The SmarKdown Rant – April 3 2003

The SmarKdown Rant – April 3 2003

– Between
Def Jam Vendetta,
The Beatles Anthology, and
Friends – The Complete Third Season, I may not have time to move from the couch this weekend. I’ll keep you updated. Reviews of all three are forthcoming, of course. DJV in particular took precedence over Smackdown, which is why this wasn’t up by the usual “hour before the US feed ends” time. I’m telling you right now, this is going to be THE wrestling game that all others are judged against, Smackdown included. The only thing hurting it is the lack of Create-A-Wrestler, but the engine is just SO deep and so insanely enjoyable, implementing all the little things like specific body part damage and ebb-and-flow and finishers so crazy that you’ll hurt your neck just watching them. If the rappers are scaring you off, get a grip and pick it up. Imagine No Mercy with smoother textures and gameplay at a speed closer to Smackdown: SYM. Believe the hype. Now if only AKI had teamed up with Acclaim for Legends of Wrestling…

– The book reviews continue to pour in, and we’re even going haut couture with one: http://www.queensjournal.ca/article.php?point=vol130/issue40/arts/story7 You’ll feel more educated just visiting the website. Of course, you can order from Amazon, but hurry, because there’s only a few copies left in stock at the moment. Work will officially begin on “Attitude Problem: The Death of the World Wrestling Federation” this weekend, so make sure that you’ve read the first book in the series and feel free to tell me what you want to see (or don’t want to see) in the new book! Remember, I’m doing this for YOU. Preference will be of course be given to the opinions of people who forward me proof of purchase on Amazon or another online retailer. Everyone seems to love the sidebars, reaction is mixed to the match reviews, and who doesn’t love the accompanying photos, done by my personal photographer, Darren Smith? If you’re looking for a fast, easy read with tons of jokes about HHH and absolutely no diplomatic answers to any of the tough questions, check out “Tonight…In This Very Ring” at your local bookstore today!

– Taped from Spokane, WA, which is where most of western Canada gets its US network feeds from. Nothing like listening to promos for local news about high school basketball scores and how the Gonzaga Bulldogs did! But then I’m from a province where the primary commercials are for herbicides and wheat-growing products, so who am I to talk?

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz. What is WITH the George Michael goatee on Cole, by the way?

– And yes, after a thrilling Wrestlemania (35-40% less thrilling than last year, according to early buyrate estimates), let’s amp up the thrill-ride with Stephanie! We get yet another “the show must go on” rah-rah speech as the incredibly serious injuries of both Kurt Angle & Brock Lesnar are basically brushed off in favor of hype for a tournament for the #1 contendership at Backlash. What a caring boss.

– Quarterfinal match: Rey Mysterio v. The Undertaker. Suspense obviously isn’t their forte this week. Rey dodges UT to start, and gets tossed around until he tries attacking the knee. Undertaker bails, but gets a big boot on the way back in and a corner clothesline follows. Rey fights up, but gets slugged down. Back up again, and he reverses a chokeslam attempt into a sloppy tornado DDT, knocking the doo rag off! That means war. 619 gets two as UT casually kicks out of Rey’s big move, and then the West Coast Pop is even more casually blocked and turned into the Last Ride at 3:23. But hey, he might have squashed Mysterio and killed his two big finishers, but he shakes his hand afterwards, thus giving him that Jeff Hardy rub and probably propelling him to the top of the card in the process. Just like Jeff. Yup. He’s my hero. Besides being a squash, it was booked to have Rey trying to use punches to fight back, which is totally out of character for him and totally not believable. Gotta preserve that WWE Main Event Style, I guess, but this did nothing for anyone and I continue to question who’s booking this crap and why. Ѕ*

– Elsewhere, Vince arrives, looking for Hogan. He asks a security guard to inform him the minute that Hogan arrives, but sadly we never hear from the guard again and I’m left twisting in the win, wondering helplessly as to whether or not the guard fulfilled his promise to Mr. McMahon. WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME SO?

