The Rawtopsy 10.24.05

Condolences go out to the friends and family of Da Crusher, legendary wrestler from the AWA (among others) who passed away over the weekend.

WWE Raw — 10/24/05

Live from Fresno, Cali.

Your hosts are the very telegenic Jonathon Coachman and Jerry Lawler.

Triple Threat: Shawn Michaels vs. the Big Show vs. Shawn Michaels.

Clusterfuckery to start, with Michaels looking like a fish-out-of-water. Show yanks Shawn off of Kane and chops him. Shawn, of course, makes it look like the greatest chop in the history of chops dating back to the days of the Battle of Trafalgar when Nelson took that hard chop. Remember that? Remember? Yeah, ya do. Kane sideslams Michaels, but the Show pulls him out. Show is clearly going heel for kicks and giggles. He pressslams Shawn out on top of Kane as we go to break. Shawn is still out of it when we come back from break. Show power slams Kane, but Shawn breaks it up at the last second. Shawn hits the flying forearm on Big Show, but he just BOUNCES OFF! Show waits for him to kip up and goes for the chokeslam. That was a cool spot. Kane gets a sloppy backdrop suplex. He goes up, but Show catches him and SUPERPLEXES HIM! The ring doesn’t break like in the Brock match, though. Damn. Shawn sees some easy pickings so he drops an elbow on Show and tunes up the band. SWEET CHIN MUSIC! But Shawn turns right into a clothesline from Kane. Kane covers Show instead. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Kane goes into full Emo mode. GIVE ME BACK MY FALLOUT BOY CD!!! Kane SMASHES Show in the face with a chair and goes up again. They botch a spot where Shawn is supposed to sneak in and superkick Shawn on the way down. Kane sells it anyway, and Shawn finishes the Big Show with another superkick at 10:34. Sloppy, but kind of fun. We all know who’s going to win, but they did a smart thing in including all babyfaces. **1/4

John Cena drove around in a car or something.

Lawler decides to shill the Coach/Austin. Fans seems to want a street fight, but I would vote for the debate. Lincoln was a wrestler, but he gave it up for debating. Why? Because wrestling just wasn’t as thrilling. Coach offers to call Stone Cold Steve Austin out.

The Austinmobile rolls out, but you know it’s not him driving because it’s going straight and doesn’t have cow shit on the wheels. Sure enough, Stephanie McMahon pops up through the sun roof with two airbags stuck to her chest. Coach and Steph are in cahoots apparently. Stephanie makes the ironic statement of the year, criticizing the fans for not coming up with something new to call her. Before you write, yes I know there was a trace of irony in her voice. Stephanie says she would be grateful to Coach for getting rid of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Mick Foley interrupts and calls Stephanie full of crap. Stephanie comes back with “JR was full of crap, but that’s been taken care of.” Ooooh. Colostomy jokes? Have you sunk so low? Okay, I would have said it if she didn’t, but still. You expect something better from a professional comedy writer like Stephanie. Stephanie calls Carlito to come out and then kicks Mick in the balls when he’s not looking. Carlito spits apple in Foley’s face.

Would you have anal sex with Stephanie?

In the back, Eric Bischoff makes fun of Foley and refuses to let him out of refereeing tonight’s match.

Triple H vs. Viscera.

Ric Flair attacks during Triple H’s entrance. They brawl for a while before Triple H gets dragged away by referees. Flair BEGS to be put in a cage match with Triple H. A CAGE! A CAGE! WHOOO! A CAGE! [NR]

Outside, John Bradshaw Layfield arrives in his limo. Bischoff brings security and meets JBL at the door. Edge, Lita and Chris Masters appear in the ring to announce their interbrand match at Taboo Tuesday. They actually run down every single one of them. Matt Hardy, Rey Mysterio, Christian, Hardcore Holly, and JBL himself. JBL offers to let Masters put the Masterlock on him. Of course, it’s all just a ruse to get Edge and Lita alone. Rey Mysterio jumps the rail and missile dropkicks Edge. 619 to Lita and like that…he’s gone. Except for some very notable flaws (anytime Masters or Lita opened their mouths, Edge forgetting Christian is supposed to be his brother) this was fun. I’ve been saying for months that JBL would be a great babyface promo guy, and he showed it here.

