The SmarK RAW Rant – April 8 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – April 8, 2002

– I went to see Rik Emmett play at a local club called Reds on Saturday night, and I had an epiphany. You wouldn’t necessarily think that one would follow from the other, but hear me out anyway. Rik was the lead singer for a Canadian group called Triumph who had a ton of big hits all over the world (Follow Your Heart, Lay It On The Line, The Magic Power) before Rik went solo in the early 90s. However, without the rest of the band, he was just Rik Emmett Playing Triumph Songs, and while it’s still a great concert, there comes a time to stop doing the nostalgia tours.

Which brings me to the reason why you’re reading this only on 411 and not TheSmarks. See, when we started, it was like a rock group – me, Don, Jeremy and Jon touring the big internet arenas and raising hell. Well, fast-forward to the beginning of this year, as Jon’s off doing stuff in school, Jeremy’s too busy with the band to be even a part-time webmaster anymore, Don’s getting married and has a real life…and that leaves me and the new backup band – Jay, Scotsman and Justin. It’s a great band, and the arenas are still packed, but it’s not TheSmarks and it’s silly for me to keep pretending that it is by maintaining a site that I lost all interest in months ago. And yet here I was for the past week or so, seriously looking into spending upwards of a $1000 US per year to get a new server for the site, when my stuff was being cross-posted to 411wrestling every time anyway. It’s not a matter of being unable to afford to keep the site going, it’s a matter of the site no longer being what I want it to be. So why not go the most pragmatic route?

So as of now, we’re moving. To 411, in our own area, on a permanent basis, where I can get my tape review archive re-entered over the next week or so in peace, and freely allow my writing to grow without being constantly held back by the expectations of an audience who just want me to play the same songs every night. You know who you are – the ones who freaked out over the Mirror Universe RAW Rant because it was something I had never done before. For the most part, it’s still going to be the same content you know and love from TheSmarks – featuring myself doing RAW/Smackdown and PPVs, Justin covering puroresu reviews, Jay doing the daily news and Scotsman being himself, plus the SmarkLogs will remain and people like GP Ryan and Denny Burkholder will still pop in with their stuff – but we’re just not going to be TheSmarks anymore. Thus, no more expectations (in theory) of what the site “should” be. We’re just a bunch of guys hanging out, eatin’ fruit and being cool. In the end, I am a writer, not a webmaster, and I’m sick of having to play webmaster and doing a lousy job at it because of a lack of time. Besides, Widro is way better at it, and he might even be able to make a good search engine for my tape reviews!

So really this won’t affect anything from your end unless you REALLY hate 411. The site was running on fumes for the past month or so anyway. The SmarkForum is still going at http://newforum.thesmarks.com for those who post there. Thanks to everyone who has been a part of making the site what it was for the past three years, stretching back to 1999, and keep reading, because the best is yet to come.

Unlike the WWF.

– Live from Phoenix, AZ. The Canucks say “thanks” for those 2 points last night, by the way.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: The Undertaker rolls out. He wants an explanation for what’s going on. So do I. He’s stopping RAW until someone explains, but Flair comes out right away. Damn, I was hoping to flip over to the baseball game for a while. Flair admits he was wrong, but he gets to make the championship match AFTER Backlash so Taker should calm down. Taker thinks he’s a no-good son of a bitch. Terry Funk would be so proud. Taker DEMANDS the shot after Backlash. Didn’t we just establish that like two seconds ago? Steve Austin interrupts this riveting tete-a-tete and he’s not impressed with Undertaker. We play What for a while without saying much. Austin’s watch decides that Flair needs to make a choice between Austin & Undertaker. Well, it certainly couldn’t be a worse booker than Stephanie. Flair recaps the bad blood everyone has with each other and makes Undertaker v. RVD and Austin v. Hall, winners to meet for the #1 contendership at Backlash. Or at least I’d assume so. And I do NOT fear the Scotsman – only his smell. That sign is spreading malicious rumors about me.