– Brian Kendrick v. Jamie Noble. Matt & Shannon are on color, shilling the book at the same time. It takes a pretty shameless media whore to try to sell his book in the middle of a wrestling show. Luckily, I’m above such cheap tactics. Noble pounds Kendrick down to start and stomps away in the corner, but Kendrick dropkicks him out and follows with a dive. Back in, Kendrick gets a bodypress for two. Noble tries a german suplex, but Kendrick lands on his feet, only to walk into a powerslam. Noble goes up and sunset flips him for two. Kendrick slugs back, but Nidia pulls him out. Noble hits his precious flower by mistake, however, and the now-officially-named Sliced Bread #2 finishes at 2:33. Too short to be anything. Ѕ* Matt Hardy then shocks the world by issuing another challenge to Brock Lesnar. Champion v. Champion! Somehow I don’t think Brock could make the weight for Cruiserweight champion…

– Another FBI promo that’s apparently produced by the same people who make car commercials, this time dealing with grand theft auto. The crime, not the game.

– Brock-Angle highlights. To further show the sensitivity of the company, they show the botched Shooting Star Press from several angles in slow motion.

– Quarterfinal match: Chris Benoit v. A-Train. Benoit can’t take him down, and Train knees him on the mat. A weak knee follows, but Benoit takes him down with a crossface and they fight over that, with Train powering out and Benoit putting him back in it. Train rolls into an elevated camel clutch that turns into a rather contrived “flip him over onto his head”, and he should probably bronze the tape of this show because that’s the coolest spot he’ll ever be a part of in his career and he has Benoit to thank. Benoit bails, and Train gets two back in the ring. He works the neck and pounds away in the corner, and hits the chinlock. Benoit fights back, but gets tossed. He tries a sunset flip back in, but gets guillotined. Choking follows. Benoit fights back, but Train keeps shrugging him off and slugging him down. Benoit should get Humanitarian of the Year for giving Train all this offense. Train blocks a suplex, but misses a charge and Benoit gets the rolling germans, drawing the crowd into the comeback. Diving headbutt gets two. Train comes back with his bicycle kick, but Benoit fights into another crossface and holds on for the submission at 6:55. They’re still booking A-Train like an unstoppable monster, but the fans don’t buy it and you’re getting this weird clash of philosophies between the bookers and the crowds as a result. It’s like when WCW booked Meng as the no-selling killer and the crowds just viewed him as another jobber, and the result was matches where he’d get tons of offense and it would all bore the crowd because no one believed he had a hope in hell of winning anyway. Same deal here. Amazingly, Benoit just kept selling and selling until the crowd got into it and a good match resulted. **1/4

– Elsewhere, Vince tells Steph that Hogan is in trouble tonight.

– Sean O’Haire tells us about breaking the rules. Apparently, it’s good. Man, they’re not even trying with these things anymore. If Vince had balls he’d produce one with O’Haire advocating distribution of steroids as long as you’ve got a good lawyer.

– Quarterfinal match: John Cena v. Eddie Guerrero. Cena attacks to start and stomps away in the corner. Delayed suplex gets two. Cena grabs a bearhug, and holds it until Eddie escapes with a belly-to-belly suplex that gets two. Back to the bearhug, and Eddie fights out. Cena misses a charge and Eddie forearms him down and gets a pair of clotheslines. Rolling vertical suplexes get two. To the top, where a nice missile dropkick gets two. Cena goes for the DVD, but Eddie blocks, so Cena drops him with an electric chair instead. Eddie dropkicks him and grabs Cena’s trusty chain, but the ref prevents anything from coming of that. Eddie gets a backdrop suplex and goes up, but misses the frog splash. He tries a rana instead, but walks into the DVD for the pin at 4:52. Now, if they put Cena over Undertaker bigger than Jesus and Hogan combined, they’ve got something. If they do what I suspect they’ll do, with Taker getting all the offense and doing the cheap job because of FBI interference, they’re screwed. **

– Elsewhere, Hogan and his cronies arrive. Kind of sad that he’s gone from being backed up by Hall and Nash to Jimmy Hart and Nasty Nick.

– Torrie joins us to celebrate her Playboy layout. The fact that someone in Creative would come up with an idea that insipid for a segment in the first place is bad enough, but then it gets worse when she’s interrupted by Sable, returning from B-movie hell at 14:59 of her 15 minutes. And looking not a day over 75, I might add. Time’s ravages have not been kind to her. She gives another brainless interview in the only voice screechier than Stephanie’s as I and millions of others struggle to remember why she was ever on TV in the first place. And then she kisses Torrie, because by god Vince will get a lesbian storyline on network TV if he has to take the entire promotion down with him. Seriously, there’s hookers here in Edmonton hanging around 118th avenue on the weekends, I assure you they have a higher sense of morality, will work cheaper, and don’t look nearly as beat up as Mrs. Mero does. Vince should just recruit them instead of desperately turning to ratings draws from FIVE YEARS AGO and putting them in storylines so stupid that the WB wouldn’t even base a sitcom around them. Or hey, if you’re gonna hire broken-down, drug-addicted, aging, overweight whores, there’s always Tam…nah, wouldn’t want to give them any ideas.

