The Furious Flashbacks – WWE Backlash 2009

The Furious Flashbacks – WWE Backlash 2009

Ask and thou shall receive

There have been mumblings and grumblings about me not doing any WWE coverage ever since I stopped covering the WWE. This is not my fault. I simply haven’t had access to their shows. I’ve taken to doing stuff on DVD instead and WWE don’t rent their DVD’s in the UK. At least if they do; I don’t know where I can obtain rentals from and I’m not buying shows just to do a review on them. If I buy anything its because I intend to get multiple viewings out of it. So in order to get a sense of balance I thought I’d get a loan on this show in order to do at least one WWE show. It might stop the moaning.

For those wondering about my WWE viewing habits…that’s been a different story. I get to watch bits and pieces. I saw the Rumble (2011) and I try to keep up to date. I was a little bit freaked by how many people I didn’t recognise though. Alberto Del Rio won the Rumble match and yet it was the first time I’d seen him wrestle. That has to be a first for me. The last time I reviewed a WWE show in full was 2008.

We’re in Providence, Rhode Island. Hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler & Michael Cole.

ECW title – Jack Swagger (c) v Christian

Christian just came back from TNA where he had a pretty good stint but ran out of things to do. Back here in the Land of the Giants he looks like a midcarder again. I hate that Cole is on play by play not JR although Ross provides better colour than Cole could hope for. Swagger takes it to Christian early as if he wants to make a statement and he presses Christian over the ringpost to the floor. Ross rides him for his inexperience but Swagger, enthusiasm aside, looks pretty focused. He grounds Christian and tries to wear him out. WWE was high on Swagger and went on to put the title on him (a proper world title rather than the ECW one) and from this you can see where they’d get the idea. He’s good on the mat and can combine that with power. Vince was probably seeing dollar signs from day one. The thing with Swagger is he knows all the notes for the song but he doesn’t know what order they go in yet. That’ll come with seasoning. Christian finds very few openings against a man who’s bigger, stronger and as fast (see; Lashley, Bobby & Lesnar, Brock). He has to just take a beating until Swagger makes a mistake. Swagger’s approach is a lot like Brock Lesnar’s UFC tactics. Just grab the other guy and use power and grappling but like Lesnar in the UFC he doesn’t look like he knows how to finish. His best option seems to be the Vaderbomb but Christian kicks out of that. Christian on the other hand has a legitimate finish in the Killswitch (formally the Unprettier). Swagger hasn’t got the experience to see it coming and Christian uses the fear of that move to set other things up. Like a roll up. Swagger tries to expose a buckle, Christian does and the Killswitch finishes. Christian ended up outsmarting the kid. **3/4. Nothing technically wrong and Swagger will get better if he continues to learn. He’s way too raw like this. Christian brought some personality to the dance and the crowd were into him. Promising opening to the show.

SHILL Greatest Stars of the 90s. Damn, the 90s are retro already? That makes me feel old. Although I guess it’s a logical extension to their 80s DVD.

BACKSTAGE Christian celebrates with veterans and Matt Sydal before running into Edge. Christian accuses Edge of losing his sense of fun. Edge blames Cena for it.

Chris Jericho v Ricky Steamboat

I think I might have to go back and watch Wrestlemania too. The Steamer is looking in great shape. Usually its kinda sad to see the old timers making comebacks. But Steamboat was so fast in his prime his speed nowadays is comparable to some of their main eventers now. He breaks out an early pescado before going to the trademark AAAAARRRMDRAAAAGS. “VINTAGE STEAMBOAT” – guess who? That’s about all Cole has contributed so far. The thing about Steamboat here is everything he does looks great. His chops look better than Jericho’s strikes. He even skins the cat, which is how he fucked his back up in the first place, and that looks fine too. Jericho’s working safe out of respect and doing a fine job of selling the shit out of the armdrags. He even allows Steamboat to counter his bulldog. Steamboat holds up his end even if he’s a little slower as the match progresses. That’s to be expected. After all he’d been retired for 11 years. They get in some decent counters until Ricky forgets how to apply a Figure Four. It has been 11 years! Steamboat sneaks in his high crossbody, which I was expecting Jericho to roll through but the second time Steamboat uses the ropes he’s caught with the Codebreaker. Steamboat uses his savvy veteran ring positioning to get his foot on the ropes. Jericho decides he’s stopped having fun and slaps on the Walls of Jericho for the submission. **1/2. Not an outstanding match but a really impressive performance from Steamboat. Considering how long he’s been out of action he looked almost up to Jericho’s speed. His spots did look like those of a guy who’d been retired for a decade but he was sharper than he had any right to be.

