Ring Crew Reviews: WCW Halloween Havoc 1995

• Scheduled Card:
1. WCW Television Championship: Johnny B. Badd vs. Diamond Dallas Page (c).
2. Zodiac vs. Macho Man Randy Savage.
3. Kurasawa vs. Road Warrior Hawk.
4. J. L. vs. Sabu.
5. Meng vs. Lex Luger.
6. Arn Anderson & Flyin’ Brian Pillman vs. Ric Flair & Sting.
7. Monster Truck Sumo Match: Hulk Hogan vs. The Giant.
8. Lex Luger vs. Macho Man Randy Savage.
9. WCW World Heavyweight Championship The Giant vs. Hulk Hogan (c).

• Some pretty wretched video package hypes Dark Side Hogan vs. Giant in a sumo style monster truck match tonight. There’s plenty of bad animation effects to go along with it.

• Tony and Brain are the crew tonight. They hype monster truck festivities and then we cutaway to Hogan and Giant playing a game of chicken with them out in the parking lot now. Back to Tony as he says Brian Pillman and Arn attacked Flair earlier tonight. Brain says Flair has no friends in the world even though he thinks Sting is on his side.

• WCW Television Championship: Johnny B. Badd vs. Diamond Dallas Page (c). You see Mero was supposed to get a US title shot against Sting but DDP and Maxx Muscle made sure that he had some flat tires and missed that shot, so instead he’s getting this shot. Page is still bossing around his wife for a bit of Macho/Elizabeth dynamic. DDP has a confetti cannon. Badd has a pretty slick HH-themed sequined cape. BUT WAIT! That’s an imposter as Badd jumps the rail and attacks DDP from behind. Badd with a couple of knees and whips DDP across and he bumps out of the ring for it. Badd follows out and gives DDP and Maxx a double nogginknocker. DDP tries talking a walk through the crowd and Mero gives chase and sends him into the guardrail. Mero finds a fucking bucket and puts it on DDP’s head and gives him a Mongolian chop on it and then throws DDP into the ringpost. Page no sells but runs into an armdrag, drop toe hold and Badd slaps on a resthold. Tony goes back to talking about the monster trucks. Brain: “Did you see the security on the roof? Detroit’s Finest are here. I’ve never seen that many boxes of donuts.” Badd works the arm down some more. DDP goes for a punch but Badd torques the bad arm. DDP counters but Badd kips up and pulls him down by the hair for payback. Back to the arm for Badd. DDP wants him to stop pulling the hair and Badd doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Nick Patrick admonishes him and Badd says who me? And then pulls DDP’s hair again to demonstrate what he’s NOT doing. Awesome. DDP pulls Nick’s shirt. Nick: “You get your hands off of me or your outta here!” Brain: “Don’t dirty up that shirt. It’s the cleanest one he’s had on today.”

• They do a leap frog sequence that ends with Badd getting a hip toss and floating over into a cover for 2. Pretty nice. Badd with a dropkick and mounts in the corner but DDP counters to a flapjack into the turnbuckle. DDP has a gimmick where Kimberly holds up numbered cards showing her approval but she holds up nothing for that. Page with a few boots to the gut and says it’s over. Page with some shoulder surges in the corner and drops a knee for 2. This is a pretty slow pace. Page whips him into the turnbuckle chest first and hits a back suplex for 2. Page wants a 10 and Kimberly reluctantly holds it up. DDP with a falling down Piledriver for 2. Page goes to the chinlock. Tony: “If her man is in control, why is Kimberly looking upset?” Brain: “She’s a ditz.” Tony: “She’s beautiful.” Badd tries elbowing out but DDP pulls him down by the hair for 2. BACKTOTHECHINLOCK! Page works it and then covers for 2. Badd with a backslide for 2 to a MASSIVE pop for that false finish. Page comes back with a clothesline for 2 to cut him off. Badd wants a sunset flip but DDP sits down on him for 2. Another reversal for 2 but DDP hits a powerslam now for 2. MOARCHINLOCK! Are these guys going half an hour or something? Mero tries to power out with a top wristlock but DDP takes him down for 2. Maxx distracts the ref and DDP now chokes Badd with some wrist tape. DDP stays on this hold for a week and a half, so long in fact that Tony starts pontificating about the DETROIT TIGERS’ NEW FUCKING STADIUM! Mero again goes to the top wristlock and just says fuck it and hits a back suplex. Badd’s too out of it to cover. Badd with a stop, drop, and roll that trips up DDP. DDP no sells fire prevention but Badd gives him a couple atomic drops and some jabs. Badd with a flying headscissors to a POP. Badd with a BADD HAMMER off the top. Kimberly gives HIM a 10. Cover gets 1, 2, 2 ½! Badd with a LigerBomb that almost breaks DDP’s arm for 2. DDP counters a hiptoss with a DDT. Delayed cover gets 2. Page wants the Diamond Cutter but Badd grabs the ropes. Badd mounts in the corner. DDP tries another flapjack so Mero ranas him off the apron with the Badd Day. Mero follows out with a flip splash. Badd slides him back in and follows with a springboard splash for a close 2 count. Mero avoids a charging DDP who collides with Maxx. Mero with a roll up for 1, 2, 2.9! Crowd is crazy into this. They redo the miscommunication heel spot again as Badd waffles Maxx who spins around like a sack of shit. Mero covers DDP to win the TV belt at 17:00.

