The SmarK RAW Rant – December 2 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – December 2 2002

– This company’s self-destruction continues to get funnier by the minute, as the quarterly investor’s call provided us with some comedy gold, in the form of an investor who absolutely blindsided Linda with actual facts, like HHH dating Stephanie and the crappy house show attendance leading to the conclusion that the WWE had become WCW. Linda’s timely response: HHH dating Stephanie was a recent occurrence, they’ve got lots of big stars like HHH, HHH, HHH, Shawn Michaels, HHH, HHH and Scott Steiner, and they’re building other stars for the future of the company like Edge and Test. So therefore they’re not WCW, nyah nyah nyah. Expect Stevie Richards to get a new gimmick this week, as a mouthy investor who asks too many questions and gets powerbombed by Batista every week.

– The other, funnier, thing is that the WWE hired a Hollywood continuity checker to monitor the storylines and point out errors in them while keeping track of champions and histories and stuff. After a few weeks on the job, he pointed out too many errors and was fired. YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

– And finally, just to show that the WWE truly understands the concerns of the fanbase, Vince’s reasoning for the low ratings on RAW as of late: Not enough “support” for HHH. Well, that’s a relief.

– Live from Austin, TX

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening match: The Dudley Boyz v. 3 Minute Warning. Big brawl to start, and Bubba gets suplexed, but the Dudz double-team Rosie. Jamal gets back at them, and Bubba has a mid-air collision with Rosie. D-Von comes in and works the arm, as does Bubba. He actually uses an armbar takedown into a cross-armlock, thus fulfilling your token Japanese submission wrestling for the evening. You wouldn’t have thought that THIS match would produce it, but then the Virgin Mary has appeared in blueberry muffins, too, so I guess anything can happen. D-Von gets caught in the heel corner and splashed, however, to end the shooto exhibition. It was like Frye-Fedor there for a minute. 3MW work D-Von over in the corner with the usual generic heel offense, but D-Von gets a DDT and makes the false tag to Bubba. JR, as usual, is mollified at the refereeing. D-Von fights out of the corner with a neckbreaker and makes the real hot tag, however, and Bubba spears Rosie for two. Flip Flop and Fly, but Rico runs interference and Bubba gets suplexed. Spike runs in and pushes Jamal off the top, allowing the Dudleyz to get the Wazzup Drop on him. It’s the proverbial Chinese Fire Drill as Rosie hits Bubba with a Main Event Spinebuster, but Bubba no-sells and Rico gets involved again to break up the 3D, but a second try gets it at 7:55. This was okay, but a little dull and overbooked. ** Rico is totally wasted in this role, especially since the 3MW are rapidly dropping down the ladder of usefulness.

– During the break, the tag champs attack the Dudleyz and completely destroy them. Why do that during the commercial break? Wow, guys laying in the ring, what excitement!

– Meanwhile, Bischoff and Chief Morley are confronted by HHH and Flair. Maybe they can have a father-and-son mixed tag match. HHH feels that he should be the #1 contender without facing RVD tonight. Bischoff wants great TV, so HHH promises a train wreck. I love shoot comments yada yada. Funny bit – when Bischoff gets in HHH’s face, he makes sure to preface his comments with “I respect the hell out of you…” just like he was Tully Blanchard running down Dusty Rhodes in 1985 or something. High Chief Morley thinks nothing could be edgier and more original than a guest referee! If Shawn wears the bicycle shorts again, expect people around the world to retch in unison.

– Trish Stratus v. Ivory. Smell the ratings! They do some token matwork to start while the crowd chants for puppies. Trish works the arm and gets a clothesline for two. Ivory comes back with an enzuigiri and a rollup for two. Ivory tells the crowd to shut up, so you know she means business. Slam gets two. Ivory uses the obligatory hairtosses for two. They do a weird-looking irish whip into a Trish neckbreaker, and she makes the comeback. Kawada kick gets two. JR and King are completely baffled as to who the special ref is gonna be. Handstand rana gets two. Ivory comes back, but gets bulldogged for the pin at 4:12. I think Trish’s improvement has plateaued. *

– Meanwhile, Victoria and Jackie get all in each other’s face, and it’s on tonight. Victoria worries about finding something battery-powered in Jackie’s bag. Maybe she bought a Gameboy Advance for a Christmas present? When you want to pump up the acting quotient, call Jackie! You don’t mess with Jackie in Texas, apparently, as though anyone in the audience cares.

– Meanwhile, Nowinski congratulates the champions on a job well done. Funny bit: They keep their bags chained up to the lockers this time.