BACKSTAGE Santino Marella, with a unabrow, declares that Santina is a real woman and will be defending his…her Miss Wrestlemania thing. He tries to get Beth Phoenix to make out with Khali instead of Santina but she won’t so he lays down the “I faked every orgasm” shocker in response. Eep.

Kane v CM Punk

Punk won MITB at Wrestlemania, did so by booting Kane off a ladder and then beat him on Raw too. You have to believe Kane’s in a bad mood. Punk needs to stick and move but instead he goes after Kane’s right arm to eliminate that chokeslam. JR spots that strategy. Punk then uses the ropes to avoid a chokeslam on the floor and goes back after the arm. It doesn’t last as Kane grabs Punk and bodyscissors him. You don’t see that often from Kane; the ground game where he can use his size the same positive way he does with striking. While Punk has a smart strategy, Kane really doesn’t. He doesn’t switch arms on a clothesline, albeit a good one, and won’t trade arms on strikes either. Nor does he switch arms on a side backbreaker. Now, compare that to Giant Bernard where an injured arm means he’ll switch everything and you’ve got yourself a masterclass in selling. Punk again has to carry the psychology by countering a chokeslam into the armbar takedown. He then works in a nice half Tarantula, again using the ropes to damage the arm inside the five count. Punk considers a GTS but can’t hold Kane up because he’s too heavy. Kane goes to do some other move with the right arm but Punk counters out again this time into an armbreaker. Kane, as per usual not really understanding the concept of selling, stands up and hits a right armed sideslam. Kane then finishes with a chokeslam using his bad arm. **. Punk’s strategy was awesome and you’d think Kane would have learned something about selling during his lengthy career but you’d be wrong. Cole persists that Kane used “both arms” on the finish despite picking Punk up with his right arm and then driving him to the mat using his right arm. All the left one was doing was holding Punk in place. How hard would it have been to just use the left one?

“I Quit” match: Jeff Hardy v Matt Hardy

The last time the Hardy’s did a split angle it didn’t stick because neither guy was great on their own. If anything it was Matt Hardy who did better with his V1 gimmick. Jesus, how long ago was that? The thing is; Matt is trying to get over based on personality and he doesn’t have one. Look at the Briscoe’s in ROH; neither one of them has a great personality but they just make up for it with effort and intensity. And that’s why Jeff gets over easier; despite his personality flaws he’s willing to do more in the ring. Put his body on the line and people respect that. How weird is it that one of the few guys to take full advantage of the whole WWE/TNA situation is Jeff? He’s got himself pushed by both sides!

Predictably Jeff starts faster and works in a few signature spots to pop the crowd. JR tells us Matt’s eyes are “looking puffy”. The whole of him is looking puffy, Jim. Seeing as they’ve got to go 20 minutes Matt establishes an angle beyond the sibling rivalry and fucks up Jeff’s leg by pushing him off the top rope to the floor then mangling that knee on the ringpost. In one way its smart by Matt because working the legs stops the flying but at the same time you take those moves out of Jeff’s arsenal and he ain’t got shit. So from a storyline perspective; smart but from an ‘trying to have a match that doesn’t suck’ perspective having Jeff able to stand is a bonus. Crowd gets distracted by a fight or something. Jeff just about manages Whisper in the Wind on one leg, which JR bizarrely refers to as causing “collateral damage” on both sides. Zuh? I don’t think you understand the term, sir. Jeff slaps on the Texas Cloverleaf, sort of, and Matt taps out…but that doesn’t work. He has to say it and he doesn’t. Why tap then? That doesn’t make much sense. For starters Jeff is one with the knee injury. Ropes also don’t save and by the time he’s gotten out Jeff’s already forgotten about his knee. Ah, the ancient art of selling. Where did you go? Japan, probably. Jeff goes back to the ropes and starts hitting Swanton bombs. Those are enough to keep Matt grounded but they’re not enough to make him quit so Jeff goes to get a table. Know your audience; this got a bigger pop than anything else in the match. Matt bails, which is smart and goes for the Twist of Fate on the floor, which is also smart but he gets countered. Jeff gets some duct tape & rope and stops Matt getting off that table. Shame this took so long because it was a good idea. Matt still won’t quit so Jeff gets something higher to jump off. Jeff stops off for the signature girly shirt removing pop. Matt gets in a mid match promo where he apologies to avoid the table spot. He blames the fans for warping Jeff’s fragile little mind and plays the ‘Dead Mom wouldn’t want this’ card. That’s a powerful card. “Daddy wouldn’t like it you did this”. Haha. Keep piling it on, Matt. Eventually he just quits to save himself but Jeff tables him anyway. **1/2. I really can’t overlook the gaps in selling logic from Jeff but Matt’s intent combined with his dickishness via promo at the end almost made up for it.

