The SmarK RAW Rant – May 12 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – May 12, 2003

– Okay, so yeah, NOW I’m on the “Dump Cloutier” bandwagon. If he had pulled the Canucks’ ass out of the fire in game 7 against the Wild, then all would have been forgiven, but giving up two soft goals in a tie game in a life-or-death situation is clearly not what’s gonna take them to the finals again, and they’d be better off either shopping for a more proven goalie or giving Alex Auld a shot. I say go with Auld. Some have said that they should have gone with him to begin with, but what if he had won? Do you then go through the next round with him, also, and hope he doesn’t experience growing pains during a big game situation? And what if he loses? Then you shatter the confidence of TWO goaltenders. So I think going with Clouts was the right decision in the short term, but now it’s time to find someone else. Speaking of goaltenders, I would like to offer one helpful bit of advice to the Wild – you have to SCORE to win a game. Okay, that was a bit petty and spiteful, but I’m entitled.

– So I got my hands on the PC version of Vice City, and while the graphics improvement is DRAMATIC over the PS2 (check it out in 1280 x 768, baby) with insane draw distance, I do have one complaint, sort of. I’m blowing through the game so insanely fast that I’m going to have it finished by tomorrow, and for one reason: Super-accurate aiming with the mouse. I mean, it’s like night and day compared to the PS2 controller, and notoriously tough missions from the original version (like Guardian Angels, Death Row and Phnom Penh ’86) are so ludicrously easy now that they can be beaten on the first try without breaking a sweat. Maybe it’s just my experience with first-person shooters talking, but nothing requiring taking out large amounts of goons with automatic-reloading weapons is anything more than a minor inconvenience now that I’m free from the PS2 controller, whereas it was a time-consuming pain on the PS2. On the other hand, car handling seems to have been changed more towards simulation rather than arcade, with the cars slipping and sliding all over unless you use a light touch on the controller. I’m not personally into using the keyboard (Logitech Wingman Rumblepad word life, yo) for GTA so maybe it’s different trying to drive with that, but I find driving missions to be the big challenge rather than the shooting missions. The helicopters are WAY easier to use with a PC gamepad, too, since you can use the slider for steering rather than playing with L2 and R2. Your mileage may vary.

– Live (on TSN tape delay) from Philly.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: Christian waits in the ring, with the cage set up. Apparently he thought Austin put him up first, but it was just a misunderstanding involving him holding up one finger backstage. Austin works in his new catchphrase about losing his temper, as the cage raises and RVD joins us. He officially enters himself in the IC battle royale, so Christian volunteers him to take his place against Goldberg later tonight. No dice. Christian tries to suck up the crowd, and Austin gets upset at both of them for trying to rip off his material. Maybe they should have found fresh people for him to feud with BEFORE the career-ending injuries and bout with domestic violence. Just a thought. Kane then interrupts the excitement and also enters himself in the battle royale, causing tension. Hey, remember when they were arguing every other week, depending on when the writers remembered? Austin promises another beer bash, but now Bischoff interrupts and announces that Kane & RVD will be defending their titles tonight…against the Road Warriors.

– RAW tag titles: Kane & RVD v. The Road Warriors. Wow, this is more like Nitro every day. Animal attacks Rob to start, but gets monkey-flipped and can’t even take that bump properly. Hawk comes in with a fistdrop, but gets spinkicked for two. He gets the neckbreaker, but Rob mule kicks him and Kane comes in to clean house. It was apparently the hot tag, because he unleashes the FOUR CLOTHESLINES OF DEATH as the O.L.D. pathetically flop all over the place and move in slow-motion. They dump Kane and Rob tags back in with Rolling Thunder on Hawk for two, but Animal breaks it up and sets up for the Doomsday Device. Hawk misses, looking like an idiot and the champs finish with the usual at 3:10. Well, that “legend” reaction lasted exactly the length of their entrance music, and then reality hit in a big way. DUD Knowing Vince, this match will give them a job, although really I have to question how two people could be this bad and still be allowed to live. I mean, maybe it’s time for a real-life version of Logan’s Run.

– We see the “highlights” from last week’s Cripple Fight, as they somehow condense a soul-sucking eternity down to 30 seconds.

– Meanwhile, HHH chats with Jericho and they reminisce about torn quads and then HHH takes all the credit for Jericho’s World title run (seriously).

