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Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals…and a Happy New Year!

I was going to write a little mock poem ala Night Before Christmas, but the WWE does it first and I’m not gonna try and match the sheer beauty they created with just a few lines of rhyming poetry. Wow, guys…just wow.

We start this totally live edition of RAW with Elias singing a song. Elias says it’s better to give than to receive, and he will shortly give us what we’ve wanted for a long time – beating Lashley in a Street Fight. Before that, he has an original Christmas Song for us.

He sings a great jam before Lashley and Lio come out all pissed.

Match 1: Bobby Lashley vs Elias
Lashley starts rough, attacking the neck. He grabs the hair of Elias and sends him into the corner face irst. Lashley with right hands then a few shoulder thrusts in the corner. He drops an elbow onot the head of Elias. Some right hands followed by some stomps. Lashley with a right hand, and Elias is sent to the outside. Lashley follows, grabs a plate, and he is about to attack, but Elais just throws a tree at him. He slaps Lashley a few times with the tree then chops him around the outside of the ring. ELias with a clothesline to Lashley. Elias finds a tree and grabs a kendo stick out of it. He is about to attack Lashley, but Lio is there to grab the stick out of his hands. Lashley tries to run up on him, but a step toe hold sends Lashley into the steps hard.

We are back, and Elias hits an uppercut in the ring. Lashley stops a second attack with a faceplant. Lashley attacks from above. He points at Lio to head to the top rope. He does, and Lashley watches as Lio hits a Frog Splash….RIGHT ONTO SOME KNEES!! Lashley grabs Elias, goes for a suplex, but Elias lands on his feet and goes for a roll up for 1..2..NO!!! Elias hits the corner. He runs back into the center and Lashley hits a one handed spine buster. Right hand from Lashley. Lashley sends Elias out of the ring and follows. He steps directly onto the neck of Elias. Lashley sends Elias into the barricade back first. Elias strategically aligns some presents then hits a body slam onto them. Lashley sends Elias back into the ring then hits a belly to belly. Lio hands Lashley a wrapped box. Lashley dumps it onto the mat. It’s a bunch of freakin legos! Laslhey drags Elias over to the corner. He sends Elias up, and sets him up for a Superplex.ELias fights back, preventing the suplex. Because it’s apparently too harsh to see, we turn away from Lashley falling backfirst into the legos!

Lashley writhes in pain. He stands up, goes for Elias who is outside of the ring, and ELias has a fire hydrant!!! He sprays Lashley then etners the ring. Another big spray. He shoves Lashley into the ropes, and Lio is there! He flies off the apron onto a table! Elias hits Lashley in the gut with the fire extinguisher then goes to the outside and unwraps a gift. It’s a bowling ball. Elias enters the ring with the ball and looks to knock a few pins down. Lashley is sitting, legs spread in the corner. Elias rolls the ball to the…balls. Lashley sells it like crazy as Elias hoes back to the outside to unwrap a box with a cello in it.

He heads back into the ring and slaps Lashley across the back. Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Elias
Well….the crowd loved it.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

After the match, Elias goes and shoves cookies into the mouth of lio Rush, then dumps Egg Nog onto his head.

Last week, there was a tag team match for contendership, and my feed sucked so much ass that I didn’t see a single arm drag. The Revival one, getting them this match as a result.

Match 2: Chad Gable and Bobby Roode vs The Revival
Dawson distracts Roode and Dash goes for a quick rollup. He gets a 1, and both men back up. Wilder works the arm, and Dawson gets the tag He comes in and gets chopped into the corner. Tag to Gabnle. Chop from Roode. Whip to the corner and Gable whips Roode into the corner with a clothesline, then runs up atop Roode’s back and hits a monkey flip. Pin for 1…NO!! Gable works the left arm from behind. Dawson backs Gable into the corner, breaks the hold, then hits a right hand and a chop. Right hand to the head. Whip to the corner. Gable dives off, Dawson hits a shoulder tackle, slides under Gable, ducks uner a clothesline, arm drag from Gable. Head scissors! Wilder in and Gable sends him to the outside. Dawson with a flapjack ONTO the ropes, and Dash chokes him up! Pin for 1…2….NO!!!