• I like both guys a lot but this went on way too long for what they were trying to do. The match the following month at WW3 is a lot better with a tighter structure, less interminable chinlocks, and less pointless presence of Maxx Muscle. Still, not a bad much, just needed to lop off about 5 minutes. **3/4

• Tony wants to talk brass tacks about the sumo monster truck match later. They both say they have never seen Giant wrestle; they’ve only seen him choke Hogan a lot, A LOT. Tony now approaches it, not from a wrestling perspective but from a driving perspective. He knows Hogan has driven and is pretty sure that Giant has a driver’s license. Brain says he’s not sure because he’s only seen Hogan take limos every where. This is insane. Brain now says that both men could DIE driving each other off the roof. I wish I made any of that up.

• Zodiac vs. Macho Man Randy Savage. Zodiac is Disciple Booty Man Beefcake and is in the Dungeon of Doom. Zodiac is a whatever gimmick about the ying and yang of things. Tony makes a few reversal jokes on Brain changing the punchline and is amused with himself. Tony: “Just thought I should throw that out there.” Brain: “Yeah with the rest of the garbage.” Crowd boos Zodiac more out of courtesy to play along with the show than any real interest in anything he’s doing. If Macho wins this match and if Luger wins his match, then it will be Luger vs. Macho tonight. Macho takes off his coat and is sporting a HUGE bandage/brace/wrap on his left arm. Basically, Macho’s not at a 100% and it’s obvious even here which makes that charade with Hogan burning the WON to stick it to the dirtsheets at WW3 even more ridiculous.

• Macho attacks Zodiac from behind with rights and gouges the eye. Some fan tries to jump in the ring and the production truck doesn’t cutaway at all. The ref completely manhandles the fan and it’s pretty awesome to watch. Macho and Beefcake take it to the floor. Beefcake gets sent into the guardrail a few times. Beefcake sends him into the ringpost. Brain talks about how Kamala was supposed to be Macho’s opponent but no showed. Back in, Beefcake whiffs on splash and Macho heads up top and hits the Macho Elbow and it’s over at 1:31. Well that was certainly nothing. I imagine if not for the fan’s run-in, this would have been 30 seconds total. DUD

• Meanwhile, Mean Gene is in the back with new TV champ, Johnny B. Badd. Johnny cuts an inspirational promo about dreams coming true and corks popping tonight to celebrate. Gene wants to have some Greek food tonight with Badd and offers to sing some Little Richard in honor of his victory.

