The SmarKdown Rant – August 21 2003

The SmarKdown Rant – August 21, 2003

– Well, I’m now 9 days away from my 29th birthday, and I’ve come to an important decision. I’ve decided that this will be my last birthday. The way I see it, after this one, should my friends and I decide to have a yearly gathering where presents are exchanged (in one direction, mainly) to celebrate what a cool guy I am, that will be acceptable, but it will in no way reflect any sort of change in age or marking of the passage of time. I’m also thinking of burning my ID, just in case the universe gets any funny ideas. So if you’d like to help celebrate my final birthday, why not buy something off my wishlist? Or better yet, if you work for a movie studio’s PR department and can clue me in on how to get review copies of new DVD releases so I can cover more stuff without killing my bank account, get in touch.

– Taped from Detroit, MI.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Opening interview: Kurt Angle is very, very disappointed in Brock Lesnar. But he doesn’t have an elaborate revenge plan – he can fight his own battles. And he wants a fight…TONIGHT. So Vince comes out to reply. No fights tonight, and if Angle comes near either him or Brock before Summerslam, he’ll be suspended. But tonight, he can have Big Show, which prompts Angle to attack Show until the Usual Gang of Idiots pulls him off.

– Elsewhere, Vince makes their match into falls-count-anywhere.

– Rey Mysterio v. Matt Hardy. Matt Facts: He’s never lost his cellphone, and his pants are hipper than Rey’s. Close call, admittedly. Matt takes him down with a knucklelock to start and gets two, but Rey kips up into a headscissors and gets a seated dropkick for two. Kidman disposes of Moore, but Matt goes to the eyes while that’s going on and takes over with some stomps. Rey comes back and tosses Matt, and follows with a springboard plancha. Back in, Matt clocks him to block the West Coast Pop, but Kidman again fends off Shannon Moore, and this time gets tossed by the ref for his troubles. And we take a break. We return with Rey getting sent into the post by Matt, and he goes to work on the shoulder. Hammerlock slam and elbow gets two. Side Effect gets two. Rey reverses a shoulderbreaker into a DDT, and both are out. Rey makes the comeback, but falls victim to a reverse variation of the Side Effect for two. They head up top and Matt falls down first, and Rey gets a moonsault press for two. Shannon charges in and Rey sets him up for a 619, but Matt cuts it off with a lariat. But Zach Gowen runs in and trips Matt up, and the 619 and West Coast Pop finish at 12:07. Real good opener. *** Although why they wasted time setting up a match that was going to be cancelled later is beyond me.

– Elsewhere, Brock vows to break Zach’s leg tonight. Maybe he just wants to wish him REALLY good luck?

– For god knows what reason we get a video package of the epic Steph v. A-Train match last week. NO ONE CARES ABOUT STEPHANIE.

– Michael Cole interviews Zach Gowen’s mom at ringside. She’s worried about him.

– Billy Gunn & Jamie Noble v. The Basham Brothers. Big brawl outside to start as Tazz swipes my “Jamie’s Got a Gunn” joke, and Billy pounds on Doug inside to start the match. Billy whips him around, but misses his big charge and gets laid out with a lariat. Danny comes in for the double-team and a flapjack, which gets two. Doug pounds him down for two. He puts him down with a couple of crossfaces, and Danny comes in and misses a charge. Billy cleans house and makes the hot(tish) tag to Noble. Backdrop suplex for Doug, and a neckbreaker on Danny gets two. He goes up with a flying elbow for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Noble & Danny are left alone, as Noble rolls him up and Shaniqua pulls him out. She stops to clothesline both Torrie and Nidia, but the Bashams switch off and one of them pins Noble at 4:30. Really confusing finish with bad camerawork. * Final “Amazon” count for Shaniqua: 3 this week.

– The Real Brock Lesnar v. Zach Gowen. Brock stops to have words with Mom Gowen before the slaughter commences, but she won’t even shake his hand. Zach attacks the helpless Lesnar from behind with a tope, but gets laid out by Brock. Brock again demonstrates sportsmanship and class by chatting with Zach’s mom, but now Zach uses his artificial leg to attack and gets posted for his trouble. What a bully that Gowen is. Into the ring to start the match, as Brock defends himself from the merciless Gowen and stomps him down, then gets a double powerbomb. No jury in the world would convict him. Brock sends Gowen out to give him a chance to recover, and offers him a chair to relax and catch his breath. Zach’s head accidentally collides with it, however, and Brock is unjustly DQ’d at 2:03. DUD Gowen should be fined and suspended for his heinous mistreatment of a great athlete like Lesnar. Brock teaches him a lesson in sportsmanship by F5’ing him into the post twice (neither of which we actually see for some reason). I’m sure Zach will go home and think hard about his behavior now. It’s called TOUGH LOVE. In fact, on the way back I heard Gowen yell something about Brock’s mother from his comfy spot on a stretcher, so Brock knocks him off it. I hope Brock sues for defamation of character, too.