– Jeff Hardy & Tommy Dreamer v. William Regal & Lance Storm. Jeff’s tag team slut reputation continues. Dreamer and Hardy ambush the heels to start, but Storm gets a dropkick on Dreamer for two. Regal pounds on the injured jaw in the corner, and knees him down. Storm chokes away while JR chokes on their collective dick while delivering the JR Blowjob of the Week. They’re a great team, BY GAWD! No one cares and they spend zero time giving fans any reason to, but they’re the best ever, BY GAWD! Storm elbows him down for two. Dreamer escapes a crippling facelock, but it’s the false tag spot again. Gotta be careful with overusing spots like that. Dreamer gets sent into the turnbuckle for the anticlimactic pin at 3:26. Jeff, who didn’t even tag in, cleans house, but gets laid out until Dreamer saves with the kendo stick. Boring stuff, much like week after week of Regal & Storm fighting combinations of Hardy/Dreamer/Hurricane/Goldust with the same finish in 3 minute matches. *

– Meanwhile, Flair wants words with Batista.

– Batista v. Hurricane. Apparently the “Dave” was traded to Smackdown and will be appearing in Big Show’s corner. You think this might be a squash? Hurricane valiantly slugs away, but Batista no-sells and gets the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER OF DOOM. Powerbomb gets the pin at 0:51. DUD Yup. Kane saves Hurricane from further burial. JR & King still haven’t figured out that Shawn will be refereeing tonight.

– Meanwhile, Shawn and RVD have a tete-a-tete, where Rob sounds like he’s reading from a cue card, but Bischoff interrupts and makes Shawn the guest referee. WOW! I’ve only been saying that since they announced a guest referee an hour ago.

– Booker T v. Chris Jericho. Jericho is back to the old music again. Booker brings the dick jokes to up the high-class aspect of the show. Booker chops away to start, but Jericho returns fire with the CANADIAN PHYSICAL INTENSITY. Booker comes back with a sideslam for two. He misses a sidekick and crotches himself, which allows Jericho to dump him. Back in, an elbow from the top gets two. We hit the chinlock. Jericho drops an elbow for two. Backdrop suplex and Jericho heads up, but gets crotched and superplexed. Booker makes the comeback with a forearm and a flapjack for two. Rollup gets countered into the Walls, but it’s too close to the ropes. Jericho claims victory and gets into a shoving match with the ref, allowing Booker to get a missile dropkick for two. Catapult and sidekick put Jericho down, but he goes for the Spinarooni and gets bulldogged. Booker comes back with a spinkick, but Christian runs in and runs interference. Booker cradles Jericho for two. Christian goes after Booker again, and Goldust makes the save, allowing Booker to get the axe kick. High Chief Morley stops the count, and it’s a Sports Entertainment Finish at 8:07. So after the break, the match restarts as a tag title match. That’s pretty ECW.

– RAW Tag title match: Christian & Chris Jericho v. Booker T & Goldust. Christian runs into an atomic drop to start and gets butt-butted for two. Jericho comes in and gets double-teamed with a sidekick for two. Booker chops away, so Jericho takes a powder and does some male bonding with Christian. Back in, Booker hammers away on Jericho, but gets hit with a cheapshot and he’s YOUR brother-in-peril. Choking in the corner results. Christian charges and crotches himself, allowing Booker to make the hot tag to Goldust. Neckbreaker for Jericho! Lariat! He pounds away in the corner and gets Christian on the rebound, and a powerslam gets two. Bulldog for Christian sets up the Shattered Nuts, and he gets two on Jericho, freaking out the crowd. Booker hits Jericho with a whiplash for two. Sidekick sets up the Spinarooni, but Christian charges in with the belt and gets dumped. Jericho gets the drop sleeper for two. Bookend gets two, but Christian pulls out the ref. Jericho uses the trusty belt for the pin at 6:35, once again completely killing the crowd. Is there a RULE that says that Booker has to job in Texas every time they come through there? Why would you tease the crowd with a title change like that and then job them AGAIN? If you’re going to waste Booker in this role, at least don’t make him look like a total loser all the time. Match was quite good, though, retarded booking aside. The more they kill Goldust, the more motivated he seems to get, possibly out of spite. ***

– RAW Retro: More Austin. The return is imminent.

– Meanwhile, Test & Stacy make out. Stacy has a great new idea for Test, and we don’t hear from them again tonight.

