The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 06.08.10

Desperately Seeking Sponsorship

I am a roller coaster enthusiast. I am not sure if I have mentioned that before in one of my news reports but if so, I am truly sorry for the repetition. Last week, after Memorial Day weekend (and writing my news report) subsided, I spent the day at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey getting my annual scream on. The Jersey version of Six Flags is easily their best park and honestly, probably the best theme park outside of Cedar Point and those crazy Japanese parks that serve your vomit back to you for tree-fitty.

Guess which one is me…

While I had an awesome time at the park, I was a bit perturbed about the recent corporate sponsorship that ran rampant through the park. Mind you, I work for Corporate America so I do not mind most advertisements. But when the cars for one of their best coasters, Kingda Ka, were painted as a glorified Karate Kid poster, I was fucking pissed. Seriously, Six Flags, out of all paint jobs, you pick the awful Karate Kid movie? Was the A-Team too fucking expensive? I bet they could have gotten Marmaduke for cheap. There’s nothing worse than getting off the front row of the ride and refusing to purchase the picture due to Will Smith’s son. What’s next Sex and the City 2 urinal cakes?

Even though I was quite pissed about it, it did get me thinking. Perhaps, I should start asking for sponsorship for this news report. We all are well aware that I am totally underpaid in this position so why don’t I make a few extra dollars from companies who would like additional advertisement opportunities? In the future, we can have NEWS FROM O-TOWN sponsored by the band O-Town or even better Stacker 2’s Slimmer Watch . Best yet, I could get a bidding war started by funeral homes to sponsor the Swayze Malebag !

Brilliant!

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

You let your tiger out!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to the only news report that almost made the final cut for this season of the Bachelorette, the Small-For-All News Report! In today’s edition, I sit through a three-hour Viewer’s Choice Raw, cry at the lack of actual news in the WWE, discuss Jeff Hardy’s luck, and announce the 2010 WHAMMY NOMINATIONS! All this and not much more.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Better than Snakes on a Plane – I doubt

From WWE Studios’s Press Release, “WWE Studios announced today that actors Kevin Corrigan (“American Gangster”), Ariel Winter (“Modern Family”) and Annabeth Gish (“The West Wing”) have joined WWE® Superstar Paul “Triple H” Levesque (“Blade: Trinity”) in the cast of the studios’ upcoming comedy, “The Chaperone.” The film will begin principal photography today in and around New Orleans, Louisiana.

Stephen Herek will direct the film from a screenplay by playwright S.J. Roth. “The Chaperone” is produced by WWE Studios Executive Vice President Michael Pavone and executive produced by WWE Studios Vice President David Calloway.

Ray Bradstone (PAUL “TRIPLE H” LEVESQUE) is the best “wheel man in the business,” but he is determined to go straight and be the best parent he can be to his daughter, Sally (ARIEL WINTER), and make amends with his ex-wife, Lynne (ANNABETH GISH). As Ray struggles to find honest work, his old bank-robbing crew, led by Phillip Larue (KEVIN CORRIGAN), offers him one last job. He agrees at first, but changes his mind at the last second leaving the crew without a driver. Ray decides instead to serve as a “chaperone” for Sally’s school field trip. When the robbery goes awry, Larue blames Ray and chases the school bus all the way to the Museum of Natural History in New Orleans. Ray must deal with Larue, while supervising Sally’s class on what becomes one of the craziest school trips ever.”

My God, I cannot even comprehend the absurdity of this “comedy”. Now I love really shitty movies – I just paid to watch MacGruber in the theatres – but this one might take the cake if only to watch Triple H try to act funny. Now we know Triple H can be witty but how will do with a script written by someone I hope is Eli Roth’s brother. Throw in the fact that the WWE is touting the “stars” of this film by mentioning their entirely small parts in big name movies and this looks to be a recipe for disaster. Hell, I had to Wikisearch who the fuck Kevin Corrigan was (his “biggest” role was Hank Moody’s friend in the last season of Californication) and Annabeth Gish (who showed her nipple in Wyatt Earp many moons ago – thanks Mr. Skin). Let’s hope this movie gets released to the theatres.

