The SmarK RAW Rant – August 19, 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – August 19, 2002

– Hey, Major League Baseball, way to endear yourself to me: Go on strike
on my BIRTHDAY. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, go to hell,
I’ll find another sport to watch in the summer. You had your chance and
you blew it.

– Live from Norfolk, VA.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: The Undertaker has some deep and meaningful stuff for
us: He loves America, by god! He needs to bring back that robe from
Survivor Series 93 with the American flag. He talks about American
freedoms, which is really kinda dumb because the UnAmericans all come from
Canada, where we have the exact same freedoms. You know, I never got that
whole “We have to fight to retain our freedoms” argument the only time
that was ever really an issue was during the Revolutionary War. Other than
that, it’s just been the US sticking its nose into other people’s wars. I
mean, Hitler couldn’t even take ENGLAND are you telling me he was any kind
of threat to make it all the way over the Atlantic Ocean? Anyway, the
interview drags on, don’t screw with America, USA is AOK, blah blah. Test
interrupts, riding his own motorbike. You know what the Un-Americans
need? A hand signal. They’ve got the t-shirt, and they’ve got the symbol
(upside-down flag), all that’s lacking is the Canadian equivalent of the
nWo hand sign. A six-way brawl quickly erupts between the usual suspects,
which gives us a match for tonight. Was the 15 minutes of boredom and
jingoism really worth it?

– A bunch of JTTS are in the ring, and Eric Bischoff comes out to announce
that the 24/7 rule for the Hardcore title is DEAD. YAY! So he announces
that at the end of 6 minutes, whoever is left standing is the champion.

– Hardcore schmoz: Bradshaw clotheslines Dreamer for a pin to win the
title. Everyone jumps Bradshaw and he gets dumped. Bradshaw finds a
baking sheet and hammers on people, then uses a kitchen sink. Bradshaw
pounds on someone outside (Mike Awesome?), but gets superkicked by
Richards, and Crash wins the title. Jeff gets the railrunner for two. Oh,
okay, it’s Johnny the Bull. He takes a big bump into the railing and Jeff
follows with a plancha, leaving Bubba to put Crash through a
table. Dreamer pins Crash to win the title. Bradshaw powerbombs Dreamer
and lariats Richards, and gets two on Dreamer. Bubbabomb on Dreamer gets
two. Bubba powerbombs Bradshaw and superplexes Dreamer for two. Spike
also gets two. Bubba gets another two, and they all fight over who gets to
pin Dreamer. Time runs out and Dreamer is the champion. Total
crap. Ѕ* Kane’s music hits again and everyone stands around in awe while
the music plays. Okay then.

– Meanwhile, Stacy and Trish have a conversation in Eric’s office. Eric
interrupts before things get too catty. He points out that since no one
cares about women’s wrestling, he’ll just make a bra-and-panties match in
the mud. Man’s got a point.

– Mud match: Stacy v. Trish. Stacy attacks and tosses Trish from the ramp
into the mud to start. Nice bump. Into the mud we go and Stacy gets
spanked. I’m losing track of who’s who. And really, does it
matter? Trish wins with a rollup. Howard Finkel and Little Naitch both
end up in the mud. I care about none of this.

– Meanwhile, Rock gets a delivery from Paul Heyman. He makes some unfunny
jokes about Heyman and harasses the delivery girl. It’s pictures of
Hogan. Whew, for a second there I thought we might finally get the Baby
Doll pictures.

– Does it strike anyone else as a tad hypocritical of them to hype a
pro-America rally while selling shirts with an UPSIDE-DOWN AMERICAN FLAG on
them?

– HHH and his clipboard (probably found in a box marked “McMahon-Helmsley
Era”) come out to thrill us with CONTRACT LEGALITIES. He promises no match
until Shawn signs a waiver. Oh, darn, guess the match is off. He’s going
to have his way with Shawn at the PPV. Well, that’s, uh…a bit too much
information. HHH notes that Brock is going to be watching tonight. The
match tonight has been made no-DQ and it’s non-title. Jericho FINALLY
interrupts the boredom, and suddenly the interview gets so boring that my
whole computer crashes! My sources inform me that I didn’t miss anything
during my reboot.

– The Un-Americans v. Booker T, Goldust & Undertaker. Big brawl to start,
and Booker starts with Test before getting tossed by Storm and worked over
on the outside. Back in, Christian pounds away, but Test charges and hits
an elbow. He comes back with Uncle Slam for two. How ironic he’s using
the Patriot’s finisher. Test hits the chinlock, but Booker escapes and
gets a sidekick. Hot tag Goldust, and he bulldogs Christian and powerslams
Storm. He goes for Shattered Nuts on Christian, but stalls too long and
gets laid out by Test with the big boot. Taker takes care of Test with his
own big boot and dumps him, then chokeslams Storm. Test & Taker brawl to
the back, leaving the basic tag match. Booker axe-kicks Storm, but gets
DDT’d by Christian. Christian nails Goldust with a belt for the pin at
6:15. This didn’t exactly fill me with confidence for the PPV matches, as
everyone seemed to be tripping over their own feet, but everything has been
sucking tonight, so no biggie. *1/2

– Rock trains. Cool stuff.

