The SmarKdown Rant – October 17 2002

The SmarKdown Rant – October 17, 2002

– Taped from the Centre of the Universe.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Opening match, tag team tournament semi-finals: Edge & Rey Mysterio v. Ron Simmons & D-Von. Simmons overpowers Edge, but gets forearmed. D-Von comes in and gets flapjacked, which sets up Rey’s Bombs Away and a seated dropkick. Simmons gives Edge a cheapshot, and hits Rey with a Main Event Spinebuster to turn the tide. D-Von presses Rey, but misses an elbow by a mile. Hot tag Edge, and he it’s the proverbial Chinese fire drill as Edge cleans house. Edge-O-Matic gets two on D-Von, and Rey hits Simmons with a pescado. Edge spears D-Von in the corner and they head up, as Edge alley-oops Rey into a rana from the top for two. Good stuff. Ron powerslams Edge, but gets dumped, and D-Von feels the POWAH of the 619. West Coast Pop is blocked by Simmons, but Edge spears him. Implant DDT finishes D-Von at 4:37. This was pretty by the numbers, and Edge & Rey are obviously being set up as the fall guys in the finals. *1/2 The Guerreros, thinking ahead, run in and destroy the faces in preparation for their possible match in the finals.

– Elsewhere, Funaki interviews Tajiri about being the referee for the Nidia-Noble match tonight. Noble & Nidia get involved and end up making innuendoes at each other, until it turns into a pull-apart Jerry Springer brawl.

– By the way, to SHUT UP the Scotsman (although that seems like a pipe dream at best), here’s my two (and only) Jerry Springer rants from early 1998:

Show #1

Segment #1: Prostitute v. Pimp!
Setup: Bitch Ass Ho is unhappy in her relationship with Buckwheat the Pimp, because she gives him all her money and he treats her like dirt and then goes off for vacations for days, leaving her with no food. Broomhead the Pimp is once again laying claim to his property, which enrages Buckwheat. Broomhead’s skanky girlfriend Horseface is also involved in this somehow.
Fights: Buckwheat v. Broomhead, Bitch Ass Ho v. Horseface.
Notable moments: Wicked chairshot from Buckwheat on Broomhead in a later segment, which stuns the entire audience.
Good lines: None un-bleeped. Damn.
Synopsis: I would pay good money to watch this one uncut and uncensored. There was a HELL of an argument going on between the pimps and the ho, and the bleeping ruined it. Despite that, terrific energy from everyone, some intense fighting, and lots to laugh at with the goofy haired pimps and the ho who’s more of a man than either one. Top flight stuff. ***1/2
Segment #2: Mom, I’m a whore!
Setup: Skank and Skankier are confronting their friend, Phat Ass Ho, because she’s been ho-ing for 5 years and doesn’t have a real job and they’re sick of her. Mama Ho later comes out for a tearful reunion as Phat Ass Ho confesses her true profession and pledges to quit.
Fights: None.
Notable moments: The chairshot from the two pimps in the previous segment, but nothing from this group.
Good lines: “Don’t go there!” and “And you give people tours and such…” both from Jerry, of course. None from the skanks.
Synopsis: Bleh. Ugly participants, a boring reunion confession segment and a minimum of confrontation. The chairshot from the pimps saves it from DUD-ville, but I can’t give it higher than *
The Bottom Line: Watch this one for the first segment, then switch to the Cartoon Channel.

The Netcop Springer Rant for 03/24/98.
“I’m Having a Bisexual Affair!”
Segment #1.
Setup: Tony has been with his girlfriend for a couple of years, but Tony no longer feels that his needs are being met by her, so he cheats on her with another guy, her best friend Alan. She dumps him. Both guys look ultra-faggy.
Fights: None, but a good slap on Tony.
Great Lines: None to speak of.
Notable moments: Tony dragging out the drama before unveiling Alan.
Comments: Good warmup segment, nothing special. **
Segment #2.
Setup: Jan is dating Russ for two years, but she’s been sleeping with someone else, Ian, who has a major attitude. Jan then announces after some fighting by both guys that she’s sleeping with another woman. The women have a lesbian moment and decide to move in together.
Fights: Russ v. Ian, Russ v. Ian, Russ v. Ian. Third one is a wild, chair smashing brawl.
Great Lines: Ian: “She mentioned some chump.” Then later, the other woman, to Ian: “This guy would turn any woman to another woman.” Ouch.
Notable moments: Major heel heat for Jan at the beginning, then an instant face turn after a nipple-to-nipple lesbian hug. Plus the big brawl between the jilted men.
Comments: Lesbians! Fights! Yeah! ****
Segment #3.
Setup: Tamie is having a baby with her fiancee, Ron. But she’s having an affair with Autumn. Who happens to be her brother’s girlfriend. Her brother Shannon comes out and is shocked to learn the truth. Ron leaves Tamie, but Shannon is mostly disappointed that it’s his sister and thus he can’t join in on threesomes.
Fights: None.
Great Lines: “Once a skank, always a skank” from Ron, and of course Shannon’s lament about incest getting in the way of kinky sex.
Notable moments: The threesome line.
Comments: Pregnant lesbian borderline-incestuous affairs usually make for good TV, but this came off a little flat. Ron was a major wimp, maybe that’s why. **1/2
The Bottom Line: Worth watching for the second segment, where Ian gets dissed to the max. The first and third are good, but not overly exciting.
Speaking of Springer…