• Kurasawa vs. Road Warrior Hawk. This is a revenge match for Kurasawa “breaking” Hawk’s arm. Hawk with the CLUBBINGBLOWS to start and a flying shoulderblock to plow over Kurasawa. Hawk with a neckbreaker and drops a fist for 2. Hawk with a closed fist and a few Batista kicks. Hawk chops him down and goes to the Troll Yell. Hawk misses a charge and eats ringpost. He no sells and hits a gutwrench slam anyway. Hawk with a Powerbomb. Colonel Parker tries to trip up Hawk but he no sells gravity this time. Brain is interested in a sign at ringside. Tony: “It says Bobby the Brain for Mayor.” Brain: “Just what I need: a paycut and living in a bad neighborhood.” Kurasawa finally gets in something with a bodyslam but whiffs on an elbow drop. Hawk clotheslines him to the floor and then hits a clothesline off the apron on Parker. Kurasawa sends him into the ringpost. Back in, Kurasawa with an Island Driver and a Samoan drop. He covers and gets the feet on the ropes and Parker gives him extra leverage to win it at 3:13. What is this crap? I know Hawk isn’t Flair or anything but there are NXT matches with more personality and purpose than this. So much for Hawk’s revenge quest. ¼*

• Post-match, Tony says he wants a rematch but with no Colonel Parker at ringside. They should release a DVD of just matches that Tony Schiavone wants to see. Kind of like Guest DJ on the radio except for DVD. It would include such potential classics as Meng vs. Barbarian, Glacier vs. The Cat, Jerry Flynn vs. Prince Iaukea, No Limit Soldiers vs. n.W.o B-Team, and Surge vs. Harley Davidson in a battle of the sponsors.

• Gene is in the back with Macho Man and now that we get to see the wrap up close, it looks like it’s 92 all over again and he just got bit on the arm by Lucifer, Jake’s second snake. THAT’S how big the bandage is. Macho mentions the “audience participation” because he’s WILD! YEAH! Gene’s got questions but Macho cuts him off and says, “YOUR MUSTACHE IS CROOKED!” Gene doesn’t take any trash from the likes of Macho and for once actually leaves Macho speechless. Gene: “Your beard is a little sideways too. But I don’t want to get into that. I’m not going to take personal potshots at you or anyone else. That’s not my nature. I’m a bigger man than that, I don’t mind telling you. I’M A BIGGER MAN!” Macho: “Cool….. cool. That’s OK.” Macho says he’s going to make sure that Luger does win his match tonight even if it involves helping Luger. Macho helps hype the Hogan-Giant match later tonight and says he’ll be watching THROUGH THE VIDEOSCOPE, YEAH!

• J. L. vs. Sabu. JL is Jerry Lynn under a mask and he’s wrestling Sabu, yes that Sabu. Sabu comes running out but eats an enzuigiri from Lynn that sends Sabu to the floor. They try some baseball slide headscissors spot that Sabu ignores and just sends Lynn into the guardrail instead. Sabu now with a quebrada to floor. Lynn no sells and counters a whip and sends Sabu into the guardrail. Sabu no sells that and tries a crossbody but Lynn ducks. Lynn with a SUPER splash to the floor on Sabu as Tony keeps droning on and on about Sheik who accompanied Sabu to the ring. I know the guy’s a legend but he’s not even in the match. Back in, Lynn alley oops Sabu up to the turnbuckle and Sabu tries a “reverse moonsault” as Tony calls it but comes up dry. Lynn now with a moonsault and covers for 2. Lynn with a Ligerbomb for 2. Lynn whiffs on a Bronco Buster attempt in the corner as the crowd just doesn’t care about these guys. Brain at least tries to talk about why they aren’t selling, saying that Sabu is like the Sheik and feels no pain because he’s got scars all over his body from his hardcore battles. Sabu with a springboard somersault legdrop but COMPLETELY overshoots Lynn and probably breaks his nose in the process landing flush on his face. Cover gets 2. Sabu heads up top but Lynn no sells and gives him a German suplex. They bridge into a cover but Sabu’s shoulders aren’t really down. Ref waits for them to get it right and then counts 2. Jeez, this is just sloppy as hell and not in a good way. Lynn heads up top but now Sabu no sells. Sabu with a victory roll off the top for 2. SELL GODDAMMIT! Sabu heads up top but Lynn dropkicks him down to the floor. Sabu points to the heavens and then Stun Guns Lynn. Sabu with an Arabian press and wins it at 3:24. Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Some innovative moves that a lot of the viewing audience had not seen at the time. But this is the worst kind of spotfest possible. This isn’t as bad as that Teddy Hart-Jack Evans showing at Final Battle a few years ago, but what do you do with something like this? There’s not a story, psychology, selling, flow, anything. At least the squashes above make SOME sense. This is just moves which you can’t do in 3 minutes. Post-match, Sheik throws a fireball at Lynn but we’re on the hard camera and don’t get a close up, but as least we get one on replay. DUD

• Meanwhile, we get The Master and The Taskmaster in a Plan 9 from Outer Space spoof. Wait a minute. It’s not? They are serious with this? Master is sitting on a rock throne and screams for a while about walking upon the galaxies as Sullivan stares menacingly into the camera. Sullivan keeps calling Yeti an “Insurance Policy” to show basically they are stealing a bit of the Diesel build except ya know for a mummy trapped in ice so it’s more of an Encino Man ripoff. Sullivan goes on for a while and the crowd starts to turn on him.