Biten Newsbites

Stolen from all of your favorite sources:

Extreme Rules did around 200,000 buys just a tad more than last year’s Backlash.

EXTREME FAIL. Actually, the WWE should be happy that 3 of the 4 2010 PPVs have outgrossed the 2009 counterpart. Too bad the one that didn’t was WrestleMania.

Edge is contemplating retirement in two years.

I have no complaints with this. Edge has had a long run in the WWE, saved up a good chunk of change, and is smart enough to know that his body won’t last forever. Considering his last return has been somewhat disappointing and perhaps he even knows that his days at top won’t also last forever.

Stacy “Miss Kitty” Carter was working with a former Survivor producer on a reality show that would focus on her transition from pro wrestling to life as a real estate broker. Unfortunately for her, that show is on hold as that producer is currently accused of murdering his wife.

The curse of breaking up with Jerry “The King” Lawler continues. Karma’s a bitch sometimes.

Finlay returned to action on last week’s Smackdown.

Now we can finally get the epic Sheamus vs. Finlay Summerslam match the world has been waiting on…

Bret Hart and Teddy Long to open the show! You know they must both mean bidness for coming out together. Big props to Teddy for pulling off a swank suit tonight.

The first piece of business – Randy Orton’s injury. Our first viewer’s choice match is Edge vs. Randy Orton in A) a debate, B) a sit up contest, or C) an one-arm match with his arm tied behind his back. I’m voting for B.

Jericho vs. Big Show in a body slam challenge?

Seriously, if two of the three choices tonight are this fucking lame, what’s the point of Viewer’s Choice?

Am I the only one who feels the Big Show’s entrance music feels naked without the Miz’s theme music mixed in?

Awful match though I’m glad it was short. And then he locks on a “look at that move” which neither Cole nor King can properly call a CAMEL CLUTCH. I hope the Iron Sheik makes them humble.

Finally, we have a good matchup to vote for. The Hart Dynasty vs. Khali and Hornswoggle after the break.

BTW, since this show has A) already killed the momentum from last week, B) is doing a terrible job promoting Fatal 4 Way, and C) has meaningless stipulations, allow me to ask a bunch of trivia questions below. Feel free to vote in the comments section.

Hey remember when the Great Khali vs. Hornswoggle was an actual PPV match? It was. Your choices are: A) WrestleMania 22, B) Survivor Series 2005, or C) December to Dismember

Tyson Kidd’s shit eating grin after pinning Hornswoggle almost made up for the match. Almost.

OMG, why did Jerry the King leave his announce table? A) his mind is blown after finally turning on a computer, B) he saw his internet porn bill, C)he just found out he is related to a former Nigerian king

Rumor has it that Quinton “Rampage” Jackson really wanted to be a wrestler but was turned off when he was snubbed by which wrestler years ago. A) The Undertaker, B) Triple H, C) Hulk Hogan

Okay, I’m tired of trivia. The answers were B and A (like Bad Ass Billy Gunn). You can thank me later.

I was hoping that Santina would give Santino some of her awesome booty shaking news but alas, I was wrong.

I wouldn’t have minded that Kozlov dance bit if it was between a bunch of serious wrestling or angle development. This show was just been one big comedy show. Why couldn’t TNA stay on Mondays?

Why doesn’t any on the Divas attack each other on the way to the ring? You know you can be eliminated that way from a battle royal (ala Spike Dudley in 2004).

Layla’s buttcrack is single handedly trying to save this battle royal. I’m probably not the only one single handed on this moment.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry or Kane or Evan Bourne? Let’s see if Bourne’s “monumental” win over Sheamus got him anywhere in the public’s eye.

8% for Bourne. Yikes. That’s lower than the WrestleMania 26 buyrate! Shizamy!

I love how our first actual wrestling match ended in a countout. Granted, it was a fresh matchup which the WWE might have been saving for later. If that’s the case, I don’t know why Kane was even put in the match to begin with.