BACKSTAGE Randy Orton takes a moment to insult The Mighty Dave. Orton says he’s grown as a person since Evolution but Dave is still HHH’s bitch.

PROMO TIME – Great Khali comes out for Kiss Cam. Singh asks Santina out here so “The Punjabi Playboy” can show her how to be a woman. Khali is all “hells yeah, I wanna kiss a tranny on PPV”. Lawler is such a pussy hound he thinks Santina looks cute. Geez, King, think with something other than your dick for five seconds. Santino’s drag act is pretty funny. Santina claims she’s been pretending and she’s actually…not single. Santina says its JR and he calls her “his little slobberknocker”. JR is NOT amused. Michael Cole thinks this is the funniest thing ever, which he might be entitled to after the whole Heidenreich thing. WWE has way too many gay angles with their announcers. Beth Phoenix comes out to challenge Santina to a match instead of this nonsense. Beth tries to explain that Santina is a man and slights Punjabi woman at the same time. She’s goes with “idiot” for the insult although I think “fag” would have gotten a better pop. Khali brain chops her.

Miss Wrestlemania: Santina (c) v Beth Phoenix

Santina pins the corpse for 3. His celebratory dance lasts significantly longer than the showdown. I like that he plays chick instruments like an air flute and violin instead of his usual trombone. Khali rips her top off and Santina scurries to the back covering her modesty. I know the WWE likes to break up its major shows with stuff like this but Khali really does have to be either an idiot or a fag to go for this whole thing.

WWE title – Triple H (c)/Dave Batista/Shane McMahon v Randy Orton/Ted DiBiase/Cody Rhodes

HHH should know better than to put his title on the line in a 6-man tag. He did it in 2000 and lost the belt. Countouts and DQ’s result in Orton winning the title too. No champions advantage. Orton gets attacked by everyone at the bell and runs to the back. Pussy. The faces shrug it off and just beat up Cody instead. Ted gets a tag to prevent Rhodes losing and Dave beats him on his own. Orton waits for Dave to turn his back before returning to even up the numbers. They try and work heat on Dave, which just serves to frustrate the crowd. They know damn well Dave isn’t the one who’s going to be lying down in this one. JR meanwhile talks about how boring Orton is. I agree. I don’t see Orton’s appeal. He’s got a cool finisher and can cut a passable promo. Dave gets a hot tag…to Shane. I don’t get why Shane is continually treated as an equal by wrestlers while Vince just gets beaten up by everyone. Orton has to turn the tables again as his boys can’t even beat up Shane McMahon. Heat on Shane. How did they plan this? Orton: what are we doing out there Trips? HHH: generic match number two? Orton: sure, fuck it. I’ll just chinlock everyone in turn for 20 minutes. Heat on Shane continues unabated for some time until HHH gets a hot tag and finally gets into the match. On the upside at least he’s fresh. HHH even looks like he intends to win rather than just grind out a rest hold. First he pins off a spinebuster then goes after his Pedigree too. Shane gets bored and takes it to Cody on the floor. Cody chair shots him in the head. Of course that would be a DQ if the ref saw it but he didn’t. Dave steals the chair off Cody and that means HHH has to go and grab the chair to save his title. Dumbass Dave. RKO…for 2. Bell rang regardless. Orton punts HHH’s in the head, to a thunderous pop and wins the belt. *1/2. A fine example of how to half-ass a match. I assume HHH was injured because if he wasn’t he just spent less than 10% of his title match doing anything. I like the chair spot stopping HHH from hitting the Pedigree but other than that this was a waste of 22 minutes of PPV time.