– Meanwhile, Goldberg’s limo arrives, but a mysterious white car does a drive-by and tries to run him over. Bret Hart gets revenge! Okay, maybe not.

– Meanwhile, Teddy Long pimps Rodney Mack to Steve Austin, so that he can have a man of color in the I-C battle royale. But instead, it’ll be Booker T. Wait, I thought this was supposed to be all the former I-C champions? Eh, really, what does it matter anymore?

– Double White Boy Challenge: Rodney Mack v. Mike & Ken Phoenix. Perhaps they’ll rise from the ashes once they do the job. Rodney pounds on a jobber, but gets rolled up. He deflects a flying clothesline and finishes the other guy with a cobra sleeper, and the other one with the same at 1:31. The crowd doesn’t care, and yet apparently there’s been three weeks of these things. DUD JR notes that Mack has unlimited potential and he’s rugged. So I guess HE’S what that survey was looking for when we think of “rugged”. And just as a note on the English language, EVERYONE has “unlimited potential”, that’s why it’s POTENTIAL.

– Meanwhile, Bischoff blows off the rambling Freddie Blassie and listens to complaints from Rico. This gives him an inspiration. “What are you gonna do, hang yourself?” asks Blassie. Hee hee.

– Meanwhile, Austin questions Goldberg on his assailant.

– Classy Freddie and his wife join us, but Bischoff interrupts the book plugging and invites 3 Minute Warning into the ring. Austin interrupts and announces that the Dudleys are unsuspended. The crowd isn’t exactly electrified by the prospect of this feud.

– The Dudley Boyz v. 3 Minute Warning. Big brawl to start and Bubba dumps Rosie, and then Rico, and they look to finish Jamal (with the blessing of Blassie). Rico goes through the table, and I guess it wasn’t a match. Beer is drank. So we basically got weeks of Morley suspending the Dudleyz off and on for no real reason, and then Morley himself gets fired and the Hand of Austin interjects itself and un-suspends them with no explanation to end the storyline and they’re back to doing the same stuff they’ve been doing for years now. Okay then.

– Cage match: Goldberg v. Christian. Goldberg pulls him off the cage and pounds on him with knees to start, and a suplex, which I am informed is the Antonio Driver. Christian climbs away again, but gets pulled off and kicked down. He accuses him of being the driver and then powerslams him. Geez, bad enough you’re beating him up, don’t slander the poor guy, too. Besides, it seems to be an obvious setup for the inevitable HHH-Goldberg feud. Christian goes low to come back and uses the chair to pound him down for two. More chairshots and choking. Christian tries to climb, but gets pulled in again, so he uses the chair to put Goldberg down again. Midcard neckbreaker sets up a spear attempt that misses by a mile, and Goldberg makes the comeback. Why does Goldberg have to make a comeback against CHRISTIAN? Goldberg pounds him down as Christian blades, and then tosses him into the cage a few times and powerslams him. Spear and jackhammer finish at 6:47. 6 minutes ago they were talking about how you had to escape to win, but whatever. Another classic from Goldberg, as they had to stretch his match out to 7 minutes by having him sell offense from a curtain jerker. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Flair lets Austin know that HHH actually runs RAW. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. Hurricane interrupts and Austin makes a match between them.

– Hurricane v. Ric Flair. They start in the back right away and fight to ringside via the announce table, and into the ring. Flair stomps him down and gets his pants yanked down as a result, so Hurricane comes back with the clothesline and a backdrop out of the corner. He goes up with the flying bodypress for two, but Flair goes to the eyes and goes up. You know how THAT ends. The Hurrichokeslam is blocked with a low blow, but another try hits and the crowd turns on Hurricane. Shining Wizard gets two. Flair clips him as the crowd desperately wants to cheer Flair, and starts working on the leg with the classics. Figure-four finishes at 4:35. FLAIR WINS! FLAIR WINS! The poor guy gets so little to celebrate these days, and then HHH makes sure to add a Pedigree and steal the thunder. ** I’m seriously beginning to wonder if HHH thinks he’s getting or GIVING the rub when he associates his every move with Flair these days. I mean, seriously, maybe his mindset is that Flair is old and feeble and unable to get over on his own anymore, and thus he’s doing him a favor by being attached at the hip with him.

