The One-Liner Review: WWE Royal Rumble 2017

The IWC is filled with snowflake ratings and recaps for big WWE events … but that’s a lot of work. This isn’t one of those columns. What follows is one line (or so) about every wrestler or team who worked WWE’s Royal Rumble. These are the stray thoughts and pointless musings that filled one lazy man’s mind while watching the event.

Naomi – As the only member of this match who hadn’t won a championship, she was either winning it or jobbing. She won. Now I want Major Lazer DJing her WrestleMania entrance.

Mickie James and Natalya – They’re like Arn and Tully, if Arn and Tully had girl parts.

Nikki Bella – Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe John Cena’s dating Nikki to keep himself relevant? Show off some arm candy to keep away the gay rumors, get that all important Total Divas face time. It’s classic Star is Born.

Becky Lynch – Might as well ask this here: will the women get an actual Elimination Chamber match? I think these six could do a hell of a job in that thing.

Alexa Bliss – She’s got a superior resting bitch face, but I feel like maybe that’s not useful inside the ring.

Karl Anderson & Luke Gallows – If you win a title on a pre-show, does it really count? Kind of like a tree falling in the woods when no one’s there to hear it. I’m pretty sure no one’s ever had a notable championship run after winning a belt on a pre-show.

Sheamus – How great is Cesaro? I heard fans actually cheering for Sheamus.

Cesaro – As long as he wins the Raw Money in the Bank briefcase this summer I can look past this affront. Yet if he doesn’t, I am going to travel back in time to this moment and be very angry over having him drop the tag titles on a tights grab.

Nia Jax – I’ve never been a fan of the pre-show, in-match commercial break, but it saved me from two minutes of having to watch Nia Jax. So, yay commercials!

Sasha Banks – Note to Io Shirai, if you ever sign a contract to work for Vince McMahon you are going to have nights like the one Sasha Banks just had.

Stephanie McMahon – Announces she is picking out scissors to cut off Seth Rollins’ balls tomorrow night.

Seth Rollins – Banned from the arena. If only he had shown up as a masked wrestler called El Hombre-Lobo Húmedo.

HBK – They’ve got him warming up the crowd before the show? Is he also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs?

Michael Cole – Like many of us, he’s attempted to put last year’s Rumble out of his mind, claiming 1992 was the only time the WWE title was up for grabs in the Rumble match, but 2016 did indeed happen.

Charlotte – Must be confusing every heel in WWE history. She’s a heel and she wins clean?

Bayley – Underdogs got to do a lot of losing on their way to glory.

San Antonio – Yep, it hates Romans Reigns, meaning that it too is a place on Earth populated by humans.

Chris Jericho – Should have been miked in the cage. You know he’d have made a Robot Combat League reference or two.

Kevin Owens – Of course the Superman punch with brass knucks didn’t work. Jericho could have tossed him a tactical nuke and it wouldn’t have worked.

Roman Reigns – Whatever the over was for Supes punches in this match, Reigns went past it.

Announcer tables – Who had money on the U.S. announce table as the first to go? Guess this is what they mean by America first.

Braun Stroman – Just became a hero to millions.

Enzo Amore – Is dressed up because he wants to fuck some KFC chicken. We can only assume Cass will stick his dick in the mashed potatoes.

Neville – It’s true, Vince McMahon originally wanted to make his entrance music the Tiny Miny Mo theme song.

Rich Swann – What made the Cruiserweight Classic so great is it featured a completely different type of wrestling that we usually see in the WWE. The problem with the division right now is these are just your standard WWE matches with smaller guys.

John Cena – Tied Ric Flair’s record for championships with one of his best-ever matches. Tip of the cap.

AJ Styles – When they do Styles-Cena III, they should promote it like a monster boxing match. Hell, stage it in Manilla.

Enzo Amore – Earns his hype man money, whipping up the crowd before the Rumble match. Then he heads to the back … because he’s got a hot date with some chicken.

Jack Gallagher – Somebody has to be the first to go.

Mojo Rawley, Big Cass, Kalisto, Mark Henry – Braun Stroman needs bitches.

Chris Jericho – Saw Stroman coming and rolled out of the ring. #VeteranKnowHow.

Big Show – Will never win the Royal Rumble and that’s a bit sad. He deserved one. His quick elimination means no Shaq tonight.

Tye Dillinger – Makes the Internet happy by coming in at #10.

James Ellsworth – I believe turtles can fly.

Braun Stroman – Aw shucks, I was rooting for him after he rid the world of Roman Reigns.

Sheamus – Wins for fastest sprint down the runway. Details matter.

Chris Jericho – Takes a nap while the ring fills up with the midcard players. #VeteranKnowHow 2.0.

New Day – Triple elimination because Vince McMahon has no plans for any of them.

Cesaro – Started the night as a tag champ, ended it at odds with his partner. Hopefully he marched backstage and hit Kevin Dunn with an uppercut.

Apollo Crews – Was he ever really there? I mean, I saw him, but he could have been CGI.

Dolph Ziggler – Dammit, how dare they allow Jerry Lawler to make a point that stuck. Change of attitude did jack squat for Ziggler.

Dean Ambrose – You know what the Intercontinental Championship gets you? Nothing.

Rusev – Man, Creative really doesn’t have anything for him.

Enzo Amore – Suffering from post-chicken-sex fatigue. Otherwise he’d have bent Lesnar over his knee like a naughty blue hen.

Brock Lesnar – Goldberg needs bitches.

Goldberg – Faces down the Undertaker and they’re all like, “Let’s compare AARP cards.”

Baron Corbin – Looked good early and then receded into the background.

Luke Harper – Wait, is it a face turn if everyone kind of likes Bray and Randy?

Roman Reigns – No! St. Braun rid the world of you!

Shinsuke Nakamura – Why don’t I see Shinsuke Nakamura? Is there something wrong with my video feed?

The Miz and Sami Zayn – I kept waiting for either one of them do something and it never happened. Gentlemen, do you really think you deserve post-game orange slices?

Undertaker – Looks he’s got a date for WrestleMania. Is it too early to dread the promos?

Bray Wyatt – Nihilists unite. Bray may soon be in control of the Universal Champion, which means he’ll be in control of the universe.

Randy Orton – Wait a second. They cannot do Orton-Cena at Mania. That’s like … no. I mean, I’m really happy to see Orton win. He’s been rejuvenated in the Wyatt Family. Just give us a fresh match.