The SmarKdown Rant – December 4 2003

The SmarKdown Rant – December 4, 2003

– Taped from San Jose, CA.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Brock joins us and lets us know that he can beat up anyone in the audience, so there shall be no more chanting about his tapping. He recaps last week and that’s about it.

– Opening match: The Basham Brothers v. Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi. This is non-title. Danny attacks Rikishi to start and pounds him in the corner, then blocks a suplex, but walks into a samoan drop that turns into a buttdrop. Doug comes in and gets clotheslined off a hiptoss attempt, and Rikishi legdrops him on a double-team with Scotty, which gets two. Scotty forearms Danny down and sends him to the floor, but Shaniqua pulls Scotty off the apron, resulting in her getting tossed by the ref. Back in the ring, Doug drops an elbow out of the corner for two. Danny comes in with a CLUBBING FOREARM and an abdominal stretch. Scotty fights out and makes the tag to Rikishi, who clotheslines Danny and DDTs Doug. CHEEKS OF FIRE sets up the Stinkface, but Shaniqua distracts the ref and the Bashams switch. Danny goes low on Rikishi to stop the ass licking action, but Scotty takes him down and Worms him. Rikishi recovers from the low blow and gets a samoan drop on Danny for the pin at 5:32. This was a mess. * Shaniqua dumps them afterwards. Scotty & Rikishi are fine for opening match comedy guys on house shows, but positioning them as serious challengers is a waste of time.

– Elsewhere, Paul Heyman gets new assistant Dawn Marie to send a memo to Bob Holly – the suspension is still on! He’s tough but fair.

– Paul Heyman joins us with Matt Morgan and Nathan Jones, and calls out Shannon Moore. He’s impressed by Shannon’s tolerance for pain and agony, so tonight Shannon gets Big Show.

– Big Show v. Shannon Moore. Shannon tries to dive, but gets caught and tossed into the post. Into the ring, Moore tries fighting him off, but gets clotheslined. Show pounds him in the corner and hiptosses him off the top, and legdrops him to set up the chokeslam at 1:46. Total number of title defenses by US champion Big Show to date: Zero. This was non-title. DUD

– Elsewhere, Jamie Noble tries to put his foot down, finally talking Nidia into staying, but then he has an idea.

– Jamie Noble v. Sakoda. “Sakoda” is on the graphic, so that’s the final spelling of it, I’d assume. Noble pounds on Sakoda and gets a cradle for two. Backslide gets two. Sakoda gets a cheapshot and pounds on him, but misses a charge and Noble goes to work on the arm. Sakoda clotheslines out of that and stomps away, then runs Noble into the corner. Backbreaker gets two. Noble comes back with a knee to the face, and they reverse until Sakoda ends up on the floor, allowing Noble to hit him with a tope suicida. Noble throws Nidia into the ring and shoves her into Sakoda, then gets a rollup for the pin at 3:04. Eh. ѕ* Well, that’s a unique foreign object. Noble then lies to her afterwards, telling her that it was Tajiri. I think I saw that on Cops one week. Michael Cole is SHOCKED at Noble’s actions. Geez, he just used his blind girlfriend to win a match and then lied about it to her face afterwards, chill out. I mean, if he had whored her out to a herpes sufferer support group and videotaped her being gang-banged by a 150 STD-infected guys in order to put it up for sale on Ebay, used the money he got from it to buy crack, and then robbed a liquor store while high using her as a human shield, THEN he’d have a case.

– John Cena v. Chris Benoit. Winner gets Brock in the main event. Benoit hammers away in the corner and elbows him down, and a snap suplex gets two. A really nasty chop in the corner follows, but Cena uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS to bring him down, and a clothesline gets two. Fistdrop gets two. Benoit comes back with chops, but Cena suplexes him for two. Cena grabs a hold on the mat, but Benoit headbutts out of it , only to walk into a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER. That gets two for Cena. Benoit cradles for two, but Cena clotheslines him down again for two. Cena’s acting a bit heelish. He tosses Benoit into the corner and stomps away, setting up a delayed vertical suplex for two. Benoit comes back with the rolling germans and Benoit lets him down that Cena can’t see him, either. He goes up but whiffs on the flying headbutt. Benoit tries more chops, but Cena F-Us him for the pin at 5:35. However, controversy strikes, as Benoit’s foot was on the ropes. Another ref comes out to show the replay, so Nick Patrick restarts the match. We take a break as I stop to wonder when the hell we’ve ever had instant replay before.

