The SmarK Rant For XWF: In Your Face!

The SmarK Rant for XWF: IN YOUR FACE!!!

Now, that’s just bad. You’ve got no attitude, you’re barely
outrageous, and I don’t know what you’re in, but it’s not my
face. Next!

– Roger Myers, proving that there’s a Simpsons quote for ANY occasion.

– So yeah, as you may have guessed, there was an XWF PPV before the Pride show last night, and since I wasn’t paying for either I figured I’d sit through the XWF one while waiting for the real attraction. Speaking of which, Pride was pretty much the greatest MMA show I’ve ever seen and if wrestling’s announcers would stop yelling everything and listen to Quadros & Rutten and pay attention to how they actually got Fedor-Nogueira over as a classic match simply by explaining the psychology and technical details involved, people might not be booing during restholds so much. Just because JR amps the decibel level up to Spinal Tap levels in an effort to convince us that we’re watching a “classic moment” doesn’t make it so. But when Sakuraba went DOWN out of nowhere, that’s awesome. And one final note – anyone who makes fun of the Shining Wizard as a legitimate finisher should watch Anderson Silva knocking Carlos Newton unconscious with one.

But that’s enough about the GOOD show last night…

– What we’re witnessing is a one-hour show, culled from leftovers of the long-dead XWF promotion, which lasted roughly two months in 2001 and early 2002. It was essentially the same plan as WWA – take WCW’s sloppy seconds and try to craft an actual promotion out of them. SHOCKINGLY, this plan didn’t work. I guess this is their last-ditch attempt to make a few bucks off the tapings and recoup their losses.

– Taped from Universal Studios, FL.

– Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Jerry Lawler. Lawler was signed back by the WWF soon after this, just to fuck with them.

– Production values are excellent, by the way. It’s roughly on the level of WCW Saturday Night, leading me to believe that WCW’s production team took the easy money and worked with these guys.

– Opening interview: We meet CEO Rena Mero and Commissioner Piper. We’re one segment into a one-hour show based around a promotion dead for a year and they’re already TALKING for FIFTEEN MINUTES. But it gets BETTER. Rena (playing the figurehead of the promotion) declares that for too long wrestling has been run by has-beens and never-weres, desperately clinging to the past. STOP! TOO MUCH IRONY! No more primadonnas! No more politics! Again, this is RENA MERO saying these things. We’re not even five minutes in and they’re already contradicting themselves. And they wonder why no one took them seriously. Then we get Piper rambling for another 10 minutes about the same stuff (this from the guy who went something like 5 years without doing a job of any kind) and talking about young blood and level playing fields, before putting over Greg Valentine and Jimmy Snuka. This is insanity.

– Promo for the Kiss Demon. Okay, let’s stop right here. They had over a YEAR to put this nonsense together, knowing full well that this was going to be the only program shown, so why are they showing a promo for a guy who’s not even on the show? Were they too broke to edit it down a bit?

– Big Vito v. Buff Bagwell. No more primadonnas! No more politics! No more egos! I’m so glad BUFF BAGWELL is here to save us from all those primadonnas and egos. Vito slugs Buff down to start and chokes him out, and they criss-cross into a Buff hiptoss and dropkick. He hasn’t lost a step! Of course, having zero talent makes it hard to go further down. Vito superkicks him out of the corner and stomps away, playing heel while appealing to the crowd. Sideslam gets two. This is obviously one of those comped tourist crowds who are prompted to cheer and boo on cue. Buff comes back with a sunset flip for two and makes the comeback with a backdrop and a neckbreaker. It gets two. Blockbuster is blocked by Vito and turned into a superplex for two. Blind charge hits boot and the Blockbuster finishes at 4:08. Vito tried and Buff exerted his usual non-effort. *

– Hulk Hogan promo. He was in the WWF soon after.