– Victoria v. Jackie. Wow, what a pop for hometown hero Jackie! Why do they even keep her around? Victoria pounds away in the corner and gets the devastating VERTICAL SUPLEX OF DOOM for two. I think that Booker/Dust jobbing has destroyed this crowd’s will to care. Jackie comes back with a rana for two. They head up and Jackie gets a superplex for two. Victoria trips her and slingshots in with a legdrop for two. Jackie misses a charge, but gets a pair of backdrops and a spinkick for the pin at 2:34. So they put JACKIE over the killer heel in Texas to get a hometown pop (which it didn’t) but Booker T & Goldust, who actually MEAN something and are over, get to job to the champions? They couldn’t have done this finish in the tag match by making it non-title? THIS PROMOTION IS INSANE. Ѕ*

– Victoria & Stevie are still pouting in the ring, and Scott Steiner joins them for an interview. Stevie stands for Victoria’s honor, and gets killed. There’s some really twisted morality going on there. Victoria also gets some of the Big Bad Booty Daddy, and Bischoff joins us. He sucks up to Steiner, and offers him a special gift. We head to the back, as Bischoff brings hookers. Scott’s got a Super Freak in the limo, however. It’s Stephanie. Yeah, because it’s not like RAW needs the new faces or anything. I guess we’ve been SWERVED. Although I think that using twisted WWE logic, they’re gonna put Steiner over Show at Armageddon and then have Brock win the Rumble to set up a Brock-Steiner match for the title. And if that’s the plan, I’m not gonna argue too vociferously because they need to get whatever value they can out of Steiner before his foot falls off. Personally I would have had him cripple Shawn Michaels and win THAT title, but either way I don’t see him swinging buyrates anyway.

– RNN BREAKING NEWS! Sadly, there’s a developing story backstage at RAW, thus interrupting Orton. It’s HHH, wandering the halls. Wow, that’s quite the story. Now HHH is holding down RNN, too. Shawn & HHH have their usual boring confrontation to set up the main event. Shawn threatens to DQ HHH for the slightest infraction, thus guaranteeing a clean HHH win to show that he’s the MANLIEST MAN. RV-who?

– #1 Contender match: HHH v. Some Other Guy. See, now why would you stack the deck against the heel? You’re supposed to make the fans think that the face is gonna lose, and then have him triumph. Making HHH into the conquering hero like this is counterproductive unless you want to turn him babyface again. And thank GOD, Shawn is wearing pants tonight. He sends Flair packing, further stacking the deck against HHH. Rob gets a spinkick to start, and slugs away. Missile dropkick gets two. Another spinkick gets two. HHH goes for the Pedigree, right near the ropes, and gets dumped. Rob follows with a pescado (which HHH actually catches this time) and baseball slides him into the crowd. Guillotine on the railing and another missile dropkick back in get two. HHH USES THE KNEE to come back, and gets two. Shawn deliberately slow-counts him, and then fast-counts an RVD cradle. HHH uses the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, but Rob reverses. Shawn makes sure HHH can’t reach the ropes. Rob misses his moonsault, however, and then bumps Shawn with a cross-body. The World champion gets knocked out by a bodypress? HHH gets a chair, but Shawn prevents it. Rob spinkicks and accidentally hits Shawn to knock him out again, and Rolling Thunder gets nothing because Shawn is out again. HHH chairshots RVD and gets the reluctant pin at 6:31. That was bad, slow, and incredibly awful on several levels, from HHH’s Luger-like lumbering to the idiotic ref bumps to the weak chairshot finish. They trying to rip off Bret v. Undertaker from Summerslam 97, but without the good work or creative booking. ј* HHH, to the shock of no one, gets the title back at the PPV. RVD slinks off into the sunset while Shawn & HHH brawl.

The Bottom Line:

Well, there was one good match, but as usual retarded booking kills the crowd and HHH finishes the job by going over AGAIN in a match that could have set up a three-way at the PPV or ANYTHING other than the same tired HHH-Shawn matchup. This Shawn title reign has become completely pointless (whereas before it held out the GLIMMER of hope for Shawn putting over someone new and not named “HHH”). The rest was just blek, from the two women’s matches (where none would have sufficed) to the Dudleyz getting laid out during a commercial break to Bischoff promising consecussions and reprequences if Shawn didn’t call things absolutely down the middle and then doing nothing when he slow-counted several times during the match. Oh, and dick jokes. Can’t go a week without them.

I want to see Austin back, but I worry what will happen to him under the Gerwirtz regime.

But this is NOT WCW. Linda said so.