• Back to Heenan and Tony as they put over The Yeti breaking out of black ice on Nitro. Yes, this all actually happened.

• Meng vs. Lex Luger. Meng is in the Dungeon of Doom. He and Sullivan get pelted with garbage on the way to the ring. Luger goes right for Meng with CLUBBINGBLOWS as Tony speculates about whether or not Luger is a secret agent who is actually a member of the Dungeon. Luger sends Meng into the turnbuckle a few times. Now, they just walk to the middle of the ring so Luger can apply a headlock. Luger ignores a monkey flip attempt and gives Meng the Bret Hart Low Blow. Luger with a catapult on Meng and Tony is AMAZED at his strength. Luger rakes the eye like a heel. Meng comes back with a boot and sends Luger into the turnbuckle. Luger telegraphs a backdrop by half an hour and Meng with a small package for 2. A small package? Since when has Meng ever needed surprise roll ups? Meng with some chops but Luger blocks and now sends Meng into a turnbuckle. Luger gets the boot up in the corner and then clotheslines Meng to the floor. Brain showing he is indeed the brains of the operation points out how stupid it would be for Luger to be in the Dungeon and yet wrestling one of its members. Well while it wouldn’t make much sense, it would explain the rather pedesterian shitfest we’re watching, because if they are in cahoots, they don’t really want to hurt each other. On second thought, that’s GENIUS! You see, now all this timid crap has added significance. Luger sends Meng into the ringpost, but very very weakly because he doesn’t want to hurt his secret stable mate. Luger now wraps the arm around the ringpost WITHOUT AUTHORITY! Back in, Luger struts his stuff. Meng no sells and hits some karate shit and then bites Luger. Meng is impressed with this and gives the crowd a Troll Yell. The crowd though isn’t buying it and seems mostly disinterested. They, like me, see this is no threat and understand the Dungeon is 4 Life and he’ll never really win this match. Luger blocks and hits some rights. Luger whiffs on a Ho Train in the corner, but no sells and tries a back suplex. Meng floats over into a crossbody for 2.

• Meng with a shoulderbreaker and Nick Patrick asks Lex if he wants to quit. Brilliant, even Nick is in on the schmozz. Meng wraps the arm around the top rope and boots some more. Meng with a spike Piledriver but Luger kicks out at 2. Meng now goes to the BLATANTCHOKE! Hmm, I’m beginning to suspect they aren’t in cahoots and the match just sucks. Tony seems bored and starts talking about how many different of EM Forster’s conflict types that WCW represents: “Close physical contact. Man on man competition. Plus, MACHINE ON MACHINE COMPETITION! That you can only see in World Championship Wrestling.” We get a sweeping pan of the crowd as Tony continues rambling about the history of the building. Luger elbows out and hits a crossbody for 2. Meng with a back suplex for 2 as Luger decides the ruse is up and now he wants to act like he’s hurt for a bit. Meng shitcans him and then boots him off the apron a couple times as Sullivan continues to just stare at him. What the hell is going on? Tony now says that MAYBE Luger isn’t in the Dungeon but Sullivan wants him to be in the stable and is trying to teach him a lesson. Yes, the lesson of guaranteed contracts for guys that jump ship. Back in, Luger with a couple hip checks and Meng no sells and pounds him down. Tony decides to interrupt this riveting action with a split screen look back to the pre-show where Brain was being wined and dined by Sonny Onoo. Luger avoids a dropkick and suplexes Meng from the apron. Luger with a couple of clotheslines and finally hits the Bionic Steel Plate Forearm. Luger with a backdrop and another few Bionic Forearms. Luger with a powerslam for 2. Meng pulls the Golden Spike out and waffles Luger. Meng goes for the pin but Sullivan breaks it up AGAINST HIS OWN GUY with the weakest kick ever. Nick Patrick calls for the bell at 13:13 as he’s seen enough and I think we all have. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Enough with this crap. It’s a wonder 95 WCW didn’t kill the business. 15 minutes for that horrific ending is just awful. I’d rather watch Badd-DDP a hundred times than any of the other matches so far ever again. If they’d just had an ending, I would have give them MAYBE * but as is it’s DUD. We’re on pace for a new record with 3 DUDs in the first 5 matches and only ONE match cracking above ¼*.