– Michael Cole talks about how he’s usually supposed to be objective, and then goes on his usual “Heel of the week is a bad person” rant for actually trying to win a match.

– John Cena & A-Train v. Undertaker & Orlando Jordan. UT takes Cena down to start and pounds on the ribs, but charges Cena and ends up on the floor. Back in, Taker necksnaps him and gets the ROPEWALK OF DOOM, for two. Jordan comes in with a rollup for two. Cena lets A-Train have a go, and he psyches Jordan out and then clubs him from behind. Blind charge misses and Jordan gets a DDT and makes what I guess is the hot tag to Taker. Snake Eyes for Cena and a big boot, and Taker hits both heels with corner clotheslines. Dragon Sleeper on Cena, and Jordan prevents Train from using a chair, but gets Mehshugganted. Train gets chokeslammed and Cena gets a spinebuster for two. Cena grabs the chair, but Taker goes for the Last Ride, which Train breaks up with Cena’s chain, and Cena falls on top for the pin at 4:31. This was all about setting up Taker v. Train. ѕ*

– Elsewhere, Sable puts the moves on A-Train as thanks for killing Steph last week.

– Eddie Guerrero & Rhyno v. Tajiri & Chris Benoit. Eddie’s got the crazy hydraulics on the Impala this week. Benoit offers a handshake and then takes Eddie down with a dragon-screw to start. Eddie comes back with chops, but gets backdropped and press-slammed. Benoit returns the chops, but Eddie gets a cheapshot from behind the ref and brings him to the heel corner for some abuse from Rhyno. Backbreaker and a falling headbutt get two. Benoit takes him down with a crossface, but Eddie breaks it up. Back to the corner, and Eddie hits the chinlock and goes into the rolling suplexes. Eddie goes up and gets superplexed as a result. Hot tag Tajiri and he gets a handspring on Rhyno and a rana on Eddie to set up a back kick. Rhyno runs into the Tarantula, while Benoit hits the flying headbutt on Eddie. Tajiri kicks him by accident, however, and the GOAR finishes Tajiri at 5:03. Good action while it lasted. **1/2 Eddie lays out Benoit with the belt afterwards. And then Rhyno, you know, just in case. And Tajiri goes without saying.

– Kurt Angle v. Big Show. They brawl on the floor right away and Angle gets tossed into the post. Into the ring, Show pounds him and slams him on a table. Legdrop gets two. Show chops him and tosses him around like the proverbial ragdoll, and more chops. Show charges at a table, but gets it thrown back at him, and Angle gets a quick Angle Slam. That gets two. Show comes back with a boot that sends Angle to the floor. Back in, Show chairs Angle and sets up for a powerbomb through the table, but Angle blocks it, grabs a chair, and nails Show for two. Angle chairs him out of the ring and they brawl on the floor, and Angle gets dropped on the railing. Show drags the steps into position, but Angle uses the dreaded NUT-CLAW to slow him down. Show recovers and sets him up, but Angle dives off the steps and uses the momentum to push Show into the post. Show again sets up for the chokeslam, but now Angle reverses to an anklelock on the floor. Show walks himself up the steps to take the angle away from Angle, and finally pushes off. Angle bulldogs him on the stairs and grabs another chair, then legdrops it onto Show, who is laying prone on the table. That gets two. Geez, if legdropping a guy through a table can’t finish a guy, what hope for the world is there? Back into the ring, Show tries another chokeslam, but gets Angle Slammed through the table, and THAT is enough to finish at 9:35. Fun and creative brawl. **1/2 The Real Brock Lesnar comes out for the staredown to end the show.

The Bottom Line:

This was supposed to be the “hardest of hard sells” show for Summerslam, but it didn’t even really do a convincing job of that. There’s just nothing on the show that really screams “must see match”, and they’ve all had lousy buildup, most of all on the RAW side of things.

Hoping once again for Brock & Angle to save the show, I guess, since Haas & Benjamin aren’t even booked. But hey, Shane v. Bischoff. That’s MONEY.