special guest referee and I’m sure everyone involved is thrilled with that decision! The barber’s chair wheels itself to the ring and is rewarded for this impressive feat with its own jaunty entrance theme.
Vince McMahon is not the only man in Umaga’s corner- his ‘handler’ Armando Estrada is also watching out for him. Unfortunately for the rule breakers, his early attempt at interference sees Lashley powerslam him and discard him over the top rope with ease, making him a non factor in the rest of the match. Umaga gets revenge by throwing Lashley clean under the top rope, forcing him into a nasty spill on the floor. He locks a choke hold on in the ring, forcing Steve Austin to demonstrate his abrasive refereeing style by pulling the Bulldozer off by his braided hair! A big clothesline from Lashley knocks both men down. Austin counts them out to nine, then decides he doesn’t think the match should be a draw and rules that it’s no count-outs. This raises the question- if it had been a draw, would McMahon and Trump be bound by the Simpsons-Flanders precedent, and both have to complete the forfeit? That would have been a Wrestlemania moment for sure! Shane McMahon makes his way to ringside to help his father’s cause. Austin gets physical with Umaga again to try and enforce the rules, and receives a Samoan Spike! Shane takes his chance to hit the ring and show off his fancy punches, before crunching a trash can into Lashley’s skull with the Coast to Coast dropkick! The Boy Wonder unbuttons his smart shirt, but he’s not getting sexy, he’s got a referee shirt on underneath! Umaga hits a big splash, and the con seems to be on! One, two- Austin drags Shane out the ring! The Samoan Bulldozer wonders who this bald headed fellow is who keeps ruining his fun, and mauls him once again. Donald Trump has had enough and attacks Vince McMahon! He lands a respectable clothesline and then some of the worst punches you’ll ever see, he delivers them like a really poorly made robot. Umaga is still distracted by Austin and tries to spike him again, but the Rattlesnake ducks and hits the Stunner! Lashley crashes into his foe with the Spear, and a three count secures the fate of Vince’s hair! ***. This was plenty of fun, although it lacked the intersecting storylines and blood and massive melodrama of the best McMahon matches. Lashley and Umaga put on really creditable performances, they could easily have been overshadowed by all the guest stars but they threw some exciting power moves at each other, took some big falls, and made the match as much about them as it could justifiably be. Post match, Vince takes a very thorough head shaving and goes almost completely bald, although it would grow back fairly quickly, perhaps because of his legendary virility. It’s not all fun and games for Donald Trump though, as Austin gleefully hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner as Lashley watches on in bemusement. Trump continues his robotic selling technique. This time, it’s as if the robot has got old and rusted and then somehow it suddenly caved it on itself.
MATCH 7- LUMBERJILL MATCH FOR THE WWE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP- MELINA VS. ASHLEY
More feuds about Playboy and nonsense. Ashley was the cover girl and Melina was used to getting all the attention so now they’re having a championship match. Ashley is absolutely abysmal. In the pantheon of mid noughties Playboy cover girls, she’s worse than both Christy Hemme and Candice Michelle. There’s the usual spots with the lumberjills, they throw Melina back in the ring but she recovers from this crippling blow to win with a bridging pinning combination. All the lumberjills brawl post match. ¼ *.
MATCH 8- WWE CHAMPIONSHIP- JOHN CENA VS. SHAWN MICHAELS
Michaels won the number one contendership in a Triple Threat against Randy Orton and Edge, and began an intriguing battle of nerve with Cena, as the two became tag team champions while the world wondered precisely when Shawn would turn on his Wrestlemania opponent. He did so on the final Raw before the big show, cracking him with Sweet Chin Music!
The match begins in timid fashion. Michaels provides the first highlight as he whips into Cena with an Asai Moonsault, squashing him against the announce table. Shawn pursues the leg and here the match falls down because his attacks are quite dull. It’s just stomping and some chop blocks. It doesn’t really go anywhere either as Cena shrugs off the pain with relative ease, meaning this wearisome stretch was all for naught. Discussion about this match often centres around whether Cena sold the leg injury sufficiently; I think he could have done better, there was no need to be limping around all match but he transitions from “very uncomfortable” to “basically fine” a bit too quickly. It does much less to spoil the match than the monotony of Michaels’ knee moves, though. An errant Sweet Chin Music wipes out Mike Chioda, and Shawn takes advantage of this new anarchic environment by dragging the champion to the floor and dropping him with a piledriver on the ring steps! Things are picking up! HBK continues his rally with a flying forearm and drops his signature elbow off the top. Cena battles back and attempts the F-U, but Michaels wriggles him into a roll-up for a two count. Another F-U is on the cards, and this one connects! The champ is too worn down to cover immediately though, and when he does Michaels kicks out at two. Like many other WWE wrestlers, Cena thinks “I shall try my finisher from the top rope!” but HBK pushes him down to the mat. He flies off after him, but Cena catches him and puts him in position for another F-U! But Michaels lands on his feet! Sweet Chin Music is ducked! STFU! This finishing stretch is pretty ace. Michaels seems in real peril but eventually inches to the ropes- Cena is highly reluctant to break, and spends so much time arguing with the referee that Shawn recovers and hits him with Sweet Chin Music! One, two, kick-out! Michaels gropes Cena’s cock. I don’t think that was intentional. Cena tries for another F-U, again it’s countered, but this time Shawn gets seized and the STFU is reapplied. This time, it’s enough to keep the championship round John Cena’s waist! *** ½. I wasn’t particularly enamoured with the earlier stages of the match. Technically it was just fine, and there were a smattering of fun moments, Michaels’ Asai Moonsault being a particular highlight. A good chunk of this bout was slow though, and not all that significant- they probably would have been better off if they’d headlined a B-level PPV with lower expectations, because this match felt like it went half an hour because other good matches have gone half an hour. Although, a couple of weeks later they’d go for almost an hour on Raw and it was arguably a better match, so maybe they were just having an off night. I say ‘off night-‘ this was still a very good match, as the near falls were really fantastic, full of twisty transitions culminating in big, spiky moves. On most other shows it would have redeemed the plodding earlier sections entirely, but it’s not unreasonable to ask for a little bit more from a Wrestlemania main event. Still, this was a step up from 22’s main event, and is quite possibly the best thing Cena’s ever done on the Grandest Stage of Them All, which is weird because he’s really good and you’d think he’d have a better ‘Mania match to demonstrate it. Maybe his 26 match with Batista is better. We’ll see.