• Meanwhile, Mean Gene and Giant hype the monster trucks. 3000 HORSEPOWER! SOME 11-12,000 POUNDS! Giant’s very awkward at this point shaking a lot to show fury and barely under control anger and laughing maniacally but his whole delivery comes off hokey.

• Arn Anderson & Flyin’ Brian Pillman vs. Ric Flair & Sting. Arn and Pillman are in the Horsemen or what’s left of them. Arn and Flair feuded and had a match last month at Fall Brawl. Earlier in the night, Flair was attacked by Arn and Pillman and needed medical attention. BUT WAIT! Only Sting has come out. Brain wants to know if Flair has been taken to the hospital or if he’s cowardly ran back to Charlotte. Looks like Sting’s going to go it alone for now. Sting and Arn to start. They trade hammerlocks as the crowd chants for Flair. Sting eggs on the cheers. Arn pounds him down and goes to the Masterlock to set up some double teaming. Sting avoids and takes down Arn and he takes a breather. Pillman: “GET THAT CAMERA OUTTA MY FACE!” Crowd REALLY wants Flair. Arn tells them that Flair aint coming. Sting with a couple of kip ups and a leap frog to facesmash Arn. Sting clears the ring again rather easily of a double team attempt. Arn and Pillman talk some strategy. Brain says Sting has smartly avoided brawling with them on the floor where there are weapons. Almost like they can hear the commentary, Pillman baits Sting to the floor. Brain: “I said Sting was tough, but I never said he was bright.” Sting outsmarts both again and plows through them with clotheslines. Tony is amazed at Sting’s ability and declares him one of the most of the popular wrestlers now and forever: “Not only because of his intensity, or because of his desire, but because of his strength, his ability, his tenacity, his competitiveness–” Brain: “AHH! WILL YOU SHUT UP?! Did you cosign a house for the guy?” Pillman offers a truce and Tony just wants Sting to smack him and avoid the whole spot. Sting obliges and press slams Pillman. Sting wants Arn instead. Arn like the crafty vet takes his time, talks strategy, and then comes out with the CLUBBINGBLOWS! Sting blocks a piledriver and catapults Arn into the turnbuckle to crotch an interfering Pillman. Sting then THROWS PILLMAN OFF THE TOP ROPE ONTO THE GUARDRAIL! Crazy. Arn decides to headbutt Sting INTO Pillman. Tony: “That’s an old Anderson technique. Gene and Ole Anderson use to sacrifice each other to win matches all the time.”

• BUT WAIT! RIC FLAIR HAS COME OUT! He’s in street clothes but at least it’s not in drag like at Uncensored. Flair’s got a big bandage on his head from a beating at the hands of the Horsemen and the ref holds him off. Flair’s insanity costs Sting as Pillman pulls him to the floor and starts working him over. Flair starts working the crowd from the apron as the Horsemen start some quick tags. Arn goes to a sleeper as Flair jumps in the ring to break it up which of course costs Sting more punishment. I’m sensing a pattern here. Sting avoids a splash to tease a hot tag but Arn with a back suplex to cut that off. After Arn and Sting work the Greco-Roman lock up, Sting is INCHES away from making the tag but Pillman distracts Flair on the outside and that allows Arn to pull Sting back to the heel corner. Excellent. Arn and Pillman work the ab stretch for some cheating. Pillman in and goes to a half crab with Arn’s help. Pillman works a few 2 counts and the ref actually counts THREE on one of them for no particular reason but no one seems to care. Sting starts to fight back but runs into an Arn spinebuster. Brain: “Sting, you big dummy! He was so close to the corner. He had Anderson rocking and reeling. All he had to do was duck under and make the tag but NO! He wanted to throw him into the ropes for more damage. The man is a glutton for punishment.” Awesome stuff from Bobby. Arn with a banana split and then a BLATANTLOWBLOWKNEE that the ref doesn’t seem to care about either. Sting hilariously tries to call for Flair while in a submission hold: “NAA-A-A-A-CHA-A-A BOOYYY!” Flair: “I’m here, Sting! I’m here!”Flair is strutting and the place WANTS the tag but Pillman cuts him off. Sting is taking a lot of punishment. Sting gives the heels a nogginknocker but collapses before he can make the tag! NOOOOO! Sting recovers and MAKES THE THE TAG! WOOOOOOOOO! HERE COMES FLAIR! Arn begs off and Flair WAFFLES STING! OH MY GOD! THAT BASTARD! The ref calls for the bell at 17:00 to DQ the Horsemen I guess even though Sting’s partner beat him up.