– Test, Scott Steiner & Goldust v. La Resistance & Chris Nowinski. So many gay jokes, so little time. Well, at least I’m reasonably convinced that Test is hetero. Apparently Team Roid Rage v. Team Green As Frogs has been added to the PPV. Lucky us. Test attacks Dupree to start and throws some clotheslines, and Goldust comes in and works Nowinski’s arm. Atomic drop and a lariat get two. Grenier comes in and gets nowhere, as Steiner hammers away in the corner and drops an elbow for two. The faces pound away , but a cheapshot turns the tide and Test is YOUR face in peril. He hits the post and Nowinski mocks Steiner’s elbowdrop, but misses and Steiner gets the lukewarm tag. Suplexes are thrown and it’s BONZO GONZO, leaving Steiner and Nowinski, and Steiner finishes with the inverted DDT at 4:27. The neverending dissention between Test & Steiner is teased again. Nothing special but not as horrible as last week. *

– PPV rundown time, as ANOTHER women’s match is added to the card in the form of a “We have no idea what else to put on there, so let’s throw the entire division into one match” match. And yet Benoit and Rhyno have nothing to do. Figure that one out. There is nothing good on this PPV. The ladder match looks vaguely interesting in the “How are they gonna kill themselves in a desperate attempt to appear hip and edgy again?” vein, but everything else is looking DUD or worse. I may have to alter my rating system for this show…now where’s that fireplace…

– Trish Stratus v. Victoria. Tommy Dreamer joins us, since this is a hardcore match, as Victoria attacks to start but gets headscissored out of the corner. Trish goes for the plunder, but opts for a sunset flip instead that gets two. Trish blows the high kick and then repeats the spot and gets two. Victoria takes her down onto a serving tray, and gets the sideslam for two. Trish bridges back to duck a trashcan lid, which is pretty fucking cool, but gets dropped on her face out of a victory roll attempt. I guess Trish is as jacked for the Matrix as everyone else. Victoria uses a strap and chokes her down. She brings her into the corner for a lynching, but Trish kicks up to escape and tries the rana, which Victoria blocks. Trish manages to complete the move, but Stevie gets involved and pays the price from Dreamer. Trish uses a pair of high kicks and a kendo stick to set up the bulldog for the pin at 4:44. Sloppy and all over the place, but at least the crowd was into it a bit. ѕ*

– Chris Jericho v. Kevin Nash. Ever notice that Nash has almost as many nicknames as he does knee surgeries? Jericho attacks to start and hammers away, but Nash blocks a rollup and forearms him down. AND THE CROWD GOES WILD! Oh, sorry, that was just me cheering because I thought he might have torn his quad again. Backdrop and the deafening roar for Nash continues. 10 minutes later he progresses to throwing a punch, apparently having to plan that strategy for a while, so Jericho goes for the leg. Nash fights back with…wait for it…punches, and a knee that sends Jericho FLYING out of the ring due to the power of BIG SEXY. Or maybe it’s the giant knee brace, who knows? Jericho necksnaps him from the apron and comes back in with whatever, but gets caught and tossed down by Nash. According to JR, if Nash was a boxer, he’d be a puncher. Well, I should hope so, because those kickers don’t fare too well in boxing. Jericho clips him and starts working on the leg, but gets sent into the post and bails. Nash’s whole moveset seems to be reduced to reacting to other people these days. Jericho wraps the leg around the post and stays on it, as the crowd is in AWED SILENCE of Nash’s noble comeback from the leg surgery. Kev gets a sideslam and the crowd boos him. This is too precious. Jericho goes for the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, but gets rammed into the corner. Another try from the top is turned into another sideslam. See what I mean about Nash being all reaction and no offense? Jericho tries a bulldog and the Lionsault gets two. Nash makes the comeback, so Team HHH and Shawn Michaels all run in for the Sports Entertainment Finish at 7:00 or so before he can be embarrassed by the total lack of crowd reaction. Nash makes sure to powerbomb Jericho and pin him with one foot, however, with Michaels making the count. Somehow I’m not surprised. Nash is so beyond bad now that even the WWE idiot suits have to realize it. Ѕ*

The Bottom Line:

Another brutal RAW in a seemingly unending string of them leading to a PPV that no one is going to buy and featuring matches that no one wants to see. Goldberg isn’t even on the show and he’s supposed to be the big draw right now. None of the matches this week even approached good, with MAYBE Hurricane-Flair being the winner in the “guilty pleasure” category, but I seriously don’t know how they can throw these shows out there and expect people to continue paying for the product, especially with split PPVs starting next month. Prepare yourself – the worst is likely yet to come.