– Jamie Noble v. Nidia. Nidia jumps all over him to start, but gets tossed down. He wants to call it a draw, but Nidia rolls him up for two. He wants to inflict some domestic violence, but she rolls him up again for two. Dropkick is swatted aside, so Nidia goes to the eyes. Noble finally pins her at 1:56 to end it. Silly and does nothing for the PPV. They beat down Tajiri afterwards. DUD

– Undertaker admits that he knows whats-her-name, but it was a long time ago and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I don’t care about pregnant wives, mistresses or any of this soap opera crap.

– Elsewhere, the Guerreros encounter Benoit in a dark dressing room. Chris seems suspicious of Eddy’s intentions, smartly letting Eddy do all the talking and dig his own hole. Eddy having a completely one-sided conversation with a silent Benoit is pretty funny stuff. He goes through about 12 different emotional states in 2 minutes while Chavo plays Smithers to his Burns. Eddy deserves an Emmy.

– Kidman v. John Cena. Cena was a great heel at the house show here in Edmonton recently, so this is a good move. They exchange wristlocks to start and get nowhere. Kidman gets a rana and Cena takes a breather in the corner. Cena blocks a rollup, and slingshots Kidman out of the ring. Back in, he gets two. Cena whips Kidman around and gets an elbow for two. Backdrop suplex gets two. Delayed suplex gets two. Cena goes to a surfboard as the crowd gets on him, so Kidman comes back with a dropkick and an elbow for two. Cena DDTs him for two. Kidman counters a powerbomb with a rollup for two. Enzuigiri sets up the Shooting Star Press, but Cena gets up in time. Kidman faceplants him for two. Cena backslides him for the pin at 5:37. Technically sound, but I couldn’t get into it. Again, does nothing for the PPV. This ain’t the show to be throwing heatless matches out there. **

– Elsewhere, Stephanie gives Undertaker’s mistress the boot as Heyman protests the cast on Undertaker’s hand. Who gives a crap about Undertaker and his cast?

– Elsewhere, “Iron” Mike Undertaker rebuts the accusations about his personal life and thinks it’s unfair that he might have to take the cast off before the match. Again, who gives a crap about his cast? He’s so upset that he smashes a lamp. Was it in line for a push or something?

– Brock Lesnar v. Chuck Palumbo. Lesnar pounds him in the corner to start, but gets booted. He hits him with an STO, however, and tosses Chuck around. He posts Chuck and stomps away. Apparently, according to Cole, Steph’s decision on Undertaker’s cast affects the entire WWE. Maybe the cast-wearing portion. Lesnar keeps hitting Palumbo with clotheslines and a suplex for two. Belly to belly sets up the bearhug, and that goes on for a bit. He hangs Chuck in the Tree of Woe and stomps away, but makes the fatal error of charging, allowing Chuck to move. Chuck fights back with his own belly-to-belly and the Jungle Kick, and another one gets two. The ref sliding out to make the count was a nice tip of the hat to Tommy Young. Lesnar gets another belly-to-belly and a lariat to end the rally, and it’s F5 time at 6:28. Kind of a snoozer. * Undertaker makes ANOTHER appearance, beating down Lesnar and a host of referees.

– Elsewhere, Torrie and dad have a heart-to-heart about his involvement with Dawn Marie. She’s just looking out for him.