Mickey James (w/Trish Stratus & Ashley) vs. Victoria (w/.

***drool*** Vicky takes Mickey down with a headlock. Mickey comes back with a sunset flip for two. She misses a dropkick, though, and Victoria goes to work on her smooth, firmly-toned leg. Mickey comes back with a huracanrana. I’M MICK JAMES, BITCH! Torrie trips Mickey up from the outside. Mickey counters a suplex to a small package, but Candace comes in behind the referee’s back to roll Victoria on top. Ashley distracts the ref now, so Trish comes in and rolls them back. Mickey picks up the win at 3: 27 in her singles debut. *

Vince McMahon comes out and rips off Bret Hart’s old “enema” line. He also introduces footage of JR’s colon surgery. Basically, it’s just Vince and someone who may or may not be a porn actress doing bad comedy shtick. When did Vince start stealing the writers from SNL? I don’t care how many midcarders win the NWA Title or how many Xs fall from the ceiling, it has to be better than this. In the past few weeks, they’ve ripped themselves off so many times it’s just sad. And they’re not even ripping off the good stuff!

Anyway, in the back…no. No. I can’t let this go. THAT WAS SO FUCKING STUPID! Who gets PAID to write this shit? The only saving grace was a cameo from the O RLY owl.

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. Rosey & _______

Hurricane turned heel last week in an angle that a handful of casual fans probably know about, so he doesn’t even bother to come out with Rosey. Rosey cleans house as ace staff reporter “Gregory Helms” comes out and watches in street clothes. The numbers prove to be too much for Rosey as the champs pick him apart. The Whammy (or Sweet & Sour as they call it) finishes Rosey off at 3:16. I think Helms will make a really good heel, but it’s about three years too late. Say, remember when they turned him heel last year at this time? No. That’s okay. Neither did they. 1/4*

John Cena vs. Kurt Angle

Mick Foley is the special referee. Angle takes him down in a side headlock. Cena makes the comeback and clotheslines him over the top as we go to break. Angle seems to be more over as a face than Cena, although Cena gets a pretty big pop for the clothesline. We come back to Cena laying on the ground. Back in, Angle starts suplexing Cena around the ring. Angle and Foley get into it over a count, and Foley shoves him into a schoolboy by Cena. That gets two. A sunset flip gets two more. Cena runs into the turnbuckle and takes a German Suplex. It only gets two as Foley is counting noticeably slow. Cena makes the Superthug comeback. A Fisherman’s suplex gets two. Carlito comes up to interfere, so Foley brawls with him on the outside. Eric Bischoff comes out to replace him and breaks up an FU. Angle can’t finish Cena despite quick counts from Bischoff. Angle gets the Anklelock, so Bischoff gets in Cena’s face and yells for him to tap out. YOU’RE THE REF! JUST SIGNAL THAT HE DID! It doesn’t matter if he really does or doesn’t, just signal for the bell. Oh, but that would be corrupt. Bischoff grabs Cena’s hand and makes him tap out at 14:07. *

Final Thoughts: Dave Batista gave an interview a few weeks ago about how he felt there were guys who weren’t giving their full effort. I wonder why. No matter how much you bust your ass one-quarter of the show is still devoted to McMahon segments. How would you feel if you were “Gregory Helms” and you’d just turned heel in a massive overhaul of your character and career, but your turn and subsequent interview was relegated to WWE Unlimited? Can anyone honestly argue that they couldn’t have cut out 30 seconds of Vince fucking some bimbo just to hear what an actual wrestler has to say? Or what about the new tag champs, who are probably going to be jobbed out. Wonder why they can’t get over. The really sad thing is that TNA has been able to put on entertaining shows with only a fraction of what Vince has. Awful, awful show tonight, and it’s not the fault of the wrestlers. Tune into Impact!

J.D. Dunn