We return to Dash getting a nice tag before a rollup. Dawson rolls in and sends Gable to the apron, then kicks him hard. Dawson distracts the ref and Dash hits Gable. Northern Lights into a pin for 1..2..N!! Dawson with a tag to Dash. Double team as Dawson drops Wilder into a leg drop. Pin for 1..2…NO!! Dash kicks Gable away a few times then hits an uppercut into the corner. He lifts Gable to the top rope then hits a hard chop to the chest. Another attempt, but Gable with an arm bar across the ropes. Dawson grabs Dash and whips him into the ring then gets a tag. Gable rolls in for a tag, but Dawson stops him. Back suplex from Gable. Gable finally gets a tag. Tag to Wilder. Back body drop off the ropes by Bobby. Suplex to Dash. One for Dawson. Roode catches a kick of Dash and flips him ONTO Dawson. Pretty cool spot. Shoulder tackle int othe corner. Clothesline sends Dawson over the top rope. SPINEBUSTER! Pin for 1..2……NO!!!! Roode heads to Gable for tag. Gets it. Roode with a neckbreaker hold but Dawson reverses and sends Roode into the corner shoulder first. Gable flips of the top rope, rolls through, locks up, and hits a GERMAN!!! Pin for 1..2..NO!! Dawson is there t o stop the pin. Tag to Dawson. Scott with a whip to the corner. Gable hops over and turns this into a pin for 1..2..NO!!!! Dawson locks the leg, spins, and sits into a pin for 1..2..N!O!! Gable with a jackknife cover for 1..2…NO!!! Dawson powerso ut!! Gable wants the backslide, but Dash gets a tag. He’s in, locks up. GERMAN assisted by Dawson! Wow. Pin for 1..2….NO!!!! Roode tries to interfere, but he’s sent to the outside. Dash and Wilder try to double team, but Roode comes in with a spear. Gable with a rollup for 1..2….3!!! BUt he’s pinned the wrong guy. Ref doesn’t realize it. Match is over.

Gable with a rollup for 1..2….3!!! BUt he’s pinned the wrong guy. Ref doesn’t realize it. Match is over.

Winners: Roode and Gable
That was pretty and fun…
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***¾

Backstage, The B-Team tries to sell shirts to Apollo annoyingly.

We get some previews for the new callups.

Dolph Ziggler cuts a selfie promo.

Immediately after, the dude that matters comes out.

Charley asks Drew if he is worried about a double team. Drew wonders if a mountain lion is worried when it sees two deer. He says they are limited and he is limitless. If by some miracle, they do get the upperhand, their pride and ego will get the best of them. Drew tells everyone to listen. He is going to win the Royal Rumble. Then, Drew will fulfill his prophecy.

Match 3: Drew McIntyre vs Dolph Ziggler vs Finn Balor
Drew attacks both men immediately, chopping Finn and slaping Dolph on the back. He chops Dolph in the corner then eats a kick from Finn. Elbow from Dolph. Elbow drom Finn. Drew misses a clothelsine. Finn hits a right. Drew won’t go down. Finn and Dolph look at each other then sends Drew to the outside. Dolph with a rollup for 1..2..NO!!! Dolph attacks Finn with a right hand. Another. He scrapes the face against the ropes. Dolph whips Finn. Reversed. Dolph hops over and rolls up but Finn rols through and hits a kick. Clothesline to Dolph, falling to the outside. Finn hits the ropes. He is caught by Drew, who pulls him out and sends him backfirst int othe barricade. Dolph runs around the ring and tries to attack, but Drew catches him and drops him back first ont othe apron.

We return to Drew working a hold onto Finn. He whips Finn to the outside just as Drew is crawling in. Drew locks up then hits a delayed suplex. Nice. Pin for 1..2…NO! Drew mounts then hits some right hands. Drew with another right to the forehead. Drew grabs the hand and stomps it a few times. Drew, from behind, works the arm and chin. Finn is in as Drew sends Dolph out. Stomp to FInn. He shoves finn and Fin fights back. Dolph is back in, hits an elbow to Drew, then some rights. Kick to Drew. He goes for a kick but Drew hits a headbutt. Drew lifts Finn up and gets dropped then stomped. Dropkick to the back. Finn heads to the top rope. He dives off! Misses. Dolph in with a Zig Zag! Pin for 1..2…..NO!!! Elbow from Drew. Drew grabs Dolph. Alabama Slama ONTO Finn! Cover for 1..2….NO!!! Cover for 1…2..NO!!! Drew slinks over to the corner and waits for Finn to stand. Finn does, and Drew thinks Claymore, but Fin hits a slingblade. Swinging kick from Finn. Finn gets to the top rope. Ziggler crotches him. He goes for a DDT, but Drew tosses him. Dolph lands on his feet. Headbutt. SUPERKICK! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! COUP DE GRACE breaks it up!

Finn sends Drew to the outside. He hits. dorpkick into the corner. Finn to the top rope! Coup De Grace!!! Cover for 1..2……3!!!

Winner: Finn Balor
Nice…real nice
Match Quality: ***
Personal Enjoyment: ****
Total Rating: ***½

Drew heads to Dolph to talk some shit. Dolph hits him with a zig zag.