– Dawn Marie & Matt Hardy v. Torrie & Rikishi. Matt Hardy debuts the BEST ENTRANCE EVER, as a WWE.com search engine loads up his Titan-Tron video, and his graphic lists “Has beaten Undertaker 2 straight times” under his name. Unbelievably funny. Matt tags in, sees Rikishi, and tags out right away. So Dawn starts with Rikishi and gets tossed into Mattitude. Torrie gives her a neckbreaker for two. Dawn gets two in the corner, using the ropes. Torrie gets a slam and Rikishi comes in, but misses a buttdrop. Matt comes in, but gets dominated by Rikishi. Matt hits him with the Side Effect for two. Yodelling legdrop misses, however, and Rikishi hits him with a spinebuster. Rikishi hits both heels with a corner splash, which sets up the Stinkface. Matt smartly sacrifices Dawn for the greater good, and Torrie rolls her up, but Matt pushes them over for the pin at 3:58. Now THAT is strategy. Match was junk, however. ј* Matt gets his Stinkface, however. Again, nothing to do with the PPV. They seem to be banking EVERYTHING on this silly Lesnar-Undertaker feud.

– Elsewhere, Lesnar gets stitched up.

– Elsewhere, it’s more Steph and Heyman, as this interminable storyline drags on through the show.

– Hey, it’s an actual card for the PPV. Only 7 matches, with four of them being from RAW and two of them being women’s matches. No Mattitude anywhere? No (team who doesn’t win the other semi-finals)?

– Elsewhere, Torrie discovers that her dad brought flowers for Dawn Marie instead of her. She finds them in the shower together, and darned if Dawn Marie isn’t nekkid and stuff. Well, that was a TiVO moment – why must my “screen capture” button be hidden! DAMN YOU, POWER-VCR!. Man, if that stupid Score black bar blocked out anything…

– Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit v. Eddy & Chavo Guerrero. Edge & Mysterio storm the ring and beat the hell out of the Guerreros AND God’s Team. We take a break and return with Eddy stomping on Angle, who comes back and hiptosses both Guerreros. Clothesline gets two. Suplex gets two. Benoit comes in and hammers Eddy, and gets an elbow for two. Backbreaker gets two. Angle comes back in, but walks into an elbow and gets stomped by Chavo. Lariat gets two. Benoit comes back in and gives Chavo a knee to the gut, and a nasty backdrop suplex for two. Clothesline gets two. Chavo gets his own backdrop suplex and hits the chinlock, and Eddy comes in for the beatdown. Benoit catches the crossface out of nowhere, but Eddy makes the ropes. Chavo comes back in and they exchange chops (the NERVE!), as Chavo goes back to the chinlock. The crowd seems to be torn between Benoit and Angle here. Benoit escapes the chinlock, but Eddy CHEATS TO WIN with a cheapshot, and Chavo gets two. Slingshot splash from Eddy and the Guerreros distract Angle long enough to inflict some damage on Benoit. Benoit charges and hits Chavo’s elbow, but lets him go up before hitting a superplex and making the hot tag to Angle. Monster german for Chavo, but things break down and it’s BONZO GONZO, as Benoit hits EVEN PHATTER germans on Eddy AND Chavo, and then the flying headbutt on Eddy for two. Chavo hits Angle with the brainbuster and disposes of Benoit, as Eddy gets two and heads up. He blocks the Pop-Up Superplex and hits the frog splash for two. Benoit saves with the crossface, but everyone ends up on the floor and Eddy clips Angle and hooks the El Paso Lasso. Angle reverses it to the anklelock, and Benoit prevents any chair-using by Chavo. Benoit suckers Chavo into thinking he’s on their side, and then nails him with the chair, Angle Slam, SIONARA at 10:34. AWESOME match. ****1/4

– And now with 15 minutes left in the show, Stephanie decides to make her announcement in the ring. Wow, what a useful segment that was.

– Main Event Interview: Stephanie comes out to make the most important decision in her career as manager of Smackdown. Michael’s improved a lot, but going from zero to anything is a big improvement, as this sort of hyperbole shows. Just to drag this out longer, she brings out Brock and Heyman. She lays out the pros and cons like it’s Law & Order or something. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Undertaker can wear the cast. The crowd couldn’t care less. Lesnear gets in Steph’s face, and Undertaker makes the save, so Lesnar gets his first piece of offense in by stomping on the cast. And STILL the show isn’t over. Heyman goes after Undertaker himself, and gets beat up, and that goes on forever. And the show is FINALLY over. What a waste of 10 minutes that was.

The Bottom Line: An awesome match, naked Dawn Marie and MATTITUDE running wild were pretty much the only really good points about the show – the rest was pretty pedestrian stuff, building up to matches that no one cares about (Dawn/Torrie and Lesnar/UT) or building to nothing, in the case of the Noble/Nidia and Cena/Kidman stuff.

This is gonna be a truly scary buyrate to see when it’s released. If it’s released.

Color me outta here…