Savannah’s back! Now this is a newsworthy show.

Wade Barrett to Raw. Eh, I was hoping for a feud between him and Kingston. Now he’ll be R-Truth’s newest feud.

Rampage vs. Virgil! Husky Harris Sr just gassed the A-Team. Oh man, I’m calling all of my friends and telling them to turn on Raw right now.

Color me surprised for I was not expecting Morrison to win over MVP or Christian (my pick). Considering Morrison has been off the last month nursing an ankle injury, you’d think the WWE Universe would have forgotten about the Monday Night Delight. I guess not.

Sometimes I wish Mike Awesome was still alive so he could feud with the Miz.

Woah, Zack Ryder won the right to be the Miz’s tag team partner. I’m feeling the WWE Universe wanted to give the Miz the worst possible partner, hence why Ryder won here.

Man, Morrison has no luck against the Miz, does he? I guess we now know who the Marty Jannetty of the team was.

Mah Gawd, Randy Orton’s arm is broken in half. So now both Fatal Four Way main events will have a participant change. I’m glad this shitty PPV is coming live from shitty Nassau Coliseum as those fans rarely cheer for anything.

Mean Gene! Now that’s what this Raw needs. And he hates Josh Matthews. Perhaps he should send Josh to Tim White’s bar.

The Mystery Man looks like Jimmy Snuka from his silly hand taunts to his obese figure. Oh wait, it’s just Matt Hardy. He’s at least a much better pick than Goldust and Tatsu.

Wow, Matt Hardy squashed Drew McIntyre. Another classic case of a wrestler getting pushed way too quickly and then going on a losing streak. You wonder if McIntrye will withstand it.

Why hasn’t Face saved BA and that dude from District 9 yet? You can easily find their locations by watching one of the backstage TVs.

It’d be great if DiBiase kidnapped BA for Rashard Evans. But I guess we will get a campy comedy skit with Roddy Piper.

Rampage had a nice chokeslam on Virgil. Perhaps, the Undertaker is more attention now.

BTW, what happened to Face? Did he get paid per appearance like most on TNA’s roster? ZING!

The fact that Cena is making his entrance at 10:40 only gives me hope that the WWE can save this show with an excellent main event. Wow, CM Punk won. I would have bet money that Mysterio would have won. Perhaps Punk’s straight edge followers are big fans of voting. It would explain why American Idol is still on.

Is Wade Barrett going to be the fourth participant at Fatal 4 Way in place of Randy Orton? That honestly would not be a bad idea… as long as he does not win the match of course.

What’s with the NXT Rookies taking over the main event? And they all have matching “N” armbands. Looks like we got a new blood faction on Raw.

Matt Striker ate book! At least Cole was smart enough to run like a scalded dog.

Shouldn’t the A-Team try to save John Cena? Or even his best friend Evan Bourne?

The N Crew does a good job at dismantling the ring. Perhaps a few of them will be joining the ring crew soon.

I guess there won’t be a dark match tonight.

A few bullet points ago, I mentioned that I hoped that Cena’s match would save this show. It didn’t. However, the NXT Invasion again was a thing of beauty. At first, it appeared that only Barrett would be watching. But once Tarver and the rest of the crew hit, it was chaos at its finest. Even Danielson looked like a badass by taunting Cena before spitting him with a massive loogie. I really have no idea where the WWE will go with 8 new heels two weeks before a PPV, but that’s there issue. I am just glad that there was at least one redeeming factor of an amazingly shitty show. Wow.

THE GREATEST THING I’VE SEEN ON THE INTERNET (THIS WEEK)

As a huge fan of the Soup, it is only necessary for me to post something awesome I’ve stumbled upon this week. Last week, it was a 24 Retrospective Video. Here’s what I have for you this week:

In a way, I wish Becky did not die at Bayside but rather in the Gulf of Mexico. This way, her sacrifice would lead to Zack Morris and crew shutting down BP. Who would have thought Saved by the Bell would be so topical many years later?

