Stew’s WWE Crown Jewel 2024 Review

Awww, we’re back in Saudi Arabia and back across the Atlantic for another WWE PLE starting in the afternoon here in the United States east coast for me. We’ve got a bigger than usual card with, I think, seven matches instead of the typical five. And we have champions fighting other champions for big, ugly belts!

What more could we want?! Bigger, uglier belts, I suppose.

But let’s get right to it!

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11:27am: Okay, I have no idea what time this show starts, but the pre-show is going on right now. Not sure if it’s a two hour pre-show or not, but I will just leave it on and see. In the meantime, I’m making Pizza Rolls for lunch because I’m an adult, and I can have Pizza Rolls any time I want!

Also, just a quick announcement from me: I’m going to my first ever WrestleMania! I got tickets to WrestleMania 41 this upcoming spring, and I couldn’t be more excited! I have faith it will be a top level show like the last few Manias have been. Or I will be ever so cross.

It will be weird, this being the first ‘Mania in years where Roman [presumably] won’t be defending a world title.

11:45am: Looks like this is going to be a two-hour pre-show because to this point, we’ve only talked two matches. So I still have an hour and a quarter, nice.

Turns out, I burnt my Pizza Rolls in the air fryer. So while I let them cool off, I have ANOTHER announcement! If you are a fan of my Buffy The Vampire Slayer retrospective series, it is coming back! I just finished season 6, episodes 1-2 this morning, and they should be submitted this week after I get therm proofread and edited. So look forward to that!

1:02pm: Well well well, the Bloodline war is kicking the day off, which I certainly did not expect. Roman usually main events or nothin’. I really expected this would be the closer of the evening. So are we getting Cody vs GUNTHER as the main event? I imagine so.

1:08pm: I finished editing my Buffy article and got it submitted, so it’s en route! And here comes the evil Bloodline to the ring. Tonga Loa is the member of the evil Bloodline that isn’t wrestling in this match. What is even the point of him? He is definitely the forgotten member of this unit. I kind of figured he would be in the match, and we would save Solo or Jacob Fatu until War Games. Why “save” Tonga Loa’s appearance?

1:12pm: Jimmy Uso comes out with Roman to Roman’s ring entrance. No Jey in sight, so he’s still going to get his own entrance, which will be nice for the Saudi fans. I kind of figured we would get a reunited Usos debut, though. Hmmm.

1:26pm: With a fervent “WE WANT ROMAN” chant, Jey Uso tags in… Jimmy Uso. This causes some bickering, so we have original Bloodline cracks going on already. Drama!

1:31pm: Michael Cole: “Do you know how when you look a shark in the eyes, they have those black, dead pupils? …but when they attack, those pupils go white?” How many shark attacks has Michael Cole survived?! Is this kayfabe?!

1:35pm: Roman doesn’t kick out at 2 from the Samoan Spike because Jimmy was supposed to break up the pinball. Jimmy… kind of gets there. The camera angle certainly did the moment no favors.

1:37pm: Oh hell, Solo pins Roman clean. There was a ref bump, sure, but all that led to was some chaos and brawling. After Jacob Fatu hits a bunch of moves on Roman, Solo hits two more Spikes and gets the pin. After the match, the brutality continues as the new Bloodline pours on the offense against Roman.

1:40pm: Sami Zayn is here to save Jey Uso from getting his neck Pillmanized! He teases being on Solo’s side at first, then suplexes the new tribal chief. After a ring clearing, Solo is left alone with Roman, the Usos, and Sami. Sami and Roman both go to attack Solo, and Sami accidentally Helluva Kicks the OTC. This leads to some consternation, and Sami leaves alone. The story must continue as we build towards War Games…

1:45pm: The Women’s Tag Titles Fatal Fourway match is next up, as WWE works to listen to the criticisms and get more women and more minorities onto their big cards.

1:55pm: As the champions enter the ring, I am reminded that near the end of her AEW run, I was really getting into Jade Cargill. But her WWE run has been underwhelming at best. I’m assuming they have her working the learning tree under Bianca until they break up and have a big feud. Hopefully it helps Cargill really find herself as a wrestler. But I was really digging her personality in AEW, and she’s not showing any of that in the E.

2:04pm: Sane and Sky are definitely the MVPs of this match so far.

2:08pm: The champs retain with a Doomsday Device on Piper Niven in a decently fun little match that probably did not deserve the “This Is Awesome” chant it got, but it was still quite enjoyable.

2:17pm: It’s time for the battle of the nicknames in quotation marks, as Seth “Freakin'” Rollins takes on “Big” Bronson Reed. Seth charges the walkway and tries to attack Reed before he gets to the ring. They brawl around for a while before getting to the ring.

2:22pm: Seconds after we get the official bell ring, we have already seen a Tsunami and a Stomp! It’s Brock vs Goldberg up in here!

2:26pm: Okay, never mind! This has slowed down to a very basic match at this stage. No more finisher spamming.