– Meanwhile, the cruiserweights go to meet Roddy Piper. Piper wants the little guys to have respect, so he’s gonna toss them all in the ring at once for the Cruiserweight title. This is mind-boggling.

– Hail promo. Picture Warlord without the charisma and marketability.

– Marty Jannetty v. Hail. I’d almost feel sorry for Marty if he wasn’t such a lowlife. Exactly how is a guy named “Hail” supposed to get over as a monster? “Man, those punches are the size of canned hams!” You can’t even mock him properly. Hail shoves Jannetty into the corner and stops to pose like it’s Rock-Hogan or something. A devastating shoulderbreaker sets up the legdrop for the pin at 1:24. Yes, this guy was really supposed to be the XWF’s monster heel for the new century and Hulk Hogan’s big nemesis. Planted signs aside, it’s laughable at best to suggest he’s ever going to be anything. DUD

– Simon & Swinger promo. Again, never seen on the show otherwise.

– Konnan & Ray Gonzales v. Psychosis & Juventud Guerrera. Juvy drops an elbow on Gonzales and chops away to start, as we get the amateur-hour editing job and clip to Ray making the comeback and the hot tag to Konnan. He hits Juvy with a wheelbarrow suplex and DDTs Psychosis, and the faces double-team Juvy with a hiptoss that gets two. Juvy comes back with the Drunk Driver on Gonzales and goes up, but Konnan crotches him to save. Gonzales gets a sloppy Ace Crusher to finish Juvy at 1:24 aired. This was obviously edited by someone who doesn’t know wrestling. DUD

– Promo for someone named Drezden.

– Horace Hogan v. Ian Harrison. Harrison is a scary-looking bodybuilder type, and not in the good way. He has that Scott Steiner “Muscles about to rupture any second” look and a face like someone caught in a Gamma bomb explosion. Hogan attacks to start, but gets powerslammed. He tosses Hogan and suplexes him back in, and pounds away. Hogan tries to come back, but gets tossed down and slammed. And then, get this – a HEADSCISSORS gets the submission at 1:43. This is the best they can think up for his devastating finisher? DUD Harrison moves like a slug, which is still a notch faster than HHH.

– Norman Smiley v. Johnny B. Badd. If was the WWE, I’d question the legality of Mero using that gimmick, but on the other hand he looks pretty built here and I’m kind of shocked that they haven’t made a play for him in that gimmick. Norman takes him down to start and gets a hiptoss, then stops to dance. Badd goes to a headlock and overpowers Smiley, and gets his own hiptoss and dancing. We’re clipped to Smiley attacking in the corner and getting the spinning slam, and a clothesline gets two. We hit the chinlock and Badd escapes and stomps away in the corner, but runs into a boot and gets clotheslined again. Double-arm delayed suplex gets two for Smiley. He goes to an inverted armbar and then hammers away, but gets caught with the TKO (F5) and Badd gets the pin at 3:23. Best match of the show. That’s not saying much, of course. *1/4

– Cruiserweight battle royal: There’s 8 guys in the ring I can see, including Chris Daniels, Juvy, Psychosis, Low-Ki (called Quick Kick), Prince Iaukea, Kid Kash (called Kid Krash here), AJ Styles and a jobber named Billy Fives. Mr. Fives goes out first while trying a headscissors. Iaukea hammers on Daniels in the corner, while Kash chops Styles. Juvy & Psychosis send each other out, and then Styles takes a CRAZY no-hands backdrop bump over the top onto them. Low-Ki kicks the shit out of Kash while Daniels stomps on Iaukea in the corner. They chops each other in opposite corners, and both Kash & Low-Ki end up on the top rope. Daniels & Iaukea collide in the middle and both Low-Ki & Kash dive at them, but both guys duck and Kash & Low-Ki collide in mid-air, mid-ring, in the most amazing and inventive spot I’ve seen in months. Low-Ki handsprings at Kash and misses, and ends up on the floor. Kash ranas Iaukea out, leaving him and Daniels. Daniels gets a high kick and goes up with a moonsault, which misses. Kash gets a tornado DDT and Daniels goes up to come back, but gets dumped and Kash gets the title at 5:20. Just a crazy spotfest, but a fun one. **