• Post-match, Flair and crew put the boots to Sting. Sting tries to NO SELL but the numbers overcome him as Pillman and Arn hold him down. AWESOME! Flair removes the bandage. Tony: “IT WAS ALL A LIE! WE NEED TO GET SOME POLICEMEN OUT HERE! THIS IS BEYOND SICK, THIS IS DEMENTED!” We cut to Mean Gene who wants the post match scoop but first gives us his moral outrage: “This is the most despicable thing I have ever seen.” Flair steals the mic: “NOW, WE GO TO SCHOOL! FIRST THING YOU LEARN IS YOU DON’T JUMP ON DOUBLE A! SECOND THING YOU LEARN IS YOU DON’T PLAY AROUND WITH FLYIN’ BRIAN! THE THIRD THING YOU LEARN IS YOU NEVER MESS AROUND WITH THE NATURE BOY! AND THE FOURTH THING YOU LEARN IS, YOU DON’T WALK, TALK, OR BREATH UNLESS THE HORSEMEN WANT YOU TO! WOOOO!”

• I know structurally if we bring in the larger storyline that Flair and Arn had a match the PPV before this then this turn on Sting doesn’t make a lot of sense. But I also enjoy making up reasons why stuff like that could make sense – maybe Arn and Flair needed some tough love and then worked things out and THEN suckered Sting in. That’s good enough for me. But storyline aside, this is just a highly enjoyable formula tag match with Sting showing superior power in the early going only to fall to the numbers game and need Flair’s help and the crowd HATING the heels for giving Sting such a beating. And that turn at the end is just so pitch perfect because it fits their characters to a T at this point in their careers – Sting is the gullible upstart who believes in helping the underdogs, Flair is the dirtiest player in the game, and Arn is the merciless henchman. Awesome. ***3/4

• Meanwhile, Luger is perplexed at the forces in WCW that seem to want him to have a match with Macho Man. Luger says he doesn’t care if Macho is friends with Hogan, he’s going through Macho on his road to becoming champion and the greatest wrestler ever. Right.

• Monster Truck Sumo Match: Hulk Hogan vs. The Giant. This was set up by Giant choking Hogan a whole lot and running over Hogan’s motorcyle with a monster truck. This feud would be retread slightly with the travesty that was Hogan-UT in 2002. Also, Kevin Sullivan in drag threw a bag of flour in Hogan’s eyes and THAT sent Hogan over the edge and to the Dark Side. Bischoff is on commentary now with Brain and the man who designed the trucks. After some plugs for the designer, we cut to Hogan and Giant in firesuits being held back by referess with mullets and Doug Dellinger. Hogan: “WAIT, WHAT ARE THE RULES?! TELL US BROTHER!” You mean they built the trucks before even knowing the rules? This is like the greatest and worst experience of my life. The ref with the mullet talks for a good 45 seconds straight and you can barely hear what he’s saying so who the hell knows. I imagine the truck that gets knocked out of the circle loses but also there are apparently two explosive charges in the sumo circle for reasons that escape everyone including guy with the mullet. MAY THE BEST TRUCK WIN!

• Now we cut back to Bischoff, Brain and the designer . They all keep talking about the overt possibility of death for one of both of the competitors whether through explosion of the alcohol gas tanks or just driving off the top of a building and then exploding. This is insane. I wonder why this wasn’t in the video package. BUY THIS PPV! SOMEONE MIGHT DIE!