– Hardcore title: Bubba Ray Dudley v. Booker T. Get the feeling they’re already running out of fresh matchups? Booker gives us a pre-match spinaroonie and challenges Bubba’s dancing acumen, so he gets down with his bad self. Bubba attacks to start and dumps Booker, and they brawl out there. Booker meets the stairs, and back in Bubba loads up the plunder. Suplex on a trumpet gets two. Pump splash misses and Booker sidekicks him and stomps away. Axe kick and stop sign set up the ALUMINUM TRASHCAN OF DOOM, but Bubba gets a samoan drop. Bubba drops the elbows and gets the tables, but Booker catches him with a spinebuster. Goldust runs in and DDTs Booker, but gets powerbombed through the table by Bubba, who pins him to retain at 3:55. Have I mentioned how much I hate that stupid finish? Why book the match if you don’t want to book a finish? ј*

– Meanwhile, Trish is upset that Molly hit her with a paddle last week. William Regal interrupts because no one cares about Trish, and vows revenge against Spike Dudley.

– Meanwhile, Kane reads the Divas magazine. He’s decided that freaks are cool. The Kane personality revival continues.

– Meanwhile, X-Pac is ready, and he doesn’t even need his numchuks.

– Falls-Count-Anywhere: X-Pac The Main Event Guy v. Kane. X-Pac attacks to start and gets a pair of spinkicks, which Kane gleefully no-sells and pounds away. Big boot and faceplant, and Kane dumps him. They head out into the crowd and backstage, where Hall & Nash jump Kane and beat him down. X-Pac gets the pin at 1:59. DUD X-Pac unmasks him, but Bradshaw makes the save. We don’t see the face. This 1-2-3 Kid & Razor Ramon v. Justin Hawk Bradshaw & Isaac Yankem feud is MONEY, I tell ya. Oh, wait, you mean it’s not 1996? Sorry, I couldn’t tell, I was too busy laughing at X-Pac’s chairshots missing by a foot.

– Meanwhile, the nWo mug with Kane’s mask. Flair comes in and suspends Nash…without pay! Oh, TAG. He should suspend him without conditioner, that’d REALLY hit him where it hurts.

– European title match: William Regal v. Spike Dudley. Spike steals the knuckles, knocks out Regal, and pins him to win the title. DUD Um, yeah, so like irony and stuff.

– Meanwhile, Spike celebrates with the other jobbers as Slurpees are plugged. Put Steve Blackman there and it’s like CRZ’s dream segment.

– Rob Van Dam v. Undertaker. Undertaker must win here to be the #1 contender after Backlash, but RVD has no stake in this match. Taker pounds him down to start as JR points out that there’s another #1 contender match later tonight. So which match is for the #1 contendership – this one or that one? Or do they meet or what? Taker knocks RVD down for two. Note to JR: Don’t ever use “dissed” in a serious discussion about wrestling. Rob fights back but gets caught with a sideslam for two. More stomping. Undertaker walks around for about 5 minutes between elbows as RVD lays on the apron selling it. Legdrop misses and Rob gets a quebrada from the apron and fights back, but Taker shrugs him off. He runs into the post by accident, and back in they go. Rob blocks a spinkick badly and gets Rolling Thunder, but gets crotched when he goes to the top. Superplex gets two for Taker. Elbowdrop gets two. Taker grabs a chair, but gets it kicked back in his face and Rob goes up with the frog splash, but stops to take out Eddie Guerrero on the floor and gets chokeslammed for two. Last Ride is escaped and Rob goes up again with a missile dropkick and frog splash, but Eddie Guerrero nails him with the belt and Taker gets two. Thought that was it. Last Ride finishes at 9:00. Undertaker looked god-awful and the screwjob (#3 in a series tonight) didn’t help matters much. It was pretty watchable by the end, though, despite itself. **

– Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly. Oh, man, Molly has un-dyed her hair. And she looks even better now. Very Nicole Kidmanish. Brawl outside to start, and Trish stomps away in the ring. Monkey flip and dropkick, and Molly bails. Back in, Molly gets a lariat and chokes away. Handspring elbow gets two. Molly tosses Trish around for a bit and gets two. She goes up but gets crotched and rana’d off by Trish. Trish goes for Jazz, but gets nailed with the belt as a result. Back in, Molly uses a rolling pin at 4:05. What is WITH all the screwjob finishes tonight? Anyway, Molly makes a very good heel, and hopefully she won’t get the legs cut out from underneath her again. *

– Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar is pumped for his upcoming interview. Heyman reminds him that he CANNOT grab a member of the audience and beat them up. Damn.

– BROCK~! Heyman revels in the glory of BROCK~! And covers some history. Fact: Heyman managed Steve Austin and groomed him for greatness. Fact: Heyman managed Undertaker and groomed him for greatness. Fact: Heyman created ECW and the WWF stole his ideas. Man, get over it. Heyman is giving us his guarantee that Brock is the Next Big Thing. He unloads the superlatives like they’re going out of style and we watch some footage. The Hardy Boyz foolishly attack and get maimed. Brock no-sells two chairshots and decides to back off, just in case he loses control and kills them too badly. See, he’s not only the Next Big Thing, he’s a humanitarian.

– Mr. Perfect v. Big Show. I smell an angle coming up. Show pounds away and Perfect bails, but gets tossed back in. Clothesline, but a charge misses and Perfect goes low with a pretty nice ballshot. Perfectplex gets one. Chokeslam finishes at 1:41. Well, I guess it was just filler. DUD I bet that poor guy in the 80th row with the “Mr. Perfect” sign is disappointed, though.

– Meanwhile, Steve Austin takes over Flair’s office.

– We watch some clips from earlier tonight. Thank god we have JR to perform valuable services like explaining that the #1 contender angle is confusing. I didn’t get that at all before he broke it down like that and really explained WHY we should be confused by it. Before, I was confused, but for entirely the wrong reasons, not the correct WWF-Style Confusion as cleared by the PR department.

– #1 Contender match (#2): Steve Austin v. Scott Hall. Okay, now it’s settled – if Austin wins, he meets Hall at Backlash to determine the #1 contender. Talk about your needlessly complex booking. Austin attacks Hall to start and a slam gets one. Short-arm clothesline gets two. They brawl out and back in, where Austin gets tossed. JR notes that Austin opened a can of whoopass on X-Pac and was thinking of walking it dry. Geez, now he’s mixing his own cliches. Back in, Hall goes low to turn the tide. Austin bails. The nWo get their shots in, and back in Hall gets a clothesline for two. Sleeper, but Austin suplexes out. Austin misses a charge and crotches himself, and Hall gets two. More stomping. SMELL THE WORKRATE. Hall goes up but gets caught and Austin clotheslines him for the double KO. Austin pounds away and they screw up the Thesz Press spot, but the ref is bumped. What a shock. Spinebusters for everyone! Undertaker runs in and beats on Austin, but Bradshaw chases him out. Hall gets two on Austin. Ref bumped again and now X-Pac comes in for the beatdown, cue Flair to make THAT save. Austin stuns X-Pac and Hall, and gets the pin at 9:35. More overbooked crap as Hall staggered around like a senior citizen and Austin spent the whole match calling spots on camera, which Hall then couldn’t do properly. But hey, the ref got bumped twice and four people ran in, so it MUST be good, right? Ѕ*

The Bottom Line:

Hey, Austin’s having matches with Undertaker and feuding with the owner! Never seen that before.

RVD-UT was okay, but all the other wrestling was brutal as usual, filled with the usual screwjob finishes. Disguising an incredibly weak roster with booking trickery can only keep a show afloat for so long before you run out of tricks. But at least two 9-minute matches in the same show bodes well for the realization from the bookers that something needs to be done about the in-ring quality. Not that I’m holding my breath.