Mr McMahon is here to give us some gifts. Cena is back, the women have tag team titles, and next week we will get a steel cage match with Drew vs Dolph.

Vince removes the wig and shit, and wonders if people have ever seen the movie Bad Santa.

Match 4: Mickie James, Dana Brooke, and Alicia Fox vs Sasha Banks, Bayley, and Ember Moon
Ember and Mickie to start. Lockup is thwarted by Ember as she slides in a rollup for 1…NO!! Mickie works the arm. Ember flips out of the hold and reverses. Mickie goes for a right, Ember blocks. Kick. Another kick. She misses a third. Mickie hits a running Kick. Cover for 1..2..NO! Ember shoves Mickie, locks on with her legs, and flips Mickie away. Dana distract. Alicia tags herself in. Ember kicks her in the face. Ember dives through the middle ropes onto Mickie! Ember rolls Mickie into the ring. Alicia, on the apron, hits a huge big boot.

We are back and Mickie is kicking Ember in the corner. Mickie slams Ember down hard then covers for 1..2…NO! Mickie with another cover for 1..2..NO!! Mickie with a kick to the back. Tag to Alicia. Tag to Dana. She front flips onto Ember and covers for 1..2..NO!!! Cravat from behind. Dana sends Sasha off the apron then tries for a springboard elbow, but misses. Ember tags in Bayley, who hits an axe handle. A back elbow. A knee to the face. Bayley with a side suplex. Bayley with a right han to Alicia. Shoulder in the corner. Bayley runs right into a clothesline. Tag to Mickie who comes in and dives,then gets dorpped onto the turnbuckle. Tag to Sasha who comes in and swings some knees into Mickie’s face. Sasha to the top rope >She dives off with the knees and covers for 1..2.NO!!! Alicia stop the pin. The Eclipse from Ember to Alicia!!! Sasaha up. Blocks a right. Backsta—-no, Mickie drops and kicks Sasha.

Tag from Bayley. Backstabber. Bayley to Belly. Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winners: Sasha Banks, Bayley, and Ember Moon
Pretty sloppy, yo…
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

As the girls celebrate, The Riot Squad attacks from behind. They send the faces out of the ring and laugh maniacally, because they are evil, you see.

Y’all, Heyman is in the ring. He sings his rendition of Silent Night, and it’s pretty bad. He brings up the Rumble and says that when Braun was just a little monster he wanted a little replica title, but now that he’s grown, he wants the real deal. Heyman says that he’s going to shoot from the hip with Braun; there is no way that Santa is going to deliver to him the Universal Title at the expense of Brock. Rudolph won’t be able to find him a path to the title. All Braun is going to get from Santa is one big lump of coal and at the Royal Rumb—-

BRAAAAAAUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!

Heyman tells Braun Merry Christmas. He says he’s just an advocate. Braun brings out a little red nose, and puts it on Heyman. He puts reindeer ears onto Heyman. Heyman calls him The Red-Nosed Advocate. He has a message for Brock. At Rumble, he will be healed and Brock is going to get these hands.

Match 5: WWE RAW Women’s Championship
Ronda Rousey vs Natalya
Lockup and Nattie gets a side headlock takedown. Ronda with the leg scissors, but Nattie escapes and locks her head up again. Ronda standso ut of it and we get a standoff. Nattie is all smiles. Lokcup again and ROnda works the side, tries to toss Nattie down and does. Nattie rolls this into a pin for 1…NO!!! Ronda standso ut of it. Nattie works the arm. Ronda escapes, spins, does her own, Ronda works the hand. Nattie rolls out then up then hits a side headlock takedown. Nattie hits the ropes. Ronda shoves her down with a shoulder tackle. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Lockup and Nattie gets Ronda down on her stomach. Roll over into a side headlock. Ronda escapes and works the arm from behind. Rousey turns it into a pin for 1..2..NO!!! ROnda rolls over the back and goes full wrestling bitch on Nattie. She wants the arm bar, but Nattie rolls into ….a triangle hold!!! She’s got her arm in to prevent a full choke. Nattie escapes and works a hold from behind. Ronda stands up, Ronda turns into it, arm drag and a cover for 1..2.NO!!!

Nattie with a leg takedown, goes for a deathlock. Ronda on her back. Ref calls for a 1..2..NO!!! Ronda shoots the leg. Side headlock. Coer for 1..2..NO!! Nattie with a takedown. Slap and Ronda locks in a leg scissors. Ref calls for a pin on Ronda, tho for 1..2..NO!!! Nattie tries to escape as Ronda locks in the hold. Headlock as well as a leg scissors. Nattie stands up, Ronda gets tossed over her head. Nattie grabs the legs, wants the sharpshooter, but Ronda kicks her to the outside.