• They start the engines and we’re underway in the first (and only) monster truck sumo match. They lock up and Giant “drives” Hogan back. Hogan no sells and shoves him back to the other corner. Brain: “They aren’t wearing helmets. Do they have seatbelts in that thing?” Designer: “Oh yeah. They’ll be fine as long as they are in the truck…. as long as they don’t drive off the building.” They are stuck in the middle as it’s the ECW STANDOFF! Hogan like a ring general who knows where he is at all times, keeps the action in the middle. Giant on the offense bulldozes Hogan back to the edge and Hogan’s about to lose. Hogan Hulk Ups, no sells, and comes flying back at Giant. At only 2 minutes in, these guys are still stuck in the lock up and appear blown up. I guess they don’t know how to work. Giant drives Hogan back again this time into a very underwhelming explosion. Bischoff: “WE HAVE A CHARGE!” Hogan no sells the explosion but can’t seem to get over the hump for his comeback spot. Hogan finally decides it’s time to take it home and throws Giant out of the ring to win it at 4:08. Standard Hogan formula match where he shakes off a monster heel and decisively beats him, though Giant showed how green he was in not really working the crowd. *

• Post-match, Giant decides he’s not done and gets out of the truck. He goes for a BIG SLOW HAMMER! Hogan avoids but Giant goes to the BLATANTCHOKE! Giant with the goozle. Dark Side Hogan breaks the grip but is conflicted. Giant in a rare moment of psychological warfare for the big man plays mind games: “I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Strike me down with all your hatred, and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!” Hogan overcome with vengeance toward the Dungeon of Doom shoves Giant off of the roof to win the post-match shenanigans via homicide at around 1:00.

• Lex Luger vs. Macho Man Randy Savage. Tony and Brain try speculating about Giant’s condition and say the world title match MAY BE CANCELED! Macho’s bandage seems even bigger and more obvious than earlier if that’s possible. Lex seems to want to make peace with Macho. He offers a shake and Macho boots him away to a pop. Luger comes back with the steel plate forearm to boos. BUT WAIT! DARK SIDE JIMMY HART HAS COME OUT! Luger boots Macho down in the corner and goes to the BLATANTCHOKE! Brain, God bless him, is still trying to give the hard sell that Giant may be seriously injured and says he can’t focus on this match. Me neither, but mainly because it sucks. Luger with some weak stuff on Macho and then botches a shitcan sending Macho INTO the ropes rather than over them. Luger with more boots and poses to major boos. Macho blocks a guardrail shot and sends Luger into the stairs and the guardrail. Luger: “OOOHHHWWWWW! OOOOHHHWWWWW! OHHHHHHHWWWW!” Luger continues emphatically yelling to sell as he gets waffled from behind. He ignores all that and gives Macho a shot to the gut to counter an ax handle attempt. Jimmy gets on the apron and now Luger is shouting to sell his own offense. Luger with a roll up and gets the foot on the ropes but the ref is distracted by Hart. Macho rolls away and then whips Luger into Jimmy Hart. Macho with the Macho elbow and wins it at 5:22. Well, that goodwill didn’t last long because this is trash too. Luger might be worse when he’s trying than when he’s not trying in 1995. Then again, I can’t be sure if he was really serious with that oafing around and overly emphatic grunting to indicate exertion and pain or if he was just bored from cashing his checks. ¼*

• Meanwhile, Brain gets pissed at Tony’s kind of casual concern for Giant’s health after apparently dying only half an hour ago. They almost come to blows before replaying Darth Hogan’s brush with sith violence.