– Meanwhile, Big Show takes exception to not getting an I-C title
shot. RVD’s explanation: “You’re a tool.” I love shoot comments that
aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. But wait! Show tries to fire back
with “I’m a giant.”, to which Rob trumps him with “Okay, you’re a GIANT
tool.” It’s a match tonight.

– Meanwhile, Flair announces that his announcement from 3 weeks ago has
been put on hold due to Jericho. Chris attacks him to cap off the
segment. Oh no, NOT THE ALUMINUM PIPES!

– Rob Van Dam v. The Giant Tool. Rob evades the Tool and heads up with a
missile dropkick, but can’t monkey flip him. Rob bails and the Tool
follows, but he kicks the stairs. Rob comes down and guillotines him from
the apron. Tool sends him into the post and they head back in, but Rob
gets caught with a chokeslam. Tool grabs the stairs, but Bischoff comes
out and stops him by calling forth the Island Boyz at 2:37. Thank
GOD. DUD As much as I’m grateful to them for ending that god-awful match,
they’re still fat, still samoan, and I still don’t care.

– More Rock, as he pontificates on HHH with some horribly unfunny stuff
about HHH throughout history. Woof, this show is sucking. Reminding us
that they’ve already fought 5 million times probably isn’t the best
idea. This somehow segues into a lame excuse to show a Brock video
package. Coach spreads rumors about Lesnar being in the building. As Rock
interviews go, this wasn’t one of his best.

– Meanwhile, HHH asks Bischoff to bend over. Okay, that’s out of context,
but still. Bischoff refuses to sanction the match between HHH &
Shawn. HHH promises that the match will be brutal. I bet it will.

– Fozzy performs. I channel surf. Lawler won’t shut up during the song
anyway. Ric Flair breaks up the encore and chases off the band. I guess
this is supposed to build heat for the match. Hey, Antique Roadshow is on
PBS!

– Summerslam promo. Same one as Smackdown.

– Brock and Heyman buy another ticket for RAW so they can sit in the front
row. We just DID that gimmick.

– You know, someone just e-mailed me a good point: Bischoff is actually
the babyface GM here. He gets rid of the useless titles, brings the tag
belts to RAW, cheers his guys on, gives the fans T&A and speaks the truth
about women’s wrestling, kills bad segments by using the Island Boyz, and
tries to prevent Big Show from wrestling! Hell, if he did HALF of that
stuff as well in WCW, they’d still be around.

– Rock v. HHH. Might as well put a big sign saying “SCREWJOB FINISH
UPCOMING” on-screen while we’re at it. This match is all about sending
messages. I’d recommend just using Fed-Ex it’s probably
easier. Staredown to start and they slug it out, as Rock lays the
smackdown and gets a lariat. Rock pounds away and dumps HHH, and hits him
with another clothesline on the floor. HHH drops him on the railing in
turn, and they head back in. Rock runs into a knee, and HHH goes to work
on the ribs. Rock slugs back, but eats another knee. HHH goes to the
abdominal stretch, which is smart but boring, and uses the ropes. Rock
slugs back, but HHH goes to the eyes, and they clothesline each
other. Rock slugs back again and gets a belly to belly for
two. Spinebuster and People’s Elbow, but his ribs are too injured to cover
right away, and he only gets two. HHH goes low to come back and tosses
Rock, then introduces him to the stairs. Back in, HHH fetches his Trusty
Sledgehammer, but Brock jumps the rail. Ref is tossed, but Shawn Michaels
does a run-in to prevent HHH from using the hammer. Rock saves Shawn from
a beating, but walks into a facebuster. Brock jumps in and fights with
Shawn, who superkicks him out of the ring. Rock Bottom on HHH and it
appears to be a Sportz Entertainment Finish at 9:37, as Rock chases Lesnar
into the crowd. It’s a no-DQ match and they can’t even book a
finish? Shawn & HHH brawl up the ramp. Flat match, ending was a good hard
sell for the PPV. **1/2

The Bottom Line:

Well, the ending certainly helped a bit, but the first 2:06 of this turd
gets no love from me bad wrestling, dull skits, you name it.

But hey, if the last two minutes of a show is what you watch, then this was
your week!

Later.