POST MATCH Triple H sells the head injury, which the crowd respond with a chant of “na-na-na-na-hey-hey-hey, goodbye”. I think WWE made a hash of this one. Dave and Shane O selling the finish like the death of a family member is a bit OTT. But then they always like to sell the shit out of that punt. I just don’t like them doing the Owen Voice for fake stuff.

Last Man Standing/World title – John Cena (c) v Edge

Edge has become somewhat obsessed with world titles by this point and by winning tonight will win his third world title of the calendar year. They start quickly so Edge bails to slow it down and Cena chases. They start into the countering and Edge breaks out the Edgeomatic, which is certainly to target the head. After all he belted Cena with a Conchairto last week. Edge pounds away and he’s found his focus. Of course being unconscious will stop Cena answering the 10 count. Edge carries on with a sleeper. He could just choke him out; there are no rules beyond the 10 count. Cena comes firing back with the Protobomb. Cena has always had this little selling issues but Edge straightens him out because he CAN see him and boots him in the head. SHARPSHOOTER! Edge is like “fuck it, I’ll use the ropes” and does. What’s Cena going to do? What’s the ref going to do? Nothing. Edge knows the Last Man Standing rulebook. Edge decides to bring the ring steps into play but misses with a spear into them, which gives Cena his first opening. The only problem with Last Man Standing is you lose the excitement of the near fall, which is why I prefer falls count anywhere. Cena goes for the ring steps and those fucking things are heavy. Edge lets him do all the hard work then wails on Cena with them. Why didn’t you just slide them under the bottom rope ya jacked up dumbass? Having brought them in the hard way he throws them over the top onto Edge at ringside. The BOO/YAY slugfest erupts although the men in the crowd ensure it’s the wrong way round. Hey, its Cena. They go to some counters and both men escape a series of moves with Edge avoiding THREE FU’s eventually countering into a back suplex. He mocks Cena, which gets him the STFU but it doesn’t count. Edge beats the count and snags Cena with a spear.

Duelling chants as they both struggle back to their feet. Edge is up first and tries to use the ropes but gets caught with the Avalanche FU. Edge BARELY beats the count and then falls over again. Cena goes up top to try and finish but Edge spears him out of the air. This time Cena beats the count only to fall over. Edge goes announce table to finish. Cena counters though and FU’S EDGE INTO THE CROWD! YEAAAAAH! That’s a fucking awesome spot. They MUST have had plants there. One of the fans is down selling for crying out loud. In ECW they just did it into the actual audience. FUCK LAWSUITS! Edge beats the count and RUNS for it into the crowd. They go through the concourse at the front of the building and then back in. Cena catches him up and bulldogs Edge off the steps. They landed on some equipment cases to make things safer. Onto the stage and Edge hits an Implant DDT. That should do it but considering how they’ve been building that’s just not big enough for the finish. Edge grabs a chair and Conchairto’s Cena’s head into the stage. That IS a big enough finish BUT Cena is on his feet! Cena wants an FU but Big Show runs in and chokeslams Cena into one of the spotlights. GODDAMN! I don’t like the Wrestling Society X explosion because the spot is evil enough but DAMN. Cena is counted out and Edge gets his belt back. That spotlight was on fire for a while with Cena sat in it covered in broken glass. ****. They kept building up to something big and didn’t disappoint with the final spot. It’s a shame they went with the “explosion” and interference. Early in the match the selling was a bit weird (as happens sometimes in the Texas Deathmatch) and the match took time to grow and shape itself but once they got they going it all good.

The 411: The show pretty much lives or dies based on the main event and whether its any good. And it is. It’s a bonus that they started the show in solid fashion so you’ve basically bookended the show with quality. For those wanting a TNA comparison; there’s a big difference between keeping people in the main events because they’re still good/over and keeping people in the main events because that’s what they were hired for. Triple H would be an exception but he practically owns the company so you’ll just have to get over that. Based on this one show I think I’d rather watch WWE shows than TNA ones. If only they rented them in the UK.

Final Score:  7.0   [ Good ]