• WCW World Heavyweight Championship The Giant vs. Hulk Hogan (c). Dark Side Hogan comes out and gets the stick. He tries backtracking about earlier and calls it a “terrible accident, brother.” Giant no sells a five story plunge and walks out without so much as a limp and has managed to change into his gear. Bret Hart sold a bad leg from a match with Owen Hart at the start of WMX for THREE HOURS into the main event. Shawn Michaels sold a “career-ending back injury” for FIVE YEARS into a match with Triple H in 2002. Giant can’t even be bothered to put on so much as a fucking neck brace half an hour after getting thrown off a building. Giant scares Hogan out of the ring but Hogan psyches himself up by tearing off his shirt. Luckily, he’s wearing 2 shirts in case he needs to do that again for a future Hulk Up spot. Giant no sells some rights as Hogan can’t believe he’s having no effect. Hogan tries a bodyslam but his back buckles. Giant with some CLUBBINGBLOWS and back rakes. Giant with a BOOT OF FEAR! Brain says he doesn’t understand how Giant doesn’t have a scratch on him but tune in to Nitro tomorrow night because by then, he’ll DEFINITELY know. Giant with some chops a TROLL YELL. Apparently because Giant doesn’t know what he’s doing, Hogan actually takes Giant’s hand and puts it on his own throat! HA! MOARBLATANTINGCHOKING! Ya know, in the build up to this, Hogan was selling goozles from Giant like he was crippled and needed medical attention; now though, Giant’s pseudo finisher has been turned into generic heel restholds. They aren’t even being consistent with their own illogical logic. Hogan begs off as Giant hooks him in the test of strength. They stay in this hold way too long as it goes on for about 3 minutes. This rest hold has been longer than the rest of the match put together.

• Hogan finally overpowers only to eat a boot that puts him down. Giant can’t even do a fucking suplex right so he goes to a bearhug. Giant with a bodyslam on Hogan to mild boos. Giant whiffs on a leg drop as Hogan no sells for the go home. Hogan with a THROAT CHOP! Hogan mounts in the corner for the 10 and bites Giant. Hogan now with some backrakes. Hogan with some clotheslines but Giant won’t go down. On the third one, Giant finally gets sent to the floor. Giant and Sullivan are now trying to take a walk. Hogan very slowly chases them down and brings Giant back to the ring. Hogan with an eyepoke and another throat chop. Giant tries no selling some shoulderblocks but Hogan gouges the eye. Giant with a backbreaker and covers for 1?!?! Giant goes to the bearhug as the match and the PPV die an agonizingly slow painful death. Giant slams Hogan and goes back to the hold. Brain acts like this is the greatest match ever. Giant hits the ChokeSlam and pins Hogan for 1, 2, 2.9! Way to crap on the guy’s finisher in his first match. Hogan starts Hulking Up but doesn’t tear off his shirt this time. That could come back to haunt him much like WCW 1995 haunts all of us to this day. Hogan with the big boot and gestures that he will indeed PRESS SLAM THE GIANT, BROTHER! Hogan of course lies and bodyslams him instead. Hogan with the Atomic Leg Drop and covers but Jimmy Hart waffles the ref and then blasts Hogan with the belt. Hogan no sells but Giant grabs him from behind and puts him back in the BEAR HUG! OH THE HUMANITY! BUT WAIT! MACHO MAN AND LEX LUGER HAVE COME OUT! Jimmy waffles Macho with the belt as Luger turns on him as well and sides with the Dungeon. Tony: THHHHEEEEE YEEETTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! THROUGH HELL, FIRE, AND BLACK ICE, IT’S THE YETI! He comes lumbering out and now The Yeti now hugs Giant and Hogan from behind which for some reason is supposed to be dangerous and choking Hogan, I guess. Luger puts Hogan in the rack and then Macho after Yeti and Giant redo the deadly double hug. Buffer FINALLY gets on the stick and declares Giant the winner by DQ at 17:05. Giant steals the belt and the Dungeon celebrates as the PPV goes off the air. Giant would end up getting the belt via a waiving of the DQ rule by Jimmy Hart kind of like Abyss’s first title win in TNA over Sting.

• That’s a serious contender for the worst PPV main event ever to cap off one of the worst shows ever. I can’t even begin to put into perspective the negative entertainment value on display here. One of the most boring matches imaginable (but so is half of the card) but the difference is that this match goes on for TWENTY MINUTES! Just never ever watch this match or this show. Save yourself. -**

• For those of you interested in further levels of masochism, here’s more WCW 1995 for your viewing agony

• WCW Uncensored 1995 from earlier that year

• WCW World War III 1995 from the following month

The 411: There is ONE match worth checking out, one that is watchable and the rest is just trash. 1995 WCW is some of the worst wrestling to ever grace a major promotion. Dive in if you dare.
Final Score:  2.5   [ Very Bad ]