– The Nasty Boys v. The Shane Twins. The Shanes gained later “fame” in TNA’s debut show as Rod & Dick Johnson. And boy, that career-ending neck injury that Sags sued WCW for sure healed up, didn’t it? I believe that Knobbs was booking this show. Sags chokes out a Shane to start and they give him the Pitstop, but Shane overpowers him and gets a Northern Lights suplex on both Nasties. The other Shane comes in and slams Sags, and they flapjack Knobbs for two. Knobbs comes back on a Shane and hammers away in the corner while the other Shane takes care of Sags outside. Knobbs charges and misses, and the Shanes get the win at 2:14. Total fluke win. ј* The Road Warriors help the Shanes clear out the Nasties, and then cut a promo about the Nasty Boys. Wow, I’m gonna be left on the edge of my seat waiting for the exciting blowoff to this feud. That non-job sure looked political to me, but Rena Mero and Roddy Piper both said there’s no politics, so I’m confused.

– Vapor v. Jimmy Snuka Jr. Vapor is a Generic Evil Japanese Wrestler, and you know he’s both generic and evil because he’s managed by Sonny Onoo. Snuka Jr. vaguely resembles RVD in tights and style, but not talent. Snuka hammers away in the corner, and gets some sort of faceplant that should hurt him more than Vapor in theory. Speaking of Vapor, the only upside I can find is the potential finishers – the Vapor-Lock and the Vaporub! Vapor whips him around and misses a corner splash, and Snuka chops away. Vapor gets a rolling fireman’s carry (we’ll call that one the VapoRub) and that gets two. A shot to the throat and he charges with another one. Snuka forgets to lift his leg, so they repeat the spot and Vapor ends up with a powerslam for two. Vapor pounds away, but heel miscommunication results in Snuka getting a neckbreaker for two. Bad bad bad. Snuka FINALLY remembers to drag Onoo into the ring, but that results in Jimmy Snuka Sr. coming in to take care of him. The evil Japanese collide and the Snukas finish with stereo splashes at 4:38. I’d call this a bad match, but that would be insulting to all the bad matches who worked so much harder for that honor in 2002. -* The worst part is that Vapor didn’t even use a submission hold so I could dub something the Vapor-Lock!

– Main event: Vampiro v. Curt Hennig. What a sad final epitaph for Hennig’s great career – main-eventing against a has-been on a PPV full of C-level rejects, run by money marks. Bobby Heenan makes a guest appearance as Hennig’s “agent” (not a manager), a gimmick that Paul Heyman ripped off with Brock Lesnar. Vamp gets a reverse kick to start and clotheslines him in the corner a couple of times, and Hennig takes one of his dramatic bumps to the floor. He necksnaps Vamp coming back in and gets the kneelift and some chops in the corner. Rolling necksnap and the GUM SWAT~! Vamp comes back with a backdrop suplex for two. He goes up with a leg lariat that gets two. Heenan reaches for brass knuckles, but Piper steals them, hits Hennig with them, and Vamp gets the pin at 2:19. Short and inoffensive. Goodbye, Curt. Ѕ*

The Bottom Line:

I don’t even know what the POINT of this was, exactly. The promotion is long dead, the commentary was all over the place (sometimes Tony would be talking about how it was the inaugural telecast, other times they’d talk about matches “last week”), the editing was sloppy as hell, and the show as a whole was just generally the same old stuff that every other wannabe promotion has shlocked onto the fans in an attempt to separate them from their money.

But hey, if two-year old leftover PPVs featuring matches that aren’t even at the level of stuff you get on the WWE weekend programming is your bag, then this is your dream show. For the sane, take a pass.

Strong recommendation to avoid at all costs.