2:34pm: Rollins ends up winning after 1) a Stomp onto the ringsteps, 2) a normal Stomp, and 3) a Super Stomp. Has Seth ever pulled out a Super Stomp before? That’s a new one by me. I’m sure he has, though. Someone give me the trivia here: where has this debuted before?

Post-match, Reed gets up and says he wants some more. Rollins is at first in disbelief, then tells Reed that if the latter keeps coming for Rollins, the former will keep beating him. Reed is bleeding from the eyebrow and looks like a real badass demanding more from Seth.

2:38pm: Next Up is the first of two Crown Jewel Championship matches: Liv Morgan vs Nia Jax.

2:45pm: This Crown Jewel Championship is truly a very gaudy, hideous belt. I’m glad it won’t be on TV every week or anything. Who designed this? Send them back to title belt school.

2:49pm: Liv Morgan could stand to wear full bodysuits more often. I’m not mad at it.

2:50pm: Liv kicks out of an Avalanche Samoan Drop, wow! A “Let’s Go Morgan” chant starts since she is currently working as the plucky underdog babyface here.

2:51pm: It’s Tiffy Time! But Nia cuts her off and tells her to get out of here. Tiffy starts up the ramp, then reconsiders… she comes back and threatens to cash in again, and Raquel Rodriguez cuts her off. Dom makes his way to ringside, too.

2:55pm: Thanks to some distractions from Dom and Raquel, Liv hits ObLivion and wins the match. A tearful Liv gets fireworks and an ovation from the crowd as she is presented the Crown Jewel championship by Trips.

2:59pm: Up next is Randy Orton vs Kevin Owens as we build towards KO getting another shot at Cody Rhodes, this time as a heel. For that, he’s pretty much got to win here, right? Let’s see.

3:04pm: The story here is that KO turned heel because he looks at Cody partnering with Roman Reigns as a betrayal. That… makes sense! It’s always fun when the heel has a valid objection to what the babyface is doing. Why would Owens just accept that Roman is a good dude now? Roman basically tried to murderdeathkill him a few Royal Rumbles ago.

3:09pm: Before the match starts, KO attacks Orton with a chair! This leads to a pre-bell brawl. Owens gets back suplexed onto the announce table. The crowd starts singing… Sami Zayn’s song. KO stuns the referee for funsies after the ref pulls the chair away. Orton gets the chair and uses it on Kevin.

3:11pm: As the brawl continues, Michael Cole tells us that the attempt at a match has been thrown out because of the chaos. Adam Pearce gets RKO’ed!

3:14pm: The fight goes into the crowd area, and KO elbow drops RKO through a table. As both men lie there, we go to commercial. Or, at least, I go to commercial because I have the cheap version of Peacock.

3:19pm: We are getting the triple threat match for the United States championship, and I honestly forgot this was even happening. I was expecting Cody vs GUNTHER next. Whoops!

3:24pm: My Peacock feed just… shut off during LA Knight’s ring introduction. Strange. I had to turn it back on.

3:34pm: A shamefully short match that had potential to be the best of the afternoon ends with Knight pinning Carmel Hayes. These three three guys (also including Andrade, who I have not name-checked yet) put on a really fun sprint affair. It really is a shame they weren’t given another five to ten minutes to go at it.

3:38pm: Next and last up is Cody Rhodes vs GUNTHER!

3:48pm: Cody Rhodes, we are told, is trying to do something his father never did: win a major title on foreign soil! I would argue that this is not a “major title”. It doesn’t even get defended! Come on! But no one ever listens to me.

3:50pm: The crowd is still singing Sami Zayn’s little “Ole, ole ole ole” song. At least they’re having fun, I guess?

3:56pm: They are REALLY selling the Sleeperhold as GUNTHER’s big go-to, so I guess the days of his having multiple moves that can put you away are done with? That’s disappointing. I miss when his Powerbomb or Splash or Boston Crab were on equal footing for his ability to win a match. Hell, he’s won matches with his chops before, hasn’t he? Or am I imagining that?

4:00pm: Cole and Graves note that the the Ole song is to get under GUNTHER’s skin since Sami Zayn has defeated him this year for the Intercontinental title. I’m… not sure that is their intent. But it might be! I’m not a telepath.

4:05pm: Really fluid reversal of the Disaster Kick into a Boston Crab, wow. That looked so Natural.

Wait, wrong Rhodes there.

4:12pm: Cody rolls through a Sleeperhold and gets the three-count to win the prestigious garbage belt! GUNTHER gives him a handshake as a sign of respect as Triple H enters the ring with a bunch of other folks.

Michael Cole notes that the horrible belts actually stay in Riyadh in a vault, haha. Cody and Liv will just get rings to wear instead.

That’s nice for them, I guess. I’d rather have a ring, too.

But god… I haven’t seen what the rings are going to look like if they thought these belts were nice.

Liv Morgan comes out and gets to celebrate again with Cody, and they shake hands, as well. And that’s the end of the show proper.

Until next time… take care!