Back from a break, and nattie has a leg scissors on Ronda. Ronda with a back elbow to Nattie’s face. Nattie goes for a front face lock,but Ronda stands out of it. Kick from Nattie and a suplex. Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Nattie with a sleeper hold. Ronda flips her over and escapes the hold. Nattie with a clothesline. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Abdominable stretch to Ronda. Nattie pulls the leg!!! Nice. Ronda suplexes Nattie away. Dropkick from Nattie. She rolls Ronda over and gets. pin for 1..2..NO!! Nattie locks the head up. Goes for a suplex. Hits it! Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Ronda is in the corner and Nattie rushes it. Ronda side steps. Hits a clothesline. She gets a few jabs in the corner. Ronda says she didn’t wanna do this. Arm drag. Ronda with a step up knee! Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Nattie up. Ronda goes for another one. Nattie catches and rolls up for 1..2.NO!!! Natie with a spinning clothesline! Pin or 1..2….NO!!! Nattie gras the legs. She looks for a sharpshooter. Ronda kicks her away. Ronda gets her up on the shoulders. Ronda with the Piper’s Pit! ROnda grabs the arm of Nattie, hesitates, waits a bit, and natite grabs the leg, goes for the Sharpshooter! She locks it in! Ronda reaches out! She is close to the ropes. Nattie pulls Ronda back to the center of the ring. Ronda keeps crawling. She reaches the ropes but Nattie puls her again.

Nattie releases just a second, and Ronda escapes!!! ARM BAR!!! Nattie taps!

Winner: Ronda Rousey
Cute story, but maybe a little TOO dramatic…
Match Quality: ***1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***1/2
Total Rating: ***½

They hug it out in the center of the ring as the ref stands awkwardly with the Women’s Title.

Dean Ambrose is somewhere dark. He wishes Seth luck. Well, not really. He wants to wish Seth what he deserves. He thinks Seth believes in Santa, but Seth won’t be getting what he asked for this year. Dean got the present he deserved – the title. Dean is doing this entire promo speaking to stage left as opposed to the camera. He then turns to face the cam to say Deck the Halls, Baby….

Uh…..so….Slater faces Jinder, then Santa interrupts, then Singh brothers attack Heath, then Santa helps Heath, then spears Jinder, and it’s Rhyno. So…..there’s that.

About five hours of time pass by then the match starts…

Match 7: Seth Rollins vs Baron Corbin
Rollins with a huge kick out of the corner. Bunch of rights and lefts in the corner. Knee from Corbin. He sends Seth to the ropes. Seth comes back with a kick. Clothesline sends Corbin to the outside. Suicide dive from Seth. Chop from Seth on the outside. He sends Baron into the apron then Corbin backs Seth into the apron. He tosses Seth into the ring. Seth with a kick. He goes for a stomp, but Corbin rolls to the outside so Seth hits the ropes and hits a suicide dive! Seth sends Corbin back into the ring. Right hand to Crobin. Another. More into the corner. Corbin sends Seth onto the apron. Seth hits a right from the apron. Corbin knocks him off the top rope, and Seth falls to the outside.

Back from a commercial, and Baron sends Rollins to the corner. Corbin rushes the corner, slides to the outside, back inside and hits a clothesline. Cover. 1..2..NO!!! Corbin attacks Seth with right hands to the head. Corbin screams to the crowd. He stomps the back of Seth. Corbin drops an elbow onto Seth. He drops another onto the chest. Cravat with an elevated rest hold. Seth stands and turns into the hold. Whip to the corner. Corbin shoots for it, slides under the ring, back in, Seth ducks and kicks then hits a blockbuster off the top rope. Seth with a right. Block. Right. Another. Chop. Rope work and Slingblade all from Rollins. Kick and Seth locks up for a suplex. Corbin reverses and stalls in the air,but Seth hits a knee. Kick out of the corner. Seth hops over, hits the ropes, Corbin shoots him up, Seth lands on his feet. Falcon arrow! Cover for 1..2.NO!! Seth calls to burn it down. He kicks the gut, goes for the stomp, Corbin pushes him away, Seth hits the ropes, DEEP SIX!!! Pin for 1…2….NO!!! Corbin grabs Seth, puts him in the corner, lifts him to the top, then hits a right hand. Corbin goes to the top as well. He grabs the head of Seth and locks up for a Superplex. Seth with a right. Another. Corbin hits a right, and Seth tumbles down to the apron. Seth with a kick. Springboard Corbin catches him. Chokeslam onto the knee! Pin for 1…2…NO!!!

Corbin rushes the corner. Seth steps aside. Kick to the face from Seth! Stomp! Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Seth Rollins
Man…Corbin is just not fun to watch…
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

End Show