– Team Angle v. Funaki & Tajiri. Hey, wrestlers wrestling, what a crazy concept. The champs get smart and go on the attack to start, but Tajiri kicks Benjamin from behind and the Japanese faction clobbers him. Funaki holds both champs off, but Benjamin pounds him down and Team Angle double-teams with an elbow. Haas wants Tajiri, though. Tajiri gets a leg lariat for two, and chops away, then kicks the shit out of both heels. Shenanigans turn the tide, however, and Haas gets a backdrop suplex for two. Overhead suplex sets up the leapfrog choke for two. Benjamin goes to a Boston crab, but Tajiri comes back with a handspring on both and makes the hot tag. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as Funaki goes BACKDROP CRAZY and crossbodies Haas for two. Tarantula on Benjamin and Funaki sets up for his tornado DDT on Haas, but he blocks and finishes Funaki with the Haas of Pain at 5:10. Fun little match! **1/4

– Elsewhere, Cena raps about the Undertaker. For those keeping score, the show stops being worth watching at this point.

– Elsewhere, the FBI has a sit-down with Undertaker in a segment so brutally acted that I want to put a hit on whoever wrote it, capice? Undertaker talks the big talk, and then brings in Nathan Jones as his muscle. I’m shocked he didn’t hurt someone just standing there. Can YOU guess the finish to Undertaker-Cena yet?

– Big Show v. Rhyno. Remember when these two were curtain-jerking RAW for the hardcore title in 2001? Rhyno slugs away to start, but Show overpowers him. Rhyno slugs back again and gets nowhere. Show chokes him out and headbutts him down, moving about as slow as is possible without having an overzealous Scandinavian explorer run in and claim you as the newest iceberg of the Pacific Ocean. Hiptoss and more choking follows. Sideslam gets two. Snake Eye is escaped by Rhyno, but Show keeps tossing him around. Man, they sure know how to book returning monsters, don’t they? Nothing gets guys over more than acting as punching bags for Big Show while looking like a midget in a promotion where size is everything. Show misses a charge and Rhyno gets his one piece of offense for the match – the GORE GORE GORE – but A-Train runs in for the retarded DQ at 4:13. They attack Rhyno afterwards and leave him laying with a legdrop. I can see people running to buy Rhyno t-shirts as we speak. -*

– Main Event Interview: Yes, Wrestlemania may be over, but EgoMania continues to run wild, as Vince makes himself the featured interview again. He wants Hogan out here, NOW. Hulk complies and they launch into the most mind-numbingly dull and boring tete-a-tete interview I’ve heard in weeks, with the big spot being a tease of a handshake between them. Apparently, Vince just wants to turn the clock back 20 years and start over. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. After dramatic twists and turns and swerve after swerve about whether they’ll shake hands, they DO. WOW. Holy shit. Call the neighbors. BUT WAIT. One more swerve awaits, as Vince was LYING. I bet Sean O’Haire made him do it. Instead of being friends, Vince sends Hulk home and decides to pay him to stay there. You know, when you start unconsciously writing storylines that imitate the fall of WCW while in the midst of the business equivalent of a flushing toilet, maybe that’s God trying to TELL YOU SOMETHING. The tension continues as Vince goads Hogan into following him into the parking lot, where a limo awaits to take him away. “Dad, just get in!” Nasty Nick whines, as though terrified at the prospect of Vince following through on his threat of beating up Hogan. I’d just yell “Look, it’s the federal government!” and run the other way. Hogan of course leaves without a fight, like all the great babyfaces do.

The Bottom Line:

Def Jam Vendetta kicks serious ass.

Just wanted to mention that again.

This show didn’t so much kick ass as provide some decent wrestling for the first 90 minutes before dropping a three-coiler in the last half hour. I bet Willie the Worker will write another outraged letter over this. Unless he was on the show.

Until next week, BUY THE BOOK.