– John Cena v. Chris Benoit, part II. We return with Benoit getting a northern lights suplex, and working on the arm. Hammerlocked northern lights suplex and he works on it in the corner, adding some chops for fun. Short-arm clothesline gets two. Cena fights back, but Benoit drops an elbow on his shoulder, twice. Benoit sends him to the floor and tosses him back in, for two. He puts him in a standing armbar, but Cena knees out. Benoit charges out of the corner but eats knee, and Cena gets the Throwback for two. Benoit comes back with a Sharpshooter, but Cena makes the ropes. Benoit goes for the crossface, but Cena gets a desperation F-U out of nowhere. Big Show waddles in before he can capitalize, distracting Cena long enough for Cena to get crossfaced and tap at 6:04. Didn’t like the false pinfall in the middle, but it was a solid carry job by Benoit, and the finish was relatively clean. ***

– Elsewhere, Eddie is pumped to help Chavo, but Chavo still blames him and wants him to stay in the back. Eddie suspects something is going on. New theory from 411 writer Matt Biscuiti: Chavo (the character) is on drugs. It would be pretty crass and hypocritical to make an angle out of their very real painkiller problems, but it does fit the facts.

– Shelton Benjamin v. Chavo Guerrero. Eddie defies orders and rolls out in the lowrider anyway. This allows Shelton to attack Chavo in the corner, but he fights back. Spinning headscissors and Chavo pounds away in the corner with forearms while Eddie watches from a lawnchair at ringside and reads a magazine. The beer hat makes the outfit. Chavo alley-oops Benjamin and blows out his knee, allowing Benjamin to go after it. Kneecrusher and spinning toehold follow. Chavo fights back out of the corner with a clothesline, and an atomic drop and dropkick. That gets two. Tornado DDT and Eddie sneaks in with a frog splash, giving Chavo the pin at 3:34. Seemed longer than that. **1/4

– Elsewhere, the FBI take bets on the main event. A-Train puts $10,000 on Benoit. Let me guess, he loses that money on the match and then we get another six months of Benoit v. A-Train as a result.

– Smackdown World title: Brock Lesnar v. Chris Benoit. Brock goes after him in the corner and suplexes him to start. He stomps away and chokes him out, but Benoit fires back. Brock misses a charge and Benoit takes him down with armdrags and clotheslines him to the floor. Brock wins that battle, but gets sent into the post, and they head back in for a quick crossface. Brock quickly escapes and bails, but Benoit stalks him. Back in, Brock gets a hotshot to slow him down and goes to the shoulder. Delayed fisherman’s suplex gets two. Brock tosses him and presses him onto the announce table. Back in, he gets two. Suplex and Brock goes to the chinlock with the hooks in. Benoit escapes, but Brock powerslams him for two. We take a break. Back with Benoit in another chinlock, but he fights out. He charges and gets sent to the floor, however. Brock sends him into the stairs, but Benoit pulls him out and fights back on him. Brock gets some of his own stair-laced medicine, and it’s bitter-tasting. BITTER! I mean, have you ever bitten down on tinfoil? It’s like THAT. But WORSE. Back in, Benoit stomps away, but walks into an elbow. Brock gets a german suplex, but Benoit comes back and they slug it out. Brock misses a charge and hits the post, allowing Benoit to haul off with the rolling germans. Shoulderblock and Benoit goes up (don’t remember him using a shoulder tackle as a transition before) and actually hits the diving headbutt this time. That gets two. And now Benoit’s pissed. Crossface, but he can’t get Brock down. Another try, but Brock overpowers him out of it, knocking the ref out in the process. Benoit rolls with it and locks it in, as Brock taps, but there’s no ref. Brock catches him with the F5, which gets two. The crowd is visibly going nuts for Benoit at this point, for those who persist in insisting that he can’t get a reaction. Brock grabs a chair now and pounds Benoit’s knee with it, and applies his crazy kneebar around the neck, then sits on him in a half-crab at the same time. I’m informed it’s called a Stretch Muffler. Holy CRAP does that look painful, whatever it is. The ref stops the match at 18:21, as Benoit blacks out. As expected, Benoit got a good showing out of Brock. ***1/2

The Bottom Line: More Benoit = More entertainment for me, and my entertainment is the important thing. First hour was nothing, but everything from Benoit-Cena onwards was great and well worth your time. Although I don’t see how setting up Cena v. Show, Benoit v. Train and Lesnar v. Holly as the big feuds for the next few months is gonna produce, you know, good matches.