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

I’m on a roll. I’m on a roll this time…

From the main page, “A rep from the Moore County Superior Court confirmed today that three of the four charges against Jeff Hardy have been dropped.

At the June 3 hearing, the following charges from the September 2009 raid of Hardy’s home were dropped:

*Felony drug trafficking, Two felony charges of possession of a Schedule III controlled substance or drug.

*Felony possession of cocaine, Felony maintaining a dwelling for redistribution of controlled substances.

*Misdemeanor Possession of drug paraphernalia.

No reason was given for dropping the charges. Only the charge of Conspiracy to Traffic Opium, which is not as serious as the two dropped felonies, remains. This charge was added in January of this year.

Both Jeff and his brother Matt have always proclaimed Jeff’s innocence in this case even after initial news looked grim (for Jeff). In fact, part of the reason why Jeff refused to re-sign with the WWE early this year was due to their reluctance to back him after he was charged last September. With the charges already being dropped, it shows that perhaps the Hardys were right in saying that there was more to the story than what was reported. I’d also believe that the final charge would probably be dropped when the court meets again in July.

The skeptic/hater in me would say that this is another case where a celebrity gets off easy. However, that’s not true as Jeff Hardy is not a typical celebrity – he looks like a stoner, wears a hankie in his back pocket, does not even have a high profile lawyer, and has yet to flash his cooch getting out of a limo. Those reasons alone would put him at a level lower than most celebrities. Now if he was Black Hardy, then all bets would have been off.

Gamer

From Lords of Pain, “The new TNA video game on Nintendo DS that comes out in late June will feature the six-sided ring instead of the ring TNA currently uses. The roster will include Hulk Hogan, Mick Foley, Sting, Homicide, Jeff Jarrett, Abyss, AJ Styles, Eric Young, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Jay Lethal and Shark Boy.”

But…but… kids want to play with Orlando Jordan!

2010 WHAMMY AWARDS

Introducing the second annual SFA WHAMMYs!!! The WHAMMY Awards celebrate what is usually overlooked in the sports entertainment. And the best part is – unlike this week’s Raw, your vote actually matters.

That’s right! For the next two weeks, all Smallophiles are allowed to vote for the following categories. There are two ways to vote – if you are a private person, feel free to email me your votes. If you want to start a discussion with fellow Smallophiles, feel free to post your votes below in the Comments Section. One rule only: in order for your votes to count, you must vote for EVERY category. Yup, it’s that easy.

In two weeks, I will announce the WHAMMY winners! Let’s take a look at the categories:

The Steve Blackman “How the Hell is this guy getting a push” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Drew McIntyre
Orlando Jordan
John Cena

The Brooke Adams “My Dancing Pecs will be on display at Scores New York in a few months” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Lacey Von Erich
Chris Masters
Awesome Kong

The Christian “I’m Going to Come Back to the WWE to become ECW Champion” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Elijah Burke
Ric Flair
Ken Kennedy

The Daniel Bryan “Even I Won’t Tap Out to a Pussy Danielson Submission” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Chris Jericho
Justin Roberts
Darren Young

The Jonathan Coachman “Heel Turn so shocking that no one really cared at all” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Kevin Nash turns on Eric Young
Michael Cole turns on the IWC
Carltio turns down rehab

The Kane “I Look Better Completely Shaved” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Serena
Angelina Love
Vickie Guerrero

The “When Jeff Small Finally Retires, I Want This Person to be his Replacement” WHAMMY
The nominees are:
Mike Adamle
Justin Bieber
Jake Chambers

Remember voting ends on Monday June 21st . Vote or die, bitches!!!

COMING ATTRACTIONS

Sorry for the craptastic news report this week but honestly, there’s not much you can do when A) there is zero news to speak of, B) I had to sit through 2 hours and 50 minutes of a really shitty Raw, and C) well, there was no C. Thank God. Next week, the Swayze Malebag returns to address all of the hate comments I shall